- Oct 21, 2009
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Recently, I was privileged to be asked to be the speaker at a Christian women's conference in the Atlanta area where I was to give my testimony.
Here is the script of my testimony:
There are all kinds of things that happen to people that hurt them, and I have a saying that, regardless of how you got your pain, pain is pain.
I want you to get this: If youre hurting, God desperately wants to comfort you, heal you, and make you whole.
Some things in my testimony are difficult to share, and some will be hard for you to hear. But for some of you, I'm telling your story.
The sexual molestation began when I was seven years old by a male family member. I never told anyone because one, I was deeply ashamed and two, I adored this person and didn't want to see him get into trouble because of me.
As a child, I was expected to be perfect and still not exist. According to my abusers, my existence was the reason for all their problems. At 9 years of age, I did all the laundry for a family of five; wash all the dishes; mopped the floors and cleaned the bathrooms.
I was repeatedly told that I was no good, worthless, useless, a liar, and a harlot and that I should have never been born.
What an incredibly powerful statement. What an enormous lie. And because the grown-up believed it, I believed it.
I look back at moments like that now and feel sorry not for myself but for the grown-ups who could only see pain, anger and rage, and somehow believed it was my fault.
I was often brought to my knees by physical blows to my head, thrown across rooms, whipped with belts.
Once I woke up in the middle of the night being dragged out of my bed by my hair, down a flight of stairs and thrown into the kitchen floor because I had done a poor job washing the dishes that day.
My head was beaten into walls, and I lived in constant fear.
However, there was one place I did feel safe, and that was at my Pawpaw's. He lived in Louisiana, and sometimes I was allowed to spend a couple of weeks with him in the Summer. He was precious to me. When I was at Pawpaw's, I could drink all the cokes I wanted and watch TV all I wanted, and no one ever yelled at me or hit me; that is until I was 11 years old.
I went to Pawpaws house for the summer where I had my own little bedroom. One day I was brushing my hair in front of the mirror in my room, and Pawpaw asked if I wanted a coke. I thought that was sweet, so I said yes, and he walked in and set it on the dresser. I looked up at him and smiled, and he bent down; I thought to give me a hug or something. Instead, he sexually assaulted me. He hurt me in so many ways.
There are no words... Shock, pain, despair... dont begin to describe what happened to me.
When he was finished he stood up, looked down and smiled like nothing had happened. For some insane reason I smiled back. Then he left the room.
When my parents found out, they gave me 15 minutes to cry; told me it was all over and to never cry about it again, then they hushed it up.
I wasn't the first girl in my family he had done this to, but I had never known it. Others knew, and still I was allowed to be alone with him.
I am so grateful that Gods Word says in Isaiah 61:6-7 But you shall be called the priests of the Lord; people will speak of you as the ministers of our God. You shall eat the wealth of the nations, and the glory [once that of your captors] shall be yours. Instead of your [former] shame you shall have a twofold recompense; instead of dishonor and reproach you shall rejoice in your portion. You shall possess double and everlasting joy shall be yours.
At school, I never fit in. I wasn't allowed to participate in after-school activities, school dances, ballgames, or play sports.
I dont remember ever not being afraid. Even on good days, the atmosphere in our home was super-charged with fear.
You see, Satan wants us to keep everything hidden. Because as long as it is hidden in you, youll never be free from it. So those things hidden in you things you are ashamed of; if you've never talked about them, start NOW by talking to God and to yourself openly and honestly. You have to get it out to get over it.
There was never any stability in my home. The slightest provocation could cause ranting and rages and beatings. I was quick to apologize for everything whether I was guilty or not, and by the time I was 14 I took an overdose and spent 6 weeks in the UAB adolescent psychiatric ward.
By the age of 17, I had changed schools 9 times; add that to the years of abuse, and I had had enough; so I quit school, left home, took on two jobs, and got my own apartment.
But I had no one to help me and no friends, and because I was naive, I walked alone down a street near my apartment, and was kidnapped by two men at gunpoint and raped until the next morning when I was driven back out to a road I knew and put out of the truck and walked home. I told no one about that rape for many years because of course, I felt it was my fault. You see, I was conditioned all my life to please the other person; say what they wanted to hear and do whatever pleased them. So I was able to act and speak in such a way that my captors believed I would never tell anyone, and so the let me go.
After the rape I started looking for a man to love me and protect me. But I had no idea what real love was, and at 19 I was married to an abusive drunk who broke my nose twice, choked me until I passed out, slept around on me and raped me when I said no.
