I need help.....

[Jenster]

My step-brother is like that: he's so afraid to be by himself, that he goes from bad relationship to bad relationship. EVERYONE has tried telling him to stay by himself for a while, but he just won't *listen*. Now, he's in the throws of a divorce (and that's a problem for him of itself), and is dating someone else. Talk about walking trainwrecks!

Yeah, it's like a relationship addiction. Makes you want to jump on the tracks, wave your arms and shout, "STOP!!!!!!!!!!"

 

[jcj3803]

Be verrrrrrrrrrrry careful with the "we'll just be friends" approach. I did that once in my early 20s and it caused me a lot of frustration and heartache. I became the "friend" and never got to be promoted to the "girlfriend", so I felt like I wasted a good year of my life giving this dude a lot of emotional energy. There is nothing worse than investing emotional energy only to get nothing but friendship back in return.

Whoa, whoa, whoa there! Did he EVER indicate you would be more than friends? Were you misled by what he said? Did he out and out lie to you about a future relationship?

I hear women from time to time say things like "men always lie to me" but when the guy is upfront and tells the truth, they refuse to believe it or they create a fantasy world.

Sorry, I'm not really directing this at you, V ; this is just a pet peeve of mine with some women I know.

And I should start another thread on that..

 

[ido]

Whoa, whoa, whoa there! Did he EVER indicate you would be more than friends? Were you misled by what he said? Did he out and out lie to you about a future relationship?

I hear women from time to time say things like "men always lie to me" but when the guy is upfront and tells the truth, they refuse to believe it or they create a fantasy world.

Sorry, I'm not really directing this at you, V ; this is just a pet peeve of mine with some women I know.

And I should start another thread on that..

Welllllllll...when a guy tells you that all the girls he's broken up with the last 2 girls he's dated b/c they didn't compare to you, a girl (at least me, when I was 20-something) tends to believe that he's interested. Apparently, he wanted all of the qualities I had, just not in the packaging I had to offer it in. He's now married to a rail-thin blonde.

 

[jcj3803]

Welllllllll...when a guy tells you that all the girls he's broken up with the last 2 girls he's dated b/c they didn't compare to you, a girl (at least me, when I was 20-something) tends to believe that he's interested. Apparently, he wanted all of the qualities I had, just not in the packaging I had to offer it in. He's now married to a rail-thin blonde.

Ok. I'd be misled even at my age (51) by something like that.

Would it have helped if he added something like. "We'll always be friends"? or something else to indicate friendship was the limit?

 

[HopeFaithLove4u]

I don't know about relationship hoppers. I know a guy like that who finally got married. He just thought "normal" was having someone, even though he had two very long and very bad relationships. It does make you wonder about whether fear plays a factor in people rushing to get back into a relationship...

My step-brother is like that: he's so afraid to be by himself, that he goes from bad relationship to bad relationship. EVERYONE has tried telling him to stay by himself for a while, but he just won't *listen*. Now, he's in the throws of a divorce (and that's a problem for him of itself), and is dating someone else. Talk about walking trainwrecks!

Thanks for all the replies, guys! I just 'highlighted' these two, because my ex-husband is very much like this. When he & I got married, he was 9 months out of his 1st divorce and when our marriage didn't work out (because of his infidelity), we were separated, the divorce was 'filed', BUT we were in counseling and still being intimate, when he met his 'now wife', and they started dating, back then.

So, talk about a 'lost person' and needing to just be with someone. When I found out about his 'latest conquest', I told him we were done, no more counseling. Then he continued to see her and they MOVED IN TOGETHER 3 months after I told him I was done trying (our divorce wasn't even final yet). The divorce was final 2 months after that and they got married 4 months later! Aiy, yai, yai!! Needless to say, I moved my daughter away from all that mess, so she wouldn't be subjected to her dad's 'craziness' with relationships.

I, on the other hand, read somewhere that 'the rule of thumb' with divorce is don't date a person that is out of a divorce until a year from the date the divorce was FINAL. So, I've pretty much kept to that rule, that's why it was dissapointing when I found out this guy's divorce wasn't final yet. But, I've been good & haven't contacted him and if/when he does call, I'll make it clear that 'we can't date until he's healed a bit'.
I'm in no hurry, and if he can be patient then great, but I know he's not in a hurry either, he's just getting his life back together, hence the move out here. So time will tell.

 

[HopeFaithLove4u]

That's unfortunate he stated he was divorced when he wasn't really. I'd be a bit angry that someone "tricked" me into going out with a married man.

Yeah, this was the 2nd guy (on a dating site) that put he was "divorced" when he was only separated, that contacted me and I responded too. Because any guy with a "separated" on their profiles, I wouldn't even have responded too.

 

[ido]

Ok. I'd be misled even at my age (51) by something like that.

Would it have helped if he added something like. "We'll always be friends"? or something else to indicate friendship was the limit?

Ummm...that would have been better than what he did say after that. He stole the Tom Cruise line, "You complete me."

I am proud to say that he and I got past the hard feelings and put it all behind us at a friend's wedding. We don't talk anymore, but at least I know if I see him at a gathering at the friend's house it's not going to be awkward.

 

[ido]

Thanks for all the replies, guys! I just 'highlighted' these two, because my ex-husband is very much like this. When he & I got married, he was 9 months out of his 1st divorce and when our marriage didn't work out (because of his infidelity), we were separated, the divorce was 'filed', BUT we were in counseling and still being intimate, when he met his 'now wife', and they started dating, back then.

