If I needed help before, I need a miracle now.

[tryingtobe]

Hello everyone,
I posted on here the other day asking for help because I thought my marriage was in trouble. I guess it was in more trouble than I believed. I came home yesterday and found my husband gone. All his belingings are going and he left his wedding band and keys. I found a note which doesn't tell me very much. I'm hurting so badly and my daughter is too. When we used to talk about marriage we talked about it being forever no matter the circumstances. Now he just abandoned his family. He's a very devoted Christian and I don't understand how he could have done this to me. We fought and he was going to leave last weekend but then he came back and said we could work it out. Things were going well all week. The night before he left, he held me all night. Then he got up in the morning and kissed me and my daughter goodbye, he told her he'd see her in a little while. I don't know if he's going to come back or where he is and I'm just devastated. I feel like I can't go on. I have been reading my bible and praying all last night and today but I don't know what else to do. I just want to hear from him.

 

[sf49erfan]

I didn't see your other thread, so I have a question is your daughter, also his daughter? You refer to her as "my daughter," that's why I'm asking.

If it is his daughter, here's what I don't understand, you might leave your spouse a note if you intend to separate (I've heard of such things), but leaving your child a note???? How could a devote Christian just walk out on his own child like that?

 

[tryingtobe]

It's my daughter, his step-daughter. He dosen't have children so he treats her as his own. Her father left me when I was pregnant and my husband and I had dated years before. We reconnected when she was 1.5 and he's been active in her life for over a year now. She loves him and knows him better than anyone else. I don't know how he could do this because even when we fought before he always brought up that he wouldn't leave becasue of her and his faith that God brought us together for a reason. This is what's killing me.

 

[sf49erfan]

I don't know what to say.

I'll be praying for you.

 

[romans324]

First I am not trying to be mean so forgive me if I am but I dont care if some thinks or says they are a devote Christian and just walk out on thier family. A Devote man would work 2x as much to have things go better and put his family above his own needs. I pray that the Lord opens his eyes to see that running away will not solve the issus and that you and your daughter be comforted by the Word of God.

 

[gracefaith]

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Do you have anyone you can go to for support? A pastor or someone like that?

 

[LovesToRead]

I'm so sorry you are going through this right now.

I also didn't see your other thread. Do you have family or friends nearby that can support you right away? I just am hoping you aren't alone at this time.

I encourage you to keep praying and find a counselor as well. My husband and I have been through some very rough times. We never split up, but there were times I didn't know if we'd make it. We are doing very well now. I hope this offers you a little bit of encouragement.

Please get help for yourself and hopefully you'll hear from him and he'll be willing to go too. It's really helpful.

Take care and pm me if you ever want to.

 

[J20]

Will pray for you

 

[tryingtobe]

I have family and friends who have been very supportive and helpful. My mom took my daughter for the day so I wouldn't have to worry about making sure she had fun and being strong for her. Then my sister came over all afternoon and cooked dinner for me. A friend is coming to spend the night because I'm scared to be in this big house by myself. I am very blessed to have these people in my life. I'm just going out of my mind waiting for him to call or email. I don't know what he's thinking or feeling and I don't know if he just needed a break or if he wants to divorce which is my worst fear. Thank you all for your support. I really need it now.

 

[llghoney]

 

[LovesToRead]

I have family and friends who have been very supportive and helpful. My mom took my daughter for the day so I wouldn't have to worry about making sure she had fun and being strong for her. Then my sister came over all afternoon and cooked dinner for me. A friend is coming to spend the night because I'm scared to be in this big house by myself. I am very blessed to have these people in my life. I'm just going out of my mind waiting for him to call or email. I don't know what he's thinking or feeling and I don't know if he just needed a break or if he wants to divorce which is my worst fear. Thank you all for your support. I really need it now.

I'm very glad you have family and friends nearby. I was really hoping you weren't somewhere away from everyone else you know and love.

Glad also that you're having someone stay overnight with you.

Can you contact him through his family or friends, as someone else has suggested?

 

[tryingtobe]

I have his mom's phone number but I'm afraid to call her. I don't know what to say. I know I will eventually have to call her to find out if he's there but I don't think he is. I think there are 2 possibilities as to where he may have gone to stay. I have one of the relatives address but no phone number. If he doesn't want to talk to me I know they would tell me he's not there. I don't think they approved of him coming here and marrying me. I think he will contact me when he is ready. I just can't stand waiting for it. I feel abandoned and worthless, not to mention embarassed (we just got married a few months ago). Once I hear from him and know he is ok and find out what he wants to do I will feel somewhat better. Until then all I can do is wait and pray.