Then at 21 I had my son, Jonathan, and I decided there was no way I was going to raise my son in that kind of environment, so I packed up my things and the baby and left. I tried to go home, but it was no good there, so I had to find some other way to survive. During my abusive marriage, I had lost my jobs and had become so beaten down, that I believed I could do nothing right, and back then men could get away without paying child support.
So, I did the only thing I knew that would pay rent, feed my child, pay my utilities, pay for daycare and pay for a used car. I became a prostitute, and I prostituted myself for 2 + years before I was finally arrested and convicted.
I hit bottom with nowhere to look but up. So I looked up, and Jesus was there in a little church I found Him with outstretched arms; nail-scarred hands; love in his eyes; no stones to throw; just mercy and pity and grace and forgiveness. I was saved!
For the first time I knew what love was. It was supernatural.
How is it possible for me to be talking to you without God having done this? How is that possible?
The biggest black eye we can give the devil is to give God our pain and let him turn it into gain; to give God our mess and let it become His message.
You see when I tell you that I know what its like to suffer, you believe me. And when I tell you that today I am healed and whole and well and sanctified, you believe me. I am a woman of integrity. I am a ruby of great price, and I am His very own.
So I started going to this little church and got baptized and become a member and decided to forget all about men entirely and just make Jesus my husband. I made Him the lover of my soul, and He became the best friend I could ever have hoped for.
I spent time every single night literally on my face worshiping him. I spent hours and hours reading his Word and praying. I taught bible stories to my son Jonathan, and did everything in my power to make that little boy feel special and needed and wanted and loved.
With Christ by my side, I was able to eventually get my GED and then go on to a community college where I graduated Valedictorian with a 4.0 GPA, and soon after, I was teaching classes at the community college.
Jeremiah 30:17 says, For I will restore health to you, and your wounds I will heal, declares the Lord, because they have called you an outcast
Matthew 6:33 says, But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
And my favorite Scripture that God gave to me during that time was Isaiah 54. And in it, it says,
Dont be afraid, for you will not be put to shame! Dont be intimidated, for you will not be humiliated! You will forget about the shame you experienced in your youth; you will no longer remember the disgrace of your abandonment.
5 For your husband is the one who made you
the Lord who commands armies is his name.
He is your protector, the Holy One of Israel.
He is called God of the entire earth.
6 Indeed, the Lord will call you back
like a wife who has been abandoned and suffers from depression,
like a young wife when she has been rejected, says your God.
9 As far as I am concerned, this is like in Noahs time,
when I vowed that the waters of Noahs flood would never again cover the earth.
In the same way I have vowed that I will not be angry at you or shout at you.
10 Even if the mountains are removed and the hills displaced,
my devotion will not be removed from you,
nor will my covenant of friendship be displaced,
says the Lord, the one who has compassion on you.
14 You will be reestablished when I vindicate you.
You will not experience oppression; indeed, you will not be afraid. You will not be terrified, for nothing frightening will come near you.
15 If anyone dares to challenge you, it will not be my doing!
Whoever tries to challenge you will be defeated.
16 Look, I create the craftsman, who fans the coals into a fire
and forges a weapon. I create the destroyer so he might devastate.
17 BUT No weapon forged to be used against you will succeed;
you will refute everyone who tries to accuse you.
This is what the Lord will do for his servants
I will vindicate them,
says the Lord.
And so He truly was my Husband and my Best Friend. And after 2 years of living with my new husband named Jesus, He gave me an awesome supernatural gift. He sent a man named Rowland to my house.
It was the first time Rowland and I had ever met face to face. And while we were sitting in the living room talking, God told Rowland (quietly in his heart), This is your wife. Row says that his internal dialogue was such that he answered God, "Oh no she isn't." But God kept telling him, "Yes, this is your wife." I had no idea God had spoke to Rowland about me, and two days later, I was driving home from church, alone in my car, and God told me, That man Rowland is your husband. So... that evening was the third time Row and I had met face to face; we hadnt even been out on a date, and Rowland said, The Holy Spirit told me about you. His face turned blood red, and he said, Melody, God said you are going to be my wife. Without blinking an eye, I said, Yea, I know; He told me the same thing.
We were married 4 months later and today I can say I have an awesome marriage of 20 years, and I know I have become a value to the kingdom of God.
Let that give you hope. Let that give you hope that God will do it for you too.
I just want you to know how good God is and that the struggle is worth it. Your journey is worth it. Dont give up. Dont give up!
1 Corinthians 13:7 says, Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
God says, Im not asking you to trust men or women; Im asking you to trust Me with them.
