I need your support! Please comment!

[acrylicpaintlove]

I am new to this site and I am in need of some support. While I love my friend's kids and kids in general I have no desire to have biological children. I have been married for 4 years and people keep telling me that I'll change my mind...or worse, one woman, a classmate, judgingly said to me one day, "Well, if you don't want to have biological children, there is probably a reason for it. So don't"

Her comment really hurt my feelings and I just have to ask....

While making the decision to be child-free and being Christian, how many of you (women especially) are struggling with sometimes feeling guilty and selfish...because even though I know scripturally "be fruitful and multiply" wasn't written to my husband and myself living in 2011, sometimes I get hung up and those with children don't do anything to encourage me that it's okay that I don't follow their path!

I am seeking some support because my husband scheduled a vasectomy almost a year ago and I made him cancel it out of my guilt and shame that I was somehow ruining his life by not wanting to biologically have children. The thing is, almost a year has passed and the vasectomy...today I brought up that I thought my husband should and he told me when I told him that, that he had just had a dream last night... that he had called to schedule one and when they asked the date, he said he would call back....I have been praying and praying for God to move on this and make it clear to me and his dream...I don't know, I guess I could say it is coincidence but maybe God is okay with us moving forward in this childfree direction? I wish I could stop the fundamental Christian tape in my head and hear God...

Any thoughts?

Thank you in advance.

 

[pdudgeon]

sounds like you're both subconsciously undecided at this point. it's not something that you have to rush into, so just wait until you have a definite reason for taking that step. no sense in crossing that bridge before you have to, or before you're both ready.

 

[snoochface]

You don't have anything to feel guilty about. What cause is there for guilt? Who are you harming by not having a child? NO ONE. But if you really don't want a child and you have one out of societal pressure, then who are you harming? Your child; yourself; your marriage. I would feel more guilt in having a child I didn't want than in not having a child.

You're being guilted by people who don't understand that not everyone wants the same things as them, and by legalistic Christians who take "be fruitful and multiply" as a command to all of mankind. Your job on earth is to serve God, and there are thousands of ways to do that without having a child.

I agree there's no need to do the vasectomy right now if you're having any doubts about it. But I would not use guilt, pressure, and hurtful comments as a reason to bring a child into the world that you will be responsible for for the next 18+ years and probably longer. Think it through carefully, discuss it with your husband, even get counseling about it if you are at an impasse. Just don't have a kid to assuage some misguided guilt that other people are placing on you. That's not fair to you or the kid, and those people who are guilting you sure won't be getting anything out of it.

 

[Audiomechanic]

You don't have anything to feel guilty about. What cause is there for guilt? Who are you harming by not having a child? NO ONE. But if you really don't want a child and you have one out of societal pressure, then who are you harming? Your child; yourself; your marriage. I would feel more guilt in having a child I didn't want than in not having a child.

You're being guilted by people who don't understand that not everyone wants the same things as them, and by legalistic Christians who take "be fruitful and multiply" as a command to all of mankind. Your job on earth is to serve God, and there are thousands of ways to do that without having a child.

I agree there's no need to do the vasectomy right now if you're having any doubts about it. But I would not use guilt, pressure, and hurtful comments as a reason to bring a child into the world that you will be responsible for for the next 18+ years and probably longer. Think it through carefully, discuss it with your husband, even get counseling about it if you are at an impasse. Just don't have a kid to assuage some misguided guilt that other people are placing on you. That's not fair to you or the kid, and those people who are guilting you sure won't be getting anything out of it.

+1. Exactly right.

Excellent and well stated advice!

 

[FaithPrevails]

I am new to this site and I am in need of some support. While I love my friend's kids and kids in general I have no desire to have biological children. I have been married for 4 years and people keep telling me that I'll change my mind...or worse, one woman, a classmate, judgingly said to me one day, "Well, if you don't want to have biological children, there is probably a reason for it. So don't"

Her comment really hurt my feelings and I just have to ask....

