I need help.....

[HopeFaithLove4u]

figuring this out, please.

I don't know whether I should forget about this guy or not?

Story: For fun, I put a profile on a dating site.....didn't subscribe, just wanted to see who would contact me. Well, this guy, who is 41 & divorced did, who I thought was cute, so I paid for a membership just to answer him.
We had a hard time meeting up, because of scheduling conflicts (on both our ends), so it took a few months to actually meet. (BTW, we, both, took our profiles down from the dating site, so I thought that was funny & interesting)
We met up for breakfast and had a good time, he gave me a couple compliments, that I'm better looking in person, so I'm thinking everything went good. I sent him an email that same day that I liked talking/spending time with him....just to let him know that I'm interested. He sent an email back, the next day....that it was nice to finally meet me.
A week goes by and I just send him a generic "Have a Happy Holiday's" email. On Christmas he sent me a "Merry Christmas" text.....so I was happy thinking that he was thinking of me on Christmas. And I sent him one, right back too.
His situation.....he was married for 17 years and his divorce isn't final, he just waiting on the final papers to be signed. So, he was married at 23 and now at 41, this is first time he's been single. Also, he just moved over the holiday's to my state from a neighboring state. So, this is the first time in the last year that he hasn't been staying with friends or staying in hotels for business.

So, I don't know? Does it seem like he's interested or, by his actions or he's still in transition mode, so I should forget about him?
I'm not looking to get into a relationship, right now, because I just recently ended one.....so I don't feel I need to talk to a guy everyday or really want to. But, I just am not sure if he is interested.

 

[dluvs2trvl]

hmmm....well, I don't think you should just forget about this guy. The holidays can be a busy time for everyone...but I don't think you should set your heart on having anything more than a casual relationship with him. I just wouldn't count on him being into just you. From my experience, men who are coming out of a long term marriage, find themselves like kids in a candy store and want to date around and see multiple women. That may not be the case with this man but if I were you, I'd guard my heart with very high walls. If he calls and you think you can get together and just keep it as friends in your mind then I say great but if you think at all that you'd get emotionally attached to him then I wouldn't do it.

 

[Anles]

I have no advice for you (as I stink at the dating game and every decision I make is almost always the wrong decision).
But you have my hugs and prayers that you will make wise decisions.

 

[ido]

I think you've very clearly outlined a case against dating him. He is very much still in transition. I have a hard and fast rule that I will not date someone who has been in and out of relationships their whole life without having spent some time being single and figuring themselves out first. I don't want to be someone's rebound, nor do I want to date someone who hasn't taken time to heal after a divorce.

If you enjoy each other's company, then I think it would be fine to set a boundary with him that you wouldn't mind spending time with him - when you can jive your schedules - but that you are not looking for more than friendly companionship. I think anything more than that could lead to nothing but trouble.

 

[HopeFaithLove4u]

Thanks for the replies. See? I'm smart enough NOT to get involved with someone in their 'transition stage'......BUT then I think I can 'just be friends', then a crush developes......and all my reasoning and smarts fly right out the window!

 

[dluvs2trvl]

Thanks for the replies. See? I'm smart enough NOT to get involved with someone in their 'transition stage'......BUT then I think I can 'just be friends', then a crush developes......and all my reasoning and smarts fly right out the window!

I know EXACTLY what you're talking about - why do you think I said "from my experience"

 

[FlatpickingJD]

I can't really add much to what d and flnativegrl said. Like flnative, I too don't date someone who's either in the process of divorce (they're still married till the state says otherwise), or is recently divorced - - rebound relationships are tough and we all do need time to figure things out.

Holidays and recently moving are pretty stressful, time consuming periods so that could explain the sporadic communication.

Should you forget about him? It sounds like you're leaning that way; I think I might write off a gal if I were in the same situation as yours. Whatever you end up deciding (and sorry I'm not more help) do be careful.

 

[jcj3803]

I think you've very clearly outlined a case against dating him. He is very much still in transition. I have a hard and fast rule that I will not date someone who has been in and out of relationships their whole life without having spent some time being single and figuring themselves out first. I don't want to be someone's rebound, nor do I want to date someone who hasn't taken time to heal after a divorce.

If you enjoy each other's company, then I think it would be fine to set a boundary with him that you wouldn't mind spending time with him - when you can jive your schedules - but that you are not looking for more than friendly companionship. I think anything more than that could lead to nothing but trouble.

