Thank's so much for your kind advice....
Brandon lives pretty far away from me so I couldn't bring him to my church...he does have his own church that he regulary attends and he says his Youth Pastor is amazing....yet he's unwilling to confide in him...I told him that if he cut himself one more time that I would tell his Pastor weather he wanted me to or not bc I'm afraid if I wait to long he won't be here anymore..he's away at a fine Arts thing right now but before he left the last thing he said to me was "I wanna die" thats all I ever hear anymore, he won't even tell me why all's he says is "Idk" He started cutting after we broke up... He said I broke his heart and all this other stuff...so I kinda feel like it's my fault for all of this...I wasn't harsh about the breakup, I just told him that I thought we were better off friends cuz I didn't really have feelings for him but I think of him more as a brother...but knowing I didn't love him in the way he wanted me too is really the thing that sent him over the edge.
And as for my own battle with depression... For awhile I had came to grips that things might be bad now, but someday their not always going to be this way...and thats what used to get me through those days when old feelings came back to haunt me...but lately some things my mom have said, along with the whole Brandon thing, has really taken its tole on me...right now I just feel like I want an escape from it all...not Suicide, (although I've had those thoughts before) but I've thought about running away from home a lot...deep down I know its wrong and its probaly not what God would want for me...and it would most likely end in some kind of random tragedy...I've tried telling my mom my feelings..but all I ever hear is "You should be over this by now" Or she'll find some way to use it agiast me she always does...like the day I came home from camp I shared with her one f my most preciouse dreams...and at that time she comforted me and told me that she believed in me and all this other crap..then the vary next day she told me the oppiset and didn't care if I was upset or not...
She think's my reasons for depression are stupid and meaningless...and she's basicly told me that....and it hurts because she used to be the only one I felt close to..now she's become someone I can barly even speak to....I have wild insane dreams, and I trusted her to understand and sopport me but I should have known it would lead to getting burnt...it always does with her.
To be honest, there are some days I wish I wouldn't wake up....I feel like I'm left to drown alone..I know Jesus is there but sometimes it doesn't feel that way...
ahh.. She does not understand and you are suffering for it. She might be stuck in her own problems, but who knows.
You have to do what is best for you. Seek help and treatment, either from highschool counsellor or any resource you can find. Definately seek help with any youth ministry or paster.
Pray and really spend your time reading the Word of God. Let Jesus' teachings be your own, so you can take your foundation and place it on solid rock.
luke 6:46-49
Building on a Solid Foundation
46 “So why do you keep calling me ‘Lord, Lord!’ when you don’t do what I say? 47 I will show you what it’s like when someone comes to me, listens to my teaching, and then follows it. 48 It is like a person building a house who digs deep and lays the foundation on solid rock. When the floodwaters rise and break against that house, it stands firm because it is well built. 49 But anyone who hears and doesn’t obey is like a person who builds a house without a foundation. When the floods sweep down against that house, it will collapse into a heap of ruins.”
Also I encourage you to study the proverbs. The wisdom found in it's pages will help guide you and keep your path straight.
Lastly, you have lot emotions and thoughts that need healing. I recently have found out how therapeutic the arts can be. Write down a list of anything, even the most foolish thing artistical you like to try. Writing, singing, poem making, picture taking, drawing, guitar playing, or anything you have an itch to try.
This will help you too.
"Creativity is medicine."- Julia Cameron
If you conceptualize launching a project, you will begin to understand the issue of overthinking. Think of your project as "the arrow of desire." Imagine yourself eyeing the bull's-eye, pulling back the bow--and then thinking about it. Worrying about it. Considering whether you are aiming exactly right or whether you should be smidgen higher or lower. your arm begins to get tired. Then your aim begins to get shaky. If you manage to finally shoot the arrow, it does not sail with confidence and strength. You have that in your vacillation about exactly how you should shoot. In short, you have mistaken the beginning something with ending something. ...
...You have denied the process of making art because you are so focused on the product: Will this be a bull's-eye? We forget that intention is what creates direction. If we aim with the eye of our heart--"That I desire to do"-- then we aim truly and well.
Also start your own "Morning Pages" in which you take pen to paper. Just pour out your thoughts that flow in your mind, yes there will be good and bad thoughts. Place it all in your Morning pages.
This will give you a picture of your conciousness. Also allow you to see thoughts little more clearly as well make room for more thoughts.
Try to take walks if possible, where just you and nature. Let the works of our Great Father fill you while you get away from ways of our culture. Which links to scripture.
Phillippians 4:6-8
" 6 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. "
