I was told I am too late to reconcile with

SCarneal

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Hi everyone. The story like many others is long, complicated, and messy. Grab a drink haha.
Here we go:
In July/August 2019 I began to slip in my family. My PTSD caused me to shut my wife out some. When she asked what was wrong I did not respond. In time I wrote her a letter stating everything that I was upset about with her. Let me be clear: I was wrong! My issues had nothing to do with her but my response was exacerbated due to my internal problems.
In December of 2019, she said it was not working for her and we needed to separate. So I left. I ended up staying with an old shipmate of mine who had been through a rough divorce and set me up until I got stuff straight. Key point is that this was a female.
I did not think much of it but my wife that I was separated from did not like it. Understandably so.
Not long after, I was asking to come home. She ignored my requests, but I was able to come back home to be with the kids.
I had been going 3-4 times a week to be there with everyone and to cover down when she was in school.
At one point in late 2020, she changed course and wanted to go to counseling. She had asked me to come back for practical reasons before that but I had ignored those requests like she had ignored mine. That was wrong of me. I regret not saying yes.
We went to counseling but it was not good counseling. We both agreed he was not really good for us. But we were trying to make it work. Then without warning, the place shut down and dispersed all the therapists.
She says she wanted to do the exercises in the book that was given to us, but I do not remember that happening. Perhaps I was too into my own issues to have heard her. She took it as blowing her off.
That was earlier this year in 2021. Now we get to the hard stuff.
In May of this year, I hit a really hard depression. I became suicidal, wanted my family back so badly for support but didn't think it was possible, and thought the only way to stop the pain was to end my life. I wrote my suicide note and was planning it out. Getting ready to find relief, it scared me so bad. Something in me clicked in me (God's influence) and I reversed hard and fast. I ended up getting the message that if I was ready to die for my family, then I had better be willing to live for them too. So I did. I started to try. I began coming to the house more. Helping more. I no longer stuck my face in my laptop until it was late then called it a night and left. I was present and doing better. I thought I saw signs of potential as well. So after a little bit, I asked her out on a date. She said no. We'd talk about houses and it sounded like I was included in the upcoming house buying and move. Then when I'd talk about doing things together she would seem to shut down and not look at me.
It all culminated in me sending her a couple therapy letters that expressed my desire to reconcile, to go to counseling, and to restore the marriage.
Three weeks later, in an email (she prefers email to talk about difficult things) she told me that it was over. That a part of her would love me because we have four kids together, but that she could not be in love with me again. That she noticed the effort but it was too little too late. She said there was not enough counseling in the world and there was too much hurt after being apart for 18 months to get over. She fast-tracked to put get a separation agreement together with a lawyer and to call the realtor to sell the house. She wanted both of us to live in separate houses in the same area.
I panicked emailed her three times that day. The next day she emailed back saying I am not listening. That she's started to move on and she needs me to do the same.
I then dug in and leaned on God harder. I called an age-old friend I had not really talked with much despite him constantly reaching out to me. He happens to know my wife and me since before she and I were married. I've known him since I was 6.
He ended up getting saved because he went to church with my wife and I about 17 years ago. Now he has a master's in theology. He prayed with me and has been there counseling me.
I ended up telling my wife that I did not want a divorce. That we are only separated but not divorced, and that I am to love my wife no matter what...so that is what I was going to do. I asked her to consider counseling and to consider letting me come home to maximize my time with the kids.
The next day, I wanted to answer a question she had: Why now?
I admitted, even though I didn't want to, that I had written my suicide note and almost went through with it. But that God snapped me back and impressed on me that message I shared earlier, that if I was willing to die for them, then I better be willing to live for them.
That night, she text me as I left the house asking what it would look like if I came home in a practical sense. I answered with a thought-out list.
Then she asked if I did not, where would I live, how would it change the list, and what my telework schedule looked like. I answered her in person this time.
Two days later she seemed off. I was on the phone with my friend on my way back from my house to the temp place I have stayed at for the majority of the 18 months. I told him I thought I saw an email she clicked out of on her laptop and by how she was acting all day, I was afraid it was for me. I was right. I pulled over to read the email that popped in on the drive while I was talking to him and read it.
In short, she had said yes to me coming back for practical reasons only, and she had not changed her mind about going through with the separation. That she was not in a place to do a 180 and just let the last 18 months go. She also said right now it was a yes to being there, but not a yes to working to reconciliation.
The next day I came back and talked to her about it in person. I acknowledged my failures, that I understood it was for practical reasons, and that she was not in a place to let anything go. I also told her when she gets to a place like that, that we do not let it go. Rather we start to talk about the issues and not sweep anything under the rug as she said at one point. I asked when I could come back and she said whenever. So the next day I was home.
Things have been friendly but she seems to be going forward with moving into a home herself without me. I am diligently serving and sticking to the list I gave her. I am in the word daily over and over. I pray and seek God constantly. However, I feel nothing is happening. In a few weeks, she wants to put the house up for sale and move before school starts in August. So I am feeling a time crunch along with everything else.
I know that it will take time and not to expect a fast change. What I am scared of is that she said she seems to be really good friends but still holding onto the barriers that are keeping us from moving anywhere. And she shows no signs of being perceptive to change or rebuilding not matter how much I pray to soften her heart and save this marriage. No matter how hard I work with acts of service and constantly search the Lord to guide me, and to work in her. I have given this marriage to him. He is the only one who can save us. But I am so lost because time is running low to get change in work so we can move together as a family and work to renew our marriage.
I do not know what to do. In a few weeks, this could become more solidified. I am scared to bring anything up because I do not want to push her away and ruin potential hope. I am trusting God yet feel stuck in a hopeless spot at the same time.
Today I was literally on my knees, face to the floor, begging the Lord for help. I read two devotionals today and both had the widow who persistently asked the ungodly careless judge for justice. He finally gave in because she kept asking. Then it says to think how much more willing the Lord is to answer and help because unlike the judge, he cares for us. So I took it as a message to persist in seeking him and keep doing acts of service for my family while I am under the same roof.
Yet I am afraid and hurting. She is such a nice person and we talk, laugh, eat dinner, etc. But still, no change in the rest.
I am asking for counsel, prayer, and thoughts on this because I want this separation to end, to avoid divorce, and I am feeling hopeless no matter how much I obey God now. I am thankful for the lessons and suffering to help me grow. I just pray that he hears me and grants this miracle to redeem our marriage, put himself at the center, and save us from divorce.
 

