Lee_Lee,
I'm am going through the same struggle at the moment- every fibre of my being tells me that I am a lesbian- but being gay is against the bible so for me it is very much a 'be alone the rest of my life' or 'go to hell' thing - as you can tell I loose either way.
hmmmmmm...........I get the whole concept of 'gay christian' - having those feelings but not acting on them- alls Im saying is it is a bloody hard choice.......
don't know if any striaght person could get it.
First of all, let me make it clear that I am not a straight person who doesn't get it. Emotional abuse has left me with a very damaged outlook on love. About a year and a half ago, I had no way of differentiating between love and abuse and therefore wanted no part of love - not God's, not man's. I shut myself off from it, not seeking it, not craving it, thinking it would *hurt*. At close to nineteen I've still never experienced the desire for a relationship.
However, I'm not somehow above this whole sex business - I am still a hormonal being the same as everybody else. I was, for a time, very much attracted to members of my own gender, as well as mascochistic desires and perversions that arose from my view that sex and love were somehow separate things.
But I knew this wasn't the direction I wanted my life to take. This may sound bizarre, but I made my moral vow when I was 10, and having stuck with it this far I've no intention of changing it. One part of it was that I didn't want to have sex with anybody outside of a marraige - lusting after other guys was not the way I nor God intended it to be.
So I made a commitment that I would allow Him to work on my heart. I took on celibacy, with the intention that either I would stick with it for life, or He would change me to enable me a healthy experience of love. I left it up to Him, and He honoured that - He has been healing my heart ever since then.
Now, I have finally accepted God's love for me, after a long, long struggle. I can accept the non-sexual love of my brothers in Christ; and the lust and desire for unhealthy relationships is gone. He is beginning to build the desire in me for a healthy marraige as well... there's a long, long way to go there, but His promise is that I will one day be free of this.
Our society does a wonderful job of perpetuating the myth that sexuality is a central part of our identity and our relationship with God that simply cannot be lived without, or changed. This is complete and utter nonsense -- convincing nonsense, true, but no more valid for it. You have worth as you are, you are loved by Jesus as you are and acceptable to God because of His sacrifice. Living without human sexual relationships *can* be done - Jesus' love is satisfying, and He gives unto us much greater rewards than that which we gave up for Him in the first place. Sexual orientation *can* change, if you want it to. And to suffer loneliness on the Earth to gain closeness to our Heavenly Father for eternity... that's not something I call a loss.
