i've been suffering from eating disorders since the end of tenth grade. i am now graduated from high school and will be entering college in a week. it started out as a desire to lose weight and be thinner, even though at the time i had only been 107 lbs at 5'2''. i have always had a desire to be skinny, to have the perfect body in my eyes.
i began by cutting down my food intake drastically, eating a slice of toast instead of meals and then skipping meals altogether. all throughout my junior and senior year in high school, i skipped lunch.
i didn't lose a drastic amount of weight when i did all this restricting. probably because at that time, i would starve during the week and then on the weekends, i would binge. however, this past year my habits changed. one day i read an account of a girl who ate sweets and then purged them by vomiting. after that all i could think about was trying the same thing at home. and i did...it began with a box of chocolate cake. after that, i have not been able to stop my binging and purging cycle. i have done it and still do it nearly every day. before, i've done it up to 4 times a day, and now once or twice. i spend so much money buying food for my binges, only to have it be vomited and go to waste. in between my binging and purging, i don't eat anything.
it's like an addiction. an addiction that i have not been able to break for 7 months now. recently, i've come to realize just how bad my problem is. i know now that i shouldn't indulge myself in the foods during binges, that i shouldn't be gluttonous. i know that i shouldn't purge and waste all the food and money. i've become incredibly secretive, sensitive, irritable, and sometimes even mean to my familly. but they have no idea what i'm going through, as i am too ashamed to tell them. and there's also that fear of being forced to gain weight. after starting the purging, i no longer starve during the week and binge on weekends. i found out in one of my recent visits to the doctor's that i have lost 12 pounds already. i went from 107 to 95 and am now 5'3'' tall. i still do not think i am thin enough, though, and want to lose more weight.
i am so confused. nobody knows about my disorder, only God. and i am incredibly thankful to have Him there and understand...but i still can't help but feel lonely. it hurts so much. now i think that the problem is not just a matter of losing weight, but goes deeper. i've noticed myself filled with a burning rage whenever i argue with my parents or sister. i immediately think, "i'll become so skinny...you'll see." it's like my revenge, or my form of accomplishing something when nothing else goes right. and i admit that i act horribly to my family many times. i snap at them for no reason, don't smile, and am irritable. i know it's because i'm fatigued from having purged or from starving.
i keep telling myself that i have to stop, and that i can do this without anyone's help. i'm just so afraid. at 95 lbs, i feel too fat to go to treatment for an eating disorder. several times i've been tempted to tell someone, even my youth pastor at church. but i can't. i know what will happen...my friends and family will find out, and my whole world will crumble. but it hurts so much that my family thinks i just have a bad attitude. they come home from work and see the house is still a mess and yell at me, not knowing that i spent the whole day binging and purging. it hurts so much that i cry by myself and get episodes of depression. i try to be happier and i know that i am so blessed by God with so many things in life. i am so ashamed..i ask for forgiveness yet i continue with my behavior.
i can't help but feel hopeless. i try to stop purging but everyday i fail. one day i realized that i don't think i'll ever be able to have a normal relationship with food again. these days, i sit and think how all i want now is to be with God, away from all this pain and hardship. i don't want to commit suicide, but i'm so fed up with myself.
i apologize if i sound needy or desperate at all. i feel so lost and empty..
i began by cutting down my food intake drastically, eating a slice of toast instead of meals and then skipping meals altogether. all throughout my junior and senior year in high school, i skipped lunch.
i didn't lose a drastic amount of weight when i did all this restricting. probably because at that time, i would starve during the week and then on the weekends, i would binge. however, this past year my habits changed. one day i read an account of a girl who ate sweets and then purged them by vomiting. after that all i could think about was trying the same thing at home. and i did...it began with a box of chocolate cake. after that, i have not been able to stop my binging and purging cycle. i have done it and still do it nearly every day. before, i've done it up to 4 times a day, and now once or twice. i spend so much money buying food for my binges, only to have it be vomited and go to waste. in between my binging and purging, i don't eat anything.
it's like an addiction. an addiction that i have not been able to break for 7 months now. recently, i've come to realize just how bad my problem is. i know now that i shouldn't indulge myself in the foods during binges, that i shouldn't be gluttonous. i know that i shouldn't purge and waste all the food and money. i've become incredibly secretive, sensitive, irritable, and sometimes even mean to my familly. but they have no idea what i'm going through, as i am too ashamed to tell them. and there's also that fear of being forced to gain weight. after starting the purging, i no longer starve during the week and binge on weekends. i found out in one of my recent visits to the doctor's that i have lost 12 pounds already. i went from 107 to 95 and am now 5'3'' tall. i still do not think i am thin enough, though, and want to lose more weight.
i am so confused. nobody knows about my disorder, only God. and i am incredibly thankful to have Him there and understand...but i still can't help but feel lonely. it hurts so much. now i think that the problem is not just a matter of losing weight, but goes deeper. i've noticed myself filled with a burning rage whenever i argue with my parents or sister. i immediately think, "i'll become so skinny...you'll see." it's like my revenge, or my form of accomplishing something when nothing else goes right. and i admit that i act horribly to my family many times. i snap at them for no reason, don't smile, and am irritable. i know it's because i'm fatigued from having purged or from starving.
i keep telling myself that i have to stop, and that i can do this without anyone's help. i'm just so afraid. at 95 lbs, i feel too fat to go to treatment for an eating disorder. several times i've been tempted to tell someone, even my youth pastor at church. but i can't. i know what will happen...my friends and family will find out, and my whole world will crumble. but it hurts so much that my family thinks i just have a bad attitude. they come home from work and see the house is still a mess and yell at me, not knowing that i spent the whole day binging and purging. it hurts so much that i cry by myself and get episodes of depression. i try to be happier and i know that i am so blessed by God with so many things in life. i am so ashamed..i ask for forgiveness yet i continue with my behavior.
i can't help but feel hopeless. i try to stop purging but everyday i fail. one day i realized that i don't think i'll ever be able to have a normal relationship with food again. these days, i sit and think how all i want now is to be with God, away from all this pain and hardship. i don't want to commit suicide, but i'm so fed up with myself.
i apologize if i sound needy or desperate at all. i feel so lost and empty..
