I need some help

[Tariel]

alright, this is a story I've been working on recently, and I'd like to know what you all think about my beginning. PLEASE rip it apart, I would greatly appreciate it.

I knew all the stories.

I knew the rumors about my home.

But that didn’t prepare me for what I saw as I finally entered that last number—when I finally finished the puzzle. I had never really believed that there was more than a grain of truth to all the legend. I trembled as the result grew clearer. The table itself seemed to shift, until an image was formed that I would recognize anywhere.

Alurax.

It was all there; nothing was lacking and nothing was unfamiliar. It was my world. I found my house and tentatively stroked the roof, fighting the sudden fit of homesickness that consumed me. Why wasn’t I there? I should have been home. I should have been walking along that beautiful beach right now, maybe with Ian or Josh, while gazing at the abandoned glass city out in the water.

Alurax.

That astonishing city at sea. According to legend, nobody had ever lived there—it had simply been the social center of the world. Some say that the city was now filled with the refugees of old Alurax, those few who survived the first attack on the city when I was a child.

I never thought it would come to this. Ian, Josh, and I were the only Aluraxians left; coincidently, we were also the only three who had survived that attack when we were young.

Who could have foreseen it? I know I never did. The three orphans, the only survivors.

In the past seven years my world had shattered so completely that I often wondered if the life from my childhood was only a dream—or some other fleeting, non-tangible substance.

I think I wanted to put the pieces back together; I wanted my life to be like the puzzle.

But the puzzle was here was its completion—and it only led me back to where I started.

It led me to Alurax.

 

[Tariel]

there are blessings for the first five people who rip it apart

yes, I am shameless

 

[Lessien]

OK, I'll take a crack at it, but it was really good, so this'll be kind of hard....

Maybe you should clarify what's going on in the first (well, technically third) paragraph. Is it some kind of magic or science that's making her (him?) see Alurax, or is it just all of the pieces coming together in the hero's mind?

And although I like the imagery where it says "or some other fleeting, non-tangible substance," is it neccessary? What other kinds of fleeting, non-tangible substances are there that could make you think something happened that didn't?

 

[Tariel]

OK, I'll take a crack at it, but it was really good, so this'll be kind of hard....

Maybe you should clarify what's going on in the first (well, technically third) paragraph. Is it some kind of magic or science that's making her (him?) see Alurax, or is it just all of the pieces coming together in the hero's mind?

should I clarify? here I was feeling like I was infodumping It wouldn't be too much to explain it a little?

And although I like the imagery where it says "or some other fleeting, non-tangible substance," is it neccessary? What other kinds of fleeting, non-tangible substances are there that could make you think something happened that didn't?

true, but just saying that it was like a dream doesn't cover it. It was more like her entire childhood had happened to somebody else--in a sense, maybe it did.

Does it seem like an overwhelming amount of information?

 

[Tariel]

anybody else? Or should I tell the BE about this...

 

[Hishandmaiden]

Hi, I post a reply to your BE thread. I hope it helps in some way. Interesting story.

 

[oncewaslost]

i'll post a review after church today. i'm kind of running behind on everything so... i'll take a look-see at your post and let you know what i think.

 

[Tariel]

i'll post a review after church today. i'm kind of running behind on everything so... i'll take a look-see at your post and let you know what i think.

ok

 

[Jehane]

Tariel, I was a little confused as to what was going on but I hate saying something like that when I'm pretty sure it would soon clarify with the rest of your opening & I don't particularly object to having to do my own thinking or waiting for things to sort themselves out.
Sometimes your imagery seems a little inconsistent numbers/puzzle/legend? Just a thought. Feel free to elaborate. I don't much like criticising another writer's work as it is subjective even when one tries to be completely objective.

 

[Tariel]

Tariel, I was a little confused as to what was going on but I hate saying something like that when I'm pretty sure it would soon clarify with the rest of your opening & I don't particularly object to having to do my own thinking or waiting for things to sort themselves out.
Sometimes your imagery seems a little inconsistent numbers/puzzle/legend? Just a thought. Feel free to elaborate. I don't much like criticising another writer's work as it is subjective even when one tries to be completely objective.

I only want your opinions. Please don't try to be objective with me; be as subjective as you want.

You want the quick backstory? Here it is:

The rumors once said that Alurax held the key to ending the war. Afraid that the power that Alurax was said to contain would obliterate both of them, both sides in the war agreed to band together and destroy Alurax.

But the native Aluraxians had already left their mark on both sides of the war. One army had the key to entering the city encoded into the ID numbers of their asassins. The other army held the secret to unlocking the city.

And on top of it all, it takes three native Aluraxians to enter the city--no matter what secrets other have discovered. (Coincidently, that's how many are still alive).

Anyway, the narrator--due to unwholesome experimentation--can track and identify the assasins, as well as decode their numbers. Ian and Josh are two of those assasins. When the story begins, Kate has just finished decoding it all, and once she inspects the model further she will see how to enter the great City at Sea. But she still does not know how to unlock it. She does, however, realize that the rumors are true and understands that she and the boys must be the ones who open Alurax for the first time in over twenty years.

