I think human love is highly overrated

[Ana the Ist]

They teach that love is action, not feelings. Meeting the needs of others; service. Communicating in their "love language".


It's a problem because there may be someone more suited to you (or someone that God prefers you marry), but that you didn't "flip" for. You end up with a sub-optimal choice.


I don't think it's "rightly so". Love may be essential, but I'm trying to distinguish between love and feelings. There have been an uncountable number of successful marriages (by some definition of "successful") that did not include feelings.


Then there are the well-off who make sure their kids only get involved with the "right people".


I have looked at the top reasons for divorce. Depending upon where you look, infidelity is often at the top of the list. I addressed this in the OP. If you're depending on feelings, then if those feelings stop for your spouse you're bound to look elsewhere. Or you might develop even stronger feelings for someone you're not married to. In either case, infidelity can easily follow.



Mostly along the lines of compatibility. There are many parts to that.


True enough. Nor can you make yourself love someone. (Again, talking about feelings; you can certainly perform acts of love for someone.)


You keep conflating love with feelings. I'm trying to distinguish between them.


Yes, it is worth trying to hold on to. But the numbers indicate that in many cases this is a losing proposition.

No offense, but I don't really understand what you mean here. Love is an emotion. One can do things because of the love they feel...or they can express their love through actions...but love isn't an action in my understanding.

Perhaps you can give me an example of what you mean? Please, take care not to simply give me an action done because of love...that's still just love as an emotion.

I'll gladly respond to the rest...but I think this needs clarification first.

 

[dysert]

No offense, but I don't really understand what you mean here. Love is an emotion. One can do things because of the love they feel...or they can express their love through actions...but love isn't an action in my understanding.

Perhaps you can give me an example of what you mean? Please, take care not to simply give me an action done because of love...that's still just love as an emotion.

I'll gladly respond to the rest...but I think this needs clarification first.

No offense taken. You've said what I was trying to explain early in the OP. There is an aspect of human love that may be emotional, but that's the part that's "dangerous". It's when you act on how you feel instead of acting based on what's right.

As an example, I may become infatuated with a beautiful woman. If I act on what I feel I will end up acting immorally. Or let's say my feelings for my wife fade. I may then act on starting divorce proceedings.

I'm saying that our behaviors should be based on truth and an absolute standard and not on our feelings du jour.

 

[Ana the Ist]

No offense taken. You've said what I was trying to explain early in the OP. There is an aspect of human love that may be emotional, but that's the part that's "dangerous". It's when you act on how you feel instead of acting based on what's right.

As an example, I may become infatuated with a beautiful woman. If I act on what I feel I will end up acting immorally. Or let's say my feelings for my wife fade. I may then act on starting divorce proceedings.

I'm saying that our behaviors should be based on truth and an absolute standard and not on our feelings du jour.

On most things...I would actually agree that people rely entirely too much upon their emotions and are led by them to poor choices/beliefs. It's something that I've actually tried to explain many different ways under many different arguments on this forum alone.

When it comes to relationships though...one needs to consider emotions as a priority in my opinion. It has to do with some very fundamental aspects of interpersonal relationships themselves. That said...

There's no reason why you cannot decide to marry a woman for all sorts of things other than love. It could be for financial security, for intellectual fulfillment, because she's a good christian....etc. None of those things guarantee happiness though. You need only look as far as the married section right here to see that. That's why I believe that real enduring love is essential to one's happiness in marriage.

 

[dysert]

None of those things guarantee happiness though.

That's for sure. I don't know much about happiness, but I don't think *anything* guarantees happiness. "Real enduring love" (meaning feelings) probably comes close, but to possess such a thing is I think a rare accomplishment.

