I need some help

[brian01056]

I have been married for three years now. Two years ago i did a horribly thing and visited a massage parlor on the way home from work, well the the massage turned into infidelity. I have been lost ever since, fearing the worst I avoided intimate contact with my wife and was scrreened for all stds. This experience was a horrible mistake, and time passed and I have been unable to tell my wife, as it would cause her pain. I love my wife very much and don't know why i made this mistake. I feel I have not been close to god for 5 years now. My wife and I are both catholic and have recently joined a parish in our town. I want to go and talk to a preist, and ask god to forgive me. My wife is now 7 months pregnant with our first child, and I can't bear to tell her and up set her this way. That type of stress could hurt our baby i feel. I want to be such a good husband on father. She doesnt deserve this pain, and i should bear the pain. Please help me on what too do. I feel like the most evil person on the planet

 

[Bambi]

Please talk to your priest and trust that God will use him to help you figure out what to do. We spouses never deserve the pain of our relationship with each other, but such growth can come through the pain. Having been pregnant a few times before, though, I would caution you that during and right after having a baby we ladies are apt to be extremely emotional. Post partum depression is real--and really dangerous. So speak with your priest, confess your sin. Remember that if we confess our sin God is faithful to forgive us. Your priest should know you and your wife well enough to help you figure out if/when you should tell her.

 

[ceres]

Talk to your priest, you need to talk to someone about it so you can start to get it out on the table. I think eventually you need to tell your wife so that both of you can deal with it and put it behind you, but I wouldn't recommend doing it right now! Since you have waited so long already, I would suggest waiting at least 6 months.... until your wife has had the baby and is settled in with that role.

 

[desi]

^ what they said. You should talk to a priest. If you have a Godly tight lipped close friend who has gone through a similar situation it might help to talk to them too.

 

[brian01056]

Dear All, can't sleep and I am going to go talk to a priest soon. Why was I so lustful. I fear if I tell my wife whether now or 6 months from now, it will impact our baby negatively either way. Our marriage would probably be over, my wife would be devasted, and things would never be the same. My child will grow up seeing me maybe ever other saturday because of a 10 minute horribly mistake, from a women i don't even know her name. I am crying as I write this , i am so pathetic. The whole time I have always been emotionally in love with my wife, but a moment of lust will ruin our lives, but i will be free of this guilt. My child will someday ask me daddy why did you an mom get a divorce, and I will have to tell him, and be honest with him about what a horribly mistake I made back before he was born. I feel horribly. I have learned a lot from as I have be come a better husband from all of this , which probably sounds not true, as to what I did, but it made me realize what I have. My wife and I are very happy together, and I have never loved another women or have been that close to another women emotionally speaking. If I ask god for forgiveness and walk with him, is there a chance for me. If I lose my family, I will have lost motivation for living.

 

[chris320]

Dear All, can't sleep and I am going to go talk to a priest soon. Why was I so lustful. I fear if I tell my wife whether now or 6 months from now, it will impact our baby negatively either way...If I lose my family, I will have lost motivation for living.

Sound like you are trying to justify why you do not want to tell your wife. I am of the opinion that your wife needs to know. It will cause a tremendous amount of upheaval in your marriage, whether your wife is pregnant or not. But, this is the price one pays for infidelity. She has a right to know about it. The sooner you tell her, the better.

Do keep in mind that after you tell her, though, she will need the opportunity to express her grief and anger for some time (usually 2 years to fully get over it). You have now had 5 years to try to work your way through it.

Unfortunately, Proverbs 6:33 is right when it says about the one who committed adultery: "A wound and dishonour shall he get; and his reproach shall not be wiped away." You may be tempted not to tell her, but she has a right to know this information and have the opportunity to express grief and anger over it.

-Chris320

 

[karla]

I agree to go and speak with your priest. As far as telling your wife ultimately that is a decision only you can make. As a wife, I would want to know. There is more at stake then just your feelings. Marriage can survive infidelity. My stepdad had an affair while my mom was pregnant with my brother and he ended up confessing it to her. They did spit up for a couple of months and they eventually worked things out. That was 15 years ago. Trust if God and trust in the love that you and your wife share. I will pray for you and whatever decision you make.

God Bless,
Karla

 

[jessiegirl]

I think you should speak to your priest as well. Don't decide what will happen in the future for yourself. You should turn your problems to God. Ask His forgiveness. Ask that when you do tell your wife, that she will have a forgiving heart. You may be surprised at what He will do for you.

 

[harc]

the fact that you choose to disclose your problem in a cyber world, shows that you did not really have the courage to talk to a real person about this. I understand this perfectly cos I have similar problem. You mentioned that its only a 10 minute mistake. You seems telling yourself that you and the family did not deserve all this pain for so long just for a single stupid mistake. But I tell you plainly, the fact that you did that just one year after your marriage shows far deeper problem in your marriage, not to mention the seven year itch. If you claimed that you love your wife very much, that same love should be strong enuf to propel you to confess to her much earlier. No use to talk to a priest or someone just trying to get a pat on the shoulder. Love can conguer fear. Ask yourself, do you have that love? I am not judging you as if I have no problem. I have far more serious one.

 

[Bambi]

I have always been amazed at how emotional the guys get when the wife is pregnant. It seems that those hormones spill over or something. Do you really think your wife will automatically divorce you over this? Or are you projecting what might happen into the real world? She might be able to forgive you. She will be angry and feel betrayed, but why bring this up now while she's pregnant? Why not before the baby was in the picture?Do the selfless thing, lay down your life for her and at least wait until she's adjusted to being a mommy. Talking to your priest is not just looking for a pat on the back. If it works the way its supposed to, it is the best form of Christian counselling available--and he can say those healing words-Christ forgives you-with more understanding than those of us who never will meet you or have to face you in our real lives because he will see you at the next mass and the next church work day. Remember, Christ forgives us when we ask. It is satan who continues to accuse us. When you do tell your wife,you will be able to say that you have already confessed to God and to your priest and you will have the confidence of your own forgiveness to help you bear her pain.

 

[cynjo59]

Myself, I would want to know immediately if my husband did something like that. I think I would feel worse if he waited and somehow feel even more betrayed. Don't allow your fears of "what if?" to stop you from doing what you know in your heart is right. God can take the worst situation and turn it into a miracle. I don't think either that the fact that you made this mistake means that there are necessarily deeper problems in your marriage. Sometimes a mistake is indeed spur of the moment. Your first step should be asking God yourself to forgive you and guide you as to what to do next. Do this and then trust Him. He will not mislead you in any way- He sees the whole picture tapestry, not just the knotted messed up underside that is sometimes all we can see.

 

[HeatherJay]

You obviously love your wife very much. You said that you haven't felt close to God for 5 years or so...don't let that stop you from going to Him.


God never leaves us...we sometimes wander away from Him, but He's always there for you.

Have faith that God can and will forgive you for this sin...all you have to do is ask. Not only does He forgive you...He forgets.

I think you should definitely tell your wife at some point...this secret will destroy you if you don't. As someone else said earlier, pray that God will open her heart and let her forgive you. Be prepared for her to be angry and hurt and betrayed...and be prepared for her not to trust you. But if you show her how committed you are to living the rest of your life with honor and integrity and only for her and your family then I think chances are good that she'll forgive you.

Talk to your priest, definitely. Or just open your heart and talk to God. I'll pray for you and your wife and child. Don't let this one sin become who you are. You sound very very sorry and sincere...just know that God can and will forgive you.

Love, Heather

 

[harc]

Myself, I would want to know immediately if my husband did something like that. I think I would feel worse if he waited and somehow feel even more betrayed. Don't allow your fears of "what if?" to stop you from doing what you know in your heart is right. God can take the worst situation and turn it into a miracle. I don't think either that the fact that you made this mistake means that there are necessarily deeper problems in your marriage. Sometimes a mistake is indeed spur of the moment. Your first step should be asking God yourself to forgive you and guide you as to what to do next. Do this and then trust Him. He will not mislead you in any way- He sees the whole picture tapestry, not just the knotted messed up underside that is sometimes all we can see.

"...a mistake is indeed spur of the moment..."
Yeah, Eve did that too and caused the sacrifice of God's only begotten son. Really unfair to God to do the damage control. Unfair to me becos I have to sweat and earn just a few bugs.

 

[ceres]

Most of the time marriages survive infidelity. It is not the end.

 

[truiz25]

I just want to let you know, that YOU should most defenetly speak to your wife about this. This would leave a strong hold in your relationship if you dont. Everythig in dark must come to light especially if your married. YOU can talk to GOD and ask him to forgive you and tell him that your sorry. GOD will put it in ur heart what to do about it next. Most likely, the next step is to tell your wife, and maybe suggest marriage counseling. Just let her know how you feel and how sorry you are and how sorry you waited so long to tell her because you didnt want to hurt her. let her know that you love her and seek GOD through the whole thing. Just remember let her vent. But continue to be there for her so she knows how sincere you are. You'll be fine. Just seek GOD, if he forgives you, so will your wife. and DONT think divorce!!!!