I am back posting again about my marriage... my husband told me it was over between us this past weekend after starting a petty argument. I was on my way to church, so I went and when I came back later in the day he had taken down the prayer corner that he helped me build in the other room and moved all of his things in there and carelessly thrown some of my things in what was formerly our room. I didn't really feel up to having a conversation with him that day, as I was hurt...
He has done this before (threatened divorce to me) during arguments and then later he says he doesn't mean it, but every time it tears me up. I have some abandonment fears and I am insecure, find it hard to trust, and we have been in therapy for a couple months now; he knows this is a major weak spot for me and our therapist has told him it's destructive. Nonetheless, the behavior continues. I think I could forgive it easy once, but now it's feeling like he either wants the divorce or he's found a weak spot.
He is not a Christian so part of me feels like 1 Corinthians 7:15 applies. But then I think that I am being hard hearted and trying to justify my wanting to end this and be unloving. Besides, he isn't really ending the marriage; he's just dangling the threat over me enough to let me know how angry he is, or something... Sad thing is, it's working, and I don't really trust that next time it wont be "for real." As in, he'll just say he's really done with it. I was so scared this Sunday/Monday that I started making plans with family and the few friends I have. Yesterday I called to look at a house for rent.
We went to counseling yesterday as well. It turns out that my husband feels he has lost himself in our marriage, so he overreacts to my expression of feeling upset or hurt and goes for the jugular, I guess. I think he gave up a lot of things because he wanted me to like him, and I think he did a lot of things because he wanted me to like him. I didn't ask him to do these things, but I did make clear who I was, and that didn't always fit with the things he liked (ie, the group of far left academic/activist types who give literary readings that he used to hang out with before we met... I am not a leftist, not a right, I find it all obnoxious. I spent my time as an activist and don't want anything to do with it now. Even when I was more invested in politics I would have considered these folks to be naive, bourgeois, armchair types, speechifying about the man... anyway, it's just not my scene. at. all.) I have grown a lot during our marriage, and perhaps this has put additional pressure (in his mind) to lose himself more.
I don't really know that I even know him now... if it's true he just twisted himself to an image he thought would be acceptable to me. On the plus, he has decided that therapy isn't just a load of crap, and he is looking into individual therapy on his own.
The thing is, he hasn't shown any real remorse for the damage he's done with his threats. Last night he asked me what I wanted to do about sleeping arrangements. I think this was his way of saying he wanted to share a room. I told him I wanted separate rooms for now though. He said he was sorry for making things difficult, but that was pretty much it...
I think I want to divorce more than I want to stay together. Last night he told me he is going to start doing things on his own (like, going out places w/out me) and I started to feel anxious. I have wanted him to pursue his friendships outside of us, but this announcement coupled with the divorce threats... I just feel profoundly uneasy. I have been thinking a lot about just moving out on my own, and have a foot out the door mentally due to them. I don't know if I want to continue while my husband finds himself... I feel like he's just preparing to divorce me and isn't ready to do it yet.
He has done this before (threatened divorce to me) during arguments and then later he says he doesn't mean it, but every time it tears me up. I have some abandonment fears and I am insecure, find it hard to trust, and we have been in therapy for a couple months now; he knows this is a major weak spot for me and our therapist has told him it's destructive. Nonetheless, the behavior continues. I think I could forgive it easy once, but now it's feeling like he either wants the divorce or he's found a weak spot.
He is not a Christian so part of me feels like 1 Corinthians 7:15 applies. But then I think that I am being hard hearted and trying to justify my wanting to end this and be unloving. Besides, he isn't really ending the marriage; he's just dangling the threat over me enough to let me know how angry he is, or something... Sad thing is, it's working, and I don't really trust that next time it wont be "for real." As in, he'll just say he's really done with it. I was so scared this Sunday/Monday that I started making plans with family and the few friends I have. Yesterday I called to look at a house for rent.
We went to counseling yesterday as well. It turns out that my husband feels he has lost himself in our marriage, so he overreacts to my expression of feeling upset or hurt and goes for the jugular, I guess. I think he gave up a lot of things because he wanted me to like him, and I think he did a lot of things because he wanted me to like him. I didn't ask him to do these things, but I did make clear who I was, and that didn't always fit with the things he liked (ie, the group of far left academic/activist types who give literary readings that he used to hang out with before we met... I am not a leftist, not a right, I find it all obnoxious. I spent my time as an activist and don't want anything to do with it now. Even when I was more invested in politics I would have considered these folks to be naive, bourgeois, armchair types, speechifying about the man... anyway, it's just not my scene. at. all.) I have grown a lot during our marriage, and perhaps this has put additional pressure (in his mind) to lose himself more.
I don't really know that I even know him now... if it's true he just twisted himself to an image he thought would be acceptable to me. On the plus, he has decided that therapy isn't just a load of crap, and he is looking into individual therapy on his own.
The thing is, he hasn't shown any real remorse for the damage he's done with his threats. Last night he asked me what I wanted to do about sleeping arrangements. I think this was his way of saying he wanted to share a room. I told him I wanted separate rooms for now though. He said he was sorry for making things difficult, but that was pretty much it...
I think I want to divorce more than I want to stay together. Last night he told me he is going to start doing things on his own (like, going out places w/out me) and I started to feel anxious. I have wanted him to pursue his friendships outside of us, but this announcement coupled with the divorce threats... I just feel profoundly uneasy. I have been thinking a lot about just moving out on my own, and have a foot out the door mentally due to them. I don't know if I want to continue while my husband finds himself... I feel like he's just preparing to divorce me and isn't ready to do it yet.
