I Need Serious Help.

[Softee]

Hello,

I am a 16 years old and i live in the Uk. Now from when i was a little girl, i remember trying to pray and talk to God and then in the back of my mind i would be saying "i hate God". As i grew up the thoughts about God got worse. To cut a long story short, for a looonngg time i blamed myself, i thought i was abnormal and wasn't worthy of God at all, i did not know how i was going to face God on judgement day, i could actually see him in my mind saying i was a devils child and throwing me in the pitts. (I rebuk that in the name of Jesus). At one point i thought that i should kill myself just so this person with this awful mind would go away.A part of me kinda knew there was something more to this though, how can someone who loves God so much now turn around and be having horrible thoughts about him and about things that hurt. I had these kind of thoughts for years. TORTURE.

Then one day me being my usual playful self, i done a mental/ personality test, and the test asked me if my mind has thoughts that i cannot control, i found this rather odd and shocking that this really exists so i looked at the heading of the question and it read 'mind ocd'. Although i haven't been diagnosed yet, i have diagnosed myself and i am 110% sure this is what i suffer from.

Now to the problem, the worst thought and FEELING that my ocd does to me is so bad i cannot mention it. All i can say is that it is terrible and it literally torures me. Just this morning i was literally broken, i can't cry, i can't hold my head in my hands, can't stomp my feet, i have done everything. I can't ignore it because it is not only in the form of a voice in my mind..i FEEL it also, but i can still guarentee it is not me, NOT ONE BIT I REBUK IT IN THE NAME OF JESUS.

Examples of my ocd

• I sleep with a cloth on my ear to prevent anything falling in it while i sleep (this happened once while i was awake)
• I don't sing any song about Souls as i am scared that...(I don't even wanna say it but im sure you get the drift) *something to do with satan*
• I can't read/watch/ be told about anything about satan or even Christ my mind will be playing it all night and evil thoughts will be produced from it
• A couple of months ago i watched a christian program on sercular artists, there was one artist who made a film about his deal with satan. Now I face a certain way while i sleep because i am afraid that the character is there.
• In a night i will end up saying "i rebuk that in the name of Jesus" about 100 times for every evil thought or image that enters my mind.

Theres much more but some of them are too evil to even post them on here so i will leave it as that.

At times i can control this OCD and tell it to shut up but other times, i diggs deep and pains me, for the fact that i have to live with this, and its not even me!

Thanks for taking time to read this. God bless you

 

[gracealone]

Hi Softee,
First let me say to you just how sorry I am for the tremendous amount of suffering you are experiencing. You do have OCD, it is not a spiritual problem, it is not because you have unconfessed sin, it IS because you have a chemical imbalance in your brain. Many of us on this forum know exactly what you are talking about and you can't shock us by what you are saying because we've lived your pain in many different ways. You do need to see a Doctor and open up about these obsessions and get on the right medication which will help to take the level of horrifying anxiety down a whole lot. Then you need to learn about how to do exposure/respose therapy by a psychologist. I'll write more to you later but I have to sign off for now cause I'm expecting a ph. call. Don't give up though, come back to this forum. There are lots of compassionate people here who can give you great advice because they have been through the same misery that you are experiencing right now.
Hang in there OK?
Gracealone

 

[stacii]

Softee,
To be sure, I have been there before, and often revisit. I know of all the problems and fears that you are too scared to mention. Truly I do. You are not the first person on here who has been afraid of selling their soul to the devil or some other such thing. The fear is gripping and renders you helpless and can even make you wonder where God is during all this - which can lead to more obsessing.

Gracealone is correct - you MUST see a doctor. You must sort through these thoughts and sift out the mental garbage...the problem here is that OCD muddles your thoughts, confuses your beliefs and forces you to live in constant fear. There most certainly is a PHYSICAL aspect to this illness that causes MENTAL suffering. Support groups, medication and therapy are all so helpful to me. I would not have my life back without them.

