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i used to touch, became free, then fell... thoughts?help?

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Foxhound21136

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Hello,

I have a story that differs from many, in that I became free for a while from sexual contaminates through a spiritual revelatipn and God (through a series of emotional chastisemrnts) helped me Repent.

To start, I will say that i have masterbated probably since the age of 10. I grew up in a Christian home, with parrents who served the Church. I watched Christian cartoons as a small child and attended Bible school.

By the time I was 22, I still had never been in a real relationship with anyone, and jumped on an oportuniy to be with a lesbian/bisexual young woman. <staff edit> one day, I had gotten high, and she asked me to vote yes on md's proposition six, allowing homosexials to get married. I knew it wasn't right, but grudgingly voted yes. I was at her house, and was high and I saw my skateboard which had a painting of Jesus on it, and fell to tears. i didnt know how i could be called a christian. i ran to the poles to try to change my vote, and they wouldt let me. i moved back home. i started reading the bible and talking allot with my pastor, and one day we prayed together for me to surrender to God's will. i at this point had been going through so much emotion that i couldnt touch even. i had been having sexual dream after sexual dream and hated them. i asked God wholeheartedly to take these dreams away, and they stopped! after praying with my pastor, i felt a burden fly away, and i was baptized as soon as i could. I stopped getting high, mastebating, and when verry attractive women would be wearing less than they should, my Natural instincts verted my eyes from thier advertising features. i even helped my freind get saved.

Going down hill....
I felt led to this one girl's house due to the surrounding surcumstances and told her about my regeneration in Christ. She vibed off of that, and I thought God led me to her to show her about Jesus. We stopped seeing each other because we were getting too attached for a Christian and a non believer to be. I felt alone and horrible. I eventually started to date her to see what would happen, and after a while, we went too far. I told her that ot was wrong, and she couldnt understand. And we were no longer an item. This however opened up my sexuality that prior there too was locked up in a box supernaturaly. In the following spring I had developed my materbation habit back. I wasnt lusting after women at the time, but as people started wearing lwss, I started noticing more. I occasionally dowloaded a few lorn videos too. I have since been working on not eyeballing women, and have not downloaded any porn for at least three weeks. I have shaken off porn, but still touch. I dont think about sex most of the time I do, I just enjoy the feeling. Since I fell with my gf, I have struggled to get that supernatural control back. But the problem Is I like mazterbating. I have lost Gods hate for It. I was wondering If by Itself It waz a sin, but i know i feel weak in body, and feel guilty when i do. I try to hold onto my guilt so my concience doent harden. <staff edit> i am afraid though cognitively that i will loose myself, and God in my fallen state. I prayed a few times for God to make me pure from the inside out. I've prayed for forgiveness, I even just tell God what I'm telling you. On one day that I prayed, a whole lot of Christianz came in my store throughout the day. I found that encouraging that God still wants me. <staff delete> I want peoples opinions. I want scriptures that adresss the issue. And I want prayer that God will bring me back to himself the way he did before. (This is a seperate side story that gave me hope... I was working, and a big tall boy came in my store and noticed we sold glass pipes. He knew they wers used to smoke weed and seemed apprehensive. I asked if he ever smoked and he said no. He seemed nervous so I told jim "well I'll make you a deal... I just wont sell you one, okay?" With a smile. He lit up a little and said deal. I askex if he was a Christian, and he said yeah, hard core. I told him I used to smoke, but God steered me away from it, and it was good not to smoke. After that, I felt this warmth and joy that gave me what I think it meant for love of the bretheran. I never felt that like that before. If you pray, just call me James so God will know who to help.
 
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