I want children and he doesn't

[tacx]

I am engaged to a man whom I am totally and completely in love with. He does so much for me, he is strong for me and he supports me and he loves me, he is so strong in God and he inspires me. I love him so much.

Like any other couple, we do have our struggles and our arguments, but they're always resolved the same day and never last long... Except for one thing.

I want children so badly and he doesn't. We had a long talk about it one night before he asked me to marry him, because it is a serious part of our future, and ultimately in the end he told me he was afraid of being a dad but he knew how important a family was to me, and I am important to him and he wanted to give me a family in our life together.

Now that we're engaged, the venue is booked and the dress is bought... He just says he doesn't want for us to have children and he cannot see his life as being happy with them.

I have so many emotions right now. I am angry. I feel deceived. I mourn over the child I haven't had the chance to even have yet. I spend time with my two nieces, go home and lock myself in the computer room looking at their pictures and just cry when he's at work.

What do I do?!? Does anybody have any guidance?!? I've seen marriages fall apart because of this problem. I love him, I see my life with no one else, but I see our children - both born from myself and born from my heart (adopted) - in our life together. I want to have our family. I thought we we working towards that eventually as a part of our lives, but apparently I was wrong and I almost feel like I was lied to, as if I was cheated in some way.

Help? Anybody??

Prayers please as well.

 

[AnonUser2013]

Honestly, it can and does tear people apart. You're fortunate that you are not yet married so hopefully you two can resolve this issue BEFORE you tie the knot, not after. But if it cant be resolved, I honestly wouldnt give up your dream of having children because you may always resent your [then] husband preventing that dream from coming true. It's not a bad dream, it's good and healthy and natural to desire children whether biologically or via adoption.

 

[Lilly Owl]

I agree with AnonUser2013.

I'll add that perhaps what you are deeply in love with is the idea of him. When this issue of children is the love of your life and he wants nothing to do with it, perhaps you should take a deep and personal inventory of what you are willing to compromise to be with this one man.

If he's that one God sent to you would he be so opposed to that what you desire so deeply in matters of children and a family?

Take this seriously. What you're feeling and how emotional it is for you. Because if you get married to this man ideally it is for the rest of your life.

So asking yourself, even visualizing it while compounding the emotions you're feeling about this deeply emotional rift between the visual you and your fiance' have about the future as a married couple in matters of children, can you live till the day you die without children in your relationship?
And if you 'happened' to get pregnant, thinking once he see's the child he'll change his mind, could you deal with what would transpire in the event he remains steadfast and opposed? How would that feel? What would the child feel? Especially when you have nine months to feel it yourself in your then husbands presence as you carry in you what he did not want! As he informed you prior to the marriage.

I know a woman who did that very thing. She said to me in confidence after she got pregnant when her husband was adamantly opposed and told her that prior to the marriage; once he see's himself in our child he'll change his mind.
Oh no, not a chance. He felt betrayed and tricked. And he left her. Because he told her if he couldn't trust she was telling the truth during the engagement when she agreed to no kids, how could he ever trust her about anything else again?

He filed for divorce the day after the child was born.

Think long and hard dear one. Forever is a very long time.

 

[Purge187]

He obviously didn't tell you earlier on that he was childfree, which he should've done. I'm childfree myself and always mention it in my online dating profiles for that reason--it's wrong to become involved with someone and then say, "Oh, by the way...."

Thoughts and prayers, Tac.

 

[BRERDO]

My one suggestion is: Do not hope you can change his mind after you are married.

Either back away now, agree to not have any children to stay with him or give him an ultimatum and tell him to pick you and children or himself right now. Just do not bank it all on trying to change his mind or hoping he does one day. You deserve what your are looking for. You want to be a mother. Don't let that go.

Best of luck!

 

[mebby02]

Aww l have been with my husband for over a year now and we don't want kids don't keep asking him about it don't press him. Just wait it out maybe he will one day and hes nervous guys are like that its a big step for guys and its emtional for them hes probably not ready for kids yet. l'm not sure how old you guys are but you never know everything will work l promise
God bless you

 

[BRERDO]

I don't know... I don't think it is a general "guy thing". If he sees how much she wants children and he is willing to deny her that on purpose, knowing she will feel that way seemingly forever, I don't see that as a nervous thing, because he knows if he doesn't want kids. He is most likely hoping she changes her mind just like she is hoping he will.

Be careful withyour emotions of live. Yes, love is the grandest of all things but love can also sometimes be blind.

Have faith and you will make the right decision.

 

[AnonUser2013]

I agree with the above poster. It is NOT just a 'guy thing' at all! In fact, when I was engaged my man kept on reaffirming that I was going to be such a great mother. It was his desire to father children and it made him quite proud when I gave him 2 kids (yeah, it made me happy too obviously, lol). Without stepping on toes here (which I probably awkwardly will anyways), it is a natural and excellent desire for women AND men to leave a legacy/inheritance to future children/generations. It is a BLESSING!

 

[Spunkn]

My one suggestion is: Do not hope you can change his mind after you are married.

Either back away now, agree to not have any children to stay with him or give him an ultimatum and tell him to pick you and children or himself right now. Just do not bank it all on trying to change his mind or hoping he does one day. You deserve what your are looking for. You want to be a mother. Don't let that go.

Best of luck!

This. This is not one of those issues that you say "I'll change his mind after we get married". This is a core issue that could wreak havoc later on if you don't deal with it.

Now, after what you said.

"he told me he was afraid of being a dad"
"He just says he doesn't want for us to have children and he cannot see his life as being happy with them."

Ask him why he cannot see life as being happy with them? What are his reasons? Ask him why he's afraid to be a dad and what those reasons are? I'm guessing probably everyone has that fear at some point.

Ask him more questions and discuss it more. However, if he is unwilling to waver on the fact that he does not want kids, then you seriously need to re-evaluate where this is going. This is one of your core values, it's part of who you are. You want to be a mother. If you truly do want it that badly, and he does not. Then this is not the guy for you.

 

[If Not For Grace]

Bless his Heart-you can not get married or you can wind up divorced-

I never wanted children and still don't-Marriage will not change mind..He has been honest-and that was hard, b/c he did it knowing he could loose you-NOW be honest with him and yourself..