I need some advice

[crazyforchrist]

Hey ya'll,

I'm usually the one giving advice to others, but I've run into one of my own dilemmas and now I need some sound Christian advice on this relationship I'm involved in.

Okay so about a year ago I met this guy who is a musician and writer as well as me. He taught me alot of what I know on the guitar and we have written alot of songs together. My sister, him, and I formed a band back in December. We have played at a couple festivals since then. That is all wonderful stuff, but behind the scenes there is more to the story.

This guy and I got emotionally attached as we got to know each other more over the following months. We're now close as ever and he wants to marry me some day. As do I, but my parents are advising me to just be friends with him and not get into a relationship. Well, it's too late for that. We've been emotionally and somewhat romantically involved for some time now. We haven't done anything past hugs and we held hands once. But overall we've managed to remain pure. We're saving our first kiss for the altar with whoever that may be.
Anyway, my parents don't want me tied down to one guy. We don't believe in dating. My dad doesn't even want us courting. He wants me to keep my options open and get to know other guys before making a decision to get married.

Now Caleb (the guy I'm talking about) and I have been talking alot on msn and have exchanged tons of emails over the year. We talk on the phone every now and then too. My dad views this as courting, but on the internet. So he wants to put a stop to it. He's giving me the chance to do something to stop it so he doesn't have to. Yet if we're to be friends, then why can't I continue to email and message him? That's how I keep in touch with all my friends.
We are allowed to talk sometimes he says. Just can't talk about the future and getting married or make plans for the months ahead where we're together.
Basically I'm confused with this. We're to be friends yet not date anyone and I'm supposed to meet other guys and I'm allowed to go on "a" date with them. Like one date, but can't make it a habit. I'm very confused. He says don't date then he says I can go on dates with different guys. I really don't want to do this. I like to stick with one person rather than jump around with all kinds of guys. I just don't see it as practical....
So who's right? How do I work this out?
Will I ever get married if I'm not allowed to get emotionally attached with anyone?
It just doesn't make sense.

*Rebekah*

 

[eatenbylocusts]

What are your plans for the future? I'm guessing your dad doesn't want you to let the guy get in the way of you achieving your goals. He also probably doesn't want you to marry anytime soon or to the wrong guy.

You don't have to "date" to get to know other guys. You can get to know guys at church and in other social situations. I don't see anything wrong about talking about what your views on marriage are, but they should be in a general fashion, not "when we get married..." At least at this point.

 

[crazyforchrist]

What are your plans for the future? I'm guessing your dad doesn't want you to let the guy get in the way of you achieving your goals. He also probably doesn't want you to marry anytime soon or to the wrong guy.

You don't have to "date" to get to know other guys. You can get to know guys at church and in other social situations. I don't see anything wrong about talking about what your views on marriage are, but they should be in a general fashion, not "when we get married..." At least at this point.

My dad's plans for my future are for me to go to college and get some degrees in good fields so I can support myself. I'm still thinking about this. I have reasons why I wouldn't go to college because of the fields I'd be getting into.
I'm pursuing music as in performing on stages to become a music artist. I also do web design and have been teaching myself all that I can in relation to it. I see that as a kind of backup for my music. Caleb also is a musician and actually is performing on stages right now at coffee shops in his hometown. I also want to do be able to do this and where he is the action is right now. Where I'm at there is little support for my style of music. Caleb is also supporting me 100% in my web design and wants to invest in me. Help make me the best I can be, but there are reasons I have for not going to college for it.
So yeah my dad is worried I'll marry the wrong guy and be unhappy cause I'm unfullfilled. Yet music and web design is what gives me fullfillment and with Caleb I can do both. There are opportunities for me in his path.
I don't know why my dad would be fighting so hard against this. I mean any guy I meet and introduce to him could be the wrong guy for me....

 

[MMXII]

This may or may not be what you'd like to hear. At 17, I can understand your parents concern with your future and all that comes with that...college, job, marriage, kids, etc. It's hard for parents (I know, I have 2 daughters 22 & 19) to see their children heading down the wrong pathways in life. Don't know when your birthday is but you'll soon be of the age of majority and can, for the most part, make decisions on your own.

