Hi everyone. It's been a long time since I been active on here. I hope you all are doing ok during this very difficult time now of the pandemic, deaths, riots, looting, and shootings that are happening in this world now. I would like to share my story of what happened after I last posted on CF :
Right after Thanksgiving, I decided to admit myself to a psychiatric hospital. I had a dream (I'm serious) that I was in hell and I thought an evil spirit or a demon was talking to me when I was sleeping or half asleep. But I'm not sure if it was my imagination or if it was a voice talking to me. My OCD, sinning, fear and guilt was getting so bad I had to get help immediately. I told them the story of what was going on. I was afraid to be at home thinking I would go nuts. They gave me the ok for me to stay which I was relieved. The night of my admission, 1 nurse looked at my report and said "We all sin. We are human". (I think she said that)
This was during the weekend when I got admitted and there were no doctors there to help. I wish I knew before hand. The 2nd day I was there I literally broke down and a patient had to comfort me. I told her about my fear of going to hell and I was a bad person. She put her hands on my face and said "No. God loves you". She then took me to the cafeteria with the other patients and then all said a prayer to me. It made me feel better but only temporary.
Days went by and they put me on 3 meds. I requested to have a pastor come but they only had a priest. I didn't want to look bad and say no so I said ok. He came and I told him the story about my case. My main concern was going to hell. In his belief, he thinks the devil is only in hell. Idk if I did the right thing bc I was still distraught but I made communion twice along with a patient who wanted to join me. I didn't know any better.
I continued talking to a psychiatrist, therapist, and social worker for treatment. Plus going to groups. It was helping me til Christmas came. I still in the hospital. I broke down crying again to a heath worker and told her my guilt and fear of hell. I don't remember but I think she said hell is Earth. She said your mom will always be in your heart and she forgives you. Same with your dad.
As time went by, I was doing better. Then in early January I got discharged and I was enrolled in a program to go at least 3 days a week. This made me happy since I can finally meet people and have a routine. Before I went to the hospital, I was always home and was alone. But unfortunately, Covid started and the program was shut down in March.
In July when I was going crazy over Covid, I went back to the hospital a month ago to see if they can admit me again but they said I'm not a candidate now. I had to be either suicidal or thoughts of hurting others for me to get in. That wasn't my case. So they sent me back home. Around April I was messing up a little again honestly. But after time, I was going back to my old ways again by being angry, lying a little, lustful thoughts, prejudicial talking (which I'm not a prejudice person), not being proud for who I am, and thinking evil thoughts. If this doesn't make sense here I'm sorry. I'm distraught now
I didn't realize I was doing all these things til a week ago. Now I'm going back about my fear of hell, blasphemy against the HS, I betrayed God and Jesus, I committed the unforgivable sin, the guilt, and grieving.
I read a comment on a youtube video saying that if you believe in God/Jesus bc your afraid of going to hell, your wrong and don't have faith and don't believe. This made me feel even worse and I'm believing it. I believe all this time and now it's selfishness and fear of me going to hell. Not bc I want to have a relationship with Jesus and God. I feel like total crap. But I want to and its hard. I want to be a better person. I want to live a sinless life, I want to get into the bible. I want to be saved. Same goes with my family, friends, and everyone. I've been calling up my friend who is a christian and his pastor of my worries. But I don't want to drive them crazy since I've been talking to them everyday. That's why I came back on here for help again.
Right after Thanksgiving, I decided to admit myself to a psychiatric hospital. I had a dream (I'm serious) that I was in hell and I thought an evil spirit or a demon was talking to me when I was sleeping or half asleep. But I'm not sure if it was my imagination or if it was a voice talking to me. My OCD, sinning, fear and guilt was getting so bad I had to get help immediately. I told them the story of what was going on. I was afraid to be at home thinking I would go nuts. They gave me the ok for me to stay which I was relieved. The night of my admission, 1 nurse looked at my report and said "We all sin. We are human". (I think she said that)
This was during the weekend when I got admitted and there were no doctors there to help. I wish I knew before hand. The 2nd day I was there I literally broke down and a patient had to comfort me. I told her about my fear of going to hell and I was a bad person. She put her hands on my face and said "No. God loves you". She then took me to the cafeteria with the other patients and then all said a prayer to me. It made me feel better but only temporary.
Days went by and they put me on 3 meds. I requested to have a pastor come but they only had a priest. I didn't want to look bad and say no so I said ok. He came and I told him the story about my case. My main concern was going to hell. In his belief, he thinks the devil is only in hell. Idk if I did the right thing bc I was still distraught but I made communion twice along with a patient who wanted to join me. I didn't know any better.
I continued talking to a psychiatrist, therapist, and social worker for treatment. Plus going to groups. It was helping me til Christmas came. I still in the hospital. I broke down crying again to a heath worker and told her my guilt and fear of hell. I don't remember but I think she said hell is Earth. She said your mom will always be in your heart and she forgives you. Same with your dad.
As time went by, I was doing better. Then in early January I got discharged and I was enrolled in a program to go at least 3 days a week. This made me happy since I can finally meet people and have a routine. Before I went to the hospital, I was always home and was alone. But unfortunately, Covid started and the program was shut down in March.
In July when I was going crazy over Covid, I went back to the hospital a month ago to see if they can admit me again but they said I'm not a candidate now. I had to be either suicidal or thoughts of hurting others for me to get in. That wasn't my case. So they sent me back home. Around April I was messing up a little again honestly. But after time, I was going back to my old ways again by being angry, lying a little, lustful thoughts, prejudicial talking (which I'm not a prejudice person), not being proud for who I am, and thinking evil thoughts. If this doesn't make sense here I'm sorry. I'm distraught now
I didn't realize I was doing all these things til a week ago. Now I'm going back about my fear of hell, blasphemy against the HS, I betrayed God and Jesus, I committed the unforgivable sin, the guilt, and grieving.
I read a comment on a youtube video saying that if you believe in God/Jesus bc your afraid of going to hell, your wrong and don't have faith and don't believe. This made me feel even worse and I'm believing it. I believe all this time and now it's selfishness and fear of me going to hell. Not bc I want to have a relationship with Jesus and God. I feel like total crap. But I want to and its hard. I want to be a better person. I want to live a sinless life, I want to get into the bible. I want to be saved. Same goes with my family, friends, and everyone. I've been calling up my friend who is a christian and his pastor of my worries. But I don't want to drive them crazy since I've been talking to them everyday. That's why I came back on here for help again.
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