I think I know what the problem is...

[Emerald518]

First of all, I want to thank everyone on this website for the help they've given me over the years. It's nice to have a place that I can go to and vent anonymously about different things and I apologize if I've ever been a pain. You all are wonderful...

For those who know the things I post, I've experienced a significant loss in my relationship with God because of an event that happened four years ago right at the beginning of my walk with Him and four years later, I'm still struggling immensely with what happened. For a long time, I've felt like God pushed me away or that He didn't really want anything to do with me after what I did, but lately I've felt Him tugging on my heart to come back home...and after a lot of soul searching I've realized the problem isn't that God doesn't want me and is keeping me at a distance because He's angry or disappointed. The problem is, I've built up a wall around myself for protection because I have MAJOR trust issues with Him and I'm afraid to come back to Him after what happened because now that I missed what He originally wanted for me four years ago and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I did, I don't trust His plan for me and I'm afraid to see what He might have me do next, and I'm afraid of being disappointed and heartbroken.

I wrote this in my prayer journal last night and hope that it can help shed some light:

"Father I know that I need to come back to You and that You’ve been calling out to me, but there’s one really big hurdle that’s in the way of me coming home that I just can’t get around…Father, I know that even if I do repent and turn back to You, I’m not going to have the life that was meant for me four years ago and that I missed out on, nor the blessings that I came with it. Even if I do come home to You, I’ll never see my past again or what I had. I’ll never get the chance to live out the life that was planned for me and I’ll never get another chance to redeem myself after the screw up that I made back there and I know that I won’t. Father my biggest obstacle in coming home to You is trust…

Father if I were to come home, the reality of my loss and my mistake will hit me harder than it has ever hit me and I think the pain is going to be so unbearable, that it will be like going into shock trauma after getting into a car accident. If I were to do this, I would be disappointed and have my heart broken all over again. And Father I also think, what is the use of going back to You and having life with You if I’m never going to live out Your purpose for me because I gave it away and missed the door into Your perfect, prescriptive will for my life? I hang back because I’m not sure what Your plan is for me now and I’m scared of what is going to happen to me when I do come home. I imagine being constantly reminded of what happened and reminded that I screwed up and could have had something amazing…if I were to come close to You, it would always be hanging over my head even more than it is now, or even worse…You would make me give it up in my heart even though all of that is what I cherish and hold dear even after all of this…You will rip it away from me once and for all and it will be GONE…and my worst nightmare will be realized. I know that as far as the constant reminder, You wouldn't be the one doing it to me as punishment, but I know that it will be the "elephant in the room" that can't be ignored and it will never leave me...

Father I keep my distance because it allows me to fight and it allows me to have hope that all of that really isn’t gone for good and that what happened really wasn’t my fault. I didn’t even want to do what I did in the first place and I did it because I felt like I had to do it and had to prove my righteousness to You before You would let me walk in all of it. I didn’t understand grace even though I knew I had it and was doing what I always did because I didn’t know any better: covering myself so that if anything went wrong, I couldn’t be blamed and accused and wouldn’t get in trouble or be punished. I was covering the bases so that You wouldn’t find wrong with me and take all of that away from me. It still baffles me, Father, that You could let this happen knowing that I didn’t want to and knowing that my sense of the truth was very warped and only just starting to be correct. I didn’t know any better because all my life I’d lived that way, always having to be two or three steps ahead so that when things hit the fan, my escape would already be planned out and cover myself so people wouldn't have an excuse to justify hurting me and what I was going through after I first found You was so different…I was just starting to learn the truth about You, still trying to process everything that happened to me when I got baptized and figure things out, figure out what was truth and what wasn’t…I was vulnerable and weak and when all of that hit me, I fell immediately because it overcame me in weakness. I have very little doubt that what caused me to make the choices I did back there was an attack from the enemy and what I was being told when I was being attacked was what I had been told all my life, that I was no good, that I deserved to be punished and You would punish me if I took what was being offered to me because I wasn't good enough for it...and because I knew little else, I couldn’t fight against it. Lord, I don’t know that any of this matters to You and You probably see it as just an excuse or me trying to justify doing wrong…

God in short the reason that I’m having trouble coming back to You is because I don’t trust Your plan for me after all of this and I’m afraid that I’m going to end up hurt and disappointed just like I was four years ago when all of this happened. And I’m afraid of You, too. I remember two summers ago when You came down and touched me and revealed Yourself to me one day at home after a counseling session, and I was deathly terrified of Your presence…I am still that way now because all I can remember and think about when I do feel the Spirit is what happened and all of the trauma of losing what You gave me and for other reasons I don’t really know. I want to come home and God I ask that You would help me get to where I can come home, but Lord these are my roadblocks to doing it and I can’t get around them. Or maybe I just don’t want to…I don’t know…I’m scared…"

 

[Halbhh]

First of all, I want to thank everyone on this website for the help they've given me over the years. It's nice to have a place that I can go to and vent anonymously about different things and I apologize if I've ever been a pain. You all are wonderful...

For those who know the things I post, I've experienced a significant loss in my relationship with God because of an event that happened four years ago right at the beginning of my walk with Him and four years later, I'm still struggling immensely with what happened. For a long time, I've felt like God pushed me away or that He didn't really want anything to do with me after what I did, but lately I've felt Him tugging on my heart to come back home...and after a lot of soul searching I've realized the problem isn't that God doesn't want me and is keeping me at a distance because He's angry or disappointed. The problem is, I've built up a wall around myself for protection because I have MAJOR trust issues with Him and I'm afraid to come back to Him after what happened because now that I missed what He originally wanted for me four years ago and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I did, I don't trust His plan for me and I'm afraid to see what He might have me do next, and I'm afraid of being disappointed and heartbroken.

I wrote this in my prayer journal last night and hope that it can help shed some light:

"Father I know that I need to come back to You and that You’ve been calling out to me, but there’s one really big hurdle that’s in the way of me coming home that I just can’t get around…Father, I know that even if I do repent and turn back to You, I’m not going to have the life that was meant for me four years ago and that I missed out on, nor the blessings that I came with it. Even if I do come home to You, I’ll never see my past again or what I had. I’ll never get the chance to live out the life that was planned for me and I’ll never get another chance to redeem myself after the screw up that I made back there and I know that I won’t. Father my biggest obstacle in coming home to You is trust…

Father if I were to come home, the reality of my loss and my mistake will hit me harder than it has ever hit me and I think the pain is going to be so unbearable, that it will be like going into shock trauma after getting into a car accident. If I were to do this, I would be disappointed and have my heart broken all over again. And Father I also think, what is the use of going back to You and having life with You if I’m never going to live out Your purpose for me because I gave it away and missed the door into Your perfect, prescriptive will for my life? I hang back because I’m not sure what Your plan is for me now and I’m scared of what is going to happen to me when I do come home. I imagine being constantly reminded of what happened and reminded that I screwed up and could have had something amazing…if I were to come close to You, it would always be hanging over my head even more than it is now, or even worse…You would make me give it up in my heart even though all of that is what I cherish and hold dear even after all of this…You will rip it away from me once and for all and it will be GONE…and my worst nightmare will be realized. I know that as far as the constant reminder, You wouldn't be the one doing it to me as punishment, but I know that it will be the "elephant in the room" that can't be ignored and it will never leave me...

Father I keep my distance because it allows me to fight and it allows me to have hope that all of that really isn’t gone for good and that what happened really wasn’t my fault. I didn’t even want to do what I did in the first place and I did it because I felt like I had to do it and had to prove my righteousness to You before You would let me walk in all of it. I didn’t understand grace even though I knew I had it and was doing what I always did because I didn’t know any better: covering myself so that if anything went wrong, I couldn’t be blamed and accused and wouldn’t get in trouble or be punished. I was covering the bases so that You wouldn’t find wrong with me and take all of that away from me. It still baffles me, Father, that You could let this happen knowing that I didn’t want to and knowing that my sense of the truth was very warped and only just starting to be correct. I didn’t know any better because all my life I’d lived that way, always having to be two or three steps ahead so that when things hit the fan, my escape would already be planned out and cover myself so people wouldn't have an excuse to justify hurting me and what I was going through after I first found You was so different…I was just starting to learn the truth about You, still trying to process everything that happened to me when I got baptized and figure things out, figure out what was truth and what wasn’t…I was vulnerable and weak and when all of that hit me, I fell immediately because it overcame me in weakness. I have very little doubt that what caused me to make the choices I did back there was an attack from the enemy and what I was being told when I was being attacked was what I had been told all my life, that I was no good, that I deserved to be punished and You would punish me if I took what was being offered to me because I wasn't good enough for it...and because I knew little else, I couldn’t fight against it. Lord, I don’t know that any of this matters to You and You probably see it as just an excuse or me trying to justify doing wrong…

God in short the reason that I’m having trouble coming back to You is because I don’t trust Your plan for me after all of this and I’m afraid that I’m going to end up hurt and disappointed just like I was four years ago when all of this happened. And I’m afraid of You, too. I remember two summers ago when You came down and touched me and revealed Yourself to me one day at home after a counseling session, and I was deathly terrified of Your presence…I am still that way now because all I can remember and think about when I do feel the Spirit is what happened and all of the trauma of losing what You gave me and for other reasons I don’t really know. I want to come home and God I ask that You would help me get to where I can come home, but Lord these are my roadblocks to doing it and I can’t get around them. Or maybe I just don’t want to…I don’t know…I’m scared…"

25 At that time Jesus said, “I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children. 26 Yes, Father, for this is what you were pleased to do.

27 “All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11 NIV

Your post made me think of Luke chapter 15, and how good it is to realize what He plans for you, your good, the real good that we all most want, ultimately --Luke 15 NIV

You really do need the daily prayer Christ instructed us to pray, all of us. It's here:
Matthew 6:9 Context: Pray like this: 'Our Father in heaven, may your name be kept holy.

Please begin to pray this perfect prayer, and know with total faith it's for the things we most need, and you can believe it will be given to you.

 

[GodsGrace101]

First of all, I want to thank everyone on this website for the help they've given me over the years. It's nice to have a place that I can go to and vent anonymously about different things and I apologize if I've ever been a pain. You all are wonderful...

For those who know the things I post, I've experienced a significant loss in my relationship with God because of an event that happened four years ago right at the beginning of my walk with Him and four years later, I'm still struggling immensely with what happened. For a long time, I've felt like God pushed me away or that He didn't really want anything to do with me after what I did, but lately I've felt Him tugging on my heart to come back home...and after a lot of soul searching I've realized the problem isn't that God doesn't want me and is keeping me at a distance because He's angry or disappointed. The problem is, I've built up a wall around myself for protection because I have MAJOR trust issues with Him and I'm afraid to come back to Him after what happened because now that I missed what He originally wanted for me four years ago and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I did, I don't trust His plan for me and I'm afraid to see what He might have me do next, and I'm afraid of being disappointed and heartbroken.

I wrote this in my prayer journal last night and hope that it can help shed some light:

"Father I know that I need to come back to You and that You’ve been calling out to me, but there’s one really big hurdle that’s in the way of me coming home that I just can’t get around…Father, I know that even if I do repent and turn back to You, I’m not going to have the life that was meant for me four years ago and that I missed out on, nor the blessings that I came with it. Even if I do come home to You, I’ll never see my past again or what I had. I’ll never get the chance to live out the life that was planned for me and I’ll never get another chance to redeem myself after the screw up that I made back there and I know that I won’t. Father my biggest obstacle in coming home to You is trust…

Father if I were to come home, the reality of my loss and my mistake will hit me harder than it has ever hit me and I think the pain is going to be so unbearable, that it will be like going into shock trauma after getting into a car accident. If I were to do this, I would be disappointed and have my heart broken all over again. And Father I also think, what is the use of going back to You and having life with You if I’m never going to live out Your purpose for me because I gave it away and missed the door into Your perfect, prescriptive will for my life? I hang back because I’m not sure what Your plan is for me now and I’m scared of what is going to happen to me when I do come home. I imagine being constantly reminded of what happened and reminded that I screwed up and could have had something amazing…if I were to come close to You, it would always be hanging over my head even more than it is now, or even worse…You would make me give it up in my heart even though all of that is what I cherish and hold dear even after all of this…You will rip it away from me once and for all and it will be GONE…and my worst nightmare will be realized. I know that as far as the constant reminder, You wouldn't be the one doing it to me as punishment, but I know that it will be the "elephant in the room" that can't be ignored and it will never leave me...

Father I keep my distance because it allows me to fight and it allows me to have hope that all of that really isn’t gone for good and that what happened really wasn’t my fault. I didn’t even want to do what I did in the first place and I did it because I felt like I had to do it and had to prove my righteousness to You before You would let me walk in all of it. I didn’t understand grace even though I knew I had it and was doing what I always did because I didn’t know any better: covering myself so that if anything went wrong, I couldn’t be blamed and accused and wouldn’t get in trouble or be punished. I was covering the bases so that You wouldn’t find wrong with me and take all of that away from me. It still baffles me, Father, that You could let this happen knowing that I didn’t want to and knowing that my sense of the truth was very warped and only just starting to be correct. I didn’t know any better because all my life I’d lived that way, always having to be two or three steps ahead so that when things hit the fan, my escape would already be planned out and cover myself so people wouldn't have an excuse to justify hurting me and what I was going through after I first found You was so different…I was just starting to learn the truth about You, still trying to process everything that happened to me when I got baptized and figure things out, figure out what was truth and what wasn’t…I was vulnerable and weak and when all of that hit me, I fell immediately because it overcame me in weakness. I have very little doubt that what caused me to make the choices I did back there was an attack from the enemy and what I was being told when I was being attacked was what I had been told all my life, that I was no good, that I deserved to be punished and You would punish me if I took what was being offered to me because I wasn't good enough for it...and because I knew little else, I couldn’t fight against it. Lord, I don’t know that any of this matters to You and You probably see it as just an excuse or me trying to justify doing wrong…

God in short the reason that I’m having trouble coming back to You is because I don’t trust Your plan for me after all of this and I’m afraid that I’m going to end up hurt and disappointed just like I was four years ago when all of this happened. And I’m afraid of You, too. I remember two summers ago when You came down and touched me and revealed Yourself to me one day at home after a counseling session, and I was deathly terrified of Your presence…I am still that way now because all I can remember and think about when I do feel the Spirit is what happened and all of the trauma of losing what You gave me and for other reasons I don’t really know. I want to come home and God I ask that You would help me get to where I can come home, but Lord these are my roadblocks to doing it and I can’t get around them. Or maybe I just don’t want to…I don’t know…I’m scared…"

Too long to read your journal entry.
And it doesn't matter.
Why?

God wants everyone to be saved and be with Him.
2 Peter 3:9
1 Timothy 2:4
That includes YOU.

And what's this idea of : God's plan for your life?
Read your bible, find a good church, obey God's instructions to us and don't worry about His plan for your life. THIS is His plan...that you love, honor and obey Him.

Everything else just kind of falls into place.

Read the Prodigal Son.

And don't think God is Santa Clause. He let you down? Happens to all of us. He's not here to serve US,,,we're here to serve HIM.

 

[Emerald518]

Too long to read your journal entry.
And it doesn't matter.
Why?

God wants everyone to be saved and be with Him.
2 Peter 3:9
1 Timothy 2:4
That includes YOU.

And what's this idea of : God's plan for your life?
Read your bible, find a good church, obey God's instructions to us and don't worry about His plan for your life. THIS is His plan...that you love, honor and obey Him.

Everything else just kind of falls into place.

Read the Prodigal Son.

And don't think God is Santa Clause. He let you down? Happens to all of us. He's not here to serve US,,,we're here to serve HIM.

Thank you. To the last part, I'm not in any way saying that God let me down. I let HIM down because of a mistake I made and I'm just really scared about how He's going to deal with me now that I've made it...

 

[Dave G.]

518, He's going to deal with you in love and no condemnation if you are a believer in Christ Jesus. Read the account of the prodigal son in Luke 15 and the idea of No condemnation from Romans 8:1. We can get conviction ( sounds like you already have). If there is condemnation it's not of God but the enemy or even ourselves.

 

[GodsGrace101]

Thank you. To the last part, I'm not in any way saying that God let me down. I let HIM down because of a mistake I made and I'm just really scared about how He's going to deal with me now that I've made it...

I can't imagine what the mistake could be.
God is able to forgive all sin if we ask Him.
1 John chapter 1.
The only unforgivable sin is not believing in Him.

Stop worrying about what God has forgotten.
!!

 

[~Zao~]

I can't imagine what the mistake could be.
God is able to forgive all sin if we ask Him.
1 John chapter 1.
The only unforgivable sin is not believing in Him.

Stop worrying about what God has forgotten.
!!

It sounds to me like it was a sin of disobedience to a call on her life. I’ve heard this story from a few other Christians. The guilty feelings are quite unshakable from what I’ve heard. There seems to be no cure until one returns in obedience to the place one was, sometimes 25 years later in one case that I know of. His was a ministry in Mexico that he refused and it weighed heavy on him. I may be reading more into this than the op intended ... but if this is the case then the verses about the two sons, both refusing to obey, but the one who eventually changed his no to a yes, comes to mind.
God always equips His called with all they need. And I think it all works out according to His timing anyway. If we patiently follow Him.

 

[brinny]

Thank you. To the last part, I'm not in any way saying that God let me down. I let HIM down because of a mistake I made and I'm just really scared about how He's going to deal with me now that I've made it...

Mercy, forgiveness and grace. (((hug)))

 

[W2L]

Thank you. To the last part, I'm not in any way saying that God let me down. I let HIM down because of a mistake I made and I'm just really scared about how He's going to deal with me now that I've made it...

God gives grace to the humble. You sound humble.

 

[Emerald518]

It sounds to me like it was a sin of disobedience to a call on her life. I’ve heard this story from a few other Christians. The guilty feelings are quite unshakable from what I’ve heard. There seems to be no cure until one returns in obedience to the place one was, sometimes 25 years later in one case that I know of. His was a ministry in Mexico that he refused and it weighed heavy on him. I may be reading more into this than the op intended ... but if this is the case then the verses about the two sons, both refusing to obey, but the one who eventually changed his no to a yes, comes to mind.
God always equips His called with all they need. And I think it all works out according to His timing anyway. If we patiently follow Him.

To tell the entire story would be way too time consuming, so here is a link to an older post I made about a year ago over it.

Does God only ever give us one chance to do His will? (The post telling the whole story is near the bottom of page one. It's a huge hunk of text that I don't think you can miss, lol).

The part about it being disobedience, I guess that technically you could say that yes, what I did was, but at the same time, I didn't do the things I talk about in it to intentionally disobey God. I did them because I thought that I was doing what pleased God based on what I knew at the time and because I was still really shaken up about the experiences that lead to all of it. And you're right, I still have not gotten over the guilt and all of the nastiness all this time later...it was kind of like being in a war zone where you have rapid fire coming at you all at once and though you might miss most of it, there's always that one bullet or piece of schrapnel that gets you, and the one that got me did so in the place that was most fatal...and down I went.

 

[~Zao~]

It sounds to me like it was a sin of disobedience to a call on her life. I’ve heard this story from a few other Christians. The guilty feelings are quite unshakable from what I’ve heard. There seems to be no cure until one returns in obedience to the place one was, sometimes 25 years later in one case that I know of. His was a ministry in Mexico that he refused and it weighed heavy on him. I may be reading more into this than the op intended ... but if this is the case then the verses about the two sons, both refusing to obey, but the one who eventually changed his no to a yes, comes to mind.
God always equips His called with all they need. And I think it all works out according to His timing anyway. If we patiently follow Him.

I would also add
2 Peter 1:10 (NRSV)
10 Therefore, brothers and sisters, be all the more eager to confirm your call and election, for if you do this, you will never stumble.

 

[~Zao~]

To tell the entire story would be way too time consuming, so here is a link to an older post I made about a year ago over it.

Does God only ever give us one chance to do His will?

The part about it being disobedience, I guess that technically you could say that yes, what I did was, but at the same time, I didn't do the things I talk about in it to intentionally disobey God. I did them because I thought that I was doing what pleased God based on what I knew at the time and because I was still really shaken up about the experiences that lead to all of it. And you're right, I still have not gotten over the guilt and all of the nastiness all this time later...it was kind of like being in a war zone where you have rapid fire coming at you all at once and though you might miss most of it, there's always that one bullet or piece of schrapnel that gets you, and the one that got me did so in the place that was most fatal...and down I went.

Hi Emerald. The other post isn’t very detailed either except to say that your letting your past, present and future to be given over to doubt. God looks for faithfulness because He Himself is faithful. Think of loyalty in a spousal relationship and it’s evident what He wants from us. It’s an inner work to come to believe that we are worthy of His love and protection. And it’s too easy to doubt and remove ourselves out of that umbrella of protection, but never from His love. Believe and receive. Easier said than done at times but once done it’s a short ride to freedom. God bless!

 

[Emerald518]

Hi Emerald. The other post isn’t very detailed either except to say that your letting your past, present and future to be given over to doubt. God looks for faithfulness because He Himself is faithful. Think of loyalty in a spousal relationship and it’s evident what He wants from us. It’s an inner work to come to believe that we are worthy of His love and protection. And it’s too easy to doubt and remove ourselves out of that umbrella of protection, but never from His love. Believe and receive. Easier said than done at times but once done it’s a short ride to freedom. God bless!

Oops, must not have linked it to the right post in that thread. Here's a copy/paste version of it if you care to read. Like I said, it's pretty long, but it gives a lot more details...

"Hi. I tried to post this in a reply once but the page refreshed in the middle of editing, so I'm not sure that what I originally wrote and saved it still there. If it is, feel free to ignore this.

If not, this is what I originally wrote. This whole situation is really complex and tangled up and I'll try to explain as best as I can. Before I was a Believer, I was part of a church for two years that really did a lot to hurt me. They taught false doctrine, taught works even though they preached grace, emotionally and spiritually manipulated me and did so many other things that I can't even describe. I left after two years of being there and was completely traumatized when I came out and wanted nothing to do with God after I left. After I got out, I realized that I had been the victim of a cult and what I had endured during my time in that church was something called spiritual abuse. I left in April of 2015 and was only able to find the courage to get out after going into a place that was so dark mentally that I knew if I stayed there any longer than I did, I was going to end up doing something drastic to hurt either myself or someone else and I was extremely close to being forcibly hospitalized...my mom was ready to have me committed at one point and that is no exaggeration.