So go to your doctor, tell him or her what's going on. Don't be embarrassed - they've heard it before. There are so many treatment options out there that are available to you. There is no need to suffer any longer.

If you need to talk ever, you can message me. I really feel like you are going through so many of the same things that I went through...especially at your age. Trust me, your thoughts and concerns are not too "evil" to deal with. You are NOT your thoughts. My prayers are with you!

 

[marcb]

Dear child of God,

I am so sorry for all you have suffered. I have nothing further to say other than I am glad you are here. This is a great community of believers who struggle with exactly the same things you do and have felt exactly the same way, myself included.

The advice you received from Gracealone and Stacii is perfect. Please step out in faith and get help from your doctor.

Praying for you,

Marc

 

[Liftyourhand7]

Hi Softee, I just want to come and give you a big hug! I to suffer from this awful disorder you can go to my posting area and see all that I am going through, Gracealone and Stacii are so right you need to go and see a Doctor for this, I know its hard to open up and tell the Doctor what you are experencing but you just must do it. You are so right when you say OCD is not you, IT IS NOT who you really are The Lord wants you to know, that He knows that is not who you really are. This is a miserable DISORDER, that wants to rob us of our peace and joy, if you can get a hold of this Book "Obsessive Complusive Trap" by Dr. Mark Crawford" who is by the way a Christian Psycologist I know it will help you. Don't give up Softee God is sending help your way, He loves you so much and There is nothing impossible for HIm Luke1:37. I am glad you found this forum, there are many here who suffer in the same way you do, We are saved by God's grace and His grace alone. It has nothing to do by what good or bad things we have done said or "thought". Listen closely to Gracealone, she is very knowledgable and helpful in the area of OCD. Remember God loves you and you are his, don't let satan or OCD tell you any different because both of these things "LIE". Try to read the Psalms even if you feel like you can't, Remember God's word does not return void. You will be allright. Please see your Doctor He really can help. Blessings

 

[Softee]

Hi everyone,

Thnx for your words of encouragement. Its great to see that people care, you al truly touched me

I have trained myself to be happy, so most of the time i am ok ocd does not always get the best of me but its just random days - i guess when im at my most vunerable i will just be thinking why i have to live with this and the thoughts i will be partally believing them, and i will be so irratable. I actually thought that since learning it was ocd the pain would go away, but i was so wrong, its funi coz we still blame ourselves! I actually stil think this ocd is an excuse and i am just a bad person, but i try to fight those off coz it cnt be true.

Thnx agen,

p.s. i will set an appointment with my doctor, and hopefully i will be able to get help frm there.

 

[Liftyourhand7]

Hi Softee, I am very proud of you and all of us will be praying for you, you will get through this God keeps his promises! Love in Jesus name Jan

 

[SkyCloud]

Hi.

People have given you good advice. Let me tell you also, just like everyone else did, that it is chemical. I myself kept rebuking the devil and the rest of evil over and over and over. One bad thought would come to my head, and then I would start rebuking the devil and the rest of evil. This would happen over and over and over day after day...........

Also, I too became afraid of different things like reading the Bible at night because I might get OCD about something I read in it. I was afraid to make long prayers at night. The list goes on and on.

Let me tell you, you're fear about singing a song about souls, along with the rest of your fears are just illusions. When the chemicals in your brain are balanced, believe me, you can sing a song about souls, and it won't bother you. You'll feel happy and normal.

One of the ugliest things about OCD is that it tricks your mind into thinking the wrong way: Fear, Constantly Figuring Things Out, Rationalizing Problems, etc.

The goal is to not listen to those illusions. To be normal. To think the way carefree people do, etc.

Any bad thoughts, including about God, can come into anyone's head. We live in a world that's sinful and imperfect.

So trust in God, obey Him, serve Him, and live your life making efforts to not entertain bad thoughts. Ignore them. Eventually they will go away.

Psalm 46 is one of my favorite Psalms.

God Bless You !!

Danny

 

[gracealone]

HI Softee,
What can I possibly add to all the wonderful advice given here by these caring and compassionate fellow OCD'ers!! I'm so happy to hear you are taking the courageous step of going to a Dr. and seeking help. We all understand how easy it is to "re-visit" the OCD thoughts like Stacii said. I'm still learning to ignore my OCD thoughts and often I can begin to question.. "is this an OCD thought or is it really ME doubting". But Marc has wisely pointed out to me, (thank you Marc,), that when you find yourself obsessing about anything and having the accompanying anxiety you can be sure that Yep, it's the OCD looking for something to latch on to.
I will be praying for you. Keep us posted, if you can about how you are doing. Be sure to ask about or learn about exposure/response therapy it's the therapy key to winning the war.
Blessings,
Mitzi

 

[jewellj]

Hey,I'm new here and I have terrible thoughts about God,Jesus,the Holy Spirit.I still sometimes think if it is me is God gonna forgive me? I don't feel the panic and anxiety anymore,i'm on so many meds.and they say now I have bipolar too and I don't understand how it affects my ocd and it makes me plain miserable I feel like I've lost the real me,where has she gone I ask myself sometimes. The very thought I don't want to think I think.I've been told it's the devil more times than it's an illness so I rebuke,pray,speak the Word,Read the Bible everyday as I was told by a pastor even tho sometimes I feel like i"m the bad one they are talking about in the Bible,I don't understand why pastors don't believe in OCD and I just wish God would say "Jewell don't worry,I know U have an illness and I understand"Even sometimes I feel like i sabotage myself with bad thoughts when I feel maybe okay cause I guess I've felt bad so long that I won't allow myself to feel good,forgot the feeling. It's been really bad since mid winter when I went into psch. ward........I've been in a psch ward probally about 7 or 8 times in a ten year period. I doubt myself and everything.......I'm a miserable person right now..And to beat all when I've had the thoughts sometimes about 3 times a bad thought came out of my mouth. Is God gonna forgive that??????????? Has anybody had that problem and when I have bad thoughts I feel numb sometimes,then I worry "do I care" but I must or I wouldn't come here or go to pdoc or ocd therapist.Please pray for me,I need it desperatly.

 

[gracealone]

HI Jewell,
Sorry you are going through such a rough time. Just when you begin to gain ground with OCD it can throw a wrench in your brain suggesting to you that "it must be that you really don't care because you haven't had the thoughts for a brief period of time". Everything you mentioned has been a common experience for a lot of us.
I don't know what kind of therapy you've been exposed to in the past but I do know that some types of therapy like traditional cognitive behavior can be more harmful than helpful. This type of therapy is aimed at refuting the OCD thought with logical counterstatements and also with positive affirmations and reassurances. But this isn't what the OCD person should do with the thoughts because fighting them or arguing with them or continually seeking reassurance about them only gets them all the more stuck in our brains. In doing so we are giving the thoughts too much importance, making them seem too valid.
Have you been taught by any of your therapist's about exposure/response therapy? It is the right type of therapy for OCD.
As far as Pastors not believing that OCD is a real illness. This is a very widespread problem. But you must remember that Pastors are not Doctors and they have absolutely no business trying to diagnose and treat mental disorders. Even though their motives may be correct their lack of knowledge about these disorders can cause great harm if they try to address them as a spiritual problem rather than a biologically and most often inherited disorder. So when you are in a really bad state with OCD a suggestion from a Pastor who you have the utmost respect for, that your OCD is caused by unconfessed sin, or Demonic activity, or lack of Faith can be absolutely devastating.
I have had the opportunity to share my testimony about living with Panic Disorder and OCD within the Christian Community recently. I think there is a huge need to educate Pastors and Christians about these disorders so that an attitude of compassion and support would prevail over ignorance and judgementalism.
I would suggest to you though, that while you are going through a rough patch with OCD that you be very careful about sharing the details of the illness and your thoughts with Pastors unless they are willing to believe that your OCD is a real illness and not a spiritual problem.
I'll be praying for you Jewell. I'm sooo sorry to hear how you are suffering right now.
Mitzi
"But HE said to me, My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in your weakness." Even the weakness of OCD.

