I'm Back And Here's My Story (Still Struggling Though)

Aquatic Waves

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Hi everyone. It's been a long time since I been active on here. I hope you all are doing ok during this very difficult time now of the pandemic, deaths, riots, looting, and shootings that are happening in this world now. I would like to share my story of what happened after I last posted on CF :

Right after Thanksgiving, I decided to admit myself to a psychiatric hospital. I had a dream (I'm serious) that I was in hell and I thought an evil spirit or a demon was talking to me when I was sleeping or half asleep. But I'm not sure if it was my imagination or if it was a voice talking to me. My OCD, sinning, fear and guilt was getting so bad I had to get help immediately. I told them the story of what was going on. I was afraid to be at home thinking I would go nuts. They gave me the ok for me to stay which I was relieved. The night of my admission, 1 nurse looked at my report and said "We all sin. We are human". (I think she said that)

This was during the weekend when I got admitted and there were no doctors there to help. I wish I knew before hand. The 2nd day I was there I literally broke down and a patient had to comfort me. I told her about my fear of going to hell and I was a bad person. She put her hands on my face and said "No. God loves you". She then took me to the cafeteria with the other patients and then all said a prayer to me. It made me feel better but only temporary.

Days went by and they put me on 3 meds. I requested to have a pastor come but they only had a priest. I didn't want to look bad and say no so I said ok. He came and I told him the story about my case. My main concern was going to hell. In his belief, he thinks the devil is only in hell. Idk if I did the right thing bc I was still distraught but I made communion twice along with a patient who wanted to join me. I didn't know any better.


I continued talking to a psychiatrist, therapist, and social worker for treatment. Plus going to groups. It was helping me til Christmas came. I still in the hospital. I broke down crying again to a heath worker and told her my guilt and fear of hell. I don't remember but I think she said hell is Earth. She said your mom will always be in your heart and she forgives you. Same with your dad.

As time went by, I was doing better. Then in early January I got discharged and I was enrolled in a program to go at least 3 days a week. This made me happy since I can finally meet people and have a routine. Before I went to the hospital, I was always home and was alone. But unfortunately, Covid started and the program was shut down in March.

In July when I was going crazy over Covid, I went back to the hospital a month ago to see if they can admit me again but they said I'm not a candidate now. I had to be either suicidal or thoughts of hurting others for me to get in. That wasn't my case. So they sent me back home. Around April I was messing up a little again honestly. But after time, I was going back to my old ways again by being angry, lying a little, lustful thoughts, prejudicial talking (which I'm not a prejudice person), not being proud for who I am, and thinking evil thoughts. If this doesn't make sense here I'm sorry. I'm distraught now

I didn't realize I was doing all these things til a week ago. Now I'm going back about my fear of hell, blasphemy against the HS, I betrayed God and Jesus, I committed the unforgivable sin, the guilt, and grieving.

I read a comment on a youtube video saying that if you believe in God/Jesus bc your afraid of going to hell, your wrong and don't have faith and don't believe. This made me feel even worse and I'm believing it. I believe all this time and now it's selfishness and fear of me going to hell. Not bc I want to have a relationship with Jesus and God. I feel like total crap. But I want to and its hard. I want to be a better person. I want to live a sinless life, I want to get into the bible. I want to be saved. Same goes with my family, friends, and everyone. I've been calling up my friend who is a christian and his pastor of my worries. But I don't want to drive them crazy since I've been talking to them everyday. That's why I came back on here for help again.
 
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Basil the Great

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Mother Theresa had many doubts, according to reports anyway. Hence, I would not worry about your doubts that much. Quite frankly, I think it is better to have some doubts and try to the best of our ability to live for God each day, than to assume that we are automatically saved, no matter what we may do.
 