Keeping secrets that shame you keeps you in a prison and there is such a release when you can finally share. When you have no one you can trust, trust God. Speak openly and with frankness to Him. You can trust Him to listen without judging you; and to help you through. And you can trust Him to send others you can trust. Maybe someone extraordinary will come into your life like Rowland came into mine.
Im here to tell you that anyone whos been abused can fully recover. I have a walk with god and a relationship with God that is the most wonderful and precious thing.
Psalm 27:10 says, Even if your mother and father forsake you, I will take you up and adopt you and I will make you my own child.
Now heres the difficult part. You have to forgive everyone thats hurt you. And its easier to forgive people when you understand that something is messed up in them. It came from somewhere the abuse it was familiar to them before you were born.
Im happy to say that God gave me the grace to 100% forgive those who hurt and abused me. It took some time; it took 20 years before I was completely set free from the pain that my Pawpaw caused me; but I forgave him. I was able to do it, and you are able to do it.
Now I am in the process of moving my abusers, who are elderly and in ill health, here to my home town where I intend to do all I can to take care of them until they die. God told me to do that, and by the grace of God Im going to see it through as best I can to the end. .. with dignity and in treating them with respect. Im doing this because it is right; but most of all because my best friend hung on a cross and said, Father, forgive Melody, for she knows not what she is doing.
God never tells us to do anything if it is not going to work out for our good.
Romans 8:28 says, All things work together for good for them that love the Lord and are called according to his purpose.
One of the beautiful things about God about a relationship with God is that He is the god of all comfort.
The important thing is to renew your mind. Whatever God wants to do with you you have to start thinking differently.
Romans 12:2 says Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed (changed) by the [entire] renewal of your mind, so that you may prove [for yourselves] what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God, even the thing which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His sight for you].
You must spend time in the Word and time with God it isnt so important what you do or say but just give God the time. If all you do is sit in a room and say, God I need you, its valuable because we honor God with that time with him.
As you study the Word and spend time with God, little by little, glory to glory, gradually all those bad feelings will go away.
In the process of healing; and it is a process, God will bring you to the point of totally forgiving the people that hurt you.
It may sound impossible, it may sound ridiculous, it may sound unfair, but the bottom line is you start out by making a decision. Begin to pray for the people that have hurt you. Dont try to get back at them you put them in Gods hands.
Do what Jesus did on the cross, Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.
Psalms 27:10 - When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.
Here is the script of my testimony:
There are all kinds of things that happen to people that hurt them, and I have a saying that, regardless of how you got your pain, pain is pain.
I want you to get this: If youre hurting, God desperately wants to comfort you, heal you, and make you whole.
Some things in my testimony are difficult to share, and some will be hard for you to hear. But for some of you, I'm telling your story.
The sexual molestation began when I was seven years old by a male family member. I never told anyone because one, I was deeply ashamed and two, I adored this person and didn't want to see him get into trouble because of me.
As a child, I was expected to be perfect and still not exist. According to my abusers, my existence was the reason for all their problems. At 9 years of age, I did all the laundry for a family of five; wash all the dishes; mopped the floors and cleaned the bathrooms.
I was repeatedly told that I was no good, worthless, useless, a liar, and a harlot and that I should have never been born.
What an incredibly powerful statement. What an enormous lie. And because the grown-up believed it, I believed it.
I look back at moments like that now and feel sorry not for myself but for the grown-ups who could only see pain, anger and rage, and somehow believed it was my fault.
I was often brought to my knees by physical blows to my head, thrown across rooms, whipped with belts.
Once I woke up in the middle of the night being dragged out of my bed by my hair, down a flight of stairs and thrown into the kitchen floor because I had done a poor job washing the dishes that day.
My head was beaten into walls, and I lived in constant fear.
However, there was one place I did feel safe, and that was at my Pawpaw's. He lived in Louisiana, and sometimes I was allowed to spend a couple of weeks with him in the Summer. He was precious to me. When I was at Pawpaw's, I could drink all the cokes I wanted and watch TV all I wanted, and no one ever yelled at me or hit me; that is until I was 11 years old.
I went to Pawpaws house for the summer where I had my own little bedroom. One day I was brushing my hair in front of the mirror in my room, and Pawpaw asked if I wanted a coke. I thought that was sweet, so I said yes, and he walked in and set it on the dresser. I looked up at him and smiled, and he bent down; I thought to give me a hug or something. Instead, he sexually assaulted me. He hurt me in so many ways.
There are no words... Shock, pain, despair... dont begin to describe what happened to me.
When he was finished he stood up, looked down and smiled like nothing had happened. For some insane reason I smiled back. Then he left the room.