 

[Softee]

Do you have to tell therapists your exact thoughts, because even sometimes in my brain i can't come to terms with the thoughts i get, i blame myself because theres no1 else to blame for it! THhey

 

[Softee]

Do you have to tell therapists your exact thoughts, because even sometimes in my brain i can't come to terms with the thoughts i get, i blame myself because theres no1 else to blame for it! They a

 

[Softee]

Do you have to tell therapists/councellors your exact thoughts, because even sometimes in my brain i can't come to terms with the thoughts i get, i blame myself because theres no1 else to blame for it! They are that terrible, embarrasing and very degrading.

 

[Softee]

oops lol

 

[gracealone]

You might be able to just desribe the nature or theme of the thoughts and then the effect that they have on you. I know that the thoughts you have seem shocking and unspeakable but you are not alone in having them.
OCD makes a person feel as if they are some sort of freak as if no one else in the world could possibly have such thoughts and struggles. But that's not true.
Christians with OCD share some amazingly similar thoughts. So don't think that any of us would be appalled at your thoughts and neither would a therapist.
Still praying for you.
Keep us posted as to how you are doing.
Mitzi

 

[Softee]

Thanks @ gracealone

I'm fine thanks. I guess im just learning to ignore OCD and remember it is not me, it gets extremely hard when i'm already depressed about something else though. I have two main battles with OCD..it takes courage to say this 1 but sometimes i feel that i have to cover my chest so my soul does not get taken away, its weird because i know it can't happen because it belongs to Christ but i still feel the need to cover my chest and if i don't im uncomfortable, i also feel my heart gets heavier and i feel pressure on my chest, thats why i sometimes think OCD can sometimes affects people physically.

 

[Jayangel81]

Thanks @ gracealone

I'm fine thanks. I guess im just learning to ignore OCD and remember it is not me, it gets extremely hard when i'm already depressed about something else though. I have two main battles with OCD..it takes courage to say this 1 but sometimes i feel that i have to cover my chest so my soul does not get taken away, its weird because i know it can't happen because it belongs to Christ but i still feel the need to cover my chest and if i don't im uncomfortable, i also feel my heart gets heavier and i feel pressure on my chest, thats why i sometimes think OCD can sometimes affects people physically.

I definitly think it can effect us physically, when my ocd Kicks in and i have terrible thoguhts/images my whole top of my face titghtens up and my eyes seem to roll in the back of my head, pretty scary. I hope youredoing ok with everything, i promise everything will get better in time. My prayers are with you!

in Christ,
James

 

[onewithnature]

I´ve dealt with OCD and severe stress for as long as I can remember, so I think I can give good advise to some people here.

So you say that you have thoughts entering your mind, that you supposedly can´t control. The first step is to completely clear your mind. Go outside to the park, or a forest, and observe nature without judging. Just accept it as it is, and don´t force thoughts out of your mind. Don´t think "this tree is beatiful", simply see the tree, and you will notice that the tree is indeed beutiful. you will soon feel inner peace. Simply let thoughts flow, and witness your surroundings. some thoughts will come that you find annoying, but let them be, and let them be quiet, and soon, your mind will begin to clear, and there will be no thoughts in your head. This is when you feel great inner peace, and some kind of rebirth. Your energy will rebalance itself this way, because right now, it´s out of balance (that´s why you have OCD, it´s a chemical imbalance that can be undone)
This way, you will learn to chose the thoughts that enter your mind.



Don´t think of OCD as a disorder, think of it as something that´s blocking you from achieving a certain purpose. Don´t say "I have OCD, and it´s so horrible and I can´t deal with it anymore", because then you will convince yourself that you can´t be healed.