Even before my time in that church, I'd had a lot of chaos in my life. I grew up in a home where there was a lot of violence and dysfunction and had a narcissistic father who did anything and everything he could to hurt me and control me. The message that was pounded into my head and very soul growing up with him was that I was no good and I know now that the reason I ended up in the church that I did was because I was drawn to what was familiar...abuse and toxicity. My childhood home was also not a Christian one and when I decided to seek a relationship with God at 19 years old, I had no idea what I was doing because I was never exposed to any Christian teaching. I had also been trained to never question anyone in a position of authority growing up with the father that I did, and when someone from that church told me that it was "where God wanted me to be", I went in without questioning because all that I knew about God was that if I did something He didn't like, He would slam me into hell without reservation. I stayed there because once in, I got so deep that I couldn't see a way out and I feared that God would punish me for leaving.

My best friend and one of my cousins, both of whom attend the church that I go to now, helped me get out and I ended up being baptized at my current church in August of 2015. I remember coming up out of the water and feeling this "power" come over me and feeling...clean...and new. It didn't hit me until about a day later what had happened and I realized that that day, I truly became a Believer...God showed me who He really was and pulled the veil off of my eyes and that I had been deceived the entire time I was in that church...after that, life for the first time was finally what I had always wished it would be...orderly, filled with love...God during this time also placed a calling on me to do a specific thing and made a way for me to go back to school to finish a degree that I had started in order to be able to pursue it and the process of completing said degree was part of living out that calling as well. But things didn't stay that way for long...

I had gone to college for one year out of high school and ended up having to leave for financial reasons after my freshman year. Right after I left was when I joined the cult because leaving college was traumatic for me, as it had been the only stable thing in my life and my escape from all of the horrible stuff at home until baptism day. I had friends, was in a major I loved, had a teacher I really grew to admire and things were great. During the two years that I was gone and in the cult, I was also working as a janitor in a hospital with really crazy hours. My job required me to work a minimum of 24 hours a week with 8 hour days ending at midnight. The cult had also taught or allowed and even at times encouraged me to believe that taking out loans for any reason was sinful and that God would punish me for doing it. This was a teaching that I couldn't seem to let go of even after what happened when I got baptized. I looked for a job that would be more compatible with my school schedule so that I could leave that one when the semester started, but wasn't able to find anything and believed that it meant that God was wanting me to stay where I was at so that I could pay for school all in cash and avoid debt as I believe was required of me as a Christian. So I did.

However, the entire time I was there, I had this burning desire in my heart to leave and a nag in my mind that kept doing so and got stronger the more that I ignored it. But I didn't believe that it was God. Besides the calling that getting my degree was a part of, God also called me to help the deceived because of what I'd experienced and I was so grateful for what He had done for me in getting me out of that church, I wanted to be as righteous as possible and was willing to do whatever He wanted me to do, no questions asked, even if it meant doing something I didn't want to...and I didn't want to stay at that job. For whatever reason, I feared that the desire that kept eating at me to quit wasn't God, but actually Satan tempting me to sin. And my worst fear was that if I gave in or if I decided to do what was on my heart and leave that job, that God would be so angry with me for sinning or being deceived again that He would take everything that He had just given me away and punish me by making my life so much worse than it had been either in the cult or with my abusive dad and after having endured so much bad in my past, I didn't want to risk it. I didn't see that by staying there, my whole life was starting to deteriorate because I was exhausted all the time from doing a full day at school and then having to work for 8 hours until midnight on top of it, that my spiritual life and growth was starting to fall apart because all the days and nights that I should have been in church or doing bible study or fellowshipping with my newfound church family, things I wanted to be doing, I was working. I only saw one thing...whatever I do, don't give in to temptation, don't take out those loans because you'll be a hypocrite and fall for deception and then you'll fail to walk worthy of your calling, defeat Satan, win this spiritual battle of debt vs no debt, make God proud...And when I finally got to the point where I realized that the nag to leave really was God all along, it was too late to reverse what I'd done and I knew that I missed the door to enter into what God wanted for me. I quit my job, but it was too late to salvage my grades or anything else...

After it all happened, I went on a spree of self destruction for about three years because of anger and hurt and I fought God at every chance I got...it was like a bomb went off inside of me and after losing the best and only good thing to ever happen to me after a lifetime of pain was something so emotionally breaking that I just...blew up. I started to get into really self destructive, self sabotaging behavior...I failed even more classes than I did when it all first happened, I made suicide threats to one of my teachers that were so concerning to her that she actually called the police on me, I started self-harming and even tried to overdose on sleeping pills and alcohol in two failed suicide attempts that neither my family or my friends know about. A psychiatrist that I started seeing last fall diagnosed me with severe anxiety, depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and at one point suspected Borderline Personality Disorder, but that has since been disproved.

At His guidance, I medically withdrew from the school I had been attending for the past four years (six if you count the years I was gone. I was still enrolled in the university itself, just not registered for classes during those two years) because I just needed to get away from what happened and because the school itself started to go downhill really fast in the last two years starting when my original group of kids left in 2016. Being on campus every day was a constant reminder of the things that happened and what I did and even after what I'd done, more bad things happened...the teacher who saved my life and who I got very close to decided to retire at the end of last year suddenly and move halfway across the country to my devastation, I moved out of my parents' house to get away from the toxicity after my dad tried to overdose me on cold meds and had gotten physical with me on several occasions, only to move back in with other family after a guy in the neighborhood I was living in developed an obsession with me and started to stalk me, even going as far as to try to break into my house to get to me one night when he saw my car in the driveway (he is mentally ill, refuses to be medicated and believes a lot of the same things that the cult I was in believes even though his church doesn't teach those things...he also believes that he is the end times prophet and claims to have "dreams" and "visions" from "God" about me, saying that when I'm "in trouble," "God" sends him "visions about where I am" and tells him to "go find me so he can save me"...that's a whole other post within itself that I would gladly divulge once I can send private messages on here).

