I'm new to the forum, but I don't have much of a social life or friends, so I don't really have anywhere to turn. The problem that I have is my daughter Ashlynne. She hasn't done anything wrong persay, in fact I doubt she even knows I exist. Ashlynne was conceived during a failed relationship 20 years ago. I wasn't following the lord of doing what I should have been at the time obviously. Never the less, there it is.
Three days after my daughter was born the mother dropped me like a bad habit and took off. It's taken me a long time but I finally managed to track Ashlynne down using the internet. I won't lie, my head is in a spin here and I have no idea what to do. I'll also admit that I'm scared. I haven't seen her in 20 years and I have no idea what she's like, what her mother has told her about me, anything.
Most of all I'm afraid she'll reject me and not want me in her life. Losing her the first time nearly crushed me, I'm not sure I can handle a second time.
I've been in a similar situation. Well, from the other side, I suppose.
I keep trying to formulate a response to this, and I keep deleting it. I'll try to be succinct.
As the mother of a 19 year old boy whose father abandoned him and never bothered to be involved in his life...you cannot make this situation about you. Your daughter was an innocent victim of adults behaving badly. She does not owe you anything. Not a relationship, not even a conversation. You have to mentally and emotionally prepare yourself for rejection, because it is entirely possible, and if it happens, it is not your daughter's fault, and perhaps not even her mother's fault. As you say, you were not following God, the relationship failed, and her mother may have done what she thought was best for her child. A father showing up out of the blue after 20 years is going to be a tremendous shock for her, and she will need to be given the space, time, and respect, to handle it however she needs to. There is no point right now in casting blame anywhere, you have to deal with what is. And what is, is a young woman who's never known her father and has no warning that he's about to show up in her life.
I think it's fine if you reach out to her in a gentle, respectful, simple manner. You don't say how you found her, if that means you have her address, phone number, email address, FB account. Assuming you can contact her online, I would limit it to a very basic, brief "Hello, my name is _ and I'm your biological father. I would like to get to know you, if you're comfortable speaking with me. You can reach me through (insert phone number, email, etc)." And leave it at that. Don't pour out your heart, don't pour out your life story, don't be emotional at all. The last thing you want to do is make her feel pressured into responding; that's more likely to make her uncomfortable. Whatever problems you and your ex had, it's not your daughter's problem and should not be made so. If she chooses to communicate with you, and things go well, then you can slowly explore those more vulnerable and emotional territories with her. But she doesn't know you - you're a complete stranger to her - and she is not obligated to trust you in any fashion. You MUST be patient.
I wish you all the best, and I hope that things go well!