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Berean Tim

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Hi everyone. It's been a long time since I been active on here. I hope you all are doing ok during this very difficult time now of the pandemic, deaths, riots, looting, and shootings that are happening in this world now. I would like to share my story of what happened after I last posted on CF :

Right after Thanksgiving, I decided to admit myself to a psychiatric hospital. I had a dream (I'm serious) that I was in hell and I thought an evil spirit or a demon was talking to me when I was sleeping or half asleep. But I'm not sure if it was my imagination or if it was a voice talking to me. My OCD, sinning, fear and guilt was getting so bad I had to get help immediately. I told them the story of what was going on. I was afraid to be at home thinking I would go nuts. They gave me the ok for me to stay which I was relieved. The night of my admission, 1 nurse looked at my report and said "We all sin. We are human". (I think she said that)

This was during the weekend when I got admitted and there were no doctors there to help. I wish I knew before hand. The 2nd day I was there I literally broke down and a patient had to comfort me. I told her about my fear of going to hell and I was a bad person. She put her hands on my face and said "No. God loves you". She then took me to the cafeteria with the other patients and then all said a prayer to me. It made me feel better but only temporary.

Days went by and they put me on 3 meds. I requested to have a pastor come but they only had a priest. I didn't want to look bad and say no so I said ok. He came and I told him the story about my case. My main concern was going to hell. In his belief, he thinks the devil is only in hell. Idk if I did the right thing bc I was still distraught but I made communion twice along with a patient who wanted to join me. I didn't know any better.


I continued talking to a psychiatrist, therapist, and social worker for treatment. Plus going to groups. It was helping me til Christmas came. I still in the hospital. I broke down crying again to a heath worker and told her my guilt and fear of hell. I don't remember but I think she said hell is Earth. She said your mom will always be in your heart and she forgives you. Same with your dad.

As time went by, I was doing better. Then in early January I got discharged and I was enrolled in a program to go at least 3 days a week. This made me happy since I can finally meet people and have a routine. Before I went to the hospital, I was always home and was alone. But unfortunately, Covid started and the program was shut down in March.

In July when I was going crazy over Covid, I went back to the hospital a month ago to see if they can admit me again but they said I'm not a candidate now. I had to be either suicidal or thoughts of hurting others for me to get in. That wasn't my case. So they sent me back home. Around April I was messing up a little again honestly. But after time, I was going back to my old ways again by being angry, lying a little, lustful thoughts, prejudicial talking (which I'm not a prejudice person), not being proud for who I am, and thinking evil thoughts. If this doesn't make sense here I'm sorry. I'm distraught now

I didn't realize I was doing all these things til a week ago. Now I'm going back about my fear of hell, blasphemy against the HS, I betrayed God and Jesus, I committed the unforgivable sin, the guilt, and grieving.

I read online from random people that if you believe in God/Jesus bc your afraid of going to hell, your wrong and don't have faith and don't believe. This made me feel even worse and I'm believing it. I believe all this time and now it's selfishness and fear of me going to hell. Not bc I want to have a relationship with Jesus and God. I feel like total crap. But I want to and its hard. I want to be a better person. I want to live a sinless life, I want to get into the bible. I want to be saved. Same goes with my family, friends, and everyone. I've been calling up my friend who is a christian and his pastor of my worries. But I don't want to drive them crazy since I've been talking to them everyday. That's why I came back on here for help again.
Romans 5:1Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.
We have peace with God thru Jesus regardless of our feelings. None of us live a sinless life. How I wish I could. I spent many years as a "doubter" and know your pain. Our salvation doesn't depend on us, only on Jesus's sacrifice and continuing intercession for us. I still have seasons of doubt but am comforted by the fact I have peace with God. I'll leave you with this
Romans 8:37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord
 
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Aquatic Waves

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Romans 5:1Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.
We have peace with God thru Jesus regardless of our feelings. None of us live a sinless life. How I wish I could. I spent many years as a "doubter" and know your pain. Our salvation doesn't depend on us, only on Jesus's sacrifice and continuing intercession for us. I still have seasons of doubt but am comforted by the fact I have peace with God. I'll leave you with this
Romans 8:37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord

Did you or do you have an intense fear of going to hell? Do you feel like you committed sins that your not aware about? Call me crazy but I'm fearing that I committed worst sins like murder, rape, pedophilia. This is all coming back to me now when got admitted in the hospital
 
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Berean Tim

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Did you or do you have an intense fear of going to hell? Do you feel like you committed sins that your not aware about? Call me crazy but I'm fearing that I committed worst sins like murder, rape, pedophilia. This is all coming back to me now when got admitted in the hospital
Yes the fear was intense. Satan just wants to take you out of the game so to speak. This fear does not come from God. 2 Timothy 1:7 for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
When this comes upon you just say the Lords Prayer it covers everything
Matthew 6 “Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name.
10Your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
11Give us this day our daily bread,
12and forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
 
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Aquatic Waves

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I read a comment on YouTube that if you believe in God/Jesus bc your afraid of going to hell, your wrong and don't have faith and don't believe. This made me feel even worse and I'm believing it. I believe all this time and now it's selfishness and fear of me going to hell.
 
