DISCLAIMER: I am not blaming or judging anybody; all I am doing is being honest based on my past experiences from my own life in regards to my experience with mainstream Christian culture and going to church. I am not making generalizations because again, I am speaking from past experience in my own life in regards to going to church and the experiences I've had with mainstream Christian culture. This is preemptive and here for the sake of clarification in regards to the post that follows.
I have relocated to a new state, so I'm basically 'starting from scratch' for lack of a better term, because it's a new area that I have recently relocated to, so I'm not established yet (in regards to finding a church, making friendships, social networks/support systems, etc.)
I realize and understand how important it is to go to church in regards to your walk with God and relationship with Him. However I have become so disgusted and fed up with mainstream Christian culture, that I see no point in doing so. I managed to find a church where I used to live; initially when I was looking for a church where I used to live, I was looking for a church that reminded me of the church I went to beforehand, because I loved that church, so I thought it was what I was looking for. I didn't realize until I attended the church, that the longer I attended it the more frustrated, sad, and angry I became attending it. I didn't realize this was how I felt in general with it, until I relocated and stopped attending. I am not saying it was all bad; I developed some 'friendships' there, but even with those friendships and 'fellowship' with the interaction I had with these friends, I was still frustrated (I will extrapolate on this later in the post)
The reasons I see no point in going to a new church and why I am fed up with mainstream contemporary Christian culture as a whole are....
*I heard incessantly in my old church how important it was to do your walk with God together and do life together in regards to fellowship. However fellowship only happened with church-oriented events (church on Sundays and occasional church functions) and at weekly small group (i.e. a Bible study that also included prayer); fellowship in real life outside of church-related stuff was non-existent. I think fellowship should start from these things, but I don't believe it should only be relegated to church-related stuff; I think it should start there, and branch out from there into real life.
*One-sided friendships. As said before, in the church I previously attended where I used to live before I relocated, I developed some 'friendships'. However it was extremely frustrating to me because I basically ended up doing all the work in them. I was the one always initiating with contact, and if I didn't initiate with contact, I never heard from them. I thought real friendships were supposed to be a two-way street, where the other friend also reciprocated with initiating with contact; however I never saw this happening. Different people feel loved in different ways and to me, if you can't take 5 minutes out your schedule to initiate with contact, then I don't think you care about me as a person or my life. Yes, I realize that people are busy and have their own lives; however I am not asking for the friendship I have with them to completely monopolize their lives. If they made a semi-consistent effort with initiating with communicating that would suffice for me; however I didn't even see them doing that much. Yet at the same time it frustrates me, when I hear 'well people are busy they have other priorities'; to me that is just an excuse to be complacent because if a friendship matters to you and you claim to care about the person like you say you do, you're going to make time for them, make time for the friendship, and at least attempt to make an effort.
*Mainstream Christian culture and contemporary Christian churches are monopolized by married couples and/or married Christians with families. By this I mean, the church caters to married couples and/or those with families. There are tons of resources and programs targeted specifically for them; there are a myriad of sermons preached that are geared towards this audience. It's great if you fall under either of these 'categories' (for lack of a better term), however if you're single it sucks. At the church I went to, they catered exclusively to married couples and/or those with families; there was nothing for singles. So it basically seemed like I was being treated as invisible because I was single, and was being marginalized because I wasn't married. Even in churches that do have programs for singles, I still sense this attitude of and stigma towards being single from the church as a whole. By this I mean, I have received the attitude/perspective of (in regards to Christians having married couples) 'well they are busy and have other priorities, so yes you'll be on the back burner'. To me, whether intentional or not, it basically comes off as 'you're single, so you don't deserve my time and you don't matter' essentially it comes off as being slighted. This is extremely frustrating to me, because it basically comes off as, you don't matter and are inferior cause you're single. Shortly before I relocated (it was the last time I attended the church before I moved) my church announced they were starting a new ministry, and of course, it was geared towards families. I don't have a problem with support systems/ministry for married Christians and/or Christians with families. However, when all the programs being developed are exclusively geared towards that audience, it is very frustrating, and aggravates me; namely because it's like singles are marginalized and their needs aren't acknowledged and/or there is this attitude that because they're singles they don't have needs. If it is acknowledged by the mainstream Christian culture and the contemporary Christian church, quite frankly I don't see anything really being done to address those needs.