 

[InTheFlame]

This may sound horribly nasty - but this is what I'd do:

• Change all the locks... to me, this sends a very clear message of "OK, you've made your choice not to live here, I accept that - you'll need to check with me before moving back in"
• Avoid calling his friends and family.
• Book in to see a qualified christian counsellor, and your minister (if you trust him/her)

Generally, people move out when they want space from a major problem (one causing a lot of emotional turmoil), or they want better opportunity to pursue a life of sin without consequences. The first two steps above address both reasons - they provide the space-seeker with respect of their need for space, and provide the sin-seeker a consequence that they might not like, but need - we're either together, or apart - no having your cake and eating it too. The last is partly for the wellbeing of the remaining spouse, and partly as a way of ensuring that there's a path back for the spouse who left.

PS. I'm not encouraging you to get vengeful. That usually just makes things worse. I'm encouraging you to look after yourself and your daughter, AND make changes that will help your marriage in the longterm. It probably doesn't sound loving to avoid trying to get in touch with him... but it's generally best in the early days.

PPS. See if any relationship counselling centres near you run communication courses. These can be really, really useful because they teach people how to talk to each other in ways that promote understanding and teamwork, instead of defensiveness and recriminations.

 

[Primrose]

I have no advice just wanted to say I am sorry and I'll be saying prayers for you, him, and your daughter.

 

[LynnMcG]

I am so sorry for your hurt. I pray God grants you peace in this situation. I'm praying for you and your daughter.

 

[BigNorsk]

This is tough. I feared at first that maybe he was depressed and going to do something real stupid but I don't think so. He said to your daughter that he was going to see her soon and I think he probably intends to do so.

I suspect his not being able to find work is a real key in this and he didn't feel overly welcomed by your family to start with and it's probably been eating at him. I really, really don't think he intended to hurt you, I think he has actually convinced himself that you don't want to be with him.

If I was to guess, my best guess would be that he intends to find work and show everyone he can and then he will contact you. The ring and such being there is probably because he doubts himself, he sounds like someone who doesn't have a lot of faith in himself at least not anymore.

Now I'm maybe wrong about what I've written so far, but I don't think I'm wrong about the next part. You must contact his mother and anyone else that you have a clue he might contact and you need to make it plain to them that you are worried sick, and you love, him, really love him, and how sorry you are that he misunderstood and left, and please if they hear from him to ask him to contact you and to please just come home.

See the reason is that he already doesn't think you really want him, he feels a failure and is interpreting your fight and such as proof of that. If you don't contact people and beg them to send him back to you, he is going to take that as confirmation that you really don't want him.

It might seem embarassing or whatever, but now isn't the time to take things quietly. He will take that as you are happy he is gone.

Due to the circumstances surrounding your marriage, you both have been under much more stress than is normal so early in a marriage and I wouldn't take this as if he isn't happy with you, he thinks you aren't happy with him. You have a tender man on your hands and you will have to treat him as such. Other women might be able to put their man down and nag him and their husband has a thick skin and just keeps on going, but such things will eat at your guy, you really must be careful when you fight not to ever try to hurt him in order to win. I suspect you said some hurtful things in your fight and while you made up afterwards the hurt remained with him, he probably has convinced himself that what you said in the fight is how you really feel and what you say other times is just a front you are putting on because you are nice and don't want to hurt him.

He very well could be depressed after all he certainly is having a lot of stress, and that would at least partly explain his difficulty in finding work.

So I would recommend tomorrow calling everyone you can think of and telling them you had so hoped he was just spending a day or two away to get his thoughts together, but now you suspect he is going further and how horrible you feel that he didn't realize how you love him and how it's been rough, but you just want him back and please let him know if they see him and please let you know at least that he is alright. Don't hold back, this isn't the time for pride.

I suspect that he will contact you when he has a job, and you should get ready to be moving from your family to be with him.

Marv

 

[tryingtobe]

BigNorsk,
I took your advice and called his mom. She called his brother and he's not there. There's only one other possibility of where he could be and they both are checking on it for me. They talked to ma about what they think may be going on and they both feel that him not working was killing his pride as a man. I understand this but I still believe that he should have done it in a different way. I'm still waiting to hear from him. Thanks again for the advice.

 

[tryingtobe]

We've checked all the posibilities of where he could be and he's not there. He's still in my city because he contacted his brother and asked for his brother's help in comoing home. He sent me an email that just said he's ok. I don't know where to go from here expcept to talk to police or call shelters.

Please pray for his safety and return to his home.