I'm feeling miserable...

[Umut]

Photini said something here that made me turn away from the Jesus prayer. It is most honestly not my intention to point fingers in any way; and if Photini takes the littlest offence from this, please forgive me!

Here's the thread:
http://www.christianforums.com/t111583

She basically said that I should only say the prayer under the guidance of my spiritual father; which is without a doubt completely true! It is most definitely correct.

Here's why I created this thread:

Ever since I stopped reciting the Jesus Prayer I felt... well... like pure crud.

I feel so... miserable! Something is missing. There is this VOID space inside me that's eating me up. I've tried listening to music, eating, drinking, watching comedy; and nothing has fulfilled it. I've reduced my poor sinful self to begin teenage sin by looking at pornographic images; and even that felt utterly disgusting, I immediately stopped out of disgust and emptiness.

Should I start the Jesus Prayer again? Without it I feel like... nothing! Just last night I was talking to Andreas about it. I confessed that I did not feel Christ inside my heart. When I saw: Christ is Risen! Indeed, He is risen! I thought to myself... Why don't I feel anything!!!!!???? What is wrong with me!!!!!!?!????

I need some serious help here. First, my conversations with Atheists brought my faith down to almost nothing, and also I interrupted my reading of the Philokalia for a book called: 'God: The Evidence'.

All of this has really made me hit rock bottom. There is a huge gap in my heart, and I know only calling on Jesus Christ's name can fill it.

Should I? If I shouldn;t, is there another way to get around this hellish feeling?

Please, help!

 

[brewmama]

Don't you have a spiritual father? That is who you should talk to. But I certainly don't see anything wrong with incorporating the Jesus Prayer into your prayers in the meantime.

 

[MariaRegina]

Dear Umut:

The real danger is trying to assume bodily positions and praying it like a mantra.

Using a prayer rope is okay, but you really should be under the guidance of a priest - do you have a father confessor with whom you can share your temptations and struggle.

Is there anyway you could walk to an Orthodox Church for a quick visit after school without your mom getting upset?

Whenever I feel sorely tempted by any sin, I say this form of the Jesus Prayer:

Lord Jesus Christ, Son and Word of the Living God, through the Prayers of the Most Pure Theotokos and of all the saints, have mercy on us and save us.

This form of the prayer was given in the footnotes in the book on the Jesus Prayer written by Rev. Father G. Lev. (The Monk of the Eastern Church) of blessed memory.

I find it to be a particular powerful form of the Jesus Prayer. Father said that the monks on Mt. Athos usually pray this prayer when making a prostration. Almost all my prayers are answered immediately after saying it just a few times. I feel surrounded by a cloud of witnesses and instantly healed of any struggles.

Your sister in Christ,
Elizabeth

 

[Umut]

That's all well, Chanter, but if I do not recite the Jesus Prayer whenever I am awake, then I feel awful. I have a prayer rope, I will use it. I do not have a spiritual father yet, but soon I will...

Thanks,

Umut.

 

[MariaRegina]

That's all well, Chanter, but if I do not recite the Jesus Prayer whenever I am awake, then I feel awful. I have a prayer rope, I will use it. I do not have a spiritual father yet, but soon I will...

Thanks,

Umut.

Say the longer form that I just gave you. It's quite safe.

Also in between, about 10 or 25, you can say "Most Holy Theotokos, save us."

That is what my priest advised me when I was first saying the Jesus Prayer -- that way you avoid most of the pitfalls.

I can send you some prayer beads if you wish (they are made of knots and plastic beads) - black with a few red beads. And it's already blessed.

Did you receive the icon cards that I mailed you last week? Hopefully by Monday they should be here.

Yours in Christ,
Elizabeth

 

[Eusebios]

Umut,
I certainly hope that what I said in the previous thread did not adversly efeect you. I too believe that the true dangers come in when trying to make the prayer a "mantra". When you are feeling low, concentrate on Our Heavenly Father's goodness and love, the great power of the incarnation of the Word and the omni-presence of the Holy Spirit (everywhere present and filling all things) There are so many wonderful prayers that the Church has given to us. If you haven't done so already I would suggest that you obtain a small prayer book, there are several available.

His unworthy servant,
Eusebios.

 

[Umut]

Dear Chanter,

I don't think Andreas got it yet, I talked to him yesterday, it is probably arriving today. Because of the holiday there might be a delay, but other than that, it should get here quite soon. Thank you ever so kindly.

I will start reciting that prayer, I'm sure it will fill the void.

Eusebios,

I have a small prayerbook, I just haven't gotten around to finding time to read some of it. I did not remember that I had it when I felt bad, but thanks for reminding me! It's in my hidden place, so I don't risk getting them often. Thank you.


Thanks, all!