Here's what I don't understand in your original post: "We don't believe in dating." How did your parents meet? Do they believe in arranged marriages? Maybe I'm missing the concept of dating vs. courtship. When I was your age (yup, I can still remember ) we dated just for fun. There were no future plans in our heads, it was just a nice night out to the movies or something like that. The older I got, the more serious the relationships got...but I still called it dating. Maybe this old broad is confused.

 

[crazyforchrist]

This may or may not be what you'd like to hear. At 17, I can understand your parents concern with your future and all that comes with that...college, job, marriage, kids, etc. It's hard for parents (I know, I have 2 daughters 22 & 19) to see their children heading down the wrong pathways in life. Don't know when your birthday is but you'll soon be of the age of majority and can, for the most part, make decisions on your own.

Here's what I don't understand in your original post: "We don't believe in dating." How did your parents meet? Do they believe in arranged marriages? Maybe I'm missing the concept of dating vs. courtship. When I was your age (yup, I can still remember ) we dated just for fun. There were no future plans in our heads, it was just a nice night out to the movies or something like that. The older I got, the more serious the relationships got...but I still called it dating. Maybe this old broad is confused.

I couldn't post earlier. Some bug in the sytem. I
pressed "submit reply" and the page didn't load right and I lost all of it.

Anyway, I'll summarize what I said.
My dad sees courting as a form of dating, but courting is a steady dating and usually the next step before marriage. He encourages me to go on 1 date per guy, but not make it a habit where I continue to go out. My parents dated actually, but they don't want me doing the same thing they did.
Here's the layout for meeting someone and then marrying them.

Get acquainted
Become friends
Become really good friends
and get to know each other as friends.
Maybe become best friends.
If interested and you're ready for a relationship
go on "a" date with them. Not dates. Just one.
Then from there decide if you want to get married or not.
That's after you've gotten to know them very well as
friends and have a good knowledge of who they are and
if you're attracted to them in that way.
Then start courting. There you can talk about your future ahead
and possibly make some plans for a wedding and all that.
Finally get married.

So I get lost between the date and marriage....like you've known each other that long and you're just starting to talk about relationships and having kids, some of the serious issues that come up. You never touched thos subjects as friends and so this all fresh and you've gotten so far with the person so you're now just finding this out.
I dunno...

See I'm thinking if I go to college it will be after I get married. But is that practical? I've seen it done. I know someone who does it and the couple is perfectly happy as far as I know.
We are being asked, "What's the hurry?" Well, if there wasn't such a deep passion and love between us, we would be willing to wait, but we have chemistry and passion which is what my parents had and they got married five months after they met. We've known each other for a year.
So anyway, everytime we're together it's like a light goes on. We think for our sake to remain pure we need to get married as soon as we are able. Like Paul said, "It's better to marry than burn with passion." What do you all think?

 

[ChildOfGod20]

Your dad can't make decisions for you. I'm sure he has good intentions but you need to make the decisions for yourself and ask God for guidance. What does God have to say about all this? Is His plan for you to go to college? Is His plan for you to be with this guy? Honestly, it really bugs me when people say you need to get to know other guys before you settle down with one. If you are following God's path then He will lead you to the right person, and you don't necessarily have to date other people along the way. My boyfriend and I were each others first boyfriend/girlfriend and we are marrying each other because we know this is God's plan. Anyway, since you are 17 and live with your Dad you are going to have to obey his house rules. So if he says no dating then you pretty much can't date. But I would just try to get him to understand your point of view and the fact that you are almost an adult and need to make your own decisions.

 

[Deliberatetourist]

Isn't there something in the Bible about "seeking first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added unto you"? How hypocrytical of the father. It never ceases to amaze me how many Christians will champion this verse and then in the next breath tell you about all they are doing to shore up their chances of landing that great job at all costs. Of course this isn't suprising coming form a culture who's born again Christian parents, when polled about their desires for their children, placed career and education above a meaningful relationship with Jesus. And we wonder why this nation is going to hell in a handbasket?

 

[eatenbylocusts]

See I'm thinking if I go to college it will be after I get married. But is that practical? I've seen it done. I know someone who does it and the couple is perfectly happy as far as I know.
We are being asked, "What's the hurry?" Well, if there wasn't such a deep passion and love between us, we would be willing to wait, but we have chemistry and passion which is what my parents had and they got married five months after they met. We've known each other for a year.
So anyway, everytime we're together it's like a light goes on. We think for our sake to remain pure we need to get married as soon as we are able. Like Paul said, "It's better to marry than burn with passion." What do you all think?