Thomas White

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Hi everyone. The story like many others is long, complicated, and messy. Grab a drink haha.
Here we go:
In July/August 2019 I began to slip in my family. My PTSD caused me to shut my wife out some. When she asked what was wrong I did not respond. In time I wrote her a letter stating everything that I was upset about with her. Let me be clear: I was wrong! My issues had nothing to do with her but my response was exacerbated due to my internal problems.
In December of 2019, she said it was not working for her and we needed to separate. So I left. I ended up staying with an old shipmate of mine who had been through a rough divorce and set me up until I got stuff straight. Key point is that this was a female.
I did not think much of it but my wife that I was separated from did not like it. Understandably so.
Not long after, I was asking to come home. She ignored my requests, but I was able to come back home to be with the kids.
I had been going 3-4 times a week to be there with everyone and to cover down when she was in school.
At one point in late 2020, she changed course and wanted to go to counseling. She had asked me to come back for practical reasons before that but I had ignored those requests like she had ignored mine. That was wrong of me. I regret not saying yes.
We went to counseling but it was not good counseling. We both agreed he was not really good for us. But we were trying to make it work. Then without warning, the place shut down and dispersed all the therapists.
She says she wanted to do the exercises in the book that was given to us, but I do not remember that happening. Perhaps I was too into my own issues to have heard her. She took it as blowing her off.
That was earlier this year in 2021. Now we get to the hard stuff.
In May of this year, I hit a really hard depression. I became suicidal, wanted my family back so badly for support but didn't think it was possible, and thought the only way to stop the pain was to end my life. I wrote my suicide note and was planning it out. Getting ready to find relief, it scared me so bad. Something in me clicked in me (God's influence) and I reversed hard and fast. I ended up getting the message that if I was ready to die for my family, then I had better be willing to live for them too. So I did. I started to try. I began coming to the house more. Helping more. I no longer stuck my face in my laptop until it was late then called it a night and left. I was present and doing better. I thought I saw signs of potential as well. So after a little bit, I asked her out on a date. She said no. We'd talk about houses and it sounded like I was included in the upcoming house buying and move. Then when I'd talk about doing things together she would seem to shut down and not look at me.
It all culminated in me sending her a couple therapy letters that expressed my desire to reconcile, to go to counseling, and to restore the marriage.
Three weeks later, in an email (she prefers email to talk about difficult things) she told me that it was over. That a part of her would love me because we have four kids together, but that she could not be in love with me again. That she noticed the effort but it was too little too late. She said there was not enough counseling in the world and there was too much hurt after being apart for 18 months to get over. She fast-tracked to put get a separation agreement together with a lawyer and to call the realtor to sell the house. She wanted both of us to live in separate houses in the same area.
I panicked emailed her three times that day. The next day she emailed back saying I am not listening. That she's started to move on and she needs me to do the same.
I then dug in and leaned on God harder. I called an age-old friend I had not really talked with much despite him constantly reaching out to me. He happens to know my wife and me since before she and I were married. I've known him since I was 6.
He ended up getting saved because he went to church with my wife and I about 17 years ago. Now he has a master's in theology. He prayed with me and has been there counseling me.
I ended up telling my wife that I did not want a divorce. That we are only separated but not divorced, and that I am to love my wife no matter what...so that is what I was going to do. I asked her to consider counseling and to consider letting me come home to maximize my time with the kids.
The next day, I wanted to answer a question she had: Why now?
I admitted, even though I didn't want to, that I had written my suicide note and almost went through with it. But that God snapped me back and impressed on me that message I shared earlier, that if I was willing to die for them, then I better be willing to live for them.
That night, she text me as I left the house asking what it would look like if I came home in a practical sense. I answered with a thought-out list.
Then she asked if I did not, where would I live, how would it change the list, and what my telework schedule looked like. I answered her in person this time.
Two days later she seemed off. I was on the phone with my friend on my way back from my house to the temp place I have stayed at for the majority of the 18 months. I told him I thought I saw an email she clicked out of on her laptop and by how she was acting all day, I was afraid it was for me. I was right. I pulled over to read the email that popped in on the drive while I was talking to him and read it.
In short, she had said yes to me coming back for practical reasons only, and she had not changed her mind about going through with the separation. That she was not in a place to do a 180 and just let the last 18 months go. She also said right now it was a yes to being there, but not a yes to working to reconciliation.
The next day I came back and talked to her about it in person. I acknowledged my failures, that I understood it was for practical reasons, and that she was not in a place to let anything go. I also told her when she gets to a place like that, that we do not let it go. Rather we start to talk about the issues and not sweep anything under the rug as she said at one point. I asked when I could come back and she said whenever. So the next day I was home.
Things have been friendly but she seems to be going forward with moving into a home herself without me. I am diligently serving and sticking to the list I gave her. I am in the word daily over and over. I pray and seek God constantly. However, I feel nothing is happening. In a few weeks, she wants to put the house up for sale and move before school starts in August. So I am feeling a time crunch along with everything else.
I know that it will take time and not to expect a fast change. What I am scared of is that she said she seems to be really good friends but still holding onto the barriers that are keeping us from moving anywhere. And she shows no signs of being perceptive to change or rebuilding not matter how much I pray to soften her heart and save this marriage. No matter how hard I work with acts of service and constantly search the Lord to guide me, and to work in her. I have given this marriage to him. He is the only one who can save us. But I am so lost because time is running low to get change in work so we can move together as a family and work to renew our marriage.
I do not know what to do. In a few weeks, this could become more solidified. I am scared to bring anything up because I do not want to push her away and ruin potential hope. I am trusting God yet feel stuck in a hopeless spot at the same time.
Today I was literally on my knees, face to the floor, begging the Lord for help. I read two devotionals today and both had the widow who persistently asked the ungodly careless judge for justice. He finally gave in because she kept asking. Then it says to think how much more willing the Lord is to answer and help because unlike the judge, he cares for us. So I took it as a message to persist in seeking him and keep doing acts of service for my family while I am under the same roof.
Yet I am afraid and hurting. She is such a nice person and we talk, laugh, eat dinner, etc. But still, no change in the rest.
I am asking for counsel, prayer, and thoughts on this because I want this separation to end, to avoid divorce, and I am feeling hopeless no matter how much I obey God now. I am thankful for the lessons and suffering to help me grow. I just pray that he hears me and grants this miracle to redeem our marriage, put himself at the center, and save us from divorce.

