Oh I so no your struggle. I am hear to be an image of hope for you. I suffered with anorexia for 10 years. I have been completely healed from it for over 5 years now. And i can tell you for sure I am healed! I did a fast not too long ago and just about died! I thought, no prob, I was anorexic, this should be easy. Well, God proved to me that I was delivered. I thought to myself no way could I be anorexic again.
I suffered really bad with it. I was at 90 pounds. I am almost finished writting a book that should be out by this fall called Buried Alive. It is about over coming fear. here is a little section of it:
I had this secret life. This other half of me that no one knew about. On the outside I was the perfect, All-American girl next store that everyone wanted to be. Yet on the inside, I was lonely, beyond scared, and screaming for wholeness. When I looked in the mirror, I saw this hideous, fat creature looking back at what I so called “me”. What I did not understand, was the girl I was looking at was the one I was creating. The real me was hiding behind this big bully. I created her to take control of my problems. To fight my battles, because the Christa I knew I did not think was strong enough. In the solitude of my lonely heart, when I was alone and faced with having to feel for that brief moment the loss of me, I would break down and cry.
My second year of school seemed a lot easier then the first. I was getting control of my emotions more, or you could say I was able to become the girl behind the mask easier. Controlling my emotions through food had become second nature. Anorexia was taking over me, and I Chritsa was becoming it. I have been recovered form anorexia for over 5 years now. I find it so difficult to open up this scar in particular for you. The reason being that this is the mother of all scars. It is the one that hides my deep feelings. Anorexia was my mask. Wanting to be thin is never the issue. It is so hard for those of you who do not suffer from this type of fear to understand the battle you hear in your head, and what you have to face daily. Each day is a struggle to overcome life, and gain control some how. Tori Amos has a song that says, “Why do we crucify ourselves, everyday. Because nothing I do is good enough for you.” This is me, and so many others of us out there. You wake up thinking can I make it through this day? Not because life is so difficult, some may beg to differ. It is that I, Christa DeJarnett, make life to be more than it is. I put this huge expectation on myself to live way above this bar that I have placed so out of reach. When Tori Amos sings nothing I do is good enough for you, she is so true. Nothing I do is good enough for ME! I would grab my cross and crucify myself; not because I was not good enough in God’s eyes, but I was listening to the lies Satan was feeding me. Yes, Jesus says that we are to pick up our cross daily and follow him. What he is saying is that, we are to help him carry the cross that he has already purchased our victory with.
Hi to you:
