I need help

[brettnolan]

By the way, I am better now, out of the emotional bondage and away from the sinful desires. I typed some of those things because I was careless, and i really don't like my inconsistancy and am ashamed of the way I act sometimes....I realized something, that who am I to question God. If God thought a different circumstance for me was best for me- he would've allowed it. But there are blessings where I'm at- I need to trust him. So I am strengthened once again. And my hubby continues to be sweet and seems unphased- I don't get it. If it were me, I couldn't handle it. So there are defenetly blessings to such a personality, and some of you have helped me realize the strengths again of my hubby.

You need to get back here...

My emphasis added...

Also, may I compassionately suggest some psychiatric help for you. You seem to have severe mood swings that I think a doctor may be able to help you control.

And again, just curious, when did the 2nd baby come into the picture?

 

[charligirl]

.

I've been thinking that I'd probably be happier single- because than I don't have to make the effort to get along with someone who brings me into anger and depression almost daily.

I have to ask why a man, who by your own addmission, is a kind and good man who doesn't hurt you, would drive you to daily anger and depression? I don't want to be blunt but having read many of your posts it does sound like you need to pray for God to change you. You admit that you cause most of the problems in the marriage.....

I'm not a person that is easily happy in any relationship. It'd literally take Romeo, who cared about my every whim- while maintaining strength- to be the one for me LOL.

.... and reading this last quote really says that you know this yourself.

Whether God warned you not to marry your husband or not, you did. A man who, from what you have said, sounds like he loves you and is a decent christian husband. But it sounds like you are expecting him to fulfill areas in you that you have NO right expecting him to fill, areas where God and God alone should be your source. Your husband is not Romeo, or God, it is unfiar to demand things from him that he is not equipped to give.

Many people have mentioned counselling - from bits you have said, perhaps you would benefit from a personal christian counsellor yourself (rather than marriage counsel) before you get to the end of your tether with your marriage.

. Because sometimes it really doesn't make sense, regardless of what the bible says- sometimes that alone is not enough to keep me going- not because I don't care about God's will. But because serving God becomes mechanical in this area than seriously grace lead, faith filled, and heart felt- and I refuse to worship anyother way. I didn't come to God that way- and I won't continue to serve God that way, unless he gives me the grace to do so, but it'll have to be him, because right now all my rationallizing is not giving me peace.

Rationalising does not bring peace - as you rightly said, this comes from God BUT, there is a place where you obey and follow God out of sheer gritted teeth obedience, just because. Mechanical sometimes is neccessary, if that's where we are at. Just obeying in that way DOES carry God's grace, whether you feel it or not!

All in all it sounds like you have been damaged in the past and haven't dealt with much of your pain and issues, which is what is leaking out in your marriage. Until you see that in order for your husband to change you have to change first, until you give permission to God to do 'whatever it takes' and allow him into the wounds in order to heal them, until you are able to face your own pain... you will stay where you are. Even divorce cannot help because you will just take it all with you into the next relationship.

Ask God to show you yourself, ask Him to come inside and heal you 'whatever the cost' . Find a councellor who can help you understand your issues, and keep praying.

.

 

[IslandBreeze]

Whether God warned you not to marry your husband or not, you did.

Amen! And unless he's unfaithful, you PROMISED you'd stay with him until you die. There have been far too many people on this board encouraging divorces that are NOT in line with Biblical advice. Scripturally and morally, you are bound to your husband until a death or (heaven forbid) adultery.

Many people have mentioned counselling - from bits you have said, perhaps you would benefit from a personal christian counsellor yourself (rather than marriage counsel) before you get to the end of your tether with your marriage.

I'm not a big fan of therapists, but I do think this is sound advice.