Keep praying, keep submitting, and keep trying with your wife. No matter what, give everything to God. Stay in Him. Trust in God.

Keep trying. Show your wife you are different. It might not work, but that is not the end. TRUST in God to see you through. One way or another, you will come out on the other side of this with Him.
 
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Rescued One

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Which one of us knows what God will do? What will He do to change us or the person for whom we are praying? For years I prayed for my mother to become a Christian. She lived to be in her nineties. She never became a Christian. She believed in a god who answered prayers, but she knew very little about the Bible and had almost no interest in what it said. She said she wanted a Bible so my husband sent her a large print modern English (NIV) edition. She asked if I could send her one of his address labels to put in it. I did. She said she put the Bible on a piece of furniture in another room. I asked her if she read it. She said it was too hard to understand. She told me she rubbed it one day as she went by. I'm confused! My mother's parents went to church together. They didn't own Bibles. They never talked about God. They didn't pray at mealtime or ever talk about praying. My grandmother was appalled when a minister asked her if her old father in the nursing home was a Christian. Apparently she thought all people are Christians if they're not Jews.

My parents divorced a month before I turned nine. My father, an army officer, eventually became a staunch atheist.

Some people are convinced that faith and perseverance will convince God to change His mind and convert the person for whom we are praying; they haven't shown me the Bible verse. Why won't someone show me?

1 Corinthians 3 ESV
1 But I, brothers, could not address you as spiritual people, but as people of the flesh, as infants in Christ. 2 I fed you with milk, not solid food, for you were not ready for it. And even now you are not yet ready, 3 for you are still of the flesh. For while there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not of the flesh and behaving only in a human way? 4 For when one says, “I follow Paul,” and another, “I follow Apollos,” are you not being merely human?

5 What then is Apollos? What is Paul? Servants through whom you believed, as the Lord assigned to each. 6 I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth. 7 So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth. 8 He who plants and he who waters are one, and each will receive his wages according to his labor. 9 For we are God’s fellow workers. You are God’s field, God’s building.

Who converted Paul? Did Paul tell us?

I am not here to criticize anyone or to tell anyone not to pray. Just realize that you can't change your wife. And you can't blame yourself. You can only draw close to God and try to do His will.

The joy of the Lord is my strength.
 
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SCarneal

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I agree. I cannot change my wife. Nor do I want to. I was the problem for the majority of this. It took God allowing me to reach the point where I thought death was better than living so that I could truly be in a place where my old self was gone and he could rebuild me from there.
She wanted to much to have this work out. Then over the last few months she began to grieve the marriage and felt it was time to move on. Around that time I was coming into the worst of my time. The timing was off and by the time I was clinging to God she'd began to move on.
I don't want to change her. I love her as she is and accept who she is and will be. What I desire is to keep in the word, hearing how it is being applied by God to my life (there have been some uncanny moments that made me thank God for being there), and of course for God to bless her and draw her close. I also pray that the holy spirit moves within us to break down the barriers that are keeping us from reconciliation.
I want to go to counseling. She does not. She is not mean about it. She likes that we are friends. We are living under the same roof at the moment finally after 18 months. We just watched hockey together. We're friends. That's how we started as teens who were friends. We've been married 18 years next month.
I thank you for your perspective. I cannot give up though. If I do not pray and remain dedicated to showing my change like Thomas advised, that will guarantee divorce. It'll validate to her that she was right because I would have given up. But I'm not. I told her I'm not, even though she isn't in a place where she feels she can move forward. That is something only God can influence now. Not to change her, but to show her how to see the change in me, and bring her out of a place of hurt and uncertainty into a place of forgiveness and hope.
The only way for that, in my mind, is to do as you have said: draw closer to him and try to do his will.
And pray he works the way he did for Joseph to see the changes in his brothers, that she sees that in me and works to reconcile so that our family is whole again.
It's where I don't see how his will is panning out that has me in knots. I don't know how to be content with him yet. How to trust no matter what that he is there and seeing us through. Harsh on me, but it's true.
Ok, I've a deep desire to pray and lift all this to him right now. Thank you again.
 
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Thomas White

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I agree. I cannot change my wife. Nor do I want to. I was the problem for the majority of this. It took God allowing me to reach the point where I thought death was better than living so that I could truly be in a place where my old self was gone and he could rebuild me from there.
She wanted to much to have this work out. Then over the last few months she began to grieve the marriage and felt it was time to move on. Around that time I was coming into the worst of my time. The timing was off and by the time I was clinging to God she'd began to move on.
I don't want to change her. I love her as she is and accept who she is and will be. What I desire is to keep in the word, hearing how it is being applied by God to my life (there have been some uncanny moments that made me thank God for being there), and of course for God to bless her and draw her close. I also pray that the holy spirit moves within us to break down the barriers that are keeping us from reconciliation.
I want to go to counseling. She does not. She is not mean about it. She likes that we are friends. We are living under the same roof at the moment finally after 18 months. We just watched hockey together. We're friends. That's how we started as teens who were friends. We've been married 18 years next month.
I thank you for your perspective. I cannot give up though. If I do not pray and remain dedicated to showing my change like Thomas advised, that will guarantee divorce. It'll validate to her that she was right because I would have given up. But I'm not. I told her I'm not, even though she isn't in a place where she feels she can move forward. That is something only God can influence now. Not to change her, but to show her how to see the change in me, and being her out of a place of hurt and uncertainty into a place of forgiveness and hope.
The only way for that, in my mind, is to do as you have said: draw closer to him and try to do his will.
And pray he works the way he did for Joseph to see the changes in his brothers, that she sees that in me and works to reconcile so that our family is whole again.
It's where I don't see how his will is panning out that has me in knots. I don't know how to be content with him yet. How to trust no matter what that he is there and seeing us through. Harsh on me, but it's true.
Ok, I've a deep desire to pray and lift all this to him right now. Thank you again.