I think 17 and 18 is too young to be making a decision about who to marry. Your bf might be the man you marry, but it would be better to be more prepared for marriage. I don't understand what kind of reasons you might have for not going to college, but I've never heard anyone voice regret for getting an education. If you're not sure what to major in you can still get an AA in general education that you can build on later.

It's quite possible to go to school after marriage and even after having kids, but it's harder. Would the two of you be able to support yourselves? Money is a big point of contention in a marriage.

 

[Alenci]

We are being asked, "What's the hurry?" Well, if there wasn't such a deep passion and love between us, we would be willing to wait, but we have chemistry and passion which is what my parents had and they got married five months after they met. We've known each other for a year.
So anyway, everytime we're together it's like a light goes on. We think for our sake to remain pure we need to get married as soon as we are able. Like Paul said, "It's better to marry than burn with passion." What do you all think?

Or it's better to separate to keep your purity rather than rush headlong into an early marriage unprepared.

And if it involves going against your parents, that would be even worse.

Pray fervently about this situation. And perhaps you should prayerfully consider broaching the topic with your parents again- not the topic of marriage, but the topic of what they want for you. You sound perplexed about it. Most parents care deeply for the welfare of their children and want to advise them out of their wisdom and experience... but at the very least, parents are not irrational beings. They must have some self-consistant plan for you. Ask them to state their wishes in clear terms and explain their motivations for asking you to do so, before you pass judgment.

I am not qualified to give you advice. This is why I refer you back to your parents, who do know you better than anyone else on this forum. And in particular, I refer you to God... he knows you better than either you or your parents know yourself.

 

[Johnnz]

You will be suprised how much your thinking can change over the next there or four years. I suspect your parents are wanting to protect you from too hastya conclusion about your future life's partner. From my experience with young girls your age they may be a bit wiser than you can recognise right now.

John
NZ

 

[Mskedi]

As a child of parents who married very young (about a year older than you) and are still very, very happy together, I'd say there's nothing wrong with you talking about your future with this guy. Heck, my great-grandparents started dating when they were around 14, got married right out of high school, and only separated when my great-grandpa died at 99. I do believe that people can grow together.

Also, it's not impossible to get educated (or pursue a career or both) while married. Essentially, it's like having a roommate while in college. It, of course, requires budgeting and prioritizing, but just about anything important does.

In my parent's case, they weren't too savvy in the birth-control area and had a kid way too early into the marriage, which cut all their college dreams short. Then they had me. Feeding children and keeping them off the streets became more important than an education. But they were avid readers and still managed to be intellectually stimulated while working fairly unskilled jobs to keep us from starving. They had rough times, and still do, but they're happy people.

On the other hand, I have friends who married right out of high school who went to college and both got lucrative jobs and bought a house before having children. They're also happy.

And I've known people who married right out of high school to only get divorced a year later.

The point here being that neither your father nor you have any clue what the future is going to be for you. It sounds like you're being wise in your relationship choices as regards to your personal morals, so I see no harm in you continuing your friendship-with-mushy-feelings with this guy. I'd consider your dad a bit out of line on this one.

 

[Inperfected]

My suggestion? read i kissed dating goodbye. not for the moral of the entire book, but for a particualr story... find the one about burying letters. If you can wait, and pull back "HONESTLY" from each other, you'll have a much better chance of staying together in the long run if it iswhat god wants..

p.s. How old is he?

 

[MMXII]

So I get lost between the date and marriage....like you've known each other that long and you're just starting to talk about relationships and having kids, some of the serious issues that come up. You never touched thos subjects as friends and so this all fresh and you've gotten so far with the person so you're now just finding this out.
I dunno...

See I'm thinking if I go to college it will be after I get married. But is that practical? I've seen it done. I know someone who does it and the couple is perfectly happy as far as I know.
We are being asked, "What's the hurry?" Well, if there wasn't such a deep passion and love between us, we would be willing to wait, but we have chemistry and passion which is what my parents had and they got married five months after they met. We've known each other for a year.
So anyway, everytime we're together it's like a light goes on. We think for our sake to remain pure we need to get married as soon as we are able. Like Paul said, "It's better to marry than burn with passion." What do you all think?