When my parents found out, they gave me 15 minutes to cry; told me it was all over and to never cry about it again, then they hushed it up.
I wasn't the first girl in my family he had done this to, but I had never known it. Others knew, and still I was allowed to be alone with him.
I am so grateful that Gods Word says in Isaiah 61:6-7 But you shall be called the priests of the Lord; people will speak of you as the ministers of our God. You shall eat the wealth of the nations, and the glory [once that of your captors] shall be yours. Instead of your [former] shame you shall have a twofold recompense; instead of dishonor and reproach you shall rejoice in your portion. You shall possess double and everlasting joy shall be yours.
At school, I never fit in. I wasn't allowed to participate in after-school activities, school dances, ballgames, or play sports.
I dont remember ever not being afraid. Even on good days, the atmosphere in our home was super-charged with fear.
You see, Satan wants us to keep everything hidden. Because as long as it is hidden in you, youll never be free from it. So those things hidden in you things you are ashamed of; if you've never talked about them, start NOW by talking to God and to yourself openly and honestly. You have to get it out to get over it.
There was never any stability in my home. The slightest provocation could cause ranting and rages and beatings. I was quick to apologize for everything whether I was guilty or not, and by the time I was 14 I took an overdose and spent 6 weeks in the UAB adolescent psychiatric ward.
By the age of 17, I had changed schools 9 times; add that to the years of abuse, and I had had enough; so I quit school, left home, took on two jobs, and got my own apartment.
But I had no one to help me and no friends, and because I was naive, I walked alone down a street near my apartment, and was kidnapped by two men at gunpoint and raped until the next morning when I was driven back out to a road I knew and put out of the truck and walked home. I told no one about that rape for many years because of course, I felt it was my fault. You see, I was conditioned all my life to please the other person; say what they wanted to hear and do whatever pleased them. So I was able to act and speak in such a way that my captors believed I would never tell anyone, and so the let me go.
After the rape I started looking for a man to love me and protect me. But I had no idea what real love was, and at 19 I was married to an abusive drunk who broke my nose twice, choked me until I passed out, slept around on me and raped me when I said no.
Then at 21 I had my son, Jonathan, and I decided there was no way I was going to raise my son in that kind of environment, so I packed up my things and the baby and left. I tried to go home, but it was no good there, so I had to find some other way to survive. During my abusive marriage, I had lost my jobs and had become so beaten down, that I believed I could do nothing right, and back then men could get away without paying child support.
So, I did the only thing I knew that would pay rent, feed my child, pay my utilities, pay for daycare and pay for a used car. I became a prostitute, and I prostituted myself for 2 + years before I was finally arrested and convicted.
I hit bottom with nowhere to look but up. So I looked up, and Jesus was there in a little church I found Him with outstretched arms; nail-scarred hands; love in his eyes; no stones to throw; just mercy and pity and grace and forgiveness. I was saved!
For the first time I knew what love was. It was supernatural.
How is it possible for me to be talking to you without God having done this? How is that possible?
The biggest black eye we can give the devil is to give God our pain and let him turn it into gain; to give God our mess and let it become His message.
You see when I tell you that I know what its like to suffer, you believe me. And when I tell you that today I am healed and whole and well and sanctified, you believe me. I am a woman of integrity. I am a ruby of great price, and I am His very own.
So I started going to this little church and got baptized and become a member and decided to forget all about men entirely and just make Jesus my husband. I made Him the lover of my soul, and He became the best friend I could ever have hoped for.
I spent time every single night literally on my face worshiping him. I spent hours and hours reading his Word and praying. I taught bible stories to my son Jonathan, and did everything in my power to make that little boy feel special and needed and wanted and loved.
With Christ by my side, I was able to eventually get my GED and then go on to a community college where I graduated Valedictorian with a 4.0 GPA, and soon after, I was teaching classes at the community college.
Jeremiah 30:17 says, For I will restore health to you, and your wounds I will heal, declares the Lord, because they have called you an outcast
Matthew 6:33 says, But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
And my favorite Scripture that God gave to me during that time was Isaiah 54. And in it, it says,
Dont be afraid, for you will not be put to shame! Dont be intimidated, for you will not be humiliated! You will forget about the shame you experienced in your youth; you will no longer remember the disgrace of your abandonment.
5 For your husband is the one who made you
the Lord who commands armies is his name.
He is your protector, the Holy One of Israel.
He is called God of the entire earth.
6 Indeed, the Lord will call you back
like a wife who has been abandoned and suffers from depression,
like a young wife when she has been rejected, says your God.
