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I have read the 2 books I listed and a couple of others. Not that one however.
Hey Caleb - here are my thoughts.
I don't have any experience with the types of emotions you're talking about - but we all have our crosses to bear. Unfortunately - yours is one that socially within the church is pretty much considered to be the worst of the worst. Don't get me wrong - I don't think that it actually is. I'm just talking about how the church treats it. Ask most evangelicals whether they'd rather have a murderer or a gay in the family - I think most would probably have a hard time answering it.
That being said - and getting back to "crosses to bear" - here's a little story I can tell about me which might help explain where I'm going with this.
When I was a kid - one of the defining moments of my life was when our pastor brought us kids into a room one day to explain the "hierarchy of sin". How some sins are worse than others, ya know? The one that stuck out to me was when he said "Sexual sin, including masturbation, is second only to murder in the eyes of God!"
Well, I was about 11 years old at the time, beginning puberty, etc...with all new thoughts and ideas coming into my head. Considering all of that - I'm sure you can imagine when I say that the next few years of my life were an utter living hell.
I'd make promises to God that I'd never do *THAT* again...I'd have a few good days...then it would get to be too much and I'd "fail". I'd think that I had nearly committed murder, then I'd make all sorts of more panicked promises and apologies...which then would go on for another week or two...then I'd fail again. Heck, it got so bad sometimes that I'd see some stupid grocery store commercial with the silhouette of a girl walking around in a sundress...and that would be too much. Off I'd go - failing again - and the new round of promises and feeling like I was "dirty" would begin again.
That went on for 4-5 years...which when you're young is a LONG LONG time. And it consumed me.
Finally - I remember one week my folks took us kids to Washington DC during Summer break to go see all the sights. I was on a pretty good run at that point - maybe 2-3 weeks since my last "failure". One night on that trip I was asleep - had some really bizarre dream about a girl in a refrigerator - and boom. I'm sure you can imagine what I mean by "boom"
So here I am, I wake up, I'm a mess, my brother is sleeping two feet away from me snoring and breathing his bad breath at me, and I'm just utterly disgusted with the whole situation. I mean, if this is the end result of the hardest three weeks of my life...what the heck?
That really made me sit back and re-evaluate everything.
At that point - I came to the conclusion that there are three important things. There's what God wants, there's what people tell you that God wants and there's you. Stop listening to what people tell you about what God wants, because honestly they have no idea what they're talking about.
Your cross to bear is your cross to bear, and your own issue with your faith and your own issue with your understanding of God. Unfortunately, though, yours is going to be a more social issue than mine was. Nobody had to know what I was doing. Lock the door, and I'm cool. Yours, however, could have long term impacts upon your relationships, people you know, etc.
You're going to have to balance that out, look at what you yourself believe, sort it all out, etc.
But - don't ever judge truth by what the pastor tells you or what any other yokel tells you. Figure it out for yourself.
Hey Caleb - here are my thoughts.
I don't have any experience with the types of emotions you're talking about - but we all have our crosses to bear. Unfortunately - yours is one that socially within the church is pretty much considered to be the worst of the worst. Don't get me wrong - I don't think that it actually is. I'm just talking about how the church treats it. Ask most evangelicals whether they'd rather have a murderer or a gay in the family - I think most would probably have a hard time answering it.
That being said - and getting back to "crosses to bear" - here's a little story I can tell about me which might help explain where I'm going with this.
When I was a kid - one of the defining moments of my life was when our pastor brought us kids into a room one day to explain the "hierarchy of sin". How some sins are worse than others, ya know? The one that stuck out to me was when he said "Sexual sin, including masturbation, is second only to murder in the eyes of God!"
Well, I was about 11 years old at the time, beginning puberty, etc...with all new thoughts and ideas coming into my head. Considering all of that - I'm sure you can imagine when I say that the next few years of my life were an utter living hell.
I'd make promises to God that I'd never do *THAT* again...I'd have a few good days...then it would get to be too much and I'd "fail". I'd think that I had nearly committed murder, then I'd make all sorts of more panicked promises and apologies...which then would go on for another week or two...then I'd fail again. Heck, it got so bad sometimes that I'd see some stupid grocery store commercial with the silhouette of a girl walking around in a sundress...and that would be too much. Off I'd go - failing again - and the new round of promises and feeling like I was "dirty" would begin again.
That went on for 4-5 years...which when you're young is a LONG LONG time. And it consumed me.
Finally - I remember one week my folks took us kids to Washington DC during Summer break to go see all the sights. I was on a pretty good run at that point - maybe 2-3 weeks since my last "failure". One night on that trip I was asleep - had some really bizarre dream about a girl in a refrigerator - and boom. I'm sure you can imagine what I mean by "boom"
So here I am, I wake up, I'm a mess, my brother is sleeping two feet away from me snoring and breathing his bad breath at me, and I'm just utterly disgusted with the whole situation. I mean, if this is the end result of the hardest three weeