I need to talk about this...and could use some feedback please.

[Vicissa]

I posted this on the WD board too, but would like some feedback from married ppl and/or men on their take on the situation.

Okay, well. I don't know

Here's the deal. My Dh has a kid with another woman from before we were together. And I don't like how much they talk, it seems excessive.

To sum up our interactions in the past, their were serious issues in the beginning, including withholding seeing their son because he wasn't with her. Her and I did not get along. Lots of years have past and we get along pretty good now. She had been with a guy for over 3 years, happy, and all that. But they split up shortly before we moved back, and once we contacted her, it's opened up the floodgates. I"m trying to be reasonable because they do have a kid together, but I feel like my personal space is being encroached on and I'm crying foul.
When I say excessive, I mean out of the last three weeks, she has called 15 of those days, sometimes as much as 4 times in one day. My husband has called her about 7 times, mostly returning calls. Not only do I deal with the phone calls, but when she drops him off or picks him up she usually stays and hangs out for about an hour. The first time it was nearly 3. I even left with my mom and came back and she is still here. They are not alone, but rather with all of our kids together....totaling 8 kids in the apartment.
Most of the time the phone conversation starts out about their son, but also evolves into "this week this happened."
For the most part, in the last years we have had a good relationship with her. But I feel like since her and her bf split up, her conversations are settled more toward my husband, than prior when she spoke with me also.

It's really weird. I don't believe my husband would even be remotely interested in her, but sometimes I wonder if he either encourages her behavior or condones it, for whatever reason.

Feedback needed and wanted!!

 

[Bunnaroo]

Vicissa,
He's either unaware that she's flirting with him and "just being nice", or aware and liking it. The former is more likely, if we apply Harzog's Razor(Attribute not to malice that which is easily explained by stupidity.). Guys, as a general rule, are oblivious to social dynamics. That's one of the reasons why the typical male ends up saying, "What'd I do this time?" On the other hand, if he is enjoying the attention, that's another whole can of worms, and best discussed in a different thread.

Either way, your hubby needs to be aware of what's going on. You have the right to say, "I don't like the way it looks when she's here and I'm not." You also need to let him know you feel like she's trying to grab him back. By having him aware, you provide an extra layer of protection against temptation.

It may be better if they meet in a more public place, like a restaurant or your step-son's school. It would also give him the excuse of "Gotta go, my wife is waiting for me."

 

[NiteClerk]

Have you talked to your husband about your concerns? I really think that you should. I guess it's nice that they get along, but this situation does seem excessive. While nothing is going to happen while they are with the kids I would worry about a meeting when the kids aren't around.

Anyway, my advice is to talk to your husband and let him know that while the two of them still being friends is good for the kid, you feel she is pushing the boundries of what is proper for everyones relationship. Yours and husbands, and also husbands and ex'es.

This advice is worth exactly what I was paid for it.

 

[Vicissa]

Vicissa,
He's either unaware that she's flirting with him and "just being nice", or aware and liking it. The former is more likely, if we apply Harzog's Razor(Attribute not to malice that which is easily explained by stupidity.). Guys, as a general rule, are oblivious to social dynamics. That's one of the reasons why the typical male ends up saying, "What'd I do this time?" On the other hand, if he is enjoying the attention, that's another whole can of worms, and best discussed in a different thread.

Either way, your hubby needs to be aware of what's going on. You have the right to say, "I don't like the way it looks when she's here and I'm not." You also need to let him know you feel like she's trying to grab him back. By having him aware, you provide an extra layer of protection against temptation.

It may be better if they meet in a more public place, like a restaurant or your step-son's school. It would also give him the excuse of "Gotta go, my wife is waiting for me."

Thanks for the advice. I have let him know that I don't like it, and he thinks I'm being ridiculous. He says that he has to talk to her, that they have a kid together, but like I said.. It's excessive. Even greater for my personal sanity and space is the fact she is moving two blocks away this week.

Have you talked to your husband about your concerns? I really think that you should. I guess it's nice that they get along, but this situation does seem excessive. While nothing is going to happen while they are with the kids I would worry about a meeting when the kids aren't around.

Anyway, my advice is to talk to your husband and let him know that while the two of them still being friends is good for the kid, you feel she is pushing the boundries of what is proper for everyones relationship. Yours and husbands, and also husbands and ex'es.

This advice is worth exactly what I was paid for it.

I agree. I did let him know. He thinks that I am reading too much into it, that she doesn't want him. But I have my doubts, and instead of being comforting he just says I can't seriously think that he would want anything to do with her, and it doesn't matter if she likes him or not, what matters is is he doesn't like her.
But to me it does matter. She is an EX, and while they share a child together, I feel like we all don't have to be BEST FRIENDS who talk every single day, and who hang out for hours at a time. It's uncomfortable for me.

 

[mldg]

I would definitly pray that God reveals to him if she is trying to work her way in. I would also pray for protection over him. The devil is sneaky and will use any opportunity. it may seem like nothing to him now but it may turn out to be too late. Your husband also needs to make sure that he doesn't allow her to cross bounderies. I would pray before speaking to him about it again and really tell him without getting upset at him that it bothers you. I would also make it a point to be there when she is around. good luck to you. I hope it all works out for you.

 

[Leanna]

She sounds lonely and is trying to fill that need with talking to your husband as "friends." The only real way to win here is for him to be mostly unavailable and really busy. If he doesn't meet that need for conversation she will find another man who will and then everyone wins.

 

[Vicissa]

She sounds lonely and is trying to fill that need with talking to your husband as "friends." The only real way to win here is for him to be mostly unavailable and really busy. If he doesn't meet that need for conversation she will find another man who will and then everyone wins.

Your probably right, though I am weary of the situation. The beginning of our relationship was very rocky because of interference from her.

Good points though.

 

[Bunnaroo]

From the King James Bible (emphasis added):
I Thessalonians 5:22
Abstain from all appearance of evil.

This doesn't look right. You have a woman who has already caused problems with your marriage. This same woman calls 15 out of 21 days in the past three weeks, and sometimes more than once. Since she became "unattached", she shows a lot more desire for her ex-husband. If I got the count right, she has five kids, from at least two different men. The "duck test*" screams "trashy woman after a married man!" Even if she isn't, it still looks that way.

I agree with illinoismommy, he needs to be unavailable for her to talk with him.

*Duck test: Looks like a duck, feels like a duck, smells like a duck, sounds like a duck, tastes like a duck, etc. Most likely a duck.

 

[dangshubby]

i agree with bunnaroo but i think your husband has to understand that point...

that somehow he has to make a certain barrier from her because it will do some damage to your relationship...

but still the fact is that they have a son... but that doesn't mean she can go all around your husband..

 

[gracepaints]

Not to downplay the danger, but do keep in mind that your life is a whole lot easier if your husband and his ex are on good terms than if they are on bad and it is obviously so much better for their child. Do what you need to protect your marriage, but also try to careful to not put create conflict into a situation where harmony is so important for everyone involved.

 

[Vicissa]

Hey just to let you all know. I did have a talk with my husband and he was very receptive to my feelings this time around.

 

[ciaradawn]

That's great.

I read all the previous comments and I agree with all of them. It's excessive and if you are feeling that uncomfortable then it's not ok; especially in your own home. I agree that if they are to meet for long periods of time, it needs to be in a public place. And your husband should be less available; not return so many calls until eventually she finds something/one else to fill that space.

 

[Autumnleaf]

He has to talk with her about the child when necessary but that's it. Meeting her at the door would be a nice way to do it. Say hello cordially but don't invite her in.

 

[dangshubby]

that's a nice update... you just needed a good conversation...
God bless...

 

[Rembrandtfan]

It's good to be civil with an ex, but the conversations need to be kept as brief as possible, and should be limited to things that pertain to the child. This is what my husband did, and I appreciated him for it. I did not worry or feel uncomfortable about how he interacted with the exes.

Maybe you should ask your husband why he thinks your being ridiculous. Do your feelings not count? Is he being defensive, and if so, why?

 

[MCGar]

I know that this has been taken care of already but I've been cruisin' the archives and I had to share what I would do.

When she calls and talks to him, I would pick up the extension to chat also. Or I would ask him to give the phone to me because I just 'have' to share this recipe with her and then ramble on and on until I say..."Oh, gotta go! You have a great day!"

When she comes over I would plop on the couch right between them and chat along.
Kid's need tending to? "Oh honey, DS needs you to read to him or fix him a sandwich" Keep your butt planted on the couch.

If there's nothing wrong with the relationship they have, then there is nothing wrong with you being right there.

I mention this because you say she's going to move nearby.

I wouldn't interrupt conversation about your step-kids but as soon as the conversation wanders to other topics, YOU engage HER in conversation. Ask a billion questions and make a billion comments.

She'll get tired of this in a heartbeat.

 

[judahsgem]

I've read thru all the previous posts and also agree with them. There's being civil and accepting of an ex-relationship, for the sake of the kids and then there's being 'over the line'.
If your gut tells you it's not right, then it probably isn't and shouldn't be ignored. Not saying your hubby is interested, but she sure might be, being that she's alone again. And as MCGar said; if you keep your butt planted between them, taking up the space (in conversation & otherwise) that doesn't involve the kids, she'll get sick of it real quick, if she's truly trying to put moves on your husband. She'll realize the effort is just too much after a bit of that.
I do think it's great that your husband took your concerns more seriously this time though. Honestly, even when there's someone hitting on my husband (which is plain as day to me) he usually doesn't realize it, so give him the benefit of the doubt there. That may be why he was all confused as to your concerns, no matter how valid they were. A little more talk and convincing usually brings men like this around and to keep their guard up more around those people.