I never thought this would happen....

Neostarwcc said:

I don't want to admit 100% of my sins today and this morning. God knows what they are. But my wife and I finally make up after 8 years of horrible marriage. She was nice to me, she's been cleaning since we woke up this morning and has been in such a great mood and I.... I did the unspeakable. I cheated on her with a girl. No not physically but we cybered back and forth for a good almost 3 hours and to me? And to the dirty things we were talking about doing to each other in this role play situation i... fell in love. To make up for my sin I asked my wife for sex and it wasn't as magical as I thought it was going to be. Having sex with her was supposed to completely cleanse me of my sin forever. It was supposed to be magical and like i chose her and only her forever. Now I feel like something is missing. Like I permanently severed bonds between my wife and I forever. I... loved the things this girl was doing. She was role-playing affection and love. Something I haven't felt from my wife in a really long time. I tried to get it after our encounter but it wasn't the same. There's no spark in our love life anymore its like our marriage is over and I would like to go with this other girl. She's a tramp so she would have anybody but... she also made me feel loved when we were talking and when we were cybering with each other.

I... haven't felt loved in I don't know how many years. Not just in our marriage when I met my wife but for almost 25 years before. I'm tempted to continuing seeing this girl behind her back. I mean, the spark in my marriage ended years ago. I stayed because Christ told me to. But I was miserable for almost the entirety of our marriage. We ALWAYS argued, it was one huge power struggle and to finally meet a woman who has no power struggle and loves me for.... well... me. I'm sorry but I'm tempted. I need help and advice and I need prayers that God will lead me in the right direction. I know the right direction is to stay in the sparkless marriage that will only make me miserable. I just need God's helpful hand to keep it that way. Because right now? I want more than cyber sex. I want real sex and a real relationship. I'd be 50 million times happier with her than I would my wife, I just know it. Thats why its so tempting to just charge a plane ticket and say arividerchi....

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You have confessed your sins here but you have not found absolution. And actually, when you confess your sins you are supposed to have a sorrow for your sins and a firm purpose of amendment. You seem almost confirmed to go back to your sins instead. Not a very good confession, even if it may reveal your thoughts accurately.

Love is not a feeling. It is a decision and a commitment. One you made. This girl doesn't love you, as you know because you wrote "she's a tramp who would have anybody". You would not actually be happy with her for long. It would make you more miserable. You are right to stay with your wife, as Christ told you. Dump the other woman, burn the plane ticket, and beg God to forgive you for this. Put your wife first. Actually, put God first and your wife second and everything else including yourself a distant third.

Neostarwcc said:

I am sorry hence my asking for help in my repentance. Just figured I'd be honest and say 99.9% of the story.

Just because I desire a relationship with somebody else doesn't mean its the right thing to do. But, we are free to leave each other now that I've committed adultery. So if I told her and she wants out I'm technically free.

But I also see what you're saying and agree. So idk.

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WHAT?

You had cybersex and so now you can free yourself from your commitment to your wife? That is based on a misread of Scripture, in this case a misread of the Matthean exception for 'porne' which is not found anywhere but in Matthew. It is mistranslated as 'adultery', as if all you have to do is show adultery and you have an escape. It is actually an escape for incest, something which makes a marriage invalid.

You don't get a 'get out of jail free' card here. Nor your wife. You made a commitment to love your wife and to forsake all others. You are bound to it. So is she. She may find out and dump you anyway, but you are bound to her and will never be 'free' in God's eyes. So figure out how to straighten out and fly right. Any other flight plan will be misery for you now and at your judgment. Love is a willed decision. You already made that decision. Make it work. I am praying for you.

Neostarwcc said:

I know the right direction is to stay in the sparkless marriage that will only make me miserable.

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No, you are wrong! The right direction is to ask God to bring that "spark" you are looking for, into your marriage. He knows how you feel, coz He created you. If you are willing to respect that sacredness God has established for marriage and the union, then hang in there. God is faithful. You cannot continue to stay in sin. That's the place where you will be miserable.

Please study Proverbs 5. Also the Bible says there’s pleasure in sin for a season, but then comes the judgment. I pray you will
be given wisdom and strength and be led to a strong and loving relationship with your wife. There are a lot of resources out there from Christian authors, and lots of info on the net, that may be helpful to you in that regard.