I recently had started to rebuild my relationship with God, but now a conviction about leaving my past behind me has me fearing and believing the worst. I fear and believe that because of what I did in not walking through the door that He had opened for me, not only did I miss His plan for my life, but I am also having the callings He placed on me removed from me because I didn't walk in them when I should have and as a result, I can't trust Him. I believe that this is true because it's what I want to happen the least even though nothing else has been confirmed yet, but I'm afraid to find the answers. God showed me in January that the reason I did what I did in not entering was because after all that I had been through early on in my life, I believed that I had to earn love and make myself good enough for anyone to love me and that I had wrongly believed that I had earned everything that God gave me through all that I had suffered...and as a result, I believed that I had to suffer in exchange for being allowed to keep it, replacing the cult and abusive dad with my hospital job. My fear of falling back into deception was valid, but it was the surface of a deeply rooted fear and lie that if I wasn't good enough, God would reject me and cast me back into the darkness that He had rescued me from. I also couldn't believe that God would want something so wonderful as the life He offered me back there without making me work for it....essentially, I was afraid that I was being "faked out".

I remember every single day what I had back there and think about what life could be for me right now if I had only taken the chance and it's so painful that I can't even put it in human language. I tell God constantly that I would give or do or endure anything for the chance to be allowed to go back and change what I did, because I never wanted to do what I did to end up here and I feel like if God really is telling me that the door to enter into that calling is gone forever and I'm not getting another chance at it, that I'm being punished for not believing and that God, despite knowing what I had been through in my early life and also knowing that those things molded me and caused me to think and believe the things that I did that caused me to do what I did, doesn't care and only sees that I sinned by not entering. My fear was that if I wasn't good enough and didn't measure up to my half of the "deal" between He and I, that God would take away all of the blessings and the life He gave me back there as collateral to pay for what I couldn't bring to Him or be for Him or measure up to...and I think now that all of my worst fears are coming true. He had a calling for me, He had a ministry for me and He had a whole life planned for me that included everything I ever wanted...now it's gone before I ever got to live it, I'm not who I should be in Him and I wish every day that I would go to sleep and not wake up because my life has been over for a very long time. There will never be anything as good as what I had ever again and I know that when I missed what I did, I missed "it"...I just want to leave this world..."

 

[GodsGrace101]

It sounds to me like it was a sin of disobedience to a call on her life. I’ve heard this story from a few other Christians. The guilty feelings are quite unshakable from what I’ve heard. There seems to be no cure until one returns in obedience to the place one was, sometimes 25 years later in one case that I know of. His was a ministry in Mexico that he refused and it weighed heavy on him. I may be reading more into this than the op intended ... but if this is the case then the verses about the two sons, both refusing to obey, but the one who eventually changed his no to a yes, comes to mind.
God always equips His called with all they need. And I think it all works out according to His timing anyway. If we patiently follow Him.

I agree very much with your last paragraph.
We, as Christians, spend too much time waiting on the Lord, or listening for His voice..or however else one wants to say that idea.

How could we even be sure it's really HIM and not our own mind? Maybe we make a choice and it turns out wrong and then we blame it on the fact that we didn't listen to God.

I stopped worrying about all this years and years go. Here's how I understand doing the will of God:

There are two jobs available to me.
One requires lying to customers.
That's the one I won't take.

The nuance could be more subtle...so we just make the best choice that we feel God would be happy about.

And even if the Call was 100% sure and known to the person and they didn't choose it -- well, we have to get over it and continue in life. We all make mistakes; the trick is to not let them drag us down.

Thanks for a great post.

 

[GodsGrace101]

Oops, must not have linked it to the right post in that thread. Here's a copy/paste version of it if you care to read. Like I said, it's pretty long, but it gives a lot more details...

"Hi. I tried to post this in a reply once but the page refreshed in the middle of editing, so I'm not sure that what I originally wrote and saved it still there. If it is, feel free to ignore this.

If not, this is what I originally wrote. This whole situation is really complex and tangled up and I'll try to explain as best as I can. Before I was a Believer, I was part of a church for two years that really did a lot to hurt me. They taught false doctrine, taught works even though they preached grace, emotionally and spiritually manipulated me and did so many other things that I can't even describe. I left after two years of being there and was completely traumatized when I came out and wanted nothing to do with God after I left. After I got out, I realized that I had been the victim of a cult and what I had endured during my time in that church was something called spiritual abuse. I left in April of 2015 and was only able to find the courage to get out after going into a place that was so dark mentally that I knew if I stayed there any longer than I did, I was going to end up doing something drastic to hurt either myself or someone else and I was extremely close to being forcibly hospitalized...my mom was ready to have me committed at one point and that is no exaggeration.

Even before my time in that church, I'd had a lot of chaos in my life. I grew up in a home where there was a lot of violence and dysfunction and had a narcissistic father who did anything and everything he could to hurt me and control me. The message that was pounded into my head and very soul growing up with him was that I was no good and I know now that the reason I ended up in the church that I did was because I was drawn to what was familiar...abuse and toxicity. My childhood home was also not a Christian one and when I decided to seek a relationship with God at 19 years old, I had no idea what I was doing because I was never exposed to any Christian teaching. I had also been trained to never question anyone in a position of authority growing up with the father that I did, and when someone from that church told me that it was "where God wanted me to be", I went in without questioning because all that I knew about God was that if I did something He didn't like, He would slam me into hell without reservation. I stayed there because once in, I got so deep that I couldn't see a way out and I feared that God would punish me for leaving.

