I need to know....if I am I bad mom

[footprints1973]

Hi all, I haven't posted on this board much, I really wish I could have more time to do so...I have come here to re-introduce myself and get some advice.

My name is Laura, I have one DD, Katie, who is 3 1/2. She will be 4 in April. She's always been small for age. When she was an infant until she was about 1/ 1/2 she had some digestive issues. She would barely drink anything, had to be on special formula due to milk intolerance and gastritis. She was also diagnosed as failure to thrive and so we have had to get her to eat/drink as many calories as we can. Thankfully, the gastro issues went away. But she is still a very picky eater. So she drinks a lot of Pediasure and carnation and instant breakfast to suppplement what little she does eat.

The problem is she will only drink it from a bottle. I feel so horrible and guilty about this. I know she is way too old for a bottle We only give it to her at night, and try to brush her teeth if she'll let us.

We've tried everything...bribes/bargaring/rewards don't work. Telling her the bottle fairy is going to come and replace her botles with big girl cups doesn't work. So we just keep giving it to her thinking she will give it up when she's ready.

Problem two--she will not have a bm on the toliet. She absoultely refuses and freaks out. So we give her a pull up and she poops in there. How can I get her to be less scared? She somehow holds it in all day at daycare and only does it at home, so she hasn't had any bm accidents at daycare.

Problem three--She has however, started to have wetting accidents at daycare. It used to be occasional, now its at least every other day. The teachers say it happens during nap and on the playground. The teachers/director are starting to get aggravated and are telling us they will put her in the 2 year old room because of this. They also say I should take her to the doctor, that she may have a infection. I guess I could do that, but the thing is these accidents only occasionally happen at home.
She has been in daycare for 1 1/2 years, and at this particular daycare for 3 months. No changes have really happened in the three months to set this off.

Please Please anyone else go through any of this? I have no one to talk to about this. None of my friends have children and the rest of family (mom/aunts etc) haven't really been able to help me much.

Thanks and God Bless YOU!
Laura

 

[Flibbertigibbet]

Hi Laura,

First off - no, you aren't a bad mom. It sounds as though in addition to her failure to thrive, your daughter has some developmental delays as well.

I would recommend that you first take her to the pediatrician to discuss the wetting and the problems with bm's. They may prescribe a mild laxative/stool softener and recommend that you try this for a time, or they may send you on to a gastroenterologist.

Secondly, check your area for resources that can determine developmental delay - contact your pediatrician's office to ask, or call an area mental health/mental retardation center - they can refer you to age-appropriate resources.

Most of all - don't panic. You've not mentioned any behavioral problems at school and some of these issues are things that occasionally take longer for some children. I still would most decidedly bring her doctor into this, however.

Praying for you and Katie.

 

[Linnis]

My son had severe reflux, he couldn't keep down anything but breast milk until 15 months. He had food related issues, digestive issues, allergies etc.

Finally I resorted to Feeding Therapy through a Speech Therapist.

http://www.reflux.org/reflux/webdoc01.nsf/(vwWebPage)/Feedingtherapy.htm?OpenDocument

He's doing so well! I'm so happy with the progress he's made. I was told to let my son live on Carnation Instant breakfast but that was unacceptable to me. You can take her and have her seen by a Speech Therapist who does feeding therapy and see if she can be helped.

Not only did they work through DS' swallow issues [taught him to swallow better] the range of accepted foods and textures has got to be 10 times what it was six months ago.

Most people I know who had bottle issues just threw them all out one day and didn't give the kids much choice. You deal with 2-3 days of complaining but they get over it. I'd begin to worry about her teeth personally. It's not that you don't care about her feelings or anything like that. When I weaned my son, he got lots of cuddles, etc and let him have his feelings but didn't go back. The first 3-4 days were the worst then he decided to drink from his cup. Distraction is key!

This might be best started on a weekend if the DCP isn't too keen on the idea.



Getting upset and threatening her won't help with the wetting issue. Can you talk to your daycare provider about it? The treats will probably make it worse. Accidents happen with small children. Sounds like the DCP [this coming from one] just doesn't want to be bothered.

HTH

 

[footprints1973]

Thanks ladies...yeah, she went to a feeding therapist when she was about 1 1/2 for a few months...the insurance wouldn't cover much. However, it helped some for the reward/positive reinforcement. Now that doesn't work, she is way to stubborn. She knows what I am trying to do.

She's not actually developemental delayed, she's acutally pretty smart. She's hit all her cognitive/learning milestones. She has a vocabulary like you wouldn't believe and talks nonstop. But she is physically delayed (growth-wise), so I am wondering if she has an underdeveoped bladder and interest in eating foods. She always has developed a fear of many toys, especially ones that make noise or talk. She has been like this for over a year. I still can't figure out that one..

Thanks again,
Laura

 

[immersedingrace]

Thanks ladies...yeah, she went to a feeding therapist when she was about 1 1/2 for a few months...the insurance wouldn't cover much. However, it helped some for the reward/positive reinforcement. Now that doesn't work, she is way to stubborn. She knows what I am trying to do.

She's not actually developemental delayed, she's acutally pretty smart. She's hit all her cognitive/learning milestones. She has a vocabulary like you wouldn't believe and talks nonstop. But she is physically delayed (growth-wise), so I am wondering if she has an underdeveoped bladder and interest in eating foods. She always has developed a fear of many toys, especially ones that make noise or talk. She has been like this for over a year. I still can't figure out that one..

Thanks again,
Laura

I am not a mom but I did work for Early Intervention as a Support Coordinator. Developmental Delay does NOT mean a child isn't smart. I know many parents who think that and are afraid of their child being labeled. However, for many kids, these delays are temporary, if the child gets the help they need. Once they get the help, they go on without any labels. Developmental Delays consist of five main areas - cognitive development: ability to think and learn; physical development: ability to move, see, and hear, language/speech development: ability to talk, understand, and express needs; self help/adaptive development: ability to eat, dress, and take care of oneself - (this would include toileting issues); social/emotional development: ability to relate to others.

I agree with Flibbertigibbet, it sounds to me like she may have a developmental delay in the self help/adaptive area. With the three issues you mentioned, I would highly encourage that she be evaluated by the Early Intervention Pre-school program. With an evaluation, there is no obligation to utilize supports if she is found eligible (the eligibility requirements are similar in all states but do have differences. I'm only familiar w/ PA). And in most states, if she's found eligible, there is absolutly NO cost to the parents (w/ the preschool program, I believe it's all states where it's free, but do not hold me to that) for the supports if you do decide to follow through. Either way, the evaluation is at no cost to the family. If she's not eligible through Early Intervention, I would still discuss with my insurance about getting an Occupational Therapist, which is actually, IMO, better trained to deal with the feeding issues but also the toileting and what could be some sensory issues (afraid of noisy toys). I do agree taking her to the pediatrician is a first step, but I'd call EI regardless. Here's a pdf pamphlet about EI in PA, just to give you an idea of what the process might look like. Like I said, the states are similar but I'd be willing to help you contact the appropriate office in your state if you PM me.

 

[hsmommyofmany]

Hi all, I haven't posted on this board much, I really wish I could have more time to do so...I have come here to re-introduce myself and get some advice.

My name is Laura, I have one DD, Katie, who is 3 1/2. She will be 4 in April. She's always been small for age. When she was an infant until she was about 1/ 1/2 she had some digestive issues. She would barely drink anything, had to be on special formula due to milk intolerance and gastritis. She was also diagnosed as failure to thrive and so we have had to get her to eat/drink as many calories as we can. Thankfully, the gastro issues went away. But she is still a very picky eater. So she drinks a lot of Pediasure and carnation and instant breakfast to suppplement what little she does eat.

obviously you care about your daughter very much which makes you a great mother. all moms learn by trial and error. i have six children and have a dughter very similar to yours. she will be 4 in march and is only 25 pounds. she has chronic constipation and failure to thrive and i have been down that road. it is very difficult to see your child struggling and having to go to doctors appointments constantly. you probably need to try and cut back on her pediasure and carnation and make her eat more solids. i would just slowly start to cut back. she may loose a little at first but as she starts eating more she should gain it back...this was a very difficult thing for my daughter but she is doing much better now. she is only on occasional supplements and has finally started to eat food.

The problem is she will only drink it from a bottle. I feel so horrible and guilty about this. I know she is way too old for a bottle We only give it to her at night, and try to brush her teeth if she'll let us.

We've tried everything...bribes/bargaring/rewards don't work. Telling her the bottle fairy is going to come and replace her botles with big girl cups doesn't work. So we just keep giving it to her thinking she will give it up when she's ready.

she is your only child and it is totally understandable that you give in. as hard as it is you can not give in. you have to throw the bottles away. NO bottles in the house. you tell her she can have her drink in a cup and if she refuses then she does not get it. she will throw temper tantrums and make you feel awful but only for a couple days. i know it is easier to say than to do but if you do it for a couple days she will adjust. she is just trying to manipulate you to get her own way when she screams and cries. i have been through this transition many times and it just has to be done.

Problem two--she will not have a bm on the toliet. She absoultely refuses and freaks out. So we give her a pull up and she poops in there. How can I get her to be less scared? She somehow holds it in all day at daycare and only does it at home, so she hasn't had any bm accidents at daycare.

totally normal, especially since she has had GI issues before. try putting her on mirilax...you can mix it in her carnation and she will never know. once a day should do the trick. my son had a problem with that and he finally just the last couple months has stopped pooping his pants...he will be five in january. it will take her time to adjust but once she realizes that it does not hurt (after she has been on the mirilax for a while) she will be less scared. patience and consistancey!!

Problem three--She has however, started to have wetting accidents at daycare. It used to be occasional, now its at least every other day. The teachers say it happens during nap and on the playground. The teachers/director are starting to get aggravated and are telling us they will put her in the 2 year old room because of this. They also say I should take her to the doctor, that she may have a infection. I guess I could do that, but the thing is these accidents only occasionally happen at home.
She has been in daycare for 1 1/2 years, and at this particular daycare for 3 months. No changes have really happened in the three months to set this off.

pish on them...every kid has accidents especially when they are sleeping or playing and can not make it to the bathroom. this is perfectly normal. if her teachers stress out that easily she is probably having anxiety, making the problem worse. i stay at home with my kids so i have never dealt with day care but cant you put her in pullups or something. this seems like something silly. to put a 4 year old in a class with 2 year olds because she has accidents. that sounds stupid! i am so glad i do not have to deal with that.

Please Please anyone else go through any of this? I have no one to talk to about this. None of my friends have children and the rest of family (mom/aunts etc) haven't really been able to help me much.

i know you are really stressed about all this...moms are great at that. your stress is probably rubbing off on her. speaking from an experienced mom who has been through all of these issues several times...i think your daughter is perfectly normal. her FFT is obviously something she needs to be followed for but most of her problems sound behavioral which means with a little work you should be able to change most of it. try not to stress...she is only 4...give her time to mature...all kids are different....you care about your daughter and want to do what is best for her. that makes you a great mom!

 

[Neenie1]

Wow - she sounds a lot like my 3 1/2 year old (she will be 4 in June)

She is a picky eater - although no bottles here, she just is a fussy fussy eater lol. We just take it as it comes and try to get her to eat nutritious food.

The only thing I can suggest with a bottle, is there is a cup called a nuby cup, it's a sippy cup with a very soft spout. Maybe that might help. I don't know.

I think if you are brushing her teeth afterwards then it shouldn't matter.

My daughter is also "delayed" in toilet training too. Her physio says it's actually nothing to worry about just yet, so all I can say to you is try not to stress out about it.

My daughter doesn't go to day care so I don't have to worry about their thoughts about it. I get frustrated too. She doesn't go no. 2 in the potty. I just don't think she knows it's coming, so there are a lot of dirty knickers in this house. Also she has a night nappy, so sometimes she goes in the night nappy after she wakes up.

Often she has no.1 accidents. I have noticed this is when she is tired. My daughter also has low muscle tone, and her physio says she is probably delayed in this area becuase of the low muscle tone.



You could take her to a doctor to rule out an infection, then take it from there.

 

[Birbitt]

When I was teaching in a daycare we had a child who refused to eat anything we provided her and would only eat what her mom sent for her (which wasn't much but it was all she would eat). So we started a few things that might help your dd.

We purchased her some plastic plates that had cartoon characters on them then we told her that if she ate all her food (we put very little on it at first) she would be able to see a picture. This did encourage her to eat the food on the plate. At first we just put on the food her mom brought with maybe a bite or two of the food we prepared there and then gradually got to where she was getting only the food we prepared.

Also when she did eat a food we prepared we tried not to make too big a deal out of it because we didn't want her to think that the only way to make us happy was to eat our food. When she did eat our food we told her she did a good job and asked her how she liked it. She found many foods she liked that way.

The other thing we did was that we noticed that she had one particular teacher that she liked more than the others so that teacher always prepared her plate and let her choose the foods to go on it (she'd tell the little girl that she had to choose at least one food to go on her plate and then she'd pick out the ones she liked best)

 

[gracepaints]

Just wanted to mention that growth spurts are major cause of wetting accidents. Silly bladders don't grow as fast as the kids so they overflow their capacity sometimes until the bladder catches up.

 

[sleepythesahm]

I think you are probably a great mom. You are very concerned,very observant and you can feel the love and worry over the net.
Grace paints is right about accidents.My son has developmental delays, but the things he can do often far surpasses his peers. I'll add her to my prayers, but I really believe that in her own time, she will get off the bottle, and bm on the toilet. For what its worth, I know a mom on here whos breastfeeding past two most likely. I dont think you can rush kids.Every kid has his own "time" for things,and it isnt based on ours at all
As far as the night goes,Perhaps you can get her to choose a bottle of water or a sippy of milk/istant breakfast. I wouldnt worry about it too much. She needs it to help her thrive on what she will eat,thats more important than baby teeth in my opinion

 

[footprints1973]

thanks again everyone....it is such a blessing to have others to talk to....

GOD BLESS!
Laura

 

[RedTulipMom]

i would definitely try and get her an assessment with early intervention. With her failure to thrive and gastro problems it might be a sign that she has low muscle tone. if she does have low muscle tone not only will she probably not be capable of fully potty training till later but she also might need some physical therapies.

my son is autistic and has gastro issues and low muscle tone too. he used a bottle till he was 3 yrs and 9 mos old and then i easily switched him to a nuby sippy cup with the soft spout and eventually to a harder spout. there are many things he wont eat as well so when he was younger i gave him the poly-vi-sol liquid vitamins everyday and eventually switched him to gummy vitamins daily. I also give him instant carnation every day as well.

my son is now 4 yrs and 5 mos old and not potty trained yet. His low muscle tone just makes it impossible. i am hoping in another year he will be ready. Don't push your daughter, she may have a physical problem.

As far as the accidents only happening at daycare and not at home..have you "unexpectedly" dropped in on the daycare center to watch the teachers and what goes on there? Is it possible she is being mistreated? i ask because i worked at 2 different daycare centers and the kids were being mistreated at both of them and i had to call DCFS on them. i would want to know more about what is going on there if i were you. The fact that the center threatened to move her to the 2 yr old room doesnt sit well with me. i would seriously drop by and insist on peeking in the room without the teacher knowing your watching and see what you can find out...and i would do it a few different times over a week. if they dont want you doing that..then they are hiding something!