I hear what you are saying here but don't let the desires cloud your thinking. And they do, and they will. Remaining pure is a lot of work. Once the devil gets a toehold, it's hard to stop an out of control thing. Don't let that happen.

Is it ok with your parents to go out with a crowd? It's easier to remain pure when you are not left alone.

I read once or heard something where Rev. Billy Graham was never alone with the lady that became his wife. In fact, he was never alone with any woman that wasn't family. That's living purely. Is it easy? Heck no!!

Are you both involved in a youth group at church? That's another avenue you can take to be together.

My suggestions, fwiw, would be take it slow. Go to college, get your degree, land a great job and then...think about marriage. It's hard work honey, I've made my mistakes...failed marriages is not something to be proud of. Let God work in you first, to help you mature and be the woman He wants you to be.

 

[crazyforchrist]

My suggestion? read i kissed dating goodbye. not for the moral of the entire book, but for a particualr story... find the one about burying letters. If you can wait, and pull back "HONESTLY" from each other, you'll have a much better chance of staying together in the long run if it iswhat god wants..

p.s. How old is he?

I have read that book twice actually and am hearing it for a third time. I missed alot the first time and the second time I picked things up I hadn't before, but the third time I'm noticing tons of things I missed cause I guess I was clouded by emotions and stuff.

He's 18 going on 19 and I'm 17 going on 18 in a few months.

 

[Inperfected]

Ok... take it SLOW.. Why do I say this? Because me and my ex were going to do the same thing, this was after about 5 months together... and we stayed together for another 7ish months. He ended it. Just because it feels like it couldn't end now, doesn't mean it's true.

What's he like? Judge his character and remember that the feelings of intense passion you talk about fade. They really do, and when they fade you need something to stand on so you don't come to the end then, married or not.

You quote from paul, but I quote from I think psalms... It says above all else, guard your heart. The passion can be controlled, of course it's still there, but can be controlled...

But I think all I have to say can be summed up REALLY easily... While you live under your parents roof, you need to honor your parents... and in this case................................. I'm sorry.

 

[Alenci]

You quote from paul, but I quote from I think psalms... It says above all else, guard your heart. The passion can be controlled, of course it's still there, but can be controlled....

Sounds like...

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."
Proverbs 4:23.

Though I am not sure what you were trying to say.

The verse that came to mind, at least for me, was:

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?"
Jeremiah 17:9

Maybe this is not so relevant either?

Or at the least, a little harsh.

But the truth in this verse, though uncomfortable, never ceases to amaze me.

Alright, I'm done being a stormcloud.

 

[sunshinejennii]

Wow some good advice. If you have any future with this guy, and theres the potential for a healthy god centred relationship then evn if you try and avoid it, it will happen. That doesn't mean giving him and dating or courting him, that means creating some distance, you might be treating him as a friend, but the emotional basis is different. Spend some time apart, persue other friendships and see where you stand when contact is re-established. If you have any faith in your friendship then a period of not being friends won't change anything, but the emotional basis may shift slightly. Some Christian girls (and im not suggesting you're necessarily one of them, I don't know you and couldn't say) find that a lack of experience with relationships, because of honourable intentions leads to confusion in early adulthood. I know some girls for whom the first time they experienced an emotional connection with a guy believed it to be the basis for a future together, looking back they realise that what they were experiencing was an attraction, but nothing compared to how they felt for their eventual husband.

Don't feed the fire, if it's still burning with no attention it might be worth examining it's usefulness.

 

[crazyforchrist]

Thanks for all the advice.

crazyforchrist

 

[SnarphBlat]

I just read about all those posts. And I am really in the same shoes that CrazyForChrist is in. And thanks for all those posts becasue it really helped me too.

 

[starprincess]

I think your father has good intentions.
He just wants you to explore your options before seriously thinking bout marrying soemone.
He probably just feels you should take your time and get to know some more guys......that way whatever decision you make in the future, you'll be confident about it.

17 seems to be a young age to be so involved with a guy.....socialise and get to know people a little more


As my folks used to tell me "ENJOY YOUR YOUTH"

Your time willl come for that...sooner than you know