*Selfish serving. I received help from Christians from the small group I went to; I was grateful for it and appreciated it. I am not denying that they helped me and served me; I am acknowledging this plain-as-day. However, despite them helping me, I still only saw it happening when it was convenient for them. I've seen incessantly in the church this attitude of 'just take a few hours out of your schedule to serve' and it seems the majority of the time, that Christians only seem to serve when it's convenient for them; I'll serve you if it doesn't interfere with my schedule, my life and/or my priorities. This is very frustrating to me, because if that is how you're going to serve, why bother doing so? Real serving and real ministry a lot of times will require sacrifice, so if you're going to be that selfish about doing so, it completely defeats the purpose of serving in the first place. What makes it even more irritating is half the time it gets flipped back on me; they just assume I serve like that too, or that because I choose to be discreet and not divulge on how I've served, it means I haven't at all. I am not perfect by any means; however the majority of the time when I have served, it wasn't convenient for me and when I served, I did so when it was difficult for me. I am not being conceited when I say this, I am just being in honest. Another thing I've noticed with serving is this philosophy of 'serve doing what you like, where your passions are'. On the one hand I can understand serving using the natural abilities and gifts God has given you, because you will naturally be more effective in serving; there is also nothing inherently wrong with serving and enjoying doing so because it utilizes doing stuff you enjoy. However on the other hand, it comes off as 'if you don't enjoy doing it, you shouldn't serve that way'; that is extremely frustrating to me and very selfish and shallow way of serving because a lot of the time you're not going to get to serve how you want, and you're not going to get to serve how you want, because serving requires sacrifice, and what I just described are ways of sacrifice with serving.
*Being judged and attacked for being real about your problems. By this I mean, I've had it happen incessantly of Christians think or notice something is wrong, so they ask what is wrong. Then you tell them, and because it's not happy and nice like they want to hear, you get accused of whining/complaining and/or being negative if when you describe the problems it is pain, sorrow, and/or frustration. So it's like if you are real about your life and it involves pain and sorrow or other 'unpleasant' things, you can't really divulge about it or you'll just get brushed off, judged, and/or attacked. Either that or you get the comparison game; that is if somebody else has it worse off, your problems and life are inferior as a result, and basically don't matter cause somebody else has it worse off. You're supposed to be able to confide in the body of Christ; the Bible says to bare one another's burdens and to mourn when another mourns. However, it's like it's taboo to do this if it's not nice and/or happy with the experiences I've had in regards to this. I have a lot of flaws and am far from perfect; I have loads of issues, I'm not denying this. However, I don't act like this; yes I struggle with sins and have my weak spots but this isn't an area I have problems with; I am not being arrogant and/or conceited I am merely being honest.
*Not helping in tangible ways. I truly understand that Christians and people in general have their own lives and problems. However it frustrates me when a Christian asks 'how can I help' and 90% of the time, the answer is a.why don't you try 'x, y, and z' (i.e. offer advice) or b.I'll pray for you. There is nothing wrong with either of these, and I understand how important prayer is; I'm not mitigating the importance of prayer. However there are times when these things, just quite frankly, aren't enough. This is merely a hypothetical situation but if a person has to choose between paying for groceries and paying rent cause they don't have enough money to do either, then saying 'I'll pray for you' or offering advice isn't going to help; the person needs help in a real and realistic way. If you're not helping a person the way the person or persons need help, or you're not even attempting to help them in a real way, you're not helping them. I don't mean to come off as harsh and/or rude with the last statement, that is not my intent at all, and I apologize if it comes off that way, but it's true.
*Superficial love. I don't expect Christians to be perfect at all with love; I get how selfish and flawed human love is. However I've encountered this attitude of 'I'll help you if you act and think like x y and z, if you don't think and act like how I want you to, you don't deserve my time, help, love attention'. This makes my blood boil; to me acting like that is just pure arrogance. I don't expect perfect love, as stated above. However we are supposed to emulate the love of Christ, and would Christ act like that with love?! No, he wouldn't and that is what makes me so angry about it. On top of that the only thing I really expect with love, is I just 'expect' Christians to make an effort with loving how Christ does, I get accused of having unrealistic expectations and/or 'I'm judging them'. This infuriates me, because that is essentially what Christ wants us to do, is to make an effort to love like he does; when a pastor says this, or it's in a Bible study it's fine. However, if I address it, then I get attacked or treated like dung for having the audacity to do so.
In conclusion I addressed these issues cause they are all what I see as major issues in the church. Most Christians don't seem willing to address them because it seems that not offending people, is more important. I am addressing them because very few others are willing to do so. They think that by treating them like they don't exist it will just make them go away; in reality it's just going to make these problems worse. I get the church is full of flawed and broken people, I truly do. However I don't even see the contemporary church even making an attempt to address these issues, which is what angers and hurts me.
