I need prayer. Struggling with homosexuality.

[tundrawolf]

Hi,


I am a man, 34 years old. Since I was a child I have not had "normal" feelings for women. That is to say, I have not been very attracted to them as a whole. There were ruthless gangs of females who tortured me when I was very young in school and I think that didn't help anything, either.

Well, I have a very strong desire for love, and sex. Obviously it had to go somewhere.

So I experimented with bestiality when I was young. But I could never get the emotional bond from an animal that I needed so desperately. It left me feeling empty.

When I was around 18 years of age, I had my first encounter with a man. I was selling him drugs, and he arranged a meeting between me and his older friend.

To be it lightly, it was awful. My mom saw me chatting about it from behind my back and told me, "Don't do something you'll regret." Well I regret it.

While the physical experience was pretty bad, it opened up doors- spiritual doors in me that have not been shut, since.

My mind seemed to focus on the almost non existent "pleasure" I got from it, and thrived on it. It was my first sexual encounter with another person.

To this day I find myself fantasizing about it. After that I had a series (Around 5) of one-night-stands with men I would find on the internet. They were all fairly empty.

That was.... Probably sixteen years ago.

The last time I was "with" anyone.

I have never gone past kissing a woman, on the lips. I had a series of girlfriends, but I never connected with any of them. I did it because I hoped getting to know a girl would make me "right".

Yet I have this passion in me that wants to gush out, to be poured on someone I deeply love. To care for them and love them.

For the last few years, I would post pictures of my body on a well- known online site that has a section for anonymous sex. It seemed I would become so pent up, that I would teeter on the edge of having another homosexual experience with another man.

I relished the attention I got, the lustful words, and pictures of their bodies. It made me feel wanted. It makes me feel like a human being, like I have some worth.

But I know deep down that it is a sin. My body was not designed for what I desire, and neither was theirs.

And my soul was not designed for sexual intimacy with a man...

It creates an emptiness that gnaws at you. I know it, because I can see what it does to people I know who engage in that behavior. They are dying inside and they don't even know it.

I tripped up and posted pictures of myself, again. I got a response from a man, and we have made plans to meet. However, it is a half hour past when I said I would be at his house. All day was a supernatural struggle for me. It seems as if all my desires, emotional, physical and spiritual can be met in this experience- but I know it's not true. I know it deep down.

I am teetering on the brink of doing something I know I will regret, but am so compelled to do I was shaking, trying to resist the lust inside of me.

Pardon me if this seems crass but your words cannot help me. Only your prayers can, so please... pray for me. I need to get closer to Jesus I need to know who He is. On a spiritual level.

 

[dabro]

Jesus our Lord.....You saw me thru my lust for women and the eight years I have known you, you have changed my heart completely. Father we come to you on behalf of our brother that You set him free from lust. Whatever the nature Father he knows it's a hole that cannot be consumed. Father I ask that you continue to work and convict.....Assist him in changing the way he thinks. Father God we can do all things thru Christ who stregthens us....Please Abba Father deliver him out of the bondage that he is in we pray in Christ's precious name amen.

 

[Chaplain David]

I've prayed for you.

 

[Nickybobby]

Tundrawolf....my prayers for you have been said.

On a side note, the sig line on the poster above me seems appropriate here so I'll repost it

Philipians 4:8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

 

[cracketyjones]

This is my first post but plan to share my struggles in another post. I am a happily married family man in a successful marriage. But for 20+ years, I've struggled with wanting homosexual sex. I'm not attracted to men and don't consider myself gay. I just have been turned on by the perversion of it. So much so that I would consider myself, what they call, a pig bottom. The risks have kept me safe and I've never crossed over the line in my years of marriage. But the temptation is constant and I have guys I could easily meet on a whim. This is a daily battle and while I am winning it, it is NOT easy.