I think I'm ready to file

[kanga22]

Okay, he has clearly proven that he has HIS best interests in mind and not mine and the kids anymore. I realized this last weekend that I have to make my own plans and stop believing that his ideas are good for us.

I'm thinking that I will see a lawyer in September when my seasonal employment starts up again. What are the benefits of me filing first again? I've been waiting for him to file, but I don't know if he'll ever get around to it. In the meantime, he still comes home when he wants and expects me to cook for him and do his laundry. He still pays all my bills, so I figure we're about even there.

But, the talking to girlfriends in front of me and the kids has me at a breaking point. I don't think I can (or should) have to live like this anymore. We live seperately, for the most part, and I have worked (but failed) at keeping our 22 year long relationship together. He decided he was "done" with me as his wife 18 months ago, and that was that in his mind.

Again... what are the benefits of ME filing before he does? Because I was going to be passive and wait for him to do it, but I think I'm ready to cut the ties and move on already! And my moral standard says that you don't "move on" until you've finished the current situation.

 

[ShainaBrina]

I've heard it said that he/she who files first files best.

I'm not sure if that's true in your state... doesn't really matter up here as far as I know... but in some states, it apparently does.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Its probably more beneficial if no one files. Getting a divorce will take you from a position where you can complain about a husband who doesn't appreciate you enough to a position where you may have to work two jobs in order to barely survive. Of course I could be wrong, but I work with several 40-50ish women who are recently divorced working long hours for peanuts.

 

[kanga22]

Its probably more beneficial if no one files. Getting a divorce will take you from a position where you can complain about a husband who doesn't appreciate you enough to a position where you may have to work two jobs in order to barely survive. Of course I could be wrong, but I work with several 40-50ish women who are recently divorced working long hours for peanuts.

It would also be more beneficial if he would be a man, stop acting on his selfish pig man part, stop chasing skanks, and live up to his vows and responsibilities. Or, at the very least he could end our relationship in an honorable way.

And, I don't think I have EVER complained that he doesn't appreciate me! You can interpret what I say anyway you want, it doesn't mean that it is true. I have been doing my best to remain faithful to a man who has never felt the need to be faithful to anyone or anything.

Thanks for your concern about my income, this is one reason I've put it off.

 

[Autumnleaf]

It would also be more beneficial if he would be a man, stop acting on his selfish pig man part, stop chasing skanks, and live up to his vows and responsibilities. Or, at the very least he could end our relationship in an honorable way.

And, I don't think I have EVER complained that he doesn't appreciate me! You can interpret what I say anyway you want, it doesn't mean that it is true. I have been doing my best to remain faithful to a man who has never felt the need to be faithful to anyone or anything.

Thanks for your concern about my income, this is one reason I've put it off.

I'm not defending him. I don't know your situation. All I'm suggesting is that you look at the consequences of what you choose to do.

Would you rather work like a dog at a job you probably will hate to live like a pauper, or make the best of what you have now?

If you can maybe you can go to school to get trained at a job you want to do and then proceed with the divorce if you still want to. Then again, you may be a executive for Haliburton with money in the bank. Just stop and count to ten before you proceed.

 

[dayknee]

Kanga, long time no talk.
I am on board with you my friend.
I believe you have endured a lot from this man. And I know that whatever you decide the Lord will take care of you and your children.
I do think it is high time you move on. If he was even showing a remote interest in this marriage I would suggest that you see what you can do with it and try to make it work. But becuase I know that you have and you have hung in there and stuck it out, and he just continues to have a desire for other women, you do NOT need to put up with that.
As far as the whole money issue that Autumleaf is speaking about..meh...someitmes we do what we have to do. I believe you wil be completley fine and you will be able to move on with your life and find the peace and happiness you so much deserve.
Im praying for you. and yes I am praying for you to file for divorce.

 

[dayknee]

Kanga, long time no talk.
I am on board with you my friend.
I believe you have endured a lot from this man. And I know that whatever you decide the Lord will take care of you and your children.
I do think it is high time you move on. If he was even showing a remote interest in this marriage I would suggest that you see what you can do with it and try to make it work. But becuase I know that you have and you have hung in there and stuck it out, and he just continues to have a desire for other women, you do NOT need to put up with that.
As far as the whole money issue that Autumleaf is speaking about..meh...someitmes we do what we have to do. I believe you wil be completley fine and you will be able to move on with your life and find the peace and happiness you so much deserve.
Im praying for you. and yes I am praying for you to file for divorce.