My best friend and one of my cousins, both of whom attend the church that I go to now, helped me get out and I ended up being baptized at my current church in August of 2015. I remember coming up out of the water and feeling this "power" come over me and feeling...clean...and new. It didn't hit me until about a day later what had happened and I realized that that day, I truly became a Believer...God showed me who He really was and pulled the veil off of my eyes and that I had been deceived the entire time I was in that church...after that, life for the first time was finally what I had always wished it would be...orderly, filled with love...God during this time also placed a calling on me to do a specific thing and made a way for me to go back to school to finish a degree that I had started in order to be able to pursue it and the process of completing said degree was part of living out that calling as well. But things didn't stay that way for long...

I had gone to college for one year out of high school and ended up having to leave for financial reasons after my freshman year. Right after I left was when I joined the cult because leaving college was traumatic for me, as it had been the only stable thing in my life and my escape from all of the horrible stuff at home until baptism day. I had friends, was in a major I loved, had a teacher I really grew to admire and things were great. During the two years that I was gone and in the cult, I was also working as a janitor in a hospital with really crazy hours. My job required me to work a minimum of 24 hours a week with 8 hour days ending at midnight. The cult had also taught or allowed and even at times encouraged me to believe that taking out loans for any reason was sinful and that God would punish me for doing it. This was a teaching that I couldn't seem to let go of even after what happened when I got baptized. I looked for a job that would be more compatible with my school schedule so that I could leave that one when the semester started, but wasn't able to find anything and believed that it meant that God was wanting me to stay where I was at so that I could pay for school all in cash and avoid debt as I believe was required of me as a Christian. So I did.

However, the entire time I was there, I had this burning desire in my heart to leave and a nag in my mind that kept doing so and got stronger the more that I ignored it. But I didn't believe that it was God. Besides the calling that getting my degree was a part of, God also called me to help the deceived because of what I'd experienced and I was so grateful for what He had done for me in getting me out of that church, I wanted to be as righteous as possible and was willing to do whatever He wanted me to do, no questions asked, even if it meant doing something I didn't want to...and I didn't want to stay at that job. For whatever reason, I feared that the desire that kept eating at me to quit wasn't God, but actually Satan tempting me to sin. And my worst fear was that if I gave in or if I decided to do what was on my heart and leave that job, that God would be so angry with me for sinning or being deceived again that He would take everything that He had just given me away and punish me by making my life so much worse than it had been either in the cult or with my abusive dad and after having endured so much bad in my past, I didn't want to risk it. I didn't see that by staying there, my whole life was starting to deteriorate because I was exhausted all the time from doing a full day at school and then having to work for 8 hours until midnight on top of it, that my spiritual life and growth was starting to fall apart because all the days and nights that I should have been in church or doing bible study or fellowshipping with my newfound church family, things I wanted to be doing, I was working. I only saw one thing...whatever I do, don't give in to temptation, don't take out those loans because you'll be a hypocrite and fall for deception and then you'll fail to walk worthy of your calling, defeat Satan, win this spiritual battle of debt vs no debt, make God proud...And when I finally got to the point where I realized that the nag to leave really was God all along, it was too late to reverse what I'd done and I knew that I missed the door to enter into what God wanted for me. I quit my job, but it was too late to salvage my grades or anything else...

After it all happened, I went on a spree of self destruction for about three years because of anger and hurt and I fought God at every chance I got...it was like a bomb went off inside of me and after losing the best and only good thing to ever happen to me after a lifetime of pain was something so emotionally breaking that I just...blew up. I started to get into really self destructive, self sabotaging behavior...I failed even more classes than I did when it all first happened, I made suicide threats to one of my teachers that were so concerning to her that she actually called the police on me, I started self-harming and even tried to overdose on sleeping pills and alcohol in two failed suicide attempts that neither my family or my friends know about. A psychiatrist that I started seeing last fall diagnosed me with severe anxiety, depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and at one point suspected Borderline Personality Disorder, but that has since been disproved.

At His guidance, I medically withdrew from the school I had been attending for the past four years (six if you count the years I was gone. I was still enrolled in the university itself, just not registered for classes during those two years) because I just needed to get away from what happened and because the school itself started to go downhill really fast in the last two years starting when my original group of kids left in 2016. Being on campus every day was a constant reminder of the things that happened and what I did and even after what I'd done, more bad things happened...the teacher who saved my life and who I got very close to decided to retire at the end of last year suddenly and move halfway across the country to my devastation, I moved out of my parents' house to get away from the toxicity after my dad tried to overdose me on cold meds and had gotten physical with me on several occasions, only to move back in with other family after a guy in the neighborhood I was living in developed an obsession with me and started to stalk me, even going as far as to try to break into my house to get to me one night when he saw my car in the driveway (he is mentally ill, refuses to be medicated and believes a lot of the same things that the cult I was in believes even though his church doesn't teach those things...he also believes that he is the end times prophet and claims to have "dreams" and "visions" from "God" about me, saying that when I'm "in trouble," "God" sends him "visions about where I am" and tells him to "go find me so he can save me"...that's a whole other post within itself that I would gladly divulge once I can send private messages on here).

I recently had started to rebuild my relationship with God, but now a conviction about leaving my past behind me has me fearing and believing the worst. I fear and believe that because of what I did in not walking through the door that He had opened for me, not only did I miss His plan for my life, but I am also having the callings He placed on me removed from me because I didn't walk in them when I should have and as a result, I can't trust Him. I believe that this is true because it's what I want to happen the least even though nothing else has been confirmed yet, but I'm afraid to find the answers. God showed me in January that the reason I did what I did in not entering was because after all that I had been through early on in my life, I believed that I had to earn love and make myself good enough for anyone to love me and that I had wrongly believed that I had earned everything that God gave me through all that I had suffered...and as a result, I believed that I had to suffer in exchange for being allowed to keep it, replacing the cult and abusive dad with my hospital job. My fear of falling back into deception was valid, but it was the surface of a deeply rooted fear and lie that if I wasn't good enough, God would reject me and cast me back into the darkness that He had rescued me from. I also couldn't believe that God would want something so wonderful as the life He offered me back there without making me work for it....essentially, I was afraid that I was being "faked out".