She doesn't love you and you don't love her. You're conflating loneliness with affection and assigning greater meaning to three hours of adulterous debauchery than you should.

You don't know her. You know the adventurous sliver you've experienced. But there's 24 hours in a day. Not 3. You have no idea what she's like when she logs off. And I'm certain you're a different person too. Fantasy sells because its fake.

And you weren't sated. You crown the day by turning to your wife for physical intimacy and complain afterward? You've got to be kidding. Having sex with her doesn't excuse your three hour bonk fest. You did that on your own.

You need to log off and spend time with the Lord. You need to get real with Him and yourself. Either you're in or out. Stop waffling. If you want the marriage to work; give your all. But don't play with her affections or lie to yourself.

I've watched a lot of people blow up relationships over cyber connections. Everything sounds good in type or on a telephone. But making it real and walking it out is something else.

You don't build love on betrayal. And the grass isn't greener. You need a reality check. Who is miss affection really getting? What does she have to stomach to be with you? And will she do it? Don't fool yourself.

There's a forum full of single men who'll tell you otherwise. You're in for a wild ride, a lot of hurt, and a lighter wallet. Wifey won't look too bad after that. God won't bless this. He may let you suffer to teach you a lesson. I'd stop. You know better.

Before you charge a ticket, go read your threads. Revisit all you've said about your challenges. That's what she's taking on. Question is, how long will it last? Will she possess the understanding and patience you're craving? Or will your circumstances worsen?

I don't see the happy ending you're spinning. But maybe you have to lose to gain. Maybe you need some bumps and bruises to wake up. There's an easier path. You're on it. The one you're considering is the road to destruction. Choose wisely.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

Neostarwcc said:

Can I ask you all a question. How can I be saved if I cheated on my wife? How can God love me despite this? I want to move on. I want to be with my wife. I want things to get better. But how do I know they're going to get better?


How can I be a child of God when I did this? This is THE most disgusting sin of them all. I told my wife she was hurt naturally but forgave me and wants me to be happy with her. Tbch? I want this too. God chose my wife but, why did he choose her knowing I would do this to her? How can I be forgiven for this? Not only did I betray my wife, I betrayed God! I'm an adulterer now! Sure, I had that label when I was so addicted to porn even after I met my wife for a while before I quit it a few years ago. Now I go from a lifetime of porn to actual adultery? This is THE worst thing I've ever done! I don't deserve forgiveness!

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You don't deserve forgiveness but you can have it because God wants to forgive. We are ALL sinners even after conversion to faith in God. We ALL fall down. In that you are nothing at all special. You are a garden variety sinner not better than an earthworm. But you've got company. David did it. He even killed a man to try and cover it up. He was forgiven, although he had consequences. Psalm 51 is all about that nasty man David and his plea for forgiveness and God actually doing it. When I go to confession I use that psalm sometimes as my prayer for my act of contrition.

I don't know how you receive absolution for your sin. I can go to confession. It's painful but I know then I am forgiven and restored. You sound like you are stuck. I don't know what to say about that except that God does want us reconciled to Himself. You were on the verge of throwing your salvation away, doing something we call a mortal sin, a sin so bad you want to stay in it and throw everything else away.

Porn has long lasting effects, as does adultery. Sin makes you stupid. It also makes you want to sin again and again. It leads to spiritual death. So ... you get to fight temptations for the years to come. To whom are you accountable? You need a long term accountability so you can resist new temptations and begin again to put God first and your wife second and everything else third. If you actually lived that way you would see dividends. Can you? Are you going to be accountable to some human being that will call you out when you slide? A wife, a pastor, a spiritual director, a confessor? You confessed to all of us so I'm thinking you need to set some of that up to have real 3D people who can do that for you.

Neostarwcc said:

Can I ask you all a question. How can I be saved if I cheated on my wife? How can God love me despite this? I want to move on. I want to be with my wife. I want things to get better. But how do I know they're going to get better?


