I wish I were dead

[AmplifiedHeart]

Title says it all. Living is just too hard when there is so much pain. I always tell myself that I'm going to change and do better but it never last. I'm twenty-five years old. I've never held a job. I don't have any education beyond graduating from high school. I don't have any skills. I'm morbidly obese. I have like one friend. I'm just an all around piece of crap. I don't feel like God cares about me at all. If he did why would he let me go through so much pain. When is enough going to be enough? Why isn't he there for me? When will he save me and show me that I'm not alone? How much do I have to go through? I feel like my life is just one big test to see how much crap I can take before I finally kill myself. I try to hold on but I'm losing the will to stay alive. I tell myself maybe things will get better but they never do. God isn't there for me. He hates me. I was a mistake. My life is one big game to him. I'm just God's entertainment for the day while he is helping his real children out. My life amuses him. I'm just a mistake. When I was younger my mom told me that she wished she would have had an abortion with me like she wanted to. I agree. I wish I were never born.

 

[Inkachu]

If you are actually considering harming yourself or ending your life, please call this number right now: 1-800-273-8255 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

If you don't feel you're in immediate danger of hurting yourself, you need to call your doctor and ask to be referred for a psychiatric evaluation. That doesn't mean that you're crazy or weird or that something's wrong with you. It means that you need someone to talk to. Someone with experience in dealing with people who are going through serious struggles.

There is help out there. Your life doesn't need to continue the way it has been. It CAN get better. You just need to reach out for the help that is available to you.

Saying a prayer for you as well.

 

[Tempura]

God isn't a moustache-twirling torturer. He certainly loves you. You don't love you.

Get help. Therapy, psychologists, anything. There are support groups too. Usually when the more acute situation is over, the weight thing can become another process to work on, since increasing activity and eating better is always good for you in every way. It's certainly doable, I've lost an OK amount in a couple of years and I'm extremely lazy.

I don't have much skills either. Unemployed for 8 years, disability pension. No spouse. There were times when I just laid there in a pile of empty bottles, crap, garbage and self-loathing. Years of therapy, many hospital trips, some AA, the works. I'm not saying I'm you, I'm saying plenty of people go through something like that and it usually "blows up" when one is a young adult.

Try your best to get help. Life is always worth living, that's why you're still alive because your instincts resist your depressed notions of hopelessness. Before I first started seriously getting help, I was at a complete rock bottom. Use that desperation to your advantage.

God bless you and go for it, get help. You can do it.

 

[High Fidelity]

Title says it all. Living is just too hard when there is so much pain. I always tell myself that I'm going to change and do better but it never last. I'm twenty-five years old. I've never held a job. I don't have any education beyond graduating from high school. I don't have any skills. I'm morbidly obese. I have like one friend. I'm just an all around piece of crap. I don't feel like God cares about me at all. If he did why would he let me go through so much pain. When is enough going to be enough? Why isn't he there for me? When will he save me and show me that I'm not alone? How much do I have to go through? I feel like my life is just one big test to see how much crap I can take before I finally kill myself. I try to hold on but I'm losing the will to stay alive. I tell myself maybe things will get better but they never do. God isn't there for me. He hates me. I was a mistake. My life is one big game to him. I'm just God's entertainment for the day while he is helping his real children out. My life amuses him. I'm just a mistake. When I was younger my mom told me that she wished she would have had an abortion with me like she wanted to. I agree. I wish I were never born.

I understand you're hurting and I also understand that I can't read your mind and I don't know your heart, so I won't truly understand what it is to experience what you are going through, but there is hope.

I'd like to know the following to try and understand better;

Are you overweight because of lifestyle choices or medical condition?
Why haven't you had a job? Is it a case of applying and not succeeding or have you not been applying?
Do you have any idea what you would like to do?
Friends; I don't have many either. I'm not the most sociable of people, but I also know that while out of work I either lost or ceased contact with a lot of people. I'll make more friends when I'm out working again and interacting with people again. I'm sure it will be the same for you.

As for skills, sure you have skills. You graduated high school; That's a competence level in a lot of skills that qualify you to do quite a lot.
I don't even have high school qualifications and I managed to get a management position at a huge store because I was able to make a better impression on my covering letter than was available on my resume as far as qualifications was concerned.
Do you add a covering letter to your resume? Basically explaining a bit more about you as a person and why you're interested, why you think you're right for the job etc. A good covering letter goes a long way.

Either way, I think it's best you consult your Doctor so that they can refer you to someone that will help you realise a plan that you can aim for and stick to that will hopefully get you back on track.