I know what it's like to be unhappy. Everyone goes through ups and downs in their marriage and nobody has a perfect marriage. Ever. It takes a lot of patience and a lot of love, and although you say your marriage is 'loveless' I doubt any man would stay with a woman he didn't love. A lot of people don't express love the same way. Try to figure out the ways your husband DOES express love to you. Focusing on the positive can change things.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Do you know something. After coming back here and reading the replies- I guess I'm a little angry. This is why- I feel like no one is really "listening" to what I'm saying. You know, I already know what you all are saying, I've been practicing it for 5 years. Also, it's also a little frustrating that you all assume that since you know what it's like to be in a loveless relationship- you know "exactly" what my situation is- yet, I doubt very seriously any of you have been in as severe as a situation. Yet, I have told you many times the situation- and it seems that no one really "hears" it. Rather, you do as I do a lot of times and preach to me from your own experiance. I will thank you for this reason, and this reason alone- I have learned some of my own mistakes by seeing some of yours- and I plan to correct that. It's very eye opening and for that I am grateful. I also want to thank those who have earnestly prayed for me, because your prayers have helped. But, I have decided that it is more troublesome to come here than it's worth- not to say no one has ever said anything helpful to me or has cared and been helpful to me. But, I'm not coming here anymore. Instead, I guess I'll put more energy into reaching out- without judgement, to truly hurting people. Have a great life- and if you feel the need- keep me in your prayers and I'll thank you in heaven. Thanks.

 

[pegatha]

That isn't fair. We've all tried hard to be helpful, and we've put a lot of time and thought into our replies. We would never have made the effort if we didn't care about you.

 

[charligirl]

Do you know something. After coming back here and reading the replies- I guess I'm a little angry. This is why- I feel like no one is really "listening" to what I'm saying. You know, I already know what you all are saying, I've been practicing it for 5 years.

I'm sorry you feel that way, I don't think anyone is posting advice lightly. Of course you already know what we are saying, it's in line with the word of God, which is why you have been living it for the past 5 years.

It also seems that you are not 'listening' much to us either, you freely admit it's your problem and your husband is not doing anything wrong but have made no comment about the counselling suggestion. Yes you are loving him on purpose, agape 1 Cor 13 sort of love, but are you making steps to understand why you are as you are in relationships, why even Romeo would not be enough for you?? Perhaps you have and I missed that bit, if so I am sorry.

I am 'a little angry' too, at the whole tone of your last post, you've learnt from our mistakes? you will concentrate on helping hurting people without judging? People have tried hard to highlight truth and scripture to you, they have put thought and prayer into their replies, I haven't seen any judgement in these replies, just honest advice - I'm sorry if you don't like that.

It sounds like you are looking for soothing agreement that you have endured long enough and it's now ok to opt out, what were you expecting to hear on a christian forum?

I truely hope you do sort your marriage out and come into the fulness that God has for you, whatever your decision.

 

[brettnolan]

My next post would probably have done it anyway, because like charligirl and, I think wheels4christ as well, I get a little angry reading this again.

And as I explained in the last thread, we are posting out of our love for her, not our desire for her to be unhappy.

"Understanding" someone is not the same as agreeing. Being "supportive" is not the same as agreeing.

There are a couple of different things that I think are going on in this situation. (By the way, I know I'm wasting my time because she has decided to leave us, but also because I think she was ignoring my posts anyway)

1. She wants a majority to say go ahead and get out

OR

2. She has deeper psyche problems that need to be treated. If you look at the way she got married in the 1st place, then the way she gets really down about her situation and then it feels better for a while, it seems as if she has some treatable psychiatric issues but doesn't want to get help for them.

It gets really frustrating when someone continually asks for your opinion and then tells you to go to heck when you give it. My ex-wife was really good at that.

 

[Swtsnshyn]

Do you know something. After coming back here and reading the replies- I guess I'm a little angry. This is why- I feel like no one is really "listening" to what I'm saying. You know, I already know what you all are saying, I've been practicing it for 5 years. Also, it's also a little frustrating that you all assume that since you know what it's like to be in a loveless relationship- you know "exactly" what my situation is- yet, I doubt very seriously any of you have been in as severe as a situation. Yet, I have told you many times the situation- and it seems that no one really "hears" it. Rather, you do as I do a lot of times and preach to me from your own experiance. I will thank you for this reason, and this reason alone- I have learned some of my own mistakes by seeing some of yours- and I plan to correct that. It's very eye opening and for that I am grateful. I also want to thank those who have earnestly prayed for me, because your prayers have helped. But, I have decided that it is more troublesome to come here than it's worth- not to say no one has ever said anything helpful to me or has cared and been helpful to me. But, I'm not coming here anymore. Instead, I guess I'll put more energy into reaching out- without judgement, to truly hurting people. Have a great life- and if you feel the need- keep me in your prayers and I'll thank you in heaven. Thanks.

hisbloodformysins,

I do not wish for this post to offend you, and if it does, I am truly sorry. However, I am not sorry for the words that I am about to post, only that you are/were offended (that is if you become offended).