Absolutely. It takes at least a couple years post-divorce for people to get their act together again. Plus he was with one woman for 17 years and he's just going to pick up like nothing happened with somebody new once the ink is dry on the divorce papers? Get real.

If you want to be a rebound relationship for him, I guess that's your choice but I wouldn't go near a freshly divorced person as anything but a casual friend.

If this sounds harsh, so be it, but you are setting yourself up for a major fall.

 

[ido]

Absolutely. It takes at least a couple years post-divorce for people to get their act together again.

QFT

My divorce was final in August 2006 and it took me about a year to really, truly complete the healing process. My resolve for 2008 is to stop functioning in survival mode and begin truly rebuilding my life. I pretty much stayed out of the dating scene until recently - simply b/c I knew that I wasn't ready to date someone seriously. Now, I'm ready - so I'm starting to put myself out there more to meet people.

Anyone that starts dating sooner than a year after their divorce - or is still grieving the marriage - would make me nervous and I wouldn't want to date them.

 

[HopeFaithLove4u]

Absolutely. It takes at least a couple years post-divorce for people to get their act together again. Plus he was with one woman for 17 years and he's just going to pick up like nothing happened with somebody new once the ink is dry on the divorce papers? Get real.

If you want to be a rebound relationship for him, I guess that's your choice but I wouldn't go near a freshly divorced person as anything but a casual friend.

If this sounds harsh, so be it, but you are setting yourself up for a major fall.

QFT

My divorce was final in August 2006 and it took me about a year to really, truly complete the healing process. My resolve for 2008 is to stop functioning in survival mode and begin truly rebuilding my life. I pretty much stayed out of the dating scene until recently - simply b/c I knew that I wasn't ready to date someone seriously. Now, I'm ready - so I'm starting to put myself out there more to meet people.

Anyone that starts dating sooner than a year after their divorce - or is still grieving the marriage - would make me nervous and I wouldn't want to date them.

And how dumb am I?! I already know all of this, because I simply couldn't/didn't want to date after my divorce either. I had nothing to give, at that point and I new it wouldn't be fair to involve someone in my life.

In his profile (on the dating site) it said he was divorced...then when we met he was very honest with me & told me it wasn't quite final, he was just waiting to sign the final papers. So, in my mind I was thinking "bummer, he's still married".

But, even though, I have a crush now, I haven't called him, at all....I've just responded to his text/email.

I just need to stay in reality, that we will just be friends over the next year.....I don't want to be a rebound! I'm too pretty and smart for that!

 

[covenantwmn]

I wouldn't make a blanket statement, but just in divorce after that long being married, he's not who he'll be after he heals. I would continue to see him if you both want that, but I would give him space to go thru all the changes he needs to. I was left after 17 years and it took a very, very long time to recover. Just take it slow. Blessings.

 

[HopeFaithLove4u]

I wouldn't make a blanket statement, but just in divorce after that long being married, he's not who he'll be after he heals. I would continue to see him if you both want that, but I would give him space to go thru all the changes he needs to. I was left after 17 years and it took a very, very long time to recover. Just take it slow. Blessings.

Thanks

 

[ido]

I just need to stay in reality, that we will just be friends over the next year.....I don't want to be a rebound! I'm too pretty and smart for that!

to the too pretty and smart!

Be verrrrrrrrrrrry careful with the "we'll just be friends" approach. I did that once in my early 20s and it caused me a lot of frustration and heartache. I became the "friend" and never got to be promoted to the "girlfriend", so I felt like I wasted a good year of my life giving this dude a lot of emotional energy. There is nothing worse than investing emotional energy only to get nothing but friendship back in return.

I know you're older/wiser than I was then, but we're still just girls when it comes right down to it - and it really doesn't take much for us to get emotionally attached. Shoot, I cry when I have to throw out a favorite pair of shoes.

 

[dluvs2trvl]

to the too pretty and smart!

Be verrrrrrrrrrrry careful with the "we'll just be friends" approach. I did that once in my early 20s and it caused me a lot of frustration and heartache. I became the "friend" and never got to be promoted to the "girlfriend", so I felt like I wasted a good year of my life giving this dude a lot of emotional energy. There is nothing worse than investing emotional energy only to get nothing but friendship back in return.

I know you're older/wiser than I was then, but we're still just girls when it comes right down to it - and it really doesn't take much for us to get emotionally attached. Shoot, I cry when I have to throw out a favorite pair of shoes.

amen to that! It's really frustrating when they tell you - oh you're everything I could ever imagine and hope for - and they come to you for all their emotional support and to talk about their problems - and then they go off and have date someone else...why they can't just see what is right in front of them is beyond me! But it's their loss! Cause we're too pretty and too smart to put up with that!