Your self-esteem is probably as low as it can be right now. Once you start achieving, even small victories, it can and will make a huge difference in your life and perspective when you consider bigger and better achievements.

Don't give up!

 

[AmplifiedHeart]

I understand you're hurting and I also understand that I can't read your mind and I don't know your heart, so I won't truly understand what it is to experience what you are going through, but there is hope.

I'd like to know the following to try and understand better;

Are you overweight because of lifestyle choices or medical condition?
Why haven't you had a job? Is it a case of applying and not succeeding or have you not been applying?
Do you have any idea what you would like to do?
Friends; I don't have many either. I'm not the most sociable of people, but I also know that while out of work I either lost or ceased contact with a lot of people. I'll make more friends when I'm out working again and interacting with people again. I'm sure it will be the same for you.

As for skills, sure you have skills. You graduated high school; That's a competence level in a lot of skills that qualify you to do quite a lot.
I don't even have high school qualifications and I managed to get a management position at a huge store because I was able to make a better impression on my covering letter than was available on my resume as far as qualifications was concerned.
Do you add a covering letter to your resume? Basically explaining a bit more about you as a person and why you're interested, why you think you're right for the job etc. A good covering letter goes a long way.

Either way, I think it's best you consult your Doctor so that they can refer you to someone that will help you realise a plan that you can aim for and stick to that will hopefully get you back on track.

Your self-esteem is probably as low as it can be right now. Once you start achieving, even small victories, it can and will make a huge difference in your life and perspective when you consider bigger and better achievements.

Don't give up!

I'm obese because of past lifestyle choices, yes. But for the past year I have cleaned up my diet significantly and I'm still not losing much weight. I have dropped all refined sugars, grains, hydrogenated oils etc. I pretty much eat a Paleo /primal lifestyle. It has help me in a lot of ways but weight loss hasn't been one of them. I suspect a thyroid /adrenal issue might be the problem because I literally can't lose any weight unless I starve myself. My metabolism is most likely shot because of all of the dieting I have done in the past. I use to fill out job applications but I don't anymore. I gave up after a while. I would have an amazing cover letter and resume even though I've never had a job. The people would call me and be very excited to schedule an interview with me. I would prepare myself and go to the interviews only to have the interviewer take one look at me and dismiss me. Of course they wouldn't say it out right but I could tell the look of disappointment on their face. They would proceed to go on with the interview knowing full well they wouldn't even consider me. I weight close to 400lbs,mind you. I got tired of subjecting myself to the humiliation, so I stopped applying. It became clear that most people were judging me based off of my looks.

I've been to doctors and hospitals but they've been of no help. Most just want to pump me full of drugs but I'm not with that anymore. Therapy hasn't helped much either and as of now most places either aren't accepting new patients or they aren't accepting my insurance. I have tried. I signed up for Medicare through obama Care and the pcp they assigned me to isn't even accepting people with my insurance anymore... Where do they do that at? Some places that I call to get help have over a three month waiting list. Are they serious? It doesn't seem like mental health is being taken seriously in this country at all. Yet they wonder why bad things happen. People try to reach out but the resources just aren't there. And when they do finally see you all they want to do is drug you. And that comes with its own set of side effects and problems. Been there and done that one to many times.

 

[High Fidelity]

I'm obese because of past lifestyle choices, yes. But for the past year I have cleaned up my diet significantly and I'm still not losing much weight. I have dropped all refined sugars, grains, hydrogenated oils etc. I pretty much eat a Paleo /primal lifestyle. It has help me in a lot of ways but weight loss hasn't been one of them. I suspect a thyroid /adrenal issue might be the problem because I literally can't lose any weight unless I starve myself. My metabolism is most likely shot because of all of the dieting I have done in the past. I use to fill out job applications but I don't anymore. I gave up after a while. I would have an amazing cover letter and resume even though I've never had a job. The people would call me and be very excited to schedule an interview with me. I would prepare myself and go to the interviews only to have the interviewer take one look at me and dismiss me. Of course they wouldn't say it out right but I could tell the look of disappointment on their face. They would proceed to go on with the interview knowing full well they wouldn't even consider me. I weight close to 400lbs,mind you. I got tired of subjecting myself to the humiliation, so I stopped applying. It became clear that most people were judging me based off of my looks.

I've been to doctors and hospitals but they've been of no help. Most just want to pump me full of drugs but I'm not with that anymore. Therapy hasn't helped much either and as of now most places either aren't accepting new patients or they aren't accepting my insurance. I have tried. I signed up for Medicare through obama Care and the pcp they assigned me to isn't even accepting people with my insurance anymore... Where do they do that at? Some places that I call to get help have over a three month waiting list. Are they serious? It doesn't seem like mental health is being taken seriously in this country at all. Yet they wonder why bad things happen. People try to reach out but the resources just aren't there.