I am tired of being treated like I don't exist; to me it seems like I don't matter at all. The reasons above are why I am reluctant to go to church. The previous church I was in has left a very sour taste in my mouth. I am reluctant to go to a new church, because real friendships and real fellowship seems impossible based on the experiences I've had with the other church I went to.
I have relocated to a new state, so I'm basically 'starting from scratch' for lack of a better term, because it's a new area that I have recently relocated to, so I'm not established yet (in regards to finding a church, making friendships, social networks/support systems, etc.)
I realize and understand how important it is to go to church in regards to your walk with God and relationship with Him. However I have become so disgusted and fed up with mainstream Christian culture, that I see no point in doing so. I managed to find a church where I used to live; initially when I was looking for a church where I used to live, I was looking for a church that reminded me of the church I went to beforehand, because I loved that church, so I thought it was what I was looking for. I didn't realize until I attended the church, that the longer I attended it the more frustrated, sad, and angry I became attending it. I didn't realize this was how I felt in general with it, until I relocated and stopped attending. I am not saying it was all bad; I developed some 'friendships' there, but even with those friendships and 'fellowship' with the interaction I had with these friends, I was still frustrated (I will extrapolate on this later in the post)
The reasons I see no point in going to a new church and why I am fed up with mainstream contemporary Christian culture as a whole are....
*I heard incessantly in my old church how important it was to do your walk with God together and do life together in regards to fellowship. However fellowship only happened with church-oriented events (church on Sundays and occasional church functions) and at weekly small group (i.e. a Bible study that also included prayer); fellowship in real life outside of church-related stuff was non-existent. I think fellowship should start from these things, but I don't believe it should only be relegated to church-related stuff; I think it should start there, and branch out from there into real life.
*One-sided friendships. As said before, in the church I previously attended where I used to live before I relocated, I developed some 'friendships'. However it was extremely frustrating to me because I basically ended up doing all the work in them. I was the one always initiating with contact, and if I didn't initiate with contact, I never heard from them. I thought real friendships were supposed to be a two-way street, where the other friend also reciprocated with initiating with contact; however I never saw this happening. Different people feel loved in different ways and to me, if you can't take 5 minutes out your schedule to initiate with contact, then I don't think you care about me as a person or my life. Yes, I realize that people are busy and have their own lives; however I am not asking for the friendship I have with them to completely monopolize their lives. If they made a semi-consistent effort with initiating with communicating that would suffice for me; however I didn't even see them doing that much. Yet at the same time it frustrates me, when I hear 'well people are busy they have other priorities'; to me that is just an excuse to be complacent because if a friendship matters to you and you claim to care about the person like you say you do, you're going to make time for them, make time for the friendship, and at least attempt to make an effort.
*Mainstream Christian culture and contemporary Christian churches are monopolized by married couples and/or married Christians with families. By this I mean, the church caters to married couples and/or those with families. There are tons of resources and programs targeted specifically for them; there are a myriad of sermons preached that are geared towards this audience. It's great if you fall under either of these 'categories' (for lack of a better term), however if you're single it sucks. At the church I went to, they catered exclusively to married couples and/or those with families; there was nothing for singles. So it basically seemed like I was being treated as invisible because I was single, and was being marginalized because I wasn't married. Even in churches that do have programs for singles, I still sense this attitude of and stigma towards being single from the church as a whole. By this I mean, I have received the attitude/perspective of (in regards to Christians having married couples) 'well they are busy and have other priorities, so yes you'll be on the back burner'. To me, whether intentional or not, it basically comes off as 'you're single, so you don't deserve my time and you don't matter' essentially it comes off as being slighted. This is extremely frustrating to me, because it basically comes off as, you don't matter and are inferior cause you're single. Shortly before I relocated (it was the last time I attended the church before I moved) my church announced they were starting a new ministry, and of course, it was geared towards families. I don't have a problem with support systems/ministry for married Christians and/or Christians with families. However, when all the programs being developed are exclusively geared towards that audience, it is very frustrating, and aggravates me; namely because it's like singles are marginalized and their needs aren't acknowledged and/or there is this attitude that because they're singles they don't have needs. If it is acknowledged by the mainstream Christian culture and the contemporary Christian church, quite frankly I don't see anything really being done to address those needs.