You are on a path to a better future. You will know the love of God like never before, and that will result in true transformation. God had to break me down too, brother. Suicide seemed like that best way. Fortunately, He gave me hope.
 
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SCarneal

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You are on a path to a better future. You will know the love of God like never before, and that will result in true transformation. God had to break me down too, brother. Suicide seemed like that best way. Fortunately, He gave me hope.

First off, I am so glad you did not go through with it. I never understood until I was there. Now that I have been there, I get it. I am thankful neither of us went through with it. I will remember you in prayer to continue to provide you with hope. That other place is scary.

I logically know you are right. Life is moving and this better future he has in mind is better than what I could do on my own. Something I fail at is fearing his tests though. Funny right? I admitted this to my accountability partner a few days ago. I pray to hear me and bring us both back to him, redeem the marriage, and help us build something better than our most passionate and connected days before. I do not hinge my faith on the outcome, yet I fear committing to him that I will go with his will and be happy in him no matter the outcome will result in him testing that out by allowing her to continue to stay hardened to redeeming the marriage. She is normally not like this, but she has been through so much and me checking-out for so long (even though physically I'd be there to help a few days a week) has caused her to build up walls to protect her from hurt again, and blocks her from feeling love for me. That is all my fault, not hers.
As I type all that, it is registering that I am showing my lack in faith in him and not trusting his will is best no matter what. Maybe he agrees and wants to have us reconcile, but my lack of faith is hindering progress. Maybe he is waiting to move forward when I finally give it all up to him, despite my figurative paralyzing fear. This could be a test among all the others that are teaching me about how this affected her. Ok. I know what I need to do. I do not know how to pray it and feel it as true submission to his will, but I am going to pray to give it up to him and trust he wants more than anything to make both her life and mine complete through his will, whatever that will is. Yes I pray it is together. I get it, his will maybe different, or it may be the same waiting on me to finally give in fully. Only committing to this will I know.
If you happen to remember this in prayer, we would appreciate it. I know she doesn't know I am on here, but if she knew that there were people praying, she'd be thankful for that which is why I say "we".
Well, I am afraid, but I am about to pray and give it up to him. I am afraid, but...here we go.
 
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Hi everyone. The story like many others is long, complicated, and messy. Grab a drink haha.
Here we go:
In July/August 2019 I began to slip in my family. My PTSD caused me to shut my wife out some. When she asked what was wrong I did not respond. In time I wrote her a letter stating everything that I was upset about with her. Let me be clear: I was wrong! My issues had nothing to do with her but my response was exacerbated due to my internal problems.
In December of 2019, she said it was not working for her and we needed to separate. So I left. I ended up staying with an old shipmate of mine who had been through a rough divorce and set me up until I got stuff straight. Key point is that this was a female.
I did not think much of it but my wife that I was separated from did not like it. Understandably so.
Not long after, I was asking to come home. She ignored my requests, but I was able to come back home to be with the kids.
I had been going 3-4 times a week to be there with everyone and to cover down when she was in school.
At one point in late 2020, she changed course and wanted to go to counseling. She had asked me to come back for practical reasons before that but I had ignored those requests like she had ignored mine. That was wrong of me. I regret not saying yes.
We went to counseling but it was not good counseling. We both agreed he was not really good for us. But we were trying to make it work. Then without warning, the place shut down and dispersed all the therapists.
She says she wanted to do the exercises in the book that was given to us, but I do not remember that happening. Perhaps I was too into my own issues to have heard her. She took it as blowing her off.
That was earlier this year in 2021. Now we get to the hard stuff.
In May of this year, I hit a really hard depression. I became suicidal, wanted my family back so badly for support but didn't think it was possible, and thought the only way to stop the pain was to end my life. I wrote my suicide note and was planning it out. Getting ready to find relief, it scared me so bad. Something in me clicked in me (God's influence) and I reversed hard and fast. I ended up getting the message that if I was ready to die for my family, then I had better be willing to live for them too. So I did. I started to try. I began coming to the house more. Helping more. I no longer stuck my face in my laptop until it was late then called it a night and left. I was present and doing better. I thought I saw signs of potential as well. So after a little bit, I asked her out on a date. She said no. We'd talk about houses and it sounded like I was included in the upcoming house buying and move. Then when I'd talk about doing things together she would seem to shut down and not look at me.
It all culminated in me sending her a couple therapy letters that expressed my desire to reconcile, to go to counseling, and to restore the marriage.
Three weeks later, in an email (she prefers email to talk about difficult things) she told me that it was over. That a part of her would love me because we have four kids together, but that she could not be in love with me again. That she noticed the effort but it was too little too late. She said there was not enough counseling in the world and there was too much hurt after being apart for 18 months to get over. She fast-tracked to put get a separation agreement together with a lawyer and to call the realtor to sell the house. She wanted both of us to live in separate houses in the same area.
I panicked emailed her three times that day. The next day she emailed back saying I am not listening. That she's started to move on and she needs me to do the same.
I then dug in and leaned on God harder. I called an age-old friend I had not really talked with much despite him constantly reaching out to me. He happens to know my wife and me since before she and I were married. I've known him since I was 6.
He ended up getting saved because he went to church with my wife and I about 17 years ago. Now he has a master's in theology. He prayed with me and has been there counseling me.
I ended up telling my wife that I did not want a divorce. That we are only separated but not divorced, and that I am to love my wife no matter what...so that is what I was going to do. I asked her to consider counseling and to consider letting me come home to maximize my time with the kids.
The next day, I wanted to answer a question she had: Why now?
I admitted, even though I didn't want to, that I had written my suicide note and almost went through with it. But that God snapped me back and impressed on me that message I shared earlier, that if I was willing to die for them, then I better be willing to live for them.
That night, she text me as I left the house asking what it would look like if I came home in a practical sense. I answered with a thought-out list.
Then she asked if I did not, where would I live, how would it change the list, and what my telework schedule looked like. I answered her in person this time.
Two days later she seemed off. I was on the phone with my friend on my way back from my house to the temp place I have stayed at for the majority of the 18 months. I told him I thought I saw an email she clicked out of on her laptop and by how she was acting all day, I was afraid it was for me. I was right. I pulled over to read the email that popped in on the drive while I was talking to him and read it.
In short, she had said yes to me coming back for practical reasons only, and she had not changed her mind about going through with the separation. That she was not in a place to do a 180 and just let the last 18 months go. She also said right now it was a yes to being there, but not a yes to working to reconciliation.
The next day I came back and talked to her about it in person. I acknowledged my failures, that I understood it was for practical reasons, and that she was not in a place to let anything go. I also told her when she gets to a place like that, that we do not let it go. Rather we start to talk about the issues and not sweep anything under the rug as she said at one point. I asked when I could come back and she said whenever. So the next day I was home.
Things have been friendly but she seems to be going forward with moving into a home herself without me. I am diligently serving and sticking to the list I gave her. I am in the word daily over and over. I pray and seek God constantly. However, I feel nothing is happening. In a few weeks, she wants to put the house up for sale and move before school starts in August. So I am feeling a time crunch along with everything else.
I know that it will take time and not to expect a fast change. What I am scared of is that she said she seems to be really good friends but still holding onto the barriers that are keeping us from moving anywhere. And she shows no signs of being perceptive to change or rebuilding not matter how much I pray to soften her heart and save this marriage. No matter how hard I work with acts of service and constantly search the Lord to guide me, and to work in her. I have given this marriage to him. He is the only one who can save us. But I am so lost because time is running low to get change in work so we can move together as a family and work to renew our marriage.
I do not know what to do. In a few weeks, this could become more solidified. I am scared to bring anything up because I do not want to push her away and ruin potential hope. I am trusting God yet feel stuck in a hopeless spot at the same time.
Today I was literally on my knees, face to the floor, begging the Lord for help. I read two devotionals today and both had the widow who persistently asked the ungodly careless judge for justice. He finally gave in because she kept asking. Then it says to think how much more willing the Lord is to answer and help because unlike the judge, he cares for us. So I took it as a message to persist in seeking him and keep doing acts of service for my family while I am under the same roof.
Yet I am afraid and hurting. She is such a nice person and we talk, laugh, eat dinner, etc. But still, no change in the rest.
I am asking for counsel, prayer, and thoughts on this because I want this separation to end, to avoid divorce, and I am feeling hopeless no matter how much I obey God now. I am thankful for the lessons and suffering to help me grow. I just pray that he hears me and grants this miracle to redeem our marriage, put himself at the center, and save us from divorce.

