- Nov 27, 2023
- 15
- 12
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Baptist
- Marital Status
- Single
Everything kinda started last year. To make a long story short, I had a fictional story I enjoyed writing, but I had a bit of an anxious episode (I feel weird even calling it that, because it makes me feel like a fraud) where I thought that God told me to stop writing it and begin a new story. I obeyed that “command”, but everything kinda went downhill once I became unhappy with the new story and wanted to go back to the old one.
But the thought that my relationship with God was in danger if I didn’t write the new story kept coming to me, and I believed that I had no freedom to write what I wanted, because if I did, then I wasn’t fully surrendering to God. The thoughts branched out into other areas of my life, too. The demands from “God” just became more and more micro-managing, until I was convinced that celebrating Christmas, saying “I swear”, and consuming non-religious books/movies were heinous sins (only for me, though, not for anyone else). I also developed a habit of saying a very repetitive prayer every time I woke up at night/in the morning to make sure I pleased God. One time, I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst leg cramp I’d ever felt and thought that it meant God wanted to hurt me.
I also kinda started to develop some health-related anxiety, I think. I started to have chest pain (presumably from my constant anxiety) and thought that it meant I was going to die in my sleep at some point. I started doing the same workout video every night because I thought that doing so would keep me from dying in my sleep. I remember a part in the video where the instructor said, “I know it burns right now”, and every time she said it, I had the exact same thought, which was “Better to burn right now than to burn in hell for eternity.”
I thought the worst of it was over in January of this year, because I found a YouTube channel talking about these things, related to it, and thought that I was in the clear. But then some major things happened in my personal life, and now I feel like I’m no better off than before. I started trying to confront fear by doing things that scared me (writing stories I enjoy, not putting pressure on myself to be constantly productive, allowing myself to slow down and enjoy life), but now everything that I thought I’d gotten over is coming back in full force. I’m finding it difficult to write, despite constant reassurance that writing stories I enjoy isn’t a sin. Every tiny ache and sensation in my body is a sign that I have some terrible disease that will kill me if I leave it alone. Every time I start to gain happiness from something that isn’t church or God, I have to stop and pray to God because I’m idolizing the thing making me happy. And, honestly, that just takes away the pleasure of being with God, because in my head he just becomes a killjoy rather than the creator of joy itself. (I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m bashing God— I’m not trying to, I’m just trying to be honest.)
At the same time, though, I wonder if I’m just faking all of this. I mean, I don’t think I am, but I also feel like a fraud because I don’t really have compulsions. I definitely have obsessions, and I’ve heard that repeatedly praying the same prayer is a compulsion, but I still have this deep-rooted feeling of “that’s not a real compulsion. A real compulsion would be something physical that other people can see.” I also really don’t want to self-diagnose, because I haven’t seen any mental health professionals, and I don’t want to be one of those people who just diagnoses themselves. I also don’t know what could have caused this, as I’ve grown up in a very supportive/loving Christian family, and I’ve never really had a bad church experience. Also, I guess I’m afraid to say that I have scrupulously, just because my experience isn’t as bad/extreme as some of the others I’ve seen.
Anyway, sorry for the ramble, I just feel like I need some clarity on this, and I’m afraid to talk to people in person about it for fear of seeming annoying/attention seeking.
But the thought that my relationship with God was in danger if I didn’t write the new story kept coming to me, and I believed that I had no freedom to write what I wanted, because if I did, then I wasn’t fully surrendering to God. The thoughts branched out into other areas of my life, too. The demands from “God” just became more and more micro-managing, until I was convinced that celebrating Christmas, saying “I swear”, and consuming non-religious books/movies were heinous sins (only for me, though, not for anyone else). I also developed a habit of saying a very repetitive prayer every time I woke up at night/in the morning to make sure I pleased God. One time, I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst leg cramp I’d ever felt and thought that it meant God wanted to hurt me.
I also kinda started to develop some health-related anxiety, I think. I started to have chest pain (presumably from my constant anxiety) and thought that it meant I was going to die in my sleep at some point. I started doing the same workout video every night because I thought that doing so would keep me from dying in my sleep. I remember a part in the video where the instructor said, “I know it burns right now”, and every time she said it, I had the exact same thought, which was “Better to burn right now than to burn in hell for eternity.”
I thought the worst of it was over in January of this year, because I found a YouTube channel talking about these things, related to it, and thought that I was in the clear. But then some major things happened in my personal life, and now I feel like I’m no better off than before. I started trying to confront fear by doing things that scared me (writing stories I enjoy, not putting pressure on myself to be constantly productive, allowing myself to slow down and enjoy life), but now everything that I thought I’d gotten over is coming back in full force. I’m finding it difficult to write, despite constant reassurance that writing stories I enjoy isn’t a sin. Every tiny ache and sensation in my body is a sign that I have some terrible disease that will kill me if I leave it alone. Every time I start to gain happiness from something that isn’t church or God, I have to stop and pray to God because I’m idolizing the thing making me happy. And, honestly, that just takes away the pleasure of being with God, because in my head he just becomes a killjoy rather than the creator of joy itself. (I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m bashing God— I’m not trying to, I’m just trying to be honest.)
At the same time, though, I wonder if I’m just faking all of this. I mean, I don’t think I am, but I also feel like a fraud because I don’t really have compulsions. I definitely have obsessions, and I’ve heard that repeatedly praying the same prayer is a compulsion, but I still have this deep-rooted feeling of “that’s not a real compulsion. A real compulsion would be something physical that other people can see.” I also really don’t want to self-diagnose, because I haven’t seen any mental health professionals, and I don’t want to be one of those people who just diagnoses themselves. I also don’t know what could have caused this, as I’ve grown up in a very supportive/loving Christian family, and I’ve never really had a bad church experience. Also, I guess I’m afraid to say that I have scrupulously, just because my experience isn’t as bad/extreme as some of the others I’ve seen.
Anyway, sorry for the ramble, I just feel like I need some clarity on this, and I’m afraid to talk to people in person about it for fear of seeming annoying/attention seeking.