So, talk about a 'lost person' and needing to just be with someone. When I found out about his 'latest conquest', I told him we were done, no more counseling. Then he continued to see her and they MOVED IN TOGETHER 3 months after I told him I was done trying (our divorce wasn't even final yet). The divorce was final 2 months after that and they got married 4 months later! Aiy, yai, yai!! Needless to say, I moved my daughter away from all that mess, so she wouldn't be subjected to her dad's 'craziness' with relationships.

I, on the other hand, read somewhere that 'the rule of thumb' with divorce is don't date a person that is out of a divorce until a year from the date the divorce was FINAL. So, I've pretty much kept to that rule, that's why it was dissapointing when I found out this guy's divorce wasn't final yet. But, I've been good & haven't contacted him and if/when he does call, I'll make it clear that 'we can't date until he's healed a bit'.
I'm in no hurry, and if he can be patient then great, but I know he's not in a hurry either, he's just getting his life back together, hence the move out here. So time will tell.

One big hooray for ex-husband relationship hopping! I must confess that I refer to my ex's current girlfriend as the future Mrs. "first name last name" #3.

 

[ido]

Yeah, this was the 2nd guy (on a dating site) that put he was "divorced" when he was only separated, that contacted me and I responded too. Because any guy with a "separated" on their profiles, I wouldn't even have responded too.

Unfortunately, I think a lot of men (and probably women, too) realize this, so they fib on their answer. I think it says a lot about their integrity, personally.

 

[HopeFaithLove4u]

Unfortunately, I think a lot of men (and probably women, too) realize this, so they fib on their answer. I think it says a lot about their integrity, personally.

Yeah, that probably SHOULD tell me about this person's character.

BTW, I told him, when we met up, that he wasn't divorced yet, until he signs the final papers. And he said, in his mind, he was divorced a year ago when they figured out the judgement on who gets what, also that he's been living out of their house for the past year.....so it seemed like he was TRYING to be honest about everything. But, I'm still not sure of what to think that he did put "divorced"? He has taken his profile down too, so I'm sure he figured he wasn't ready to date.....so I don't think he was trying to deceive anyone.

But, again, I'm like you, where I don't trust my choices in men......because sometimes I give too much benefit of doubt, when it's not deserved.

 

[FlatpickingJD]

Ummm...that would have been better than what he did say after that. He stole the Tom Cruise line, "You complete me."

I think that would have made anyone think there was something there, regardless of age or gender.

I am proud to say that he and I got past the hard feelings and put it all behind us at a friend's wedding. We don't talk anymore, but at least I know if I see him at a gathering at the friend's house it's not going to be awkward.

 

[HopeFaithLove4u]

figuring this out, please.

I don't know whether I should forget about this guy or not?

Story: For fun, I put a profile on a dating site.....didn't subscribe, just wanted to see who would contact me. Well, this guy, who is 41 & divorced did, who I thought was cute, so I paid for a membership just to answer him.
We had a hard time meeting up, because of scheduling conflicts (on both our ends), so it took a few months to actually meet. (BTW, we, both, took our profiles down from the dating site, so I thought that was funny & interesting)
We met up for breakfast and had a good time, he gave me a couple compliments, that I'm better looking in person, so I'm thinking everything went good. I sent him an email that same day that I liked talking/spending time with him....just to let him know that I'm interested. He sent an email back, the next day....that it was nice to finally meet me.
A week goes by and I just send him a generic "Have a Happy Holiday's" email. On Christmas he sent me a "Merry Christmas" text.....so I was happy thinking that he was thinking of me on Christmas. And I sent him one, right back too.
His situation.....he was married for 17 years and his divorce isn't final, he just waiting on the final papers to be signed. So, he was married at 23 and now at 41, this is first time he's been single. Also, he just moved over the holiday's to my state from a neighboring state. So, this is the first time in the last year that he hasn't been staying with friends or staying in hotels for business.

So, I don't know? Does it seem like he's interested or, by his actions or he's still in transition mode, so I should forget about him?
I'm not looking to get into a relationship, right now, because I just recently ended one.....so I don't feel I need to talk to a guy everyday or really want to. But, I just am not sure if he is interested.

Well, I haven't gotten any call/email or text since Christmas.

Darn it!! And I liked him!! We had a great time talking....I guess, he's figuring, it's not the right time for dating.

 

[jcj3803]

Well, I haven't gotten any call/email or text since Christmas.

Darn it!! And I liked him!! We had a great time talking....I guess, he's figuring, it's not the right time for dating.

I'll wager that you are indeed off his radar now, for whatever reason(s). He might pop back up but disappearing at so early a stage in your "relationship", I doubt it.

C'est la vie...

 

[ido]

Well, I haven't gotten any call/email or text since Christmas.

Darn it!! And I liked him!! We had a great time talking....I guess, he's figuring, it's not the right time for dating.

Take it for the blessing in disguise that it is. And, if he pops back up, be wary. I've had that happen with two different guys now and all it did was confuse me that much more when they disappeared again.

(Which, btw is totally THEIR loss, b/c who wouldn't want to date ME?? )

 

[HopeFaithLove4u]

I'll wager that you are indeed off his radar now, for whatever reason(s). He might pop back up but disappearing at so early a stage in your "relationship", I doubt it.

C'est la vie...

Oh well, good thing I have a crush on another guy!

But, I just don't feel like going out on another first date, in the near future. I hate dating!

 

[HopeFaithLove4u]

Take it for the blessing in disguise that it is. And, if he pops back up, be wary. I've had that happen with two different guys now and all it did was confuse me that much more when they disappeared again.

I know he's prolly just confused now.....but I do have a feeling he'll send me an email in a few weeks. Because it did seem he was really interested.

(Which, btw is totally THEIR loss, b/c who wouldn't want to date ME?? )

EXACTLY!!!!!