I've been married for 21 years, with 4 kids, many of which have had their troubles... I highly doubt that your wife truly wants to leave if you have 4 children together. I think if you're doing acts of service, it's just going to be a matter of time, for her to see that you’ve changed your ways. Just keep up the good work, bro.

...My best advice, however, is to continue a life of prayer. I'll pray for you personally so that your life becomes simpler. Maybe if I pray for you, God will have mercy on us both, because honestly, I've been a little selfish at times myself, and things aren't always easy in our marriage either.
 
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SCarneal

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I've been married for 21 years, with 4 kids, many of which have had their troubles... I highly doubt that your wife truly wants to leave if you have 4 children together. I think if you're doing acts of service, it's just going to be a matter of time, for her to see that you’ve changed your ways. Just keep up the good work, bro.

...My best advice, however, is to continue a life of prayer. I'll pray for you personally so that your life becomes simpler. Maybe if I pray for you, God will have mercy on us both, because honestly, I've been a little selfish at times myself, and things aren't always easy in our marriage either.
Thank you. It's late and while there is no identifiable change in her heart over this, God has been doing things of work in me. Some of it was rough. Either way, I'll need to get back on her to share.
I wish she didn't want to end it. I'm praying daily for the holy spirit to work in her to give her the strength and hope to give this another chance. God has been seriously faithful and somehow I'm still worried about the outcome. My fault Lord. Forgive me.
I'll pray with you too. Mercy on us both would be very welcomed.
 
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SCarneal

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Right now, I'm thinking that just living a simple life, is the best kind of life. For whatever it's worth.
I think you are right. I have been doing much less of my own and more of service to the family. I used to play video games, watch movies on my laptop, do hours of music production, or art, or video editing, or streaming music production on mixer and twitch.
Now I spend my time engaging in my family, doing yard work, cleaning, doing dishes, laundry, reading the Bible, praying, and generally being available for my kids and wife instead of living in my own world.
Her and I are good friends now. That was all she said we'd be was friends when she told me it was over. When she let me come home about a week and a half ago, it was for being with the kids and to help with this house until she moves. She said she hadn't changed her mind and right now was not in a place to reconcile.
Now I do not know what is in her mind. She keeps every feeling so close. She has quite the poker face.
Yesterday, two different places I received the same exact message to be still, wait, and let God work. One was from the Bible in a year podcast. The other was from a Bible devotional plan completely separate from the podcast. So here I am now... waiting. Not sure what I was doing other than service but I was dealt with by God in a spiritually heavy way that brought me to tears. She asked what happened after seeing I was crying. I told her how God had just dealt with me through the day leading up to a very pointed lesson that broke me. I told her about the prayers I had be writing. I let some, not all out, but I told her she didn't need to respond. It was just me letting her know what had happened. We haven't talked about that since (is been 2 days now). We do talk and we enjoy hanging out together, but we are stifled in connecting because she has her shields up still. I don't blame her.
But the day after that whole thing I'm then told to stop and wait on him... I'm anxious. But I take it the Lord is doing something I can't see the results of right now so I am stuck in a new lesson of trust and patience.
We shall see.