 

[Autumnleaf]

One thing I forgot to mention. Sometimes when we are in a bad situation, if we wait it out things get better on their own. Circumstances change, things come up, God's invisible hand touches people the right way etc... Sometimes waiting is better than acting on it.

 

[Dalizar]

i agree with what Autum just said about waiting it out, because my wife and i are seperated long story, its in a topic next to this one. Well she is at her cousin's house on a little vacation to have fun and which is good because God is working insider of her i can feel it, and the way she talks to me now. Also being apart makes the heart grow more fond.

As for what Dayknee said...praying for a divorce is in my opinion bad because 1 divorce is a sin and should be avoided much as possible and 2 praying for it? I dont think God would be pleased for someone to pray for someone else to sin, though I am not God, it may be the best thing I dont know. Just saying to me that seems kinda bad..

 

[DreamboatAnnie]

I filed last week. I am also sure that the first that files usually is thinking everything through. My lawyer is also my friend which helps as I work for a firm. Good luck.

 

[dayknee]

Since when is divorcing due to infidelity a sin?

Praying for her to finally divorce her husband due to his constant infidelity is not sinful. That is just silly.
We all know God hates divorce. Remember he divorced Isreal..
God does not hate the divorced person. God said divorce is possible for the reason of marital unfaithfulness. Her husband has a girlfriend. Her husband has had several. He is very open about it and does not hide it from her or the kids.
I PRAY she files for divorce so she can move in with her life and she can find peace and comfort.
Also remember that it is not the ultimate sin. Divorce is not the plague. Remeber that lying, cheating, stealing, coveting, lusting, murder, and NOT honoring your mother and father are also sins. I can guess that you have done at least 3 of these things. Don't harp on the divorce law unless you are ready to condem and chastise everyone who has been lying, coveting, lusting, stealing, murdering, and not honoring their mother and fathers. Be a strong advocate for all of these things and not just divorce.
Her husband is unfaithful and has been for a very long time. She has biblical grounds to file. And she should.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Since when is divorcing due to infidelity a sin?

Praying for her to finally divorce her husband due to his constant infidelity is not sinful. That is just silly.
We all know God hates divorce. Remember he divorced Isreal..
God does not hate the divorced person. God said divorce is possible for the reason of marital unfaithfulness. Her husband has a girlfriend. Her husband has had several. He is very open about it and does not hide it from her or the kids.
I PRAY she files for divorce so she can move in with her life and she can find peace and comfort.
Also remember that it is not the ultimate sin. Divorce is not the plague. Remeber that lying, cheating, stealing, coveting, lusting, murder, and NOT honoring your mother and father are also sins. I can guess that you have done at least 3 of these things. Don't harp on the divorce law unless you are ready to condem and chastise everyone who has been lying, coveting, lusting, stealing, murdering, and not honoring their mother and fathers. Be a strong advocate for all of these things and not just divorce.
Her husband is unfaithful and has been for a very long time. She has biblical grounds to file. And she should.

Jesus said a man can divorce his wife for infidelity. He didn't say a wife can divorce her husband for it. For some people that means what it says. For others they read other things into it.

 

[ShainaBrina]

Autum Leaf try reading Exodus 21:10 & 11

If a man breaks covenant with his wife, the wife it so be redeemed.

Also if the husband was caught in adultery... he was stoned to death - thus eliminating the need for divorce.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Autum Leaf try reading Exodus 21:10 & 11

If a man breaks covenant with his wife, the wife it so be redeemed.

Also if the husband was caught in adultery... he was stoned to death - thus eliminating the need for divorce.

If you choose to live under Mosaic Law God help you.

 

[FaithfulWife]

Okay, he has clearly proven that he has HIS best interests in mind and not mine and the kids anymore. I realized this last weekend that I have to make my own plans and stop believing that his ideas are good for us.

I'm thinking that I will see a lawyer in September when my seasonal employment starts up again. What are the benefits of me filing first again? I've been waiting for him to file, but I don't know if he'll ever get around to it. In the meantime, he still comes home when he wants and expects me to cook for him and do his laundry. He still pays all my bills, so I figure we're about even there.

But, the talking to girlfriends in front of me and the kids has me at a breaking point. I don't think I can (or should) have to live like this anymore. We live seperately, for the most part, and I have worked (but failed) at keeping our 22 year long relationship together. He decided he was "done" with me as his wife 18 months ago, and that was that in his mind.

Again... what are the benefits of ME filing before he does? Because I was going to be passive and wait for him to do it, but I think I'm ready to cut the ties and move on already! And my moral standard says that you don't "move on" until you've finished the current situation.