How can I be a child of God when I did this? This is THE most disgusting sin of them all. I told my wife she was hurt naturally but forgave me and wants me to be happy with her. Tbch? I want this too. God chose my wife but, why did he choose her knowing I would do this to her? How can I be forgiven for this? Not only did I betray my wife, I betrayed God! I'm an adulterer now! Sure, I had that label when I was so addicted to porn even after I met my wife for a while before I quit it a few years ago. Now I go from a lifetime of porn to actual adultery? This is THE worst thing I've ever done! I don't deserve forgiveness!

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David committed adultery with Bathsheba and not just for 3 hours on the internet. He murdered her husband. But he truly repented and is a great saint of the Bible. He did not need an intermediary, like a Temple priest, but went directly to the Father for forgiveness. No, you don't deserve forgiveness. Neither did David. Please stop beating yourself up and put your energies into turning to the Lord for prayer to live your life as He wishes. He only wants to forgive and help you.

P.S. As for the online woman, maybe it would help to ask yourself some questions. Like, is she even a woman? Maybe "she" is a 300 pound gorilla type male bouncing from one online partner to another for strange kicks. Really, you don't know one way or another who that person is.

I am praying for you and your marriage. It sounds like your curiosity and emotions have gotten then best of you at this moment. I believe you can still repair your marriage if you offer your wife the chance to forgive. The Lord will forgive you and it sounds like you have a loving wife. A spark can come back in your marriage if you stay the course. Marriage is a journey with Highs and Lows, I ask that you continue to pray to the Lord about this and let him steer you with his will for the Lord will never steer you wrong. I will be praying for you and God bless!

Neostarwcc said:

Can I ask you all a question. How can I be saved if I cheated on my wife? How can God love me despite this? I want to move on. I want to be with my wife. I want things to get better. But how do I know they're going to get better?

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The computer is the root of your problems. It's a tool. Not a substitute for companionship or other lacks. Look where it has taken you. Pornography, cyber sex, etc. You spend thousands to build them. But you're paying a heavy price for your entertainment.

You're home all day. You have the luxury of quality time with your spouse and engagement. You can share meals, discourse, games, etc. You could bridge the gap if the relationship was your primary focus. But it competes with your Internet activities. When it should come first.

You can't build your life around the Internet. It can't be your only source of human interaction. You need real connections outside of this space. When you remove the physical; emotions become the focal point. Feelings have consequences. Especially when boundaries aren't in place.

You need a digital fast. That will enable you to be more intentional about your time and reconnect with your wife. She's the priority. Not CF or anything else. You can't continue to fill the hole with other stuff. It isn't enough. You have to let her meet your needs and offer the same.

This is a crutch. Until you see it for what it is. You'll remain in denial and tell yourself you can handle it. When you can't. The Internet has become a third wheel in many relationships. You're sharing your partner with websites and social media. That's horrible. It creates a void that's hard to surmount.

You condition yourself for constant stimulation. That isn't normal. The mind needs down time. If you want a radical love you have to think outside the box. If you want to thrive; you've gotta change. Confess and ask the Lord to show you how to love your wife. When you start loving her sacrificially, He'll fill the holes.

This is my personal conviction. I don't believe in maintaining a presence online when I'm in a relationship. He gets my time and focus. I believe in being present too. I'm not multitasking or checking my phone while he's talking. Or buried in social media. I don't want a digital third wheel. Home is an oasis. You've got to respect it and put parameters in place to preserve the sanctity of the environment.

There's nothing better than being home with my man. That's our resting place where we replenish ourselves and one another. Attentiveness is my priority. Not escape. That requires you to forgo the things you could do in exchange for togetherness and investment in the other person.

You need balance. I developed hobbies that don't involve computers or the Internet. Things I can do at home and others he enjoys. Sharing interests is important. So we're not planted in front of a television. You can have vibrant life if you're committed to doing so. You don't have to take the easy way out.

Time is passing. You'll never get it back. Enjoy your life. Every morsel. Stop existing.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

Please do not be offended with I will say but you did come here for hopefully some advice. I suggest that you talk to a pastor and get help in evaluating first your Christianity, your walk with the Lord. Are you trying to solve your problems by yourself, even if you say you asked God to help you? Claiming to be a Christian is totally different from being a true Christian and the evidence will slowly manifest in your life, in your desires, in your actions which should line up with the teachings of the Bible. Put your “I want more than cyber sex. I want real sex and a real relationship.” in a box for now and start looking for a real relationship with Jesus Christ because no matter who you are with “arividerchi” will simply take you back to square one.

