I need some help with abusive relationship!

[sandytul]

I really need some counsel here,
I am 23 and have been married to my husband for four and a half years. He started being violent towards me about two weeks to a month after we were married and it continued on from that point. the physical abuse occurred approximately every two weeks to a month during our marriage. The physical abuse included, Slapping on the face, pulling down by hair, spitting in face, punching arms and legs leaving bruises, chokehold, shoving to ground, kicking, assault with knife and gun(although I know he would never actually hurt me with these weapons, he was just trying to scare me), shaking me by grabbing neck, Gave me a black-eye once by throwing an object at my face,
I come from a home where "divorce" is not even mentioned. My husband is a minister so it makes everything even more complicated. He is also a charming man as well, he says sweet things to me, treats me nicely, tells people how wonderful he thinks I am, etc.. But then when he is angry he does the physical abuse.
I have begged him to change, get help, told him how hurt I was inside, he never changed. He said he would, admitted he had a problem but never changed or took any steps to.
Now I left the house, have even filed for divorce. I have been gone a little while. He signed up for counseling. But even with couseling there is no guarantee that he will change. I am scared to leave, and I am scared to stay. Im not sure I even love him anymore, I am worn out. I just want to do the right thing for my life at this point. please give me your input.

 

[Suzannah]

Dear Sweet Sandy ,



first, I want to tell you that you are under no obligation to stay with this man, minister or no, Christian or no....you have every right to preserve your life, and protect yourself and your children at all costs. I hope you will stay away from him, and keep your children, if any away from him. I also hope you will seek legal counsel as to divorce, and child support as well as spousal support if possible.

Your answer lies in exactly what you stated:"I have begged him to change, get help, told him how hurt I was inside, he never changed. He said he would, admitted he had a problem but never changed or took any steps to."
He has not shown the "fruits" of the Lord, has he??? So you are under no obligation to stay. And you are under no spiritual "law" that says you have to stay married. Your husband is a dangerously unbalanced man, and no Christian in their right mind would recommend that you stay with him.

I am certain that you are frightened of what people will say, how they will treat you and what you should do next. My advice: Rest in the Lord. Know that a home without Jesus will show all the "fruits" you have experienced in your marriage. Your husband is not living and behaving as a Christian husband and you have every right to treat him as an "unbeliever" in this instance, and get out of the marriage.

Our Lord is merciful . He is just, and loving to his children and He does not wish for His female children to be abused by their husbands. Rest in the Lord and stay away, get a divorce and move on. You are young and the Lord has much work for you to do.
Being married to a lout isn't it.



Love, your new friend, Suzannah

 

[JVD]

I feel very strongly against divorce. In my family divorce just doesn't happen. We don't have any abusive relationship either that I know of.

That said...get away from this man. Divorce him and get good legal counsel to do it right. He should have absolutely no reason to try to get you to go back to him and I would recommend that you do not do it.

It is good that he is in counseling, but do not let that fool you into getting back under his thumb.

You haven't mentioned children. If there aren't any that makes things easier.

 

[Alternate Carpark]

Sandytul, may God's Holy Spirit comfort you and fill you with peace during this painful time in your life.

It is quite scriptural that you would separate yourself from your husband. God would not call anyone to endue such abuse.
But divorce is something completely different and that is not something you should be persuing at this time.

You must remember that your husband is God's child as well and even though he is doing terrible things to you, he is still loved by God.

It is said that we must love the sinner but hate the sin.
This concept applies to anyone who is sinning.
This does not mean you should live with your husband, but it means that you should love him as your husband, especially since you vowed to do so for better or worse.

Sadly for you, you have had to endue more worse than better.
God does not see your husband as a 'lout', but just another child of His
trapped in an internal hell that he cannot escape.

The key issue of course is anger. You husband is a wonderful man until he becomes angry. God is able to heal him of this dysfunction if your husband is brave enough to trust God.

You speak of it being more complicated because he is a minister.
Do you mean it will be more embarrassing if people find out about it ?
Are people going to freak out because the 'minister' has severe problems ?

You know what...how about how God will be glorified when he is healed of this problem
regardless of what others in the community will think.
There is only two things about this issue that concerns God.
Your safety and your husbands freedom from this problem.

This of course boils down to three initial people.
God, you and your husband.
Each has a particular part toplay in your husbands freedom.

Then there are others that can help.
People can pray for each of you.
And each of you should seek professional help from a spirit filled psychologist, together or separately.

God is always looking for a win win situation. He has no favourites and He doesn't condemn anyone who falls into sin or is trapped in some dysfunction.

You will find that deep down, your husband hates what he does, but he is unable to free himself from it's grasp.

Your safety is God's first priority, then the release of your husband.

 

[breezynosacek]

I totally 100% agree with what carpark said.

How can divorce solve anything when God hates divorce?

Seek God and seek Him and seek Him. He will reveal His will to you. I endured quite a bit over a 2 yr period to do it God's way and not my way. In the end, I had peace and no recriminations.

Yes, stay away from the man until God reveals that he has changed. But be prepared that it could take years and he has to want to change. That could take a long time as well. In the meantime, pray for him.

 

[Snowhite]

Sandy, your husband is not only an abuser, he's a lair, and probably has some serious personality disorders. The fact that he is a pastor and treats you well in front of others is a MAJOR RED FLAG. My dad is very similar. You need to get away from him as soon as possible, and be prepared to back up everything you say or he will paint you as the liar. He has broken the marriage coventant, and you have no obligation to allow him to continue abusing you.

 

[DrBob]

I agree with Snowhite. The abuse involved here is extreme and criminal.
You may find additional resources on abuse and domestic violence on a part of my website:

http://unr.edu/homepage/shubinsk/abuse.html

I will pray for you as well. Since your husband is a minister, there should be some higher church authority to contact. Not just to help your situation but because others may be at risk from his teachings since he is someone who needs some real psychological help.
If you cannot find anyone like that to contact, please contact other pastors or ministers in your area who may be able to help this man get the help he needs. The most loving thing you can do for him is to hold him ACCOUNTABLE for his behavior and to give him consequences for his actions.

private message (pm) me if you need to.

Doc

 

[sandytul]

I appreciate the advice given. As far as having to stay in the marriage due to my marriage vows. You must understand that he broke those vows to me long ago. God is a God of love and would not want anyone to live in these circumstances. Yes, God hates divorce but he hates physical violence such as this more. As far as children , I have no children. I have been told that even with extensive counseling he may not change, in fact statisticly the odds are against it. There is a 10% chance according to statistics. His parents also say that I am partly to blame. I am extremely concerned that If I stayed with him he may change for a while but once some time passes he could return to his violent behavior. One moment he says he will do anything to keep me in his life, the next moment he says he doesnt think the marriage can be restored, that Im not worth it. One moment he says he's totally to blame, that he is changing. The next moment he says if I do not go to individual couseling he will not continue the marriage, that my expectations are too high of marriage. Part of me is still emotionally attached to him because he can also be a very charming,nice man as well. This is what makes this decision so difficult.