You speak about God, friend, but what I would be interested in knowing is whether you have received the Lord Jesus into your heart and life as your Savior, are devoted to Him as Lord of your life, and trusting Him daily. If that has not happened, you will not have a real and sure relationship with God. From what you said, I don't see that you are saved as a "child of God" as the Bible teaches (John 3:16). Be sure, friend, that you are saved and not just trying to obey and follow God's ways.
Read John 1; John 3; John 14 as starters, to see what God means to you. Then I recommend you read all of the four Gospels and the Epistle to the Romans in your Bible. Pray to God about it all, then you might see the truth and enter into the "Kingdom of God", and be greatly blessed and have God's care to overcome fleshly ways. This is speaking of a personal relationship with the Lord. I will pray for you.