While making the decision to be child-free and being Christian, how many of you (women especially) are struggling with sometimes feeling guilty and selfish...because even though I know scripturally "be fruitful and multiply" wasn't written to my husband and myself living in 2011, sometimes I get hung up and those with children don't do anything to encourage me that it's okay that I don't follow their path!

I am seeking some support because my husband scheduled a vasectomy almost a year ago and I made him cancel it out of my guilt and shame that I was somehow ruining his life by not wanting to biologically have children. The thing is, almost a year has passed and the vasectomy...today I brought up that I thought my husband should and he told me when I told him that, that he had just had a dream last night... that he had called to schedule one and when they asked the date, he said he would call back....I have been praying and praying for God to move on this and make it clear to me and his dream...I don't know, I guess I could say it is coincidence but maybe God is okay with us moving forward in this childfree direction? I wish I could stop the fundamental Christian tape in my head and hear God...

Any thoughts?

Thank you in advance.

As a Christian parent, I want you to know that I both respect your decision and believe that you should move forward with permanent birth control without any guilt. What that one woman said to you was hurtful and judgmental.

IMO, it is better to know your limits and desires of your heart and honor them, rather than bring a child into this world b/c it is what you think others expect of you.

I'm sorry that you've struggled with this decision. It sounds like your hubby is on board with your decision, though, so I encourage the two of you to be true to yourselves and turn as much of a deaf ear to the insensitivities of others as you can.

 

[Rebekka]

I agree with snooch.

 

[CarrieAnnC]

I am new to this site and I am in need of some support. While I love my friend's kids and kids in general I have no desire to have biological children. I have been married for 4 years and people keep telling me that I'll change my mind...or worse, one woman, a classmate, judgingly said to me one day, "Well, if you don't want to have biological children, there is probably a reason for it. So don't"

Her comment really hurt my feelings and I just have to ask....

While making the decision to be child-free and being Christian, how many of you (women especially) are struggling with sometimes feeling guilty and selfish...because even though I know scripturally "be fruitful and multiply" wasn't written to my husband and myself living in 2011, sometimes I get hung up and those with children don't do anything to encourage me that it's okay that I don't follow their path!

I am seeking some support because my husband scheduled a vasectomy almost a year ago and I made him cancel it out of my guilt and shame that I was somehow ruining his life by not wanting to biologically have children. The thing is, almost a year has passed and the vasectomy...today I brought up that I thought my husband should and he told me when I told him that, that he had just had a dream last night... that he had called to schedule one and when they asked the date, he said he would call back....I have been praying and praying for God to move on this and make it clear to me and his dream...I don't know, I guess I could say it is coincidence but maybe God is okay with us moving forward in this childfree direction? I wish I could stop the fundamental Christian tape in my head and hear God...

Any thoughts?

Thank you in advance.

My dear, I had the children that I desired and so I cannot say that I understand a desire not to have children BUT while you remain undesided, please do not take final steps you may regret.

 

[Clea]

They call the decision to not have children "the 20 year question" because unless you do take a permanent solution (and by the way, there are children out there of fathers who had vasectomies, it is not fool proof), you haven't completely eliminated the option until you are in menopause. I do believe that children deserve to be born to parents that want them and this it is more unChristian to have children when you don't want them or are giving way to Christian society pushing you, or even are undecided. I would think about you reasons carefully, as you would for any big decision. This is something that gets easier with age. After 40, people quit bugging you. I am 55, have been married 28 years, and have never regretted not having children. Inspite of the fact that everyone told me I would.

 

[Audiomechanic]

^^^

 

[acrylicpaintlove]

Thank you so much everyone! This is just the kind of support I have been needing. Thank you so much for your thoughtful and engaging responses. Thank you! Thank you! Blessings!

 

[If Not For Grace]

Even a vasectomy can be reversed OR if later you are want children, there is ALWAYS
adoption for all those for whom "fruitful" did not work out.