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Berean Tim

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I read online from random people that if you believe in God/Jesus bc your afraid of going to hell, your wrong and don't have faith and don't believe. This made me feel even worse and I'm believing it. I believe all this time and now it's selfishness and fear of me going to hell.
Being judged and going to hell is what we're saved from. Jesus took our sins upon himself and paid our debt in full. Just to jump ahead. How many of our sins were future when Christ died for them ?
1st John 1:8 If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9If we confess(agree) our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.
 
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Aquatic Waves

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How often do you read your Bible? that's where your information should come from, drop all opinions about you or hell apart from what you get from the word of God.

You shall know the truth and it shall set you free...

I'm trying to read the rest of it but I can't focus bc of all this anxiety I have
 
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Berean Tim

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I'm trying to read the rest of it but I can't focus bc of all this anxiety I have
As the old saying goes "how do you eat an elephant ?" answer bite by bite. Don't start off trying to read the whole bible, start with one book. Gospel of John would be a good start
 
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Aquatic Waves

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As the old saying goes "how do you eat an elephant ?" answer bite by bite. Don't start off trying to read the whole bible, start with one book. Gospel of John would be a good start

I read John when I was in the hospital. And I think Matthew too. I really want to read it from the old testament to the new testament
 
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Well, I hope you are feeling better. I also deal with feeling like I'm going to hell. I feel like an awful person a lot of the time. I have Schizophrenia and hear a nasty voice in my head that condemns me and tells me I'm going to hell.

It has helped me to hear your story. Knowing that I'm not the only one in constant fear of hell makes me feel better.

I wish you the best. Try to trust that it is all forgiven. My mom always tells me that "God is love." I also may have OCD because I wash my hands all the time and have other obsessions. But hearing voices is truly the worst.

Anyway, I pray that you will start to feel better. I hope I can feel better too. Amen.
 
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Aquatic Waves

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Well, I hope you are feeling better. I also deal with feeling like I'm going to hell. I feel like an awful person a lot of the time. I have Schizophrenia and hear a nasty voice in my head that condemns me and tells me I'm going to hell.

It has helped me to hear your story. Knowing that I'm not the only one in constant fear of hell makes me feel better.

I wish you the best. Try to trust that it is all forgiven. My mom always tells me that "God is love." I also may have OCD because I wash my hands all the time and have other obsessions. But hearing voices is truly the worst.

Anyway, I pray that you will start to feel better. I hope I can feel better too. Amen.

Thank you and likewise
 
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You poor thing! My heart just breaks reading your story! I just wanna wrap you up in the biggest, longest hug :( I am so sorry for all of these things that you've suffered!

You haven't mentioned (unless I missed it) whether or not you're being treated by a psychiatrist on a regular basis. Are you in therapy? Are you on medication? If not, and if you're able to start that sort of care, I beg you to do so. What you describe sounds like a very serious mental illness, and should absolutely be under the care of professionals on a consistent basis.
 
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GOD Shines Forth!

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I'm trying to read the rest of it but I can't focus bc of all this anxiety I have

Have you ever tried listening to Scripture via an audio Bible? It helps short circuit what you are describing. Find one whose voice you like and try it. You can listen while you exercise, clean house, etc.
 
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Aquatic Waves

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You poor thing! My heart just breaks reading your story! I just wanna wrap you up in the biggest, longest hug :( I am so sorry for all of these things that you've suffered!

You haven't mentioned (unless I missed it) whether or not you're being treated by a psychiatrist on a regular basis. Are you in therapy? Are you on medication? If not, and if you're able to start that sort of care, I beg you to do so. What you describe sounds like a very serious mental illness, and should absolutely be under the care of professionals on a consistent basis.

Thank you for your kind words. I do see a psychiatrist but it's monthly and yes I'm on meds
 
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bèlla

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You can find a dramatized audio version of the bible on YouTube. This is Psalms. It's good to listen to when you're feeling scared or anxious.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella
 
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