*Selfish serving. I received help from Christians from the small group I went to; I was grateful for it and appreciated it. I am not denying that they helped me and served me; I am acknowledging this plain-as-day. However, despite them helping me, I still only saw it happening when it was convenient for them. I've seen incessantly in the church this attitude of 'just take a few hours out of your schedule to serve' and it seems the majority of the time, that Christians only seem to serve when it's convenient for them; I'll serve you if it doesn't interfere with my schedule, my life and/or my priorities. This is very frustrating to me, because if that is how you're going to serve, why bother doing so? Real serving and real ministry a lot of times will require sacrifice, so if you're going to be that selfish about doing so, it completely defeats the purpose of serving in the first place. What makes it even more irritating is half the time it gets flipped back on me; they just assume I serve like that too, or that because I choose to be discreet and not divulge on how I've served, it means I haven't at all. I am not perfect by any means; however the majority of the time when I have served, it wasn't convenient for me and when I served, I did so when it was difficult for me. I am not being conceited when I say this, I am just being in honest. Another thing I've noticed with serving is this philosophy of 'serve doing what you like, where your passions are'. On the one hand I can understand serving using the natural abilities and gifts God has given you, because you will naturally be more effective in serving; there is also nothing inherently wrong with serving and enjoying doing so because it utilizes doing stuff you enjoy. However on the other hand, it comes off as 'if you don't enjoy doing it, you shouldn't serve that way'; that is extremely frustrating to me and very selfish and shallow way of serving because a lot of the time you're not going to get to serve how you want, and you're not going to get to serve how you want, because serving requires sacrifice, and what I just described are ways of sacrifice with serving.
*Being judged and attacked for being real about your problems. By this I mean, I've had it happen incessantly of Christians think or notice something is wrong, so they ask what is wrong. Then you tell them, and because it's not happy and nice like they want to hear, you get accused of whining/complaining and/or being negative if when you describe the problems it is pain, sorrow, and/or frustration. So it's like if you are real about your life and it involves pain and sorrow or other 'unpleasant' things, you can't really divulge about it or you'll just get brushed off, judged, and/or attacked. Either that or you get the comparison game; that is if somebody else has it worse off, your problems and life are inferior as a result, and basically don't matter cause somebody else has it worse off. You're supposed to be able to confide in the body of Christ; the Bible says to bare one another's burdens and to mourn when another mourns. However, it's like it's taboo to do this if it's not nice and/or happy with the experiences I've had in regards to this. I have a lot of flaws and am far from perfect; I have loads of issues, I'm not denying this. However, I don't act like this; yes I struggle with sins and have my weak spots but this isn't an area I have problems with; I am not being arrogant and/or conceited I am merely being honest.
*Not helping in tangible ways. I truly understand that Christians and people in general have their own lives and problems. However it frustrates me when a Christian asks 'how can I help' and 90% of the time, the answer is a.why don't you try 'x, y, and z' (i.e. offer advice) or b.I'll pray for you. There is nothing wrong with either of these, and I understand how important prayer is; I'm not mitigating the importance of prayer. However there are times when these things, just quite frankly, aren't enough. This is merely a hypothetical situation but if a person has to choose between paying for groceries and paying rent cause they don't have enough money to do either, then saying 'I'll pray for you' or offering advice isn't going to help; the person needs help in a real and realistic way. If you're not helping a person the way the person or persons need help, or you're not even attempting to help them in a real way, you're not helping them. I don't mean to come off as harsh and/or rude with the last statement, that is not my intent at all, and I apologize if it comes off that way, but it's true.
*Superficial love. I don't expect Christians to be perfect at all with love; I get how selfish and flawed human love is. However I've encountered this attitude of 'I'll help you if you act and think like x y and z, if you don't think and act like how I want you to, you don't deserve my time, help, love attention'. This makes my blood boil; to me acting like that is just pure arrogance. I don't expect perfect love, as stated above. However we are supposed to emulate the love of Christ, and would Christ act like that with love?! No, he wouldn't and that is what makes me so angry about it. On top of that the only thing I really expect with love, is I just 'expect' Christians to make an effort with loving how Christ does, I get accused of having unrealistic expectations and/or 'I'm judging them'. This infuriates me, because that is essentially what Christ wants us to do, is to make an effort to love like he does; when a pastor says this, or it's in a Bible study it's fine. However, if I address it, then I get attacked or treated like dung for having the audacity to do so.
In conclusion I addressed these issues cause they are all what I see as major issues in the church. Most Christians don't seem willing to address them because it seems that not offending people, is more important. I am addressing them because very few others are willing to do so. They think that by treating them like they don't exist it will just make them go away; in reality it's just going to make these problems worse. I get the church is full of flawed and broken people, I truly do. However I don't even see the contemporary church even making an attempt to address these issues, which is what angers and hurts me.
I am tired of being treated like I don't exist; to me it seems like I don't matter at all. The reasons above are why I am reluctant to go to church. The previous church I was in has left a very sour taste in my mouth. I am reluctant to go to a new church, because real friendships and real fellowship seems impossible based on the experiences I've had with the other church I went to.