God sent His Son Jesus to forgive us of the worst of sins but it is by grace of God and the shed blood of His Son Jesus that we are saved. Psalm 103:10-11 he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him".
Heavenly Father have mercy and may this one not be deceived and taken in by a season of evil desires. Grant him the strength to rebuke them and keep him strong and deliver him from the temptations that come at him, In Jesus Name, Amen

Neostarwcc said:

I am sorry hence my asking for help in my repentance. Just figured I'd be honest and say 99.9% of the story.

Just because I desire a relationship with somebody else doesn't mean its the right thing to do. But, we are free to leave each other now that I've committed adultery. So if I told her and she wants out I'm technically free.

But I also see what you're saying and agree. So idk.

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I was kind of hard on you. I realized that in retrospect. Not that I would modify what I said, but I don't want you to feel stomped on. What I was hoping for was a firm purpose of changing your life, a re-commitment to your marriage, and a bit of hope. There was the sort of 'slap to the backside of the head' in there but I should have made sure that there was also some kindness. There are a lot of us who have learned our own lessons the hard way. It's painful to see others sprinting down the same path. I'm hoping you are re-directed and are fleeing the near occasion of sin. That's what we have to do. And the opportunity for sin is always at hand. Keep custody of your eyes, custody of your imagination, custody of your heart. They can all be used for good ... or for evil. You have to will the good, and then beg God for the assistance to actually pull it off.

Neostarwcc said:

I don't want to admit 100% of my sins today and this morning. God knows what they are. But my wife and I finally make up after 8 years of horrible marriage. She was nice to me, she's been cleaning since we woke up this morning and has been in such a great mood and I.... I did the unspeakable. I cheated on her with a girl. No not physically but we cybered back and forth for a good almost 3 hours and to me? And to the dirty things we were talking about doing to each other in this role play situation i... fell in love. To make up for my sin I asked my wife for sex and it wasn't as magical as I thought it was going to be. Having sex with her was supposed to completely cleanse me of my sin forever. It was supposed to be magical and like i chose her and only her forever. Now I feel like something is missing. Like I permanently severed bonds between my wife and I forever. I... loved the things this girl was doing. She was role-playing affection and love. Something I haven't felt from my wife in a really long time. I tried to get it after our encounter but it wasn't the same. There's no spark in our love life anymore its like our marriage is over and I would like to go with this other girl. She's a tramp so she would have anybody but... she also made me feel loved when we were talking and when we were cybering with each other.

I... haven't felt loved in I don't know how many years. Not just in our marriage when I met my wife but for almost 25 years before. I'm tempted to continuing seeing this girl behind her back. I mean, the spark in my marriage ended years ago. I stayed because Christ told me to. But I was miserable for almost the entirety of our marriage. We ALWAYS argued, it was one huge power struggle and to finally meet a woman who has no power struggle and loves me for.... well... me. I'm sorry but I'm tempted. I need help and advice and I need prayers that God will lead me in the right direction. I know the right direction is to stay in the sparkless marriage that will only make me miserable. I just need God's helpful hand to keep it that way. Because right now? I want more than cyber sex. I want real sex and a real relationship. I'd be 50 million times happier with her than I would my wife, I just know it. Thats why its so tempting to just charge a plane ticket and say arividerchi....

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You are a grown man acting like a boy. Sorry... it isn't that I have no feeling for your pain because I do. But I also know that you know what is right in the sight of God -- what is wrong in the sight of God. And if you meet with another woman cyber-wise or in person to flirt or commit adultery, the Lord sees all. Seek his love - make Him the lover of your soul - become a man of honor once again.

Matthew 5:27-28
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

1 Corinthians 6:18
Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.

1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

Hebrews 13:4
Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

Just know you're not alone. I feel like I'm falling for a married man from our church.

I'd encourage you to play this over and over. I feel like it's helping me a lot.