9 As far as I am concerned, this is like in Noahs time,
when I vowed that the waters of Noahs flood would never again cover the earth.
In the same way I have vowed that I will not be angry at you or shout at you.
10 Even if the mountains are removed and the hills displaced,
my devotion will not be removed from you,
nor will my covenant of friendship be displaced,
says the Lord, the one who has compassion on you.
14 You will be reestablished when I vindicate you.
You will not experience oppression; indeed, you will not be afraid. You will not be terrified, for nothing frightening will come near you.
15 If anyone dares to challenge you, it will not be my doing!
Whoever tries to challenge you will be defeated.
16 Look, I create the craftsman, who fans the coals into a fire
and forges a weapon. I create the destroyer so he might devastate.
17 BUT No weapon forged to be used against you will succeed;
you will refute everyone who tries to accuse you.
This is what the Lord will do for his servants
I will vindicate them,
says the Lord.
And so He truly was my Husband and my Best Friend. And after 2 years of living with my new husband named Jesus, He gave me an awesome supernatural gift. He sent a man named Rowland to my house.
It was the first time Rowland and I had ever met face to face. And while we were sitting in the living room talking, God told Rowland (quietly in his heart), This is your wife. Row says that his internal dialogue was such that he answered God, "Oh no she isn't." But God kept telling him, "Yes, this is your wife." I had no idea God had spoke to Rowland about me, and two days later, I was driving home from church, alone in my car, and God told me, That man Rowland is your husband. So... that evening was the third time Row and I had met face to face; we hadnt even been out on a date, and Rowland said, The Holy Spirit told me about you. His face turned blood red, and he said, Melody, God said you are going to be my wife. Without blinking an eye, I said, Yea, I know; He told me the same thing.
We were married 4 months later and today I can say I have an awesome marriage of 20 years, and I know I have become a value to the kingdom of God.
Let that give you hope. Let that give you hope that God will do it for you too.
I just want you to know how good God is and that the struggle is worth it. Your journey is worth it. Dont give up. Dont give up!
1 Corinthians 13:7 says, Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
God says, Im not asking you to trust men or women; Im asking you to trust Me with them.
Keeping secrets that shame you keeps you in a prison and there is such a release when you can finally share. When you have no one you can trust, trust God. Speak openly and with frankness to Him. You can trust Him to listen without judging you; and to help you through. And you can trust Him to send others you can trust. Maybe someone extraordinary will come into your life like Rowland came into mine.
Im here to tell you that anyone whos been abused can fully recover. I have a walk with god and a relationship with God that is the most wonderful and precious thing.
Psalm 27:10 says, Even if your mother and father forsake you, I will take you up and adopt you and I will make you my own child.
Now heres the difficult part. You have to forgive everyone thats hurt you. And its easier to forgive people when you understand that something is messed up in them. It came from somewhere the abuse it was familiar to them before you were born.
Im happy to say that God gave me the grace to 100% forgive those who hurt and abused me. It took some time; it took 20 years before I was completely set free from the pain that my Pawpaw caused me; but I forgave him. I was able to do it, and you are able to do it.
Now I am in the process of moving my abusers, who are elderly and in ill health, here to my home town where I intend to do all I can to take care of them until they die. God told me to do that, and by the grace of God Im going to see it through as best I can to the end. .. with dignity and in treating them with respect. Im doing this because it is right; but most of all because my best friend hung on a cross and said, Father, forgive Melody, for she knows not what she is doing.
God never tells us to do anything if it is not going to work out for our good.
Romans 8:28 says, All things work together for good for them that love the Lord and are called according to his purpose.
One of the beautiful things about God about a relationship with God is that He is the god of all comfort.
The important thing is to renew your mind. Whatever God wants to do with you you have to start thinking differently.
Romans 12:2 says Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed (changed) by the [entire] renewal of your mind, so that you may prove [for yourselves] what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God, even the thing which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His sight for you].
You must spend time in the Word and time with God it isnt so important what you do or say but just give God the time. If all you do is sit in a room and say, God I need you, its valuable because we honor God with that time with him.
As you study the Word and spend time with God, little by little, glory to glory, gradually all those bad feelings will go away.
In the process of healing; and it is a process, God will bring you to the point of totally forgiving the people that hurt you.
It may sound impossible, it may sound ridiculous, it may sound unfair, but the bottom line is you start out by making a decision. Begin to pray for the people that have hurt you. Dont try to get back at them you put them in Gods hands.
Do what Jesus did on the cross, Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.
Psalms 27:10 - When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.
