Dear brothers and sisters,
may God bless you all. I introduce myself here, I have been searching the net for a Christian forum where to post this request. I write from Europe and please forgive me if I make mistakes in writing in English. I apologize for being long, but my story is complicated, and maybe I need advices and not simply prayers. I am a separated woman of 40. My separation happened 4 yrs ago and it was painful. I have made big mistakes and I have suffered a whole lot. Now I live alone with my youngest child who is 7. Money is tight. Loneliness is difficult to bear. I went back to the church three months ago ( I accepted Christ as my Lord and Saviour ten years ago. But life made me abandon the church. I have fully paid this choice, with an incredible amount of mistakes and suffering) and I am trying my best to put things right. But I am full of wounds and the last one has been the final straw. While writing I am crying my eyes out. I am still new to the church even if I attend it regularly three times a week. But I confided just in one sister or two. In moments like now, when the pain seems to literally eat my heart, I feel desperately alone. I need the support of my brothers and sisters. I am frail, I do not want to do other mistakes because of my weakness and disappoint again the Lord.
This is my last wound.
About one year ago, I meet this man. I was out of a very particular situation-another wound. He knew it. He was separated like me, two children, like me, he seemed to look for a serious commitment in a relationship, like me. It was beautiful. He had a sort of a rush in doing things: he wanted to meet our children, he gave me a ring, he phoned three times a day, he seemed so in love. I needed so much to love and be loved, I felt so happy! He worked as a ....I do not know the word, he is an informatic, he follows the servers of big firms here. Last Christmas he told me: your PC is old, give it to me so I enlarge your memory and I put some music in it. I said okay, of course. A bit after that,his temper tantrums started, apparently with no reason. He started not answering the phone for three days if I said a word "not opportune". He scolded me violently in front of the children ( we did not live together but we saw each other often) because I spilled some wine or I did not cook properly, or because I did not wash properly the dishes in his opinion. He sent me to do the shopping in his town ( which was a different one from mine) but I got lost and he scolded me. But it was not my town, it was a big town and is not so easy by car without gps.He was jealous of people who did not mean anything to me. I was already in love and I tried my best to save the relationship. It gave him the occasion to humiliate me in many different ways. I am ashamed of many things I did. I have been so stupid. After the last row, I had an illumination( I already suspected that). I brought my PC to a technical and he found TWO differet kinds of spyware, two programs for spying everything on my pc : the first one which sent somewhere by mail everything I digitated on the keyboard, and a second one to send any document in the documents section.
I went to confront him with the report in my hands. I felt so weak and sad, i was not able to drive but I went. I told him: you have two children like me! I do not want to report you to the police, explain this to me, apologize, reassure me you will not use these information and it will be enough for me. He laughed in my face. He told me I was crazy, he told me I was a weak and confused person and that I pretended to be christian but I did not know who I was and what to choose. He shouted "Do you understand or not that I do not care anything about you! You mean nothing to me!"
I went home in tears. I was in a sort of blackout for two weeks. Then my brother warned me against not reporting him. In fact there was an incredible amount of sensible info about my whole life in the pc: my diary, my emails. He had the password of the bank, of the phone, of the emails, of MSN. Everything.
I felt completely betrayed and in the same time so guilty. I thought it was my fault, that clearly he was right in putting me under control because I was unreliable and I demostrated it, that clearly I had disgusted him or something I had written. But I also suffered so much and I understood I could not stay without the Lord anymore. I was really like the prodigal son, I had been eating the food of pigs for too long. I went back to the church and asked the pastor what to do. He advised me to report him to the police which I did.