You have been and are being very unfair towards others. Many people here have genuinely tried to help you, whether through wisdom gained from their own experiences, the Word of God, or a combination thereof. It is true that no two situations are exactly alike, but just as you say that others do not know the severity of the situation, you do not know what the severity of others' situations are/were. You seem to think that your situation is unique, and that no one else can understand or know what you are going through. Some have even poured their hearts out to you.

Another thing that I have noticed from all of the posts (not only in this thread but also in past threads) is that it seems that if someone does not post what you want to hear (see), you either disregard it or assume that you are being condemned or attacked. This is not necessarily so. Very few (if any) have done this. Truly it seems that others are sincere in their intentions of wanting to help and encourage you.

Again, my intention is not to condemn, offend, or anything of that nature. In fact, if you truly knew me, you would realize how hard it is for me to say these things.



God Bless!!
Dawn
Shining brightly for Jesus

 

[pegatha]

I'd like to elaborate a little bit on my last post, about this not being fair. I'm not trying to be harsh, but I am not going to mince words.

You said in another thread that you married a man you didn't love because you were afraid you wouldn't find another husband. If he's passive and withdrawn now, maybe it's the only way he knows of coping with the shame and embarassment of knowing that his wife never loved him, and was just using him. Now that I've seen you turn on the people here who tried to help you, I understand his feelings a little better. And what about your tiny son--surely he feels the turmoil in the house and is acting out. Divorce can only make it worse. How can you say that we're condemning you when we're trying so hard to talk you out of doing something that will only hurt you and the people who love you most?

As long as you persist in using people in such a destructive way, I can't see any chance of your ever being happy, with or without him.

 

[Naveh Vine]

My post really doesn’t have much to do with this thread, but at least His blood for my sins was able to get lots of people to listen to her posts and give her honest heart felt responses, whether she agreed or not.

Something that I’ve encountered on this forum is that people don’t respond to me at all. I’ve made several posts trying to jump into conversations or receive comfort from my Christian brothers and sisters and I feel ignored. The only time I had responses to a post I made was when I gave someone advice that didn’t happen to fit their particular situation. Unfortunately I’m left feeling like I said something wrong or I give off these bad vibes that make people want to avoid me. I guess I’ll never know.

I realize this is a ridiculous post that will also be ignored. I also plan to not return to this forum. I realize if I belonged here, the response to me would have been more welcoming.

 

[Whitestone]

Naveh Vine I am very sorry you feel this way, I have not seen your post before but if there is something you would like to talk about, get off your chest, or even someone to just fellowship with please PM me.

Whitestone

 

[wheels4Christ]

My next post would probably have done it anyway, because like charligirl and, I think wheels4christ as well, I get a little angry reading this again.

Do you think? lol I actually didn't post any words for fear I may say the wrong thing to her. I just reference 3 other similar post she made and quoted her "reapings" with Bible scripture. Let God's word shine truth.

But for the record, not angry, just concern and semi-fustrated. I do pray she allows God to soften her heart and resist the devil's hold. God Bless.

Attention Naveh Vine Hi - how are you? Please don't let a non responsive thread or post get to you. Sometimes in our haste to submit our next post we (ok mainly I) scroll past other post. For that, my sincere appologies. Feel free to PM or post a thread... ok? God bless you.


---edited: didnt know [bold] not same as (b) heh----

 

[brettnolan]

I looked at 2 or 3 of your posts and I think it just happens that you are coming in at the end (including this thread) when folks have bored of the discussion. Nothing on you...just the topic may be old or it may have been rehashed many times. Stick around a little longer and you'll get hooked into better threads.