 

[mama2one]

In my experience, you can’t make yourself love someone

I don't think love is all about feelings and do think one can make yourself love someone

we adopted a child and husband and I love her so much
we can't imagine our life without her

but also know that sometimes bonding/attachment can be difficult but there are websites devoted to achieving the connection
(just throwing above in as proof people can "make yourself love someone")

so it is with married couples
if the "spark" has gone out, married couples have and can get it back, they can make themselves love each other
as there are only 3 things that last...faith, hope, and love

are couple always going to be holding hands and making wild passionately love as in the movies which leads to such expectations....probably not

I love my husband and he says he loves me
but I don't see "feelings" as the basis for our marriage

we married in church and both believe in commitment
we have ups and downs just like anyone else but we know we are together for better or worse, in sickness and health, til death shall we part

 

[dysert]

In my experience, you can’t make yourself love someone.

I don't think love is all about feelings and do think one can make yourself love someone

we adopted a child and husband and I love her so much
we can't imagine our life without her

but also know that sometimes bonding/attachment can be difficult but there are websites devoted to achieving the connection
(just throwing above in as proof people can "make yourself love someone")

so it is with married couples
if the "spark" has gone out, married couples have and can get it back, they can make themselves love each other
as there are only 3 things that last...faith, hope, and love

are couple always going to be holding hands and making wild passionately love as in the movies which leads to such expectations....probably not

I love my husband and he says he loves me
but I don't see "feelings" as the basis for our marriage

we married in church and both believe in commitment
we have ups and downs just like anyone else but we know we are together for better or worse, in sickness and health, til death shall we part

I guess I should have caveated my statement with "ymmv" ;-).

 

[mama2one]

I guess I should have caveated my statement with "ymmv" ;-).

I do think marriage is hard often
and I have thought of divorce once or twice (even tho am against it, but that's because sometimes, it is SO hard)

 

[dysert]

I do think marriage is hard often
and I have thought of divorce once or twice (even tho am against it, but that's because sometimes, it is SO hard)

Plus, it does take two to tango. And if only one of you has on dancing shoes...

 

[mama2one]

hard to love another person day in, day out, year after year
because we ourselves are so imperfect

 

[Dave-W]

In my experience, you can’t make yourself love someone.

That sounds like a good idea for a song.

Oh - wait, it has been done already.

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't​

 

[dysert]

That sounds like a good idea for a song.

Oh - wait, it has been done already.

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't​

There are a few songs with that theme. Can I think of them right now? Of course not. But hey, if the sentiment is expressed in song it's gotta be true, right?

 

[tall73]

It is not overrated. It is under-experienced.

I don' think passionate love is the heart of a marriage, and marriages can still be beneficial for reasons apart from it. But it is still great when you have it.

The initial, almost giddy, infatuation stage is designed to bond. Sometimes in that phase you can think of little else. It doesn't last (fortunately, society would get little done if it did). But you can continue to have passionate love, in addition to the other aspects of love within marriage. I still feel passionate affection for my wife, decades in, and we value that connection. We also foster it. It may ebb and flow, but if your marriage consistently includes passionate love, you don't usually call it over rated.

There is no doubt marriage can be hard. But passionate love can still remain throughout those hard times. And if it is not happening, it is worth talking about to try to resolve.

If on the other than someone is just not wired for strong emotion in general, it may then be less important to them. I think most folks have the capacity for strong emotional connection.

 

[tall73]

There are problems with love being feelings based. For one thing, it drastically limits who you tend to get romantically involved with. What’s the first question a friend asks you when you tell them you’re thinking of becoming engaged? “Do you love her?” Meaning, do you have romantic feelings for her.

Of course it hasn’t always been this way, and for many cultures it still isn’t. Marriages were arranged by the parents based on more objective criteria than some ephemeral, subjective feeling that overtakes two people at the same time.

I do agree that it is best to make certain before marriage that the decision is based on many practical factors apart from romance. And since infatuation can cloud judgment, it is good to get other opinions, and be very clear what your criteria are for considering someone for marriage.

However, love can often develop even in arranged marriages, and it certainly makes the overall relationship easier when you really like being with each other.