Prayed for you and another brother in here for us to heal us and guide us with our families.
I pray you are well.
 
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Brother, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family. I genuinely hope things will be reconciled in time, according to His will.


My wife and I are currently going through our own flavor of separation. We’ve been together for 17 years, married for 14 years. We have 6 children. I am ashamed to say I was a bit neglectful of some of her needs throughout the years. I had no idea I was hurting her and she was living with that pain/loneliness for so long.


For just over a month now we’ve been on the ‘outs’. Now that I see how my actions (lack of action) hurt her I am really beating myself up about it. I am also doing all that I can to make things right, but she isn’t too receptive to me right now. She’s pleasant some days, extremely distant on others. She has told me she currently is not in a place where she can entertain the thought of the pressures of being the wife, and that being a friend is the best she can do right now. Gosh, and I understand. It’s painful to hear, but I understand that the pain I caused her has pushed her to the point of closing her heart off to me. Some days she will chat with me and be super pleasant and even flirty. Others she has her music on, and will barely look me in the eye, and has a look on her face like it’s annoying her that I am around. It’s painful to endure that sort of rejection, but I remind myself to pray and lean on him for the strength to endure the rejection & the strength to genuinely love her through it.


Like you I am fully engaged in the household duties. I always was, but I am much more attentive now. Once I’m home from work it’s, “how can I help?” and I’m in there. I am doing anything I can go lighten her load once I am home. I am in prayer about the entire situation. I have completely laid it at His feet. There is nothing I can do but to love on her as much as she will let me. Every day is a challenge. Thankfully we are still under the same roof, sleeping in the same bed. But it is almost painful for me to be in the same bed with her because while she I right next to me she might as well be a million miles away. She (not every night) but she stays on her phone now, any time she has a free moment she is on IG. It’s as if she is filling any extra time that she would usually engage me with IG.


I am struggling with this because while I know I hurt her with my neglect, I didn’t realize hurt her so badly. I never intended to hurt her. I have always been engaged in the family, no questions asked. There were certain things she needed from me that I didn’t give her. Enduring this for so long pushed her away from me. But she is doing things, creating a barrier between her and I (protecting her heart from the one who hurt it), knowing it’s hurting me, and she seems to be okay with it. Then there was the blow of her telling me she was contemplating ending things while I was away (stationed in Korea), which means this has been on her mind for at least a year and 1/2. Yet she says she’s given me her all. I don’t know. It all messes with my head. I don’t even want to bring it up because I am not trying to add gasoline to our dumpster fire, so I endure it. I fall on my face in prayer, weeping over the entire situation, but He is right there carrying me through the pain. There is no way I could get through it apart from Him.


I had a point about 3 weekends ago where the pain was so unbearable that I almost took my own life. She left for her morning workout and I was in the bed alone. I went to our closet, and prayed, wept, & cried aloud to Him for strength, for healing, for ANYTHING! Oh brother, the pain!! I was broken, defeated. I still can not believe I almost took my own life. I definitely was not in my right mind. The only thing on my mind was stopping the unbearable pain. But it is as if He saw me at that lowest point and reached down and lifted me up. I reached out to a dear friend, we met him and his family at our old church. And he prayed with me/for me and the situation. He told me exactly what I needed to hear in that moment to talk me off the ledge.


Part of which was if I am truly and genuinely remorseful, if I am leaning on Christ for the strength to love her through the rejection and she still decides to walk, then the pain that comes after is her doing. The pain that the children will endure due to a separation will be on her head. I honestly am having trouble shifting anything on her though. I don’t like that thought of it, but I do get where he’s going with it. I’m having trouble letting myself off the hook, forgiving myself for hurting her. I know it wasn’t intentional, but I still hurt her. I listened to an “Abide” meditation today (get the app if you don’t have it!) and it was saying to lay all the pain at Christ’s feet. I almost feel guilty doing that. Not that I don’t trust Him to handle it, but I feel guilty doing anything that minimizes my suffering, if that makes sense. I feel like I don’t deserve any relief for my blunder of not fully cherishing my wife as I should have. I have stumbled upon many things that say “forgive yourself”, but that’s easier said than done. This is where I am now.


I am trying not to text her during the day. Trying to make sure I am in constant prayer about this and that I am present, pleasant and attentive once I am in the home. Just show up and love her as much as she lets me. And you’re right, nothing seems to be chipping away at her barriers. Anytime I do anything genuinely loving I occasionally get told that it angers her because after so long NOW I’m doing these things. But something you said hit me hard, the devotionals with the message to be still, wait, and let God work. Man, I teared up as I read it. I trust in Him fully, but the pain, guilt, & fear cloud my mind. And If I stay there that’s when the anger and bitterness creep in. It’s so bad that I get an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach when it comes time to leave work because I don’t know what mood she’ll be in once I get home. The ride home is pretty long, so I am using that time in constant prayer for strength to love her unconditionally through the pain and rejection, the same way He loves me through my failures, when I don’t deserve it.


Apart from Him I am lost. Leaning on Him is the only thing that gets me through it. Praying for her to be drawn to Him, to lay her pain at His feet so she can have true healing is always on my lips. The pain is hard & everything within me wants it to be lifted, yet I find myself asking for Him to continue breaking me down so I can be remade more closely to the man He’s always planned for me to be. Rejoicing in my brokenness.


God bless and protect you and yours friend.
 
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SCarneal

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Brother, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family. I genuinely hope things will be reconciled in time, according to His will.


My wife and I are currently going through our own flavor of separation. We’ve been together for 17 years, married for 14 years. We have 6 children. I am ashamed to say I was a bit neglectful of some of her needs throughout the years. I had no idea I was hurting her and she was living with that pain/loneliness for so long.