Clear anything up? Or does it just confuse you further?

 

[Jehane]

As an opening sentence the 3rd paragraph of this is brilliant: clear, consise, gripping.

When I put it alongside what you initially posted the original looks weak by comparison. Your original opening would then follow better. It puts your context in place quickly & sets the stage for what comes after.

 

[Tariel]

As an opening sentence the 3rd paragraph of this is brilliant: clear, consise, gripping.

When I put it alongside what you initially posted the original looks weak by comparison. Your original opening would then follow better. It puts your context in place quickly & sets the stage for what comes after.

"The rumors once said that Alurax held the key to ending the war. Afraid that the power that Alurax was said to contain would obliterate both of them, both sides in the war agreed to band together and destroy Alurax."

this? It would be a great opening, unfortunately, this contains information that the narrator does not have.

 

[Jehane]

Oh, well...

That's the problem with not having the whole thing. However having identified for myself what appears to be a weakness the question then begs to be asked; How does one make the opening stronger? I understand you are trying to tantalize & intrigue the reader by only giving hints of what is to come but perhaps something in there needs to be more definite? I am thinking aloud (?!) not telling you how to write. Will think on it some more.

 

[Tariel]

Oh, well...

That's the problem with not having the whole thing. However having identified for myself what appears to be a weakness the question then begs to be asked; How does one make the opening stronger? I understand you are trying to tantalize & intrigue the reader by only giving hints of what is to come but perhaps something in there needs to be more definite? I am thinking aloud (?!) not telling you how to write. Will think on it some more.

it's fine

Kate now is starting to piece together everything. Actually, pretty much the only thing she can't guess at the moment is that the two opposing sides were the ones who destroyed Alurax.

 

[Jehane]

O.K, Tariel. I managed to print this out & have a good look at it & given my computer skills (or lack thereof) that was half the battle.

My first love is poetry so cadence is very important to me, even when reading silently. I love your opening line. The 2nd should flow logically as, 'I knew all the rumours.' Very subjective I know but that's how it strikes me.

I have trouble with your 3rd paragraph. What really bothers me is how entering a last number goes with puzzle & how either goes with legend. Your imagery should remain consistant. Please don't start sentences with a conjunction unless it's for a very good reason. They are stronger done properly.

Love how you use the one word 'Alurax' this way.

5. I feel roof needs to be defined by an adjective here but then there is no tie between the imagery of the roof to the beach. I feel there is a link missing. Is Kate's home beside the beach?

6 & 7 again are a little confusing. It may be me but I understood Alurax to be filled with Alruxan refugees so how do you get just 3 survivors? Perhaps what you mean needs to be a little clearer.

7 'Coincidently' strikes a wrong note. It doesn't sound like your narrator. The 'voice' doesn't sound quite right.

Ditto 'fleeting non-tangible substance'.

You end strongly. I like this & it's nice & clear. My only comment here is it's stronger if you don't start your sentences with a conjunction. Too many fantasy writers do this & it rarely works well.

There is nothing fundamentally wrong with this & if I picked it up of a library shelf I'd certainly be intrigued enough to read further.

I hope that is the sort of thing you wanted & my comments haven't been too harsh. Ugh! Now I'll go away & worry about it.

 

[Tariel]

O.K, Tariel. I managed to print this out & have a good look at it & given my computer skills (or lack thereof) that was half the battle.

My first love is poetry so cadence is very important to me, even when reading silently. I love your opening line. The 2nd should flow logically as, 'I knew all the rumours.' Very subjective I know but that's how it strikes me.

I have trouble with your 3rd paragraph. What really bothers me is how entering a last number goes with puzzle & how either goes with legend. Your imagery should remain consistant. Please don't start sentences with a conjunction unless it's for a very good reason. They are stronger done properly.

Love how you use the one word 'Alurax' this way.

5. I feel roof needs to be defined by an adjective here but then there is no tie between the imagery of the roof to the beach. I feel there is a link missing. Is Kate's home beside the beach?

6 & 7 again are a little confusing. It may be me but I understood Alurax to be filled with Alruxan refugees so how do you get just 3 survivors? Perhaps what you mean needs to be a little clearer.

7 'Coincidently' strikes a wrong note. It doesn't sound like your narrator. The 'voice' doesn't sound quite right.

Ditto 'fleeting non-tangible substance'.

You end strongly. I like this & it's nice & clear. My only comment here is it's stronger if you don't start your sentences with a conjunction. Too many fantasy writers do this & it rarely works well.

There is nothing fundamentally wrong with this & if I picked it up of a library shelf I'd certainly be intrigued enough to read further.

I hope that is the sort of thing you wanted & my comments haven't been too harsh. Ugh! Now I'll go away & worry about it.