On most boards, a good rule of them is to stick to threads still on the first page. There are only a few boards that are current beyond the first page.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

LOL, Well everyone, I haven't been here since I said I wasn't going to come back anymore, as for the private messages, I will now respond that I have read them, thank you for your care and concern. I realize after reading these responses just now that it's a waste of time to get you all to understand. Sometimes what someone wants is care, not agreement, not advice, not scripture (I know just about every scripture in the bible on marriage very well). And maybe a little credit. What most people/ women want from a relationship I guess, why there are so many differences and conflicts between the sexes, most people/women want to be understood. It's possible to understand someone without agreeing with them..... and you must hear how men love to jump in and "fix" the problem, further frustrating their wives, well, that's what happened here. I was seeking understanding, not agreement, not preaching, condemning, yes, any kind of name calling, accusing me of having psych problems, and so forth, use your imagination... can and does come across as condemning. There is a way, not everyone has that art down though, in being caring and sympathetic, yet gently helping in a non-offensive way. When you come across as being offensive, the words you say matter none! My hubby completely blocks me out, though there is so much truth in what I say to him, simply because of the tone of my voice, well, that's what happened here. I have taken offense to not being given credit, and all my bad points being pointed out..... because I deserve some credit.. Again, all I wanted was understanding... not agreement, not scripture.. though could be helpful if you first earn my trust by showing you understand and care. It's all about the gentleness of your approach.

I do realize how my original posts have possibly come across... basically as an adulterous, rebellious, that can care less and is giving up. For that I give you all credit in that you really did not know my heart. Anyways, no one is perfect.

My hubby and I are doing well, I give credit to God, and to anyone that has prayed for me. God has always been the one helping me, even before I posted this original post, coming here did not change anything. Sometimes one grows weary and vents. Again, I do thank those who have cared and who have prayed.

My relationship with my hubby is not what I'd consider happy yet, however, we have grown so far, I do not struggle daily with feelings of loneliness or fantasizing about divorce, as I used to. We are closer now than we were before, and have both become more aware of our own problems.

God Bless,
HB

 

[SkyeBlue8]

hisbloodformysins,
That's awesome that you've grown closer to your husband, praise God! He's rewarded you for all your hard work, and persistence. He's given credit where credit is due!

I just want to give a little bit of advice however (I'M NOT AT ALL TRYING TO OFFEND). When you originally came here, you made it sound like you wanted some advice, not that all you wanted to do was vent. Naturally people will then try to give advice, whether harsh or not (hey the truth hurts but it helps), and they will offer scripture (it is what we live by, it can't be helped, and shouldn't!). If all you really wanted to do was vent, I don't think coming to a christian message board was a good idea, cuz people will automatically offer advice. Hey, that's what the point of a message board is! If it wasn't, no one would reply to you and you'd be left feeling like no one cares...But we do care, and that's why we respond and try our hardest to say the right things. I'm known to give harsh advice, but it's because telling the honest truth is so important to me. It's because I have a huge thing against being lied to, or having things 'sugar-coated', I hate it!

So I guess it seems like a double-edged sword, you come to the message board to vent in order to feel better, yet you feel judged. So you avoid the mesage board and end up feeling like you need to do something.
I guess the best thing to do is avoid posting on a message board if you just wanna vent. If advice is only going to make you defensive and will only sour your mood then it's not a good idea. Venting in person is so much better. As a person who doesn't have many close friends I sure know what it's like to be left with no one to vent to, most of the time.

BUT the important thing is, prayers and hard work have paid off! I wouldn't say that coming here didn't do anything for you. Even if you think that it hasn't, well, I think God had a plan to bring you here. Nuff said about that!

Well God bless you and your freshly started over marriage! God bless your son and God bless that little bun in the oven. Your children will benefit in countless ways from their mother's true and honorable persistence. *HUGS*!

 

[GirlieGirl]

Glad you're doing better!

 

[loved]

BTW, it is not a marriage in God's eyes because both of you broke the vows you took to love each other unconditionally, good times and bad etc. Once those vows are broken, the marriage is null and void.

I totally disagree with that, God's word says

1 Corinthians 7

Keep Your Marriage Vows
10 Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. 11But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife.

Matthew 5


Marriage Is Sacred and Binding
(1) 31 "Furthermore it has been said, "Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.' 32But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality[1] causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery.


Jesus Forbids Oaths
33 "Again you have heard that it was said to those of old, "You shall not swear falsely, but shall perform your oaths to the Lord.'


Matthew 19
8He said to them, "Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality,[1] and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery."
10His disciples said to Him, "If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry."


1 Corinthians 7


Keep Your Marriage Vows
10 Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. 11But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife.
12But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her.