Kanga~

First let me say that I'm sorry that people have chosen YOUR thread as a place to debate the "rightness" and "wrongness" of divorce. I know that you are a wise, mature christian lady and not a youngster. I know that you have tried for a long time to save this 22 year marriage and save the family from the breakup. I also know that you know that God is not pleased by a divorce and wants us to honor our covenants. But what SOME PEOPLE don't seem to realize here is that you are not the one who has broken the covenant or destroyed the relationship!

Did you have you part in the events that lead up to it? Oh most likely you did, after all we are all fallible human beings. I bet there were moments when you yelled at him, behaved badly, spoke in anger, etc. Maybe you nagged him or even had annoying habits that you didn't change even though he asked over and over. And are you responsible for your side? Sure you are! I have great confidence that during this entire period of separation you've been considering your part in it and examining yourself, and in that respect the Lord is purifying you and making you and even better woman and mother!

The issue HERE is that you have finally come to realize that it is not you. That at this point the covenant has been and is continuing to be BROKEN and that is not your choice. You have given the breaking party a chance to return to the covenant and repay the damage he caused by breaking it. You have continued to behave as honorably as possible and continued to hope and pray. But despite all this, you are seeing that even though God is not pleased with divorce, YOU are not the one who has abandoned the covenant and done the divorcing behavior. YOU are still there!

Kanga, if you do decide to file now, know this. You are making civil, legal paperwork match what has already occurred. By his ACTIONS AND CHOICES your spouse has covered his house with violence. Your spouse has broken the covenant and your spouse is the one displeasing God and sinning (and I'm not saying you are spotless). All you would be doing is giving him the opportunity to live with and fully experience the natural consequence of his choices, and that is a good and godly thing. See, King David committed adultery and knocked up the other woman! Then to hide his sin, he sent her husband to be killed and did a rush-rush wedding. Even as the adulterer though, God gave him the chance to repent and admit his sin...and King David did! He was heartily sorry and fully repentant but you know what? God STILL allowed him to experience the natural consequence of his choice to be unfaithful, and King David lost his baby son. Trust me, there is no pain greater while you're alive than to lose a child. And that's not all. God allowed King David to experience the rebellion of his own children--all part of the consequence of his choice to be unfaithful. God forgave him and their relationship was repaired but that does NOT mean "Now you don't have to experience the consequences" and it shouldn't with your spouse either. He has purposefully chosen to abandon the wife of his youth and to cover his house in violence--and God is clear:

Malachi 2:15-16
15 Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. 16 "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself or his wife with violence as well as with his house," says the LORD Almighty.
So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith."

Yeah-quote the WHOLE verse not just the "I hate divorce" part. How about the part about not breaking faith with the wife of your youth? or the part about not covering your house with violence?

So go in peace sister. I Corinthians 7:15 says "But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace." You have fought the good fight and as I said, you would only be making the civil documents reflect what has already happened. The covenant has been broken and the person who DID the breaking is not courageous enough to do the right thing and file "paperwork" so you fill in the blanks and register some filing fee and ask for everything that is rightfully yours and your childrens'... and ALLOW him to wallow in the decisions he has made.

Sorry for those who felt it was necessary to debate here. I know that's awfully painful at a time like this.



~Faithful

 

[dayknee]

Faithfulwife...
What you felt was a debate was merely correcting a wrong thought about divorce that some people have.
I care about Kanga and I have prayed for her and her situation. I am glad she is at the point where she is ready to file and move on with her life. Kanga is a great person with a good heart and she deserves to have peace in her home and in her heart as well as her children.
Simply put, this is a forum, and unfortunately people are going to debate issues, even in someones post who needs edification and not arguement. We all, at times, want to correct the wrongness of others thoughts over divorce. I'm not above it, I can just admitt it. Please, you really shouldn't scold when every single one of us here, and yes even Autumnleaf, has Kanga's best interest at heart.

 

[kanga22]

Faithfulwife...
What you felt was a debate was merely correcting a wrong thought about divorce that some people have.
I care about Kanga and I have prayed for her and her situation. I am glad she is at the point where she is ready to file and move on with her life. Kanga is a great person with a good heart and she deserves to have peace in her home and in her heart as well as her children.
Simply put, this is a forum, and unfortunately people are going to debate issues, even in someones post who needs edification and not arguement. We all, at times, want to correct the wrongness of others thoughts over divorce. I'm not above it, I can just admitt it. Please, you really shouldn't scold when every single one of us here, and yes even Autumnleaf, has Kanga's best interest at heart.