For just over a month now we’ve been on the ‘outs’. Now that I see how my actions (lack of action) hurt her I am really beating myself up about it. I am also doing all that I can to make things right, but she isn’t too receptive to me right now. She’s pleasant some days, extremely distant on others. She has told me she currently is not in a place where she can entertain the thought of the pressures of being the wife, and that being a friend is the best she can do right now. Gosh, and I understand. It’s painful to hear, but I understand that the pain I caused her has pushed her to the point of closing her heart off to me. Some days she will chat with me and be super pleasant and even flirty. Others she has her music on, and will barely look me in the eye, and has a look on her face like it’s annoying her that I am around. It’s painful to endure that sort of rejection, but I remind myself to pray and lean on him for the strength to endure the rejection & the strength to genuinely love her through it.


Like you I am fully engaged in the household duties. I always was, but I am much more attentive now. Once I’m home from work it’s, “how can I help?” and I’m in there. I am doing anything I can go lighten her load once I am home. I am in prayer about the entire situation. I have completely laid it at His feet. There is nothing I can do but to love on her as much as she will let me. Every day is a challenge. Thankfully we are still under the same roof, sleeping in the same bed. But it is almost painful for me to be in the same bed with her because while she I right next to me she might as well be a million miles away. She (not every night) but she stays on her phone now, any time she has a free moment she is on IG. It’s as if she is filling any extra time that she would usually engage me with IG.


I am struggling with this because while I know I hurt her with my neglect, I didn’t realize hurt her so badly. I never intended to hurt her. I have always been engaged in the family, no questions asked. There were certain things she needed from me that I didn’t give her. Enduring this for so long pushed her away from me. But she is doing things, creating a barrier between her and I (protecting her heart from the one who hurt it), knowing it’s hurting me, and she seems to be okay with it. Then there was the blow of her telling me she was contemplating ending things while I was away (stationed in Korea), which means this has been on her mind for at least a year and 1/2. Yet she says she’s given me her all. I don’t know. It all messes with my head. I don’t even want to bring it up because I am not trying to add gasoline to our dumpster fire, so I endure it. I fall on my face in prayer, weeping over the entire situation, but He is right there carrying me through the pain. There is no way I could get through it apart from Him.


I had a point about 3 weekends ago where the pain was so unbearable that I almost took my own life. She left for her morning workout and I was in the bed alone. I went to our closet, and prayed, wept, & cried aloud to Him for strength, for healing, for ANYTHING! Oh brother, the pain!! I was broken, defeated. I still can not believe I almost took my own life. I definitely was not in my right mind. The only thing on my mind was stopping the unbearable pain. But it is as if He saw me at that lowest point and reached down and lifted me up. I reached out to a dear friend, we met him and his family at our old church. And he prayed with me/for me and the situation. He told me exactly what I needed to hear in that moment to talk me off the ledge.


Part of which was if I am truly and genuinely remorseful, if I am leaning on Christ for the strength to love her through the rejection and she still decides to walk, then the pain that comes after is her doing. The pain that the children will endure due to a separation will be on her head. I honestly am having trouble shifting anything on her though. I don’t like that thought of it, but I do get where he’s going with it. I’m having trouble letting myself off the hook, forgiving myself for hurting her. I know it wasn’t intentional, but I still hurt her. I listened to an “Abide” meditation today (get the app if you don’t have it!) and it was saying to lay all the pain at Christ’s feet. I almost feel guilty doing that. Not that I don’t trust Him to handle it, but I feel guilty doing anything that minimizes my suffering, if that makes sense. I feel like I don’t deserve any relief for my blunder of not fully cherishing my wife as I should have. I have stumbled upon many things that say “forgive yourself”, but that’s easier said than done. This is where I am now.


I am trying not to text her during the day. Trying to make sure I am in constant prayer about this and that I am present, pleasant and attentive once I am in the home. Just show up and love her as much as she lets me. And you’re right, nothing seems to be chipping away at her barriers. Anytime I do anything genuinely loving I occasionally get told that it angers her because after so long NOW I’m doing these things. But something you said hit me hard, the devotionals with the message to be still, wait, and let God work. Man, I teared up as I read it. I trust in Him fully, but the pain, guilt, & fear cloud my mind. And If I stay there that’s when the anger and bitterness creep in. It’s so bad that I get an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach when it comes time to leave work because I don’t know what mood she’ll be in once I get home. The ride home is pretty long, so I am using that time in constant prayer for strength to love her unconditionally through the pain and rejection, the same way He loves me through my failures, when I don’t deserve it.


Apart from Him I am lost. Leaning on Him is the only thing that gets me through it. Praying for her to be drawn to Him, to lay her pain at His feet so she can have true healing is always on my lips. The pain is hard & everything within me wants it to be lifted, yet I find myself asking for Him to continue breaking me down so I can be remade more closely to the man He’s always planned for me to be. Rejoicing in my brokenness.


God bless and protect you and yours friend.

Brother I didn't forget about you. I had this very engaged reply and hit post. Then it asked me to login even though I was and gave an error... then it was all gone. Lol. I guess what I was saying wasn't meant to be posted right now.
But I will say that you and I have some similarities going on, and I'm right there with you in the pain and struggles.
Today was a set back for me and I've been seeking God, but he is so silent right now. I'm waiting and being still for him to work but I didn't know that would include feeling so separate today and alone. I can't feel, hear it see him in any way other than reading the word. My prayers feel like they're not heard today. I know I'm wrong but the anxiety nearing despair is wearing me down. I keep thinking I need an answer because I don't know how much longer I can take this. Living in uncertainty with the faith the Lord will prevail in this marriage but being put on hold...it hurts to watch nothing happen. At least nothing I can see for sure. Something I think are good news but then other little things make me doubt. And I feel guilty for doubting the Lord's will and work.
Please God end this struggle for both of us. Take the pain away and replace it with hope. Keep us close to you and answer our prayers. You told us to give you our desires and Lord we have. We are asking for you to redeem our marriages and transform them into something so much more than we thought possible. These marriages are yours Lord. Save them and help us trust your will, and your timing. Amen.
Ok. I need to get that long post redone but I wanted to reply to your amazing response. Thank you for that! I'm praying for us. Talk soon.
 