 

[eatenbylocusts]

That's unfortunate he stated he was divorced when he wasn't really. I'd be a bit angry that someone "tricked" me into going out with a married man.

In other situations I would have to say that you look at how long they've been healing from the relationship because sometimes the whole divorce process can take quite a while. I was long healed by the time I actually got my papers in the mail. But, I guess I'm probably a little odd in that I was separated for about 6 years before I decided that I had tried everything humanly possible to make it work and then made the time to learn how to finish up the paperwork while I was on a school break.

 

[jcj3803]

That's unfortunate he stated he was divorced when he wasn't really. I'd be a bit angry that someone "tricked" me into going out with a married man.

Not nearly as bad, but I was matched up on eHarmony with a woman who was 2 WEEKS out of a 2 YEAR relationship. Talk about a walking trainwreck...

 

[ido]

I think that I read somewhere that most people need half the time they were in a relationship to truly recover. So, if you were in a 2 year relationship, it would take a year to really heal and recover.

I do, however, think that is just a norm - everyone evolves at a different rate. Some take less time, some take longer. I think that the circumstances that we find ourselves in after the relationship, if we were the one that left/got left, and numerous other factors affect our healing time. Of course, where we were at emotionally when the relationship ended is a biggie, too.

You kind of have to wonder about people that relationship-hop. Are they capable of being independent and living their own life - or do they rely on someone else in order to define themselves? I think that is one of the most important questions of all.

 

[jcj3803]

I think that I read somewhere that most people need half the time they were in a relationship to truly recover. So, if you were in a 2 year relationship, it would take a year to really heal and recover.

I do, however, think that is just a norm - everyone evolves at a different rate. Some take less time, some take longer. I think that the circumstances that we find ourselves in after the relationship, if we were the one that left/got left, and numerous other factors affect our healing time. Of course, where we were at emotionally when the relationship ended is a biggie, too.

You kind of have to wonder about people that relationship-hop. Are they capable of being independent and living their own life - or do they rely on someone else in order to define themselves? I think that is one of the most important questions of all.

Yup.

 

[Jenster]

I think that I read somewhere that most people need half the time they were in a relationship to truly recover. So, if you were in a 2 year relationship, it would take a year to really heal and recover.

I do, however, think that is just a norm - everyone evolves at a different rate. Some take less time, some take longer. I think that the circumstances that we find ourselves in after the relationship, if we were the one that left/got left, and numerous other factors affect our healing time. Of course, where we were at emotionally when the relationship ended is a biggie, too.

You kind of have to wonder about people that relationship-hop. Are they capable of being independent and living their own life - or do they rely on someone else in order to define themselves? I think that is one of the most important questions of all.

I heard a rule of thumb that it would take a month for every year that you'd dated someone (that rule was about dating, not marriage). That seemed *impossibly* long to me after one particular breakup, as every day seemed too long already.

I agree, everyone adapts at a different rate. I couldn't believe one friend who pretty much bounced back after a few *weeks* (or so she said!).

I don't know about relationship hoppers. I know a guy like that who finally got married. He just thought "normal" was having someone, even though he had two very long and very bad relationships. It does make you wonder about whether fear plays a factor in people rushing to get back into a relationship...

 

[FlatpickingJD]

amen to that! It's really frustrating when they tell you - oh you're everything I could ever imagine and hope for - and they come to you for all their emotional support and to talk about their problems - and then they go off and have date someone else...why they can't just see what is right in front of them is beyond me! But it's their loss! Cause we're too pretty and too smart to put up with that!

It happens to guys too, more often than we'd like to admit . . .

I heard a rule of thumb that it would take a month for every year that you'd dated someone (that rule was about dating, not marriage). That seemed *impossibly* long to me after one particular breakup, as every day seemed too long already.

I agree, everyone adapts at a different rate. I couldn't believe one friend who pretty much bounced back after a few *weeks* (or so she said!).

I don't know about relationship hoppers. I know a guy like that who finally got married. He just thought "normal" was having someone, even though he had two very long and very bad relationships. It does make you wonder about whether fear plays a factor in people rushing to get back into a relationship...

My step-brother is like that: he's so afraid to be by himself, that he goes from bad relationship to bad relationship. EVERYONE has tried telling him to stay by himself for a while, but he just won't *listen*. Now, he's in the throws of a divorce (and that's a problem for him of itself), and is dating someone else. Talk about walking trainwrecks!