Dayknee I appreciate your kind words. And I really didn't mind the debate. lol It actually helped confirm my belief that I'm right to move forward with this and allow a finish to what my husband started two years ago (maybe longer than that in his mind).

Faithfulwife, thank you for the scripture and thoughts. You are correct in that I've examined myself and tried to be the better wife and mother. My husband declared he was "done" 19 months ago and nothing I've tried has changed that. He might as well have "filed" at that time because his mind was made up.

I appreciate all the responses.

 

[devonian]

Kanga,

You appear to struggle with more than one issue that is similar to mine. I will pray for you. Not for divorce, not for reconciliation, but that you will be able to discern what God's will is for you in this struggle. I will also pray that you will feel compassion, tolerance, and love, especially from Christians who should express it best.


Shaina,

Autum Leaf try reading Exodus 21:10 & 11

If a man breaks covenant with his wife, the wife it so be redeemed.

Also if the husband was caught in adultery... he was stoned to death - thus eliminating the need for divorce.

Exodus 21: 10-11 refer to how a Master should treat his female slave who marries his son, and then the son remarries. It doesn't apply to this situation.

 

[Lisa004]

Since he has not had the courage to file then I suggest you take advantage of this. I am not saying to take advantage of him but, of the situation. This is a time to prepare yourself financially. If you know the marriage is over what does it matter to have a piece of paper? Get a better job, educated, and most of all save money.

My husband also had no shame in adultry. However, I planned and waited. God led me to prepare myself for the future. This not only allowed me to confirm what needed to be done, but also to put money away.

I filed first due to I was not going to be treated the way he wanted. It took me awhile to find my self respect. We are still not divorced, however, I have saved more money in this short time than what we were able to save in our entire marriage. I am now attending a University and in the process of opening a business. For the most part it is all without his knowledge and not any of his income.

When it came time to him coming to our home to have his cake and eat it too. I finally put my foot down that he had to make a decision. He chose not a wife or his kids. This is why God gave me the ability and wisdome to put the money away. After I filed he did not help at all with our mortgage, bills, and yes our children. I did not receive one penny of child support until 1 yr and 2 month after he moved out. I had to survive with 4 children under my roof (teenagers) at the time on my own. You don't know how your husband will react once you file. Another thing is once you are divorced you will have to claim yourself as single. Then you are taxed heavily. I have stalled the divorce on various times and sometimes it was with only prayer for this very reason. Do I want the divorce, no...does it need to happen...yes. My husband is no longer in our home. He no longer comes in and out to eat and do his laundry. I have set the boundaries and now he has to follow them. God does bless those who are faithful. I prayed on my knees until they were raw for the salvation of my marriage. But look at my situation now. Who would of thought I would have more money on my own, going after my long dream of getting my degree and to open a business. I learned to be independent of my husband to the point when I started receiving child support I have put away almost every penny to go towards their college education.

He on the other hand is struggling and his family does not welcome his girlfriend who is about 10 years older than me. He also has lost the respect of his children. His oldest does not speak to him. The second only sees about 2 -3 times a month now. My son sees him about 1 time a month and my youngest sees him about 1 time a week. She only sees him that often because she is 16 and feels that she has no say. She tries to make excuses not to see him most of the time. Not one of my children went to see their father on Father's Day. He had to sit with his girlfriend and his parents house with all his brother and their children. And everyone only giving the other woman a hello to be respectful to her as a human being. I received phone calls from his family and now at last they understand what their son/brother has done. My mother-in-law and I spoke just yesterday and she has a new respect for me for standing for my marriage for so long and taking care of her grandchildren. God will bless you for doing what is right.

Whatever you do do not rush into something that truly is only a piece of paper. You can move on with your life at the same time. This is what God has allowed me to do. Don't get me wrong I continue to pray for my husband and the restoration of our marriage. However, I will not be treated as if I have no value as a person.

 

[kanga22]

Lisa004, thank you for responding to my post. I have realized lately that I've been emotionally and physically divorced from him for awhile now. You are right, it's a piece of paper and when I think that piece of paper will help me enforce boundaries with him, that's when I will use it.

I have been preparing myself to cut ties with him. I went back to college, renewed my professional license, and have been waiting to file until I have a full-time job. I want to be ready to pay 100% of the bills and childcare. Thank you for reminding me that I have been doing the right things here.

I'm sorry for your situation. Good for you for having the strength to put yourself in a better place and being a person your children can look up to. God bless.