I need to understand what can be

[MartinaB]

Hello, I'm a new member of Christian Forums, I've approached seriously to Christianity since October 2015. I had a lot of issues before due to my past:rejection from peers in school, subtle and always on top parents and consequently I refused to have contact with other people, so I started closing myself in my own world with imaginary friends, that were often celebrities and I pretended to be their girlfriend. I have been listening to Hip Hop music to make me feel better, it was my passion. I "worshipped" rappers as gods and I did idolatry as well. I was addicted to pornography and masturbation. To emulate those rappers I started drinking and smoking marijuhana, and one night I was about to die because I smoked other chemicals that made me unable to breathe, but the Lord saved me in that situation, I clearly heard His voice in that moment that was telling me He was giving me another chance. Two months later I had a "panic attack" that made me feel like I was dying and I felt shaking and my soul troubled. The very next day I felt always sad, apathic, suicidal and tormented. My parents were desperate, and me too, I went to the psychologist for 4 months but it didn't resolved a thing. Only coming to the Lord was really helpful for me, I started praying and one day my mother took me to sone priests that laid hands on me and prayed in tongues to cast out evil spirits. I felt much better after this, but I didn't have a strong faith as now and the problem remained for another year, feeling always apathic and empty inside. Yes, not a good introduction ahah but now I'm on the right path, I'm attending a Christian Charismatic church and I had 5 or 6 deliverance sessions with my pastor and I felt sooo much better. Now I don't feel sad and empty anymore: the Lord delivered me from idolatry, masturbation, porn, smoking, drinking! Praise Him! I've recieved also many physical healings, and I am happy I found the right way out. My question was: I don't feel apathic, but like my emotions are blocked in some ways. I feel my heart hardened to good situations and unable to feel when I am supposed to! For example when comes a beautiful thing or a surprising one... It's like I don't care, and I can't stand it. When I try to feel something I feel strange, I feel something going up in my head and making it confusing. This block makes me very uncomfortable, because I want to serve the Lord freerly and love others, feel good things and laugh like I did. I want this thing to stop completely, but I can't understand if this is caused by demons or I need inner healing. I need to be casting out the spirits or to claim my recovery with what Jesus did on the cross? Brothers and sisters in Christ, help me understand better...

 

[1watchman]

It is good to see you acknowledging God in your life, friend, and don't just look for feelings. My uncertainty is whether you have been "born again" by receiving the Lord Jesus into your heart (please note John 14 and especially verse 6). To find peace, assurance, and real eternal life one must have the Lord Jesus as their Savior and lord of one's life as their best Friend, and not just trying to follow His example. Living for and with the Lord Jesus will bring peace, please the heavenly Father, and seal one as a "child of God" forever. That is fundamental to real Christianity. I hope that is your experience, but I did not see that in your post. Maybe that is the problem with all the difficulty you mention. Trust the Lord Jesus and put Him first in your life, dear friend, and that will bring the blessings of the Father. - Ever in Christ by grace alone, 1watchman

 

[MartinaB]

@1watchman Thank you. Yes, I'm born again, I recieved Jesus as my Lord and Saviour on the first deliverance prayer, I started talking in tongues and when I pray for others there are good results.

 

[Hieronymus]

Which tongue (language)?
And did you comprehend what you said?

 

[MartinaB]

@Hieronymus I don't understand what I say, my mouth goes on talking simply without my mental control

 

[1watchman]

Dear Martina, I am afraid that is a deceit of Satan (and I am not judging you), but if one is babbling utterances and does not know what they are saying, their heart and mind is not in it, and the enemy can cause one to blaspheme the Lord. Please note that "tongues" is language (pray about Acts 2:4-6 ---language of many people from many lands). God wants us to speak as He gave us knowledge. If one is babbling they are not even consciously speaking to God, but letting the flesh (and the enemy) utter things. To live for the Lord Jesus we must be in accord with "all the counsel of God" in a conscious way. No offense intended here. Look up always!

 

[MartinaB]

@1watchman Don't worry brother, I don't take it personal. But just to be precise, when I speak in tongues I feel the love and the contact with the Lord. My mother speaks in tongues too and she spoke in Arabic one time saying things like God is the truth, He is love...

 

[MartinaB]

So I don't think it is a satan's deceit... I'm surely born again, my pastor that has more than 40 years experience in faith says this, and I feel it, if I wasn't born again, I wouldn't have come closer to God like this...