What sort of exercise are you doing?

I'd imagine you should be able to do some light cardio at least and then build yourself up from that

The key is not to over exert yourself at first and I'm sure you will, as most people do, but it also teaches you your limits when starting out.

If you build up slowly, you will likely start noticing a difference within a couple weeks, if not sooner.

Even if it's just walking around the block or up and down it. Take note of what lamp post you start feeling tired at and remember that for the future. Eventually you'll realise you feel better and better each time when you reach it.

 

[AmplifiedHeart]

If you are actually considering harming yourself or ending your life, please call this number right now: 1-800-273-8255 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

If you don't feel you're in immediate danger of hurting yourself, you need to call your doctor and ask to be referred for a psychiatric evaluation. That doesn't mean that you're crazy or weird or that something's wrong with you. It means that you need someone to talk to. Someone with experience in dealing with people who are going through serious struggles.

There is help out there. Your life doesn't need to continue the way it has been. It CAN get better. You just need to reach out for the help that is available to you.

Saying a prayer for you as well.

I wish I were dead but I don't feel like killing myself, right now at least. I voluntarily had myself committed before and I will never do that again. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I was surrounded by human zombies and the doctors were trying to drug me too but I kept refusing. They treated the patients like crap. I saw no compassion or help being given, just meds. I know that all places aren't like that but I'm pretty sure that the majority are. I've been in and out of the mental health system since I was a child and I have yet to find a professional that genuinly seems to care and wants to get down to the root of the problem instead of just medicating or putting a bandage over it. Just my experience.

 

[AmplifiedHeart]

God isn't a moustache-twirling torturer. He certainly loves you. You don't love you.

Get help. Therapy, psychologists, anything. There are support groups too. Usually when the more acute situation is over, the weight thing can become another process to work on, since increasing activity and eating better is always good for you in every way. It's certainly doable, I've lost an OK amount in a couple of years and I'm extremely lazy.

I don't have much skills either. Unemployed for 8 years, disability pension. No spouse. There were times when I just laid there in a pile of empty bottles, crap, garbage and self-loathing. Years of therapy, many hospital trips, some AA, the works. I'm not saying I'm you, I'm saying plenty of people go through something like that and it usually "blows up" when one is a young adult.

Try your best to get help. Life is always worth living, that's why you're still alive because your instincts resist your depressed notions of hopelessness. Before I first started seriously getting help, I was at a complete rock bottom. Use that desperation to your advantage.

God bless you and go for it, get help. You can do it.

Thanks. Yes that sounds like me in a nutshell. I've hit rock bottom before and believe it or not, this isn't it. I'm actually better now than I was before. I use to have crippling social anxiety. I would barely even leave my room. You couldn't even see the floor in my bedroom at one point. I was so depressed. Didn't clean, didn't shower, nothing. Just slept all day and ate.. Story of my life. I've come very far but not far enough, as you can see. I'm still holding on by the thread that I've been holding onto for years.

 

[Inkachu]

I wish I were dead but I don't feel like killing myself, right now at least. I voluntarily had myself committed before and I will never do that again. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I was surrounded by human zombies and the doctors were trying to drug me too but I kept refusing. They treated the patients like crap. I saw no compassion or help being given, just meds. I know that all places aren't like that but I'm pretty sure that the majority are. I've been in and out of the mental health system since I was a child and I have yet to find a professional that genuinly seems to care and wants to get down to the root of the problem instead of just medicating or putting a bandage over it. Just my experience.

FWIW I was in the mental health system as a teen, for several years. I met horrible people, and wonderful people. The whole system isn't good or bad, you'll find both types of people. Sometimes, you have to be your own advocate when it comes to healthcare, and you have to speak up repeatedly to get things to happen.

 

[Inkachu]

Thanks. Yes that sounds like me in a nutshell. I've hit rock bottom before and believe it or not, this isn't it. I'm actually better now than I was before. I use to have crippling social anxiety. I would barely even leave my room. You couldn't even see the floor in my bedroom at one point. I was so depressed. Didn't clean, didn't shower, nothing. Just slept all day and ate.. Story of my life. I've come very far but not far enough, as you can see. I'm still holding on by the thread that I've been holding onto for years.

One day at a time, sister. As they say, what matters is not how many times you fall down, but that you keep getting up again.