But I still wonder: was it my fault? Why have I been rejected so much? It must be beacuse of me. Have I lost the only true love of my life? Why do I miss him so much even if he was cruel to me? Am I no more able to reason properly? I feel so sad. So wounded. So alone. I am trying my best to put the Lord first. I have been asking Him : please do me justice. You are my justice. Will He listen to me? Will He answer me? I feel so alone and so betrayed and so sad. Please pray if you can. Thank you..................
may God bless you all. I introduce myself here, I have been searching the net for a Christian forum where to post this request. I write from Europe and please forgive me if I make mistakes in writing in English. I apologize for being long, but my story is complicated, and maybe I need advices and not simply prayers. I am a separated woman of 40. My separation happened 4 yrs ago and it was painful. I have made big mistakes and I have suffered a whole lot. Now I live alone with my youngest child who is 7. Money is tight. Loneliness is difficult to bear. I went back to the church three months ago ( I accepted Christ as my Lord and Saviour ten years ago. But life made me abandon the church. I have fully paid this choice, with an incredible amount of mistakes and suffering) and I am trying my best to put things right. But I am full of wounds and the last one has been the final straw. While writing I am crying my eyes out. I am still new to the church even if I attend it regularly three times a week. But I confided just in one sister or two. In moments like now, when the pain seems to literally eat my heart, I feel desperately alone. I need the support of my brothers and sisters. I am frail, I do not want to do other mistakes because of my weakness and disappoint again the Lord.
This is my last wound.
About one year ago, I meet this man. I was out of a very particular situation-another wound. He knew it. He was separated like me, two children, like me, he seemed to look for a serious commitment in a relationship, like me. It was beautiful. He had a sort of a rush in doing things: he wanted to meet our children, he gave me a ring, he phoned three times a day, he seemed so in love. I needed so much to love and be loved, I felt so happy! He worked as a ....I do not know the word, he is an informatic, he follows the servers of big firms here. Last Christmas he told me: your PC is old, give it to me so I enlarge your memory and I put some music in it. I said okay, of course. A bit after that,his temper tantrums started, apparently with no reason. He started not answering the phone for three days if I said a word "not opportune". He scolded me violently in front of the children ( we did not live together but we saw each other often) because I spilled some wine or I did not cook properly, or because I did not wash properly the dishes in his opinion. He sent me to do the shopping in his town ( which was a different one from mine) but I got lost and he scolded me. But it was not my town, it was a big town and is not so easy by car without gps.He was jealous of people who did not mean anything to me. I was already in love and I tried my best to save the relationship. It gave him the occasion to humiliate me in many different ways. I am ashamed of many things I did. I have been so stupid. After the last row, I had an illumination( I already suspected that). I brought my PC to a technical and he found TWO differet kinds of spyware, two programs for spying everything on my pc : the first one which sent somewhere by mail everything I digitated on the keyboard, and a second one to send any document in the documents section.
I went to confront him with the report in my hands. I felt so weak and sad, i was not able to drive but I went. I told him: you have two children like me! I do not want to report you to the police, explain this to me, apologize, reassure me you will not use these information and it will be enough for me. He laughed in my face. He told me I was crazy, he told me I was a weak and confused person and that I pretended to be christian but I did not know who I was and what to choose. He shouted "Do you understand or not that I do not care anything about you! You mean nothing to me!"
I went home in tears. I was in a sort of blackout for two weeks. Then my brother warned me against not reporting him. In fact there was an incredible amount of sensible info about my whole life in the pc: my diary, my emails. He had the password of the bank, of the phone, of the emails, of MSN. Everything.
I felt completely betrayed and in the same time so guilty. I thought it was my fault, that clearly he was right in putting me under control because I was unreliable and I demostrated it, that clearly I had disgusted him or something I had written. But I also suffered so much and I understood I could not stay without the Lord anymore. I was really like the prodigal son, I had been eating the food of pigs for too long. I went back to the church and asked the pastor what to do. He advised me to report him to the police which I did.
But I still wonder: was it my fault? Why have I been rejected so much? It must be beacuse of me. Have I lost the only true love of my life? Why do I miss him so much even if he was cruel to me? Am I no more able to reason properly? I feel so sad. So wounded. So alone. I am trying my best to put the Lord first. I have been asking Him : please do me justice. You are my justice. Will He listen to me? Will He answer me? I feel so alone and so betrayed and so sad. Please pray if you can. Thank you..................