 

[Photini]

Umut,

When I was converting to Orthodoxy, I was approaching prayer and life in general on a highly emotional level. Everything was a crisis to me or a huge blown up event. It was only after I was given a hard "pill" to swallow from somone much wiser on the spiritual path that I realized that by living in such an emotional state it was causing me to be an easy target for the enemy. I was leaving the doors and windows to my soul open, and my passions were carrying me away. Sometimes I even mistook those feelings for some sort of spiritual blessing. So if I speak a bit "harshly" on such things, it is only because I've been in the unfortunate and sad shoes of the fool. I don't wish that any of my friends would experience what I did.

Since I've peeled away those layers of misleading "emotions", I realize that I do not have what I thought I did. I have no repentance, no tears, no love, no nothing. And so now, I truly have something to pray for...because these things are a gift from above, and not something achieved by my own stupid efforts.

Surely the Jesus Prayer, when said going about our daily responsibilities is a true and wonderful way of keeping our minds in their proper place. As for my rule, I have a certain number of prayers assigned to me....and I dare not exceed what I was told to do....and I struggle even to keep that. Please find a priest as soon as you are able. Until then, Umut, try not to let anything on these message boards disturb you. Keep your peace always. I am very sorry if what I said caused you trouble. I myself have had a rough couple of weeks. Please keep me in your prayers, Umut. You have been a real blessing to this board.

 

[Nikolas222]

once you say a prayer repetitivly, it somewhat loses its value to the reciter. Try saying different prayers and say that one once in a while. You know, i was dealing with a specific sin and i did not know whether it was a sin or not. Holy Week and Pascha turned my head foward and told me to turn away from that act.

Umut, are you an Altar Boy? You are 16 and male, so at your age it is a great activity to partake in. Im in it, and i get a lot of opppurtunities with bishops and others.

Good luck!

 

[Orthodox Andrew]

once you say a prayer repetitivly, it somewhat loses its value to the reciter. Try saying different prayers and say that one once in a while. You know, i was dealing with a specific sin and i did not know whether it was a sin or not. Holy Week and Pascha turned my head foward and told me to turn away from that act.

Umut, are you an Altar Boy? You are 16 and male, so at your age it is a great activity to partake in. Im in it, and i get a lot of opppurtunities with bishops and others.

Good luck!

How does one become an Altar boy? And what exactly does one need to do as an Altar boy?

 

[Umut]

Umut, are you an Altar Boy? You are 16 and male, so at your age it is a great activity to partake in. Im in it, and i get a lot of opppurtunities with bishops and others.

Good luck!

Nope.

 

[MariaRegina]

How does one become an Altar boy? And what exactly does one need to do as an Altar boy?

Dear Andreas and Umut:

Go to your priest and ask his blessing to serve on the Altar. It is a wonderful experience for young men like yourselves. My son was an altar boy from the age of 9 until 18 and he loved it. Now he serves as a choir member and occasional chanter.

Yours in Christ our God,
Elizabeth

 

[Orthodox Andrew]

Dear Andreas and Umut:

Go to your priest and ask his blessing to serve on the Altar. It is a wonderful experience for young men like yourselves. My son was an altar boy from the age of 9 until 18 and he loved it. Now he serves as a choir member and occasional chanter.

Yours in Christ our God,
Elizabeth

Oh, it's something I want to do for sure. But what's holding me back is the idea that maybe they already have enough Altar boys, and I would just get in the way.

 

[MariaRegina]

Oh, it's something I want to do for sure. But what's holding me back is the idea that maybe they already have enough Altar boys, and I would just get in the way.

The priest would love that. Some priests put the altar boys on a rotational schedule and let them serve maybe once a month or every other Sunday.

Usually an adult or a "head altar boy" trains the newcomers.

Please give it a try. My son went on retreats and camps with the other altar boys -- those were special memories that he will always treasure -- it made him feel closer to Christ and His Holy Church.

Your sister in Christ,
Elizabeth

P.S. Please start a new thread Andreas - ask if any other men here were altar boys or still serve on the altar.

 

[Orthodox Andrew]

The priest would love that. Some priest put the altar boys on a rotational schedule and let them serve maybe once a month or every other Sunday.

Usually an adult or a "head altar boy" trains the newcomers.

Please give it a try. My son went on retreats and camps with the other altar boys -- those were special memories that he will always treasure -- it made him feel closer to Christ and His Holy Church.

Your sister in Christ,
Elizabeth

P.S. Please start a new thread Andreas - ask if any other men here were altar boys or still serve on the altar.

Thanks. I hope to give it a try soon.

 

[prodromos]

Christos Anesti! Christ is Risen!

I'd love to be an altar "boy" but I think I will stick with trying to learn Byzantine chant . I'm sure it would be healthy for my pride, being instructed by a boy a third my age, but I think I would stick out a bit to much among the young'ns.

John.