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@SCarneal - I can tell you, from sitting on the other side of the fence, it takes more than a couple of weeks or even a couple of months to undo the damage you've done. It takes long term, sustained change to get through to her. I think it took about a year before I was willing to really reconcile. Little did I know at that time that we'd only have about 4 years together left (he died in 2019). Don't push her. She's been hurt by you. Us women don't forget or forgive that quickly or easily. She's essentially treating you the way you've treated her...it doesn't feel good, does it? Now, realize that she's been feeling mistreated for a long time. I highly recommend finding a Celebrate Recovery group near you. Going through the 12 step study will show you so much about yourself and you will learn so much about forgiveness and reconciliation. It is the thing that saved my marriage at the time. We managed to make it to "until death do us part".
 
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SCarneal

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@SCarneal - I can tell you, from sitting on the other side of the fence, it takes more than a couple of weeks or even a couple of months to undo the damage you've done. It takes long term, sustained change to get through to her. I think it took about a year before I was willing to really reconcile. Little did I know at that time that we'd only have about 4 years together left (he died in 2019). Don't push her. She's been hurt by you. Us women don't forget or forgive that quickly or easily. She's essentially treating you the way you've treated her...it doesn't feel good, does it? Now, realize that she's been feeling mistreated for a long time. I highly recommend finding a Celebrate Recovery group near you. Going through the 12 step study will show you so much about yourself and you will learn so much about forgiveness and reconciliation. It is the thing that saved my marriage at the time. We managed to make it to "until death do us part".

Enilorac,
I appreciate you taking your time to response and bringing a perspective from the other side. I am happy and sad for you all at the same time. You were able to reconcile and spend the rest of the time together which is why I am happy. His passing is, of course, why I feel for you.
Now since cold context makes it hard to know how the other person is talking and our feelings can color the words we read, I want to say I am saying this all in a way that accepts your point of view and in a normal conversation tone with no defensive tone intended.
I do understand that it takes time much better than it may seem. One thing that I would offer in reply is that this entire scenario if far from clear to anyone here even if you are from the other side. I have omitted a lot of details. So when you say that she is treating me the way I treated her, that is not accurate because what she is doing is not the same. Nor would it be a good thing to repay the other person, because if actions of one breaks the marriage, how is taking revenge and treating the other person the same way back going to do anything but break it more?
I do not put any of the things that I could that would show my side of things and why what happened happened. Why? Because why do that now? I cannot change her side of it any more than I can change mine. By putting how I perceived things from my side would serve no purpose because she was never the cause. She was not at fault. No matter how much I can point at things and show people the logic from my point of view because it is very compelling, it is not from God. God does not do that. The enemy uses partial truths with twisted lies to distort and hurt and blame. I am not a slave to that mentality anymore. That was the old me, and he is gone. My wife never should have had to deal with what she did, and it is all my fault, but that fault is so complicated that some may take my side of things which I do not agree with because I was still the cause of all this. Since I cannot change the past, or her, I have given it all to the Lord to handle since I cannot do it the right way. What he does with us is up to him. His will, not mine.

I pray to God for my fulfillment and happiness now. You said you women do not forgive or forget easily, which is an overall human condition. I do not put my faith and hope in my wife for that reason. I put it in the Lord who does forgive and who is not human like my wife. She has faults like anyone else. I just choose to accept it all now unlike before because that is what true love does, and what God does. I am not looking for reconciliation today. Or next week. I am praying for his will to bring her to the point she is ready to work towards reconciliation. I told her at one point that I know it takes time and that she has nothing to change, and that I have a lot to answer for. If God shows her things to change, that is between her and him.
I was told to wait. Let him do his thing. So I am. I am not pressing or pushing for anything. It is hard to do nothing towards what it is you want so badly, but it is my faith in him that keeps me from losing hope. I have gotten no answer to my prayer about revealing his will through her opening up the conversation. If I did it now, that would not be waiting like I was told to do. So I continue to do the things, as she said, that I should have been doing all along.

I have not heard of that Celebrate Recovery thing before. I will look into that. I assume it is for both people? If so I am still out of luck there lol. She has not expressed interest that I can tell for going to counseling or anything similar yet. Either way, thank you for pointed me to that.
I pray that the Lord blesses you simply for the fact that you took the time and effort to bring a well needed view. Thank you.

Shane
 
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Enilorac

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@SCarneal Celebrate recovery is for anyone with hurts, hang ups and habits. MOST of CR participants are not dealing with addiction issues but emotional issues such as trauma. lousy upbringing, depression, etc. He and I went through the step study and were active in the ministry. I have recently returned to CR and just finished another step study, this time because my life was utterly upside down.
You do not need to bring your spouse to CR the idea is that CR is for YOU, not your spouse, not your kids, not your parents. It is for YOU to do the work you need to do to get your head screwed on straight and realize that w/o the Lord, there's no way out of the mess. Google Celebrate Recovery, there is also a search function to find the nearest to you. If you have trouble getting connected, please feel free to PM me and I'll see what I can do through ministry leadership here where I am.
 
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SCarneal

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@SCarneal Celebrate recovery is for anyone with hurts, hang ups and habits. MOST of CR participants are not dealing with addiction issues but emotional issues such as trauma. lousy upbringing, depression, etc. He and I went through the step study and were active in the ministry. I have recently returned to CR and just finished another step study, this time because my life was utterly upside down.
You do not need to bring your spouse to CR the idea is that CR is for YOU, not your spouse, not your kids, not your parents. It is for YOU to do the work you need to do to get your head screwed on straight and realize that w/o the Lord, there's no way out of the mess. Google Celebrate Recovery, there is also a search function to find the nearest to you. If you have trouble getting connected, please feel free to PM me and I'll see what I can do through ministry leadership here where I am.

Thank you very much. You know, I'd like to kinda pick your brain a little. I mean, you've been on the other side. There's stuff I omitted that is sensitive but I kind of would like your opinion and insight. Plus you give it straight, not sugar coated. That's truth I need in my life and maybe God can use that to speak to me.
 
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