Now first of all, I want to make sure that you understand that I do not intend to change anything in this story simply because you said it should be changed. Also, please understand that this is an unedited rough draft. I do not think that you were too harsh. If you want to be harsher, by all means do so. But, that doesn't necessarily mean I'll change a thing.

Now onto your comments:

I'll think about the second paragraph, and I'll keep that in mind about the conjunctions.

Now, many of your other comments are very similar. Phrases like, "...What you mean needs to be clearer." "...a little confusing." And, my favorite, "I felt there is a link missing." Perfect.

For how can the reader fathom something that the narrator doesn't understand? This is what the world looks like though Kate's eyes. Besides, she's really excited right now, she has conflicting memories and just a lot of random oddness.

Now one more thing that I feel I should explain to you know. There are two Aluraxs. There's the city and the village. When Alurax is mentioned, it can mean either the city, the village, or both. The village was built on the outskirts of the city (the city at sea--take that literally). The village is the one was was destroyed twice. The city is where the people fled to. The village is where Kate, Ian, and Josh grew up. After the first attack, the village was repopulated. Then it was attacked again and the people were massacred. By then everybody had the idea--Alurax was not the social center as it once was.

I was also especially intruiged by your comment about "coincidently" being out of character for her. Amazing. Just so you know, my characters don't do stuff out of character often at all. Sometimes it may appear that they do, but most of the time there is a reason. This is one of those times. I won't explain it now, but there IS a reason.

If your obsessed with it sounded poetic, this story will drive you crazy. No scared young woman with such a shallow hold on reality will be sweet and poetic. She'll start her sentances with conjunctions if she wants to.

BTW, have you ever read, "And I Love You" ? I'd be interested to see what you think of that.

 

[Jehane]

I haven't read the book you mention & I never expected you to change anything at all. Why would you? I have no idea what you are attempting to do. I merely gave comments in the hope it would allow clarification for you.

BTW, one of my favourite books is full of sentences beginning with conjunctions. I don't have to be consistant.

Thanks for clarifying about the 2 Aluraxes. I thought it might be something like that but as it wasn't clear I had to ask. As for the poetry thing, have you ever read How Green is my Valley? It's a good example of the use of cadence & voice without being poetry. Nor did I mean to suggest you use it for the whole book, just that opening. O.k. Hope you get other takers as well. It would be good to have a mix of opinions.

 

[Tariel]

I haven't read the book you mention & I never expected you to change anything at all. Why would you? I have no idea what you are attempting to do. I merely gave comments in the hope it would allow clarification for you.

BTW, one of my favourite books is full of sentences beginning with conjunctions. I don't have to be consistant.

Thanks for clarifying about the 2 Aluraxes. I thought it might be something like that but as it wasn't clear I had to ask. As for the poetry thing, have you ever read How Green is my Valley? It's a good example of the use of cadence & voice without being poetry. Nor did I mean to suggest you use it for the whole book, just that opening. O.k. Hope you get other takers as well. It would be good to have a mix of opinions.

no...I mean the voice I'm going for is SUPPOSED to be sparatic and unflowing. If it flowed well at all it wouldn't work.

And hold on, I can find "And I Love You" somewhere for you to read. It's a short story--very short.

 

[Tariel]

And I Love You
by Jaci Kelter

He’s gone. I haven’t seen him for six months now—no one has. It has been six months since his death, since my heart was ripped out and battered—battered like his cold mutilated body. I yearn for him still, I long to wrap myself within his powerful embrace. I know that I will never see him again, but still I dream. Always I hear his voice ringing in my heart. “Don’t cry. I’m here. And I love you.” They were among the last words he ever said to me. With those words he told me for the first time that he loved me. The first time, and the only time. He died that next morning, was killed in battle. I think he knew that he wouldn’t live through the fight. He feared he would die, that I know. He said as much to me that night. That was why we spoke together that night; he feared dying—but more than that he feared dying without telling me how he felt. That is what he told me. And so his words ring endlessly. “Don’t cry. I’m here. And I love you.” I hear his words and for the briefest of moments he is still alive; he is still with me. In this feeble way I have, at least in my mind, kept my beloved alive.
“Don’t cry. I’m here. And I love you.” Those words are all that have sustained me these past six months.
“Don’t cry. I’m here. And I love you.” I breath them endlessly, they are the rhythm my heart beats to.
“Don’t cry. I’m here. And I love you.” They are my strength, all I have left.
“Don’t cry. I’m here. And I love you.” I would die without those life-giving words.
“Don’t cry. I’m here. And I love you.” They are the blood coursing though my veins.
"Don’t cry. I’m here. And I love you.” They are my life.
“Don’t cry.” They are my hope.
“I’m here.” They’re all I have left.
“And I love you.”

 

[Jehane]

Proves my point completely.

I should be shot for being ambigious. Yes this works. Not sure that I would have done it this way. Still think it is better as a general rule not to start with a conjunction.