This is a bit of a long story, so grab a sandwich or something before you start reading.
Basically, one could say that my spiritual journey started in mid 2008. See, I've heard about the gospel, and been to church, several times in my life. As of right now I am 24 years old. My dad believes, or claims he does, my grand parents most certainly do, and my mom does. I used to tell the rest of my family that I was a believer, but it was a downright lie. I wanted to believe, but the entire idea seemed proposterous, and like many other people who are too ignorant or lazy to try, I just left things as they were. At times, I would kind of worry like "what if there actually is a hell?" but I would quickly dismiss the thought as it was normally at a very inconvenient time.
Then, in 2008, everything changed for me. In may of that year I was charged with 2 counts of a severe felony that would have turned me up with 30 years in prison. I ended up staying in jail for 3 and a half months before the charges were dropped, and I tell you that it felt like more than a year. I have no problem admitting that I was scared. I know innocent people have been convicted before, and I figured that I would end up a statistic, finally getting out of prison at 50 years old, having watched the prime of my life rot away for something I didn't do.
During that time I became what was known as a jailhouse Christian. That's someone who uses scripture to comfort oneself and ask for help in a time of need, but then quickly goes back to an unfullfilling lifestyle later on, such as going back to drugs after getting out of jail. After my first month in, I ended up picking up on the trend and getting myself a bible. I read most of genesis then put it down. Then I got my hands on the entire left behind series. It was the writing that did it; I'm a sucker for good writing. But the message didn't go unheard. I started wanting to believe more and more, but still had a barrier to overcome: I had no proof, and no reason to believe. In other words, I was blind as a bat. So, meaning it with every bit of my heart, I prayed, and I asked for help in both my situation with jail, and my situation with faith. I asked for proof of some sort, a sign, anything. That was at about 3 months in.
A few weeks later, I was released with all charges dropped. I couldn't believe it. The first thing I did when I got out was to buy a pack of cigarettes. I couldn't wait to get drunk, to party. All thoughts of God and the Bible flew right out of my head. Over the next 2 years I managed to develop a drug addiction, I became a compulsive liar, a thief, and a blasphemer. I hated other people, at times I wished for people to die. I said that if there was a hell, that I wanted certain people to burn there for eternity, suffering beyond all comprehension. Hate and lust just continued to grow stronger and stronger within me, as I continued to give in.
Then, in January of this year, everything changed for me. I was sitting on the couch, just idly thinking about myself. After a few minutes I started to feel somewhat disgusted with myself, and the feeling continued to grow more and more powerful by the second, until tears were streaming from my eyes. A radiant light filled the room, along with a presence of absolute purity. Words came to me. I'm not sure if I heard them, felt them, or both, but I understood immediately the meaning. "IS THIS PROOF ENOUGH?" That is what I felt.
I have no problem with believing anymore. I know now. I have all the proof I will ever need. That day I decided to quit; smoking, drinking, all of that. I wanted to be better. I still do. I want to spread his word, I want to do nothing that displeases him, I want to hate or despise no one. But I find myself failing all the time.
Am I too far gone? Have I already given up too much of myself. I think that if I had, I wouldn't be here posting this, but I've said and done some terrible things in my life, including since I found my proof. I still get drunk, I still smoke cigarettes, curse, and hate. After a car accident a couple months ago, I even cursed His name. Do I still have a chance? And where am I at spiritually. I certainly believe it all. I believe that Christ is the son of God, That he died to pay the wages of our sin, and that he was resurrected. And I do want Jesus in my life. I feel like I'll be able to find the path easier if he's with me, and that temptation won't be nearly as tempting. But every time I try to pray to him, I don't feel like I'm putting my whole heart into it, I don't feel as if I'm actually making any progress. Right now I'm really worried about the state of my soul, and what will happen to me. Death could come at any moment, and I don't want to be unprepared when it comes. What should I do? Any advice will be welcome, and thank you for taking the time to read this "book".
Basically, one could say that my spiritual journey started in mid 2008. See, I've heard about the gospel, and been to church, several times in my life. As of right now I am 24 years old. My dad believes, or claims he does, my grand parents most certainly do, and my mom does. I used to tell the rest of my family that I was a believer, but it was a downright lie. I wanted to believe, but the entire idea seemed proposterous, and like many other people who are too ignorant or lazy to try, I just left things as they were. At times, I would kind of worry like "what if there actually is a hell?" but I would quickly dismiss the thought as it was normally at a very inconvenient time.
Then, in 2008, everything changed for me. In may of that year I was charged with 2 counts of a severe felony that would have turned me up with 30 years in prison. I ended up staying in jail for 3 and a half months before the charges were dropped, and I tell you that it felt like more than a year. I have no problem admitting that I was scared. I know innocent people have been convicted before, and I figured that I would end up a statistic, finally getting out of prison at 50 years old, having watched the prime of my life rot away for something I didn't do.
During that time I became what was known as a jailhouse Christian. That's someone who uses scripture to comfort oneself and ask for help in a time of need, but then quickly goes back to an unfullfilling lifestyle later on, such as going back to drugs after getting out of jail. After my first month in, I ended up picking up on the trend and getting myself a bible. I read most of genesis then put it down. Then I got my hands on the entire left behind series. It was the writing that did it; I'm a sucker for good writing. But the message didn't go unheard. I started wanting to believe more and more, but still had a barrier to overcome: I had no proof, and no reason to believe. In other words, I was blind as a bat. So, meaning it with every bit of my heart, I prayed, and I asked for help in both my situation with jail, and my situation with faith. I asked for proof of some sort, a sign, anything. That was at about 3 months in.
A few weeks later, I was released with all charges dropped. I couldn't believe it. The first thing I did when I got out was to buy a pack of cigarettes. I couldn't wait to get drunk, to party. All thoughts of God and the Bible flew right out of my head. Over the next 2 years I managed to develop a drug addiction, I became a compulsive liar, a thief, and a blasphemer. I hated other people, at times I wished for people to die. I said that if there was a hell, that I wanted certain people to burn there for eternity, suffering beyond all comprehension. Hate and lust just continued to grow stronger and stronger within me, as I continued to give in.
Then, in January of this year, everything changed for me. I was sitting on the couch, just idly thinking about myself. After a few minutes I started to feel somewhat disgusted with myself, and the feeling continued to grow more and more powerful by the second, until tears were streaming from my eyes. A radiant light filled the room, along with a presence of absolute purity. Words came to me. I'm not sure if I heard them, felt them, or both, but I understood immediately the meaning. "IS THIS PROOF ENOUGH?" That is what I felt.
I have no problem with believing anymore. I know now. I have all the proof I will ever need. That day I decided to quit; smoking, drinking, all of that. I wanted to be better. I still do. I want to spread his word, I want to do nothing that displeases him, I want to hate or despise no one. But I find myself failing all the time.
Am I too far gone? Have I already given up too much of myself. I think that if I had, I wouldn't be here posting this, but I've said and done some terrible things in my life, including since I found my proof. I still get drunk, I still smoke cigarettes, curse, and hate. After a car accident a couple months ago, I even cursed His name. Do I still have a chance? And where am I at spiritually. I certainly believe it all. I believe that Christ is the son of God, That he died to pay the wages of our sin, and that he was resurrected. And I do want Jesus in my life. I feel like I'll be able to find the path easier if he's with me, and that temptation won't be nearly as tempting. But every time I try to pray to him, I don't feel like I'm putting my whole heart into it, I don't feel as if I'm actually making any progress. Right now I'm really worried about the state of my soul, and what will happen to me. Death could come at any moment, and I don't want to be unprepared when it comes. What should I do? Any advice will be welcome, and thank you for taking the time to read this "book".
Almost forgot..welcome to the forum. 
It was just this past week in Bible study that we learned that this is really a cornerstone of the faith. God doesn't just reach out to the rich or "clean" people. It was, after all, the poorly that Jesus reached out to while he was on Earth. Although you may not be poor, money-wise, it seems you are poor in knowledge and are struggling with morality issues. (Don't we all at times??) God wants you as you are. We are all His children, deserving in His eyes. It is up to you now to let Him into YOUR heart...He let you into His long ago! 