I remember every single day what I had back there and think about what life could be for me right now if I had only taken the chance and it's so painful that I can't even put it in human language. I tell God constantly that I would give or do or endure anything for the chance to be allowed to go back and change what I did, because I never wanted to do what I did to end up here and I feel like if God really is telling me that the door to enter into that calling is gone forever and I'm not getting another chance at it, that I'm being punished for not believing and that God, despite knowing what I had been through in my early life and also knowing that those things molded me and caused me to think and believe the things that I did that caused me to do what I did, doesn't care and only sees that I sinned by not entering. My fear was that if I wasn't good enough and didn't measure up to my half of the "deal" between He and I, that God would take away all of the blessings and the life He gave me back there as collateral to pay for what I couldn't bring to Him or be for Him or measure up to...and I think now that all of my worst fears are coming true. He had a calling for me, He had a ministry for me and He had a whole life planned for me that included everything I ever wanted...now it's gone before I ever got to live it, I'm not who I should be in Him and I wish every day that I would go to sleep and not wake up because my life has been over for a very long time. There will never be anything as good as what I had ever again and I know that when I missed what I did, I missed "it"...I just want to leave this world..."

If God was the one that wanted you to finish college, why didn't He supply the money?

You're depressed, like you said.
Did the psychiatrist give you some pills to take?
(I can't remember - you wrote so much)

I wish there was a pill for worry.
You worry too much.

Be happy to know God and do your best to live for Him.

 

[Emerald518]

If God was the one that wanted you to finish college, why didn't He supply the money?

You're depressed, like you said.
Did the psychiatrist give you some pills to take?
(I can't remember - you wrote so much)

I wish there was a pill for worry.
You worry too much.

Be happy to know God and do your best to live for Him.

What I've learned is God doesn't always supply stuff like that directly, but I know He probably was going to provide me with a better job at some point. One other detail that I didn't divulge in the original post was that He was in the process of answering my prayers for a better job that was more flexible around my school schedule...that summer, I'd gotten a new phone and at one point had this pressing thought that I needed to figure out how to get into my voicemail on it so that if any jobs wanted to offer me a position and I missed the phone call, I could get back to them later. I don't remember exactly what happened, but I ended up forgetting about it and brushing it aside for some reason. I ended up getting locked out of my voicemail on this phone and when I managed to get into it after the whole fiasco happened, I found out that I had two job offers that would have been perfect with my schedule. And I later realized that even if I'd missed them, it would probably have even been better that I didn't work that first semester coming back to school because it was a BUSY semester...concerts, papers, homework, church...and as far as money, I had enough saved up from working that I was able to pay for the fall semester all in cash in one big chunk and even had about $1500 leftover from unused vacation time that I would have gotten paid back to me in one big check if I'd quit my job that would have paid for gas, food, other expenses...I just thought that if I didn't have the whole year upfront that God would punish me.....catastrophic thinking and trying to be three steps ahead...I literally messed this WHOLE thing up...

And the reality that I might not ever get another chance hurts mainly because I didn't choose to reject what God had for me because I didn't want it...I wanted it very badly, but felt like I couldn't have it unless I did certain things on my end to make myself good enough to have it...somewhere along the lines, wires got crossed. I didn't mean for this to happen...

I don't mean to sound argumentative and I'm really not trying to. Just giving all the details I can so the picture can be as clear as possible.

 

[~Zao~]

I can relate a lot to the cult-like experience and the feeling of wasted years but in reality nothing is wasted with God. When I felt like I had missed the mark in His calling it turned out that He had reminded of that disobedience so as to lead me along that old road in a new way. And a more complete way.
I agree with God’sGrace that a lot more of rolling with the flow is needed than regrets. Move with God rather than against Him. Looking to self rather than to God isn’t biblical for starters.

 

[Emerald518]

I can relate a lot to the cult-like experience and the feeling of wasted years but in reality nothing is wasted with God. When I felt like I had missed the mark in His calling it turned out that He had reminded of that disobedience so as to lead me along that old road in a new way. And a more complete way.
I agree with God’sGrace that a lot more of rolling with the flow is needed than regrets. Move with God rather than against Him. Looking to self rather than to God isn’t biblical for starters.

If you don't mind, would you be willing to divulge a little bit more detail?

 

[~Zao~]

If you don't mind, would you be willing to divulge a little bit more detail?

I’m still going thru it actually. I feel that I’m being called to alone time with Him, but I’m habitually on here. Then I recently clearly heard Him say to me “Just do what you want” with a chuckle in His voice. I know that I’m choosing second best but also He’s been taking old nature talents for His own use. For instance I used to be an AA speaker and sponsored many people. There’s both sides of loving God and loving others. I think I’m learning a balance there. That’s a move with God but a reconstruction from where I was.
I still feel guilty about not taking the time to be with Him alone, so that’s something I’m trying desperately to work on. When I completely obey Him He donors me with so much insight in dreams and that sort of thing. We I half obey I still have the feeling He is very near, but waiting to see if I will indeed enter His rest. What I’m not sure of is how long He will wait.
That’s more than I’ve ever shared with anyone. As an AA speaker we’re told to stick with the program and that’s what I’m suggesting to you. Believe God at His word as to who you are in Him and lean not to your own understanding. And He shall direct your path.

 

[~Zao~]

There was/is also a great deal of healing associated with that area too so I think that God is addressing that also right now. That too was affecting my perception of Him that reflected onto myself. Guilt is something that we have done, shame is something placed on ourselves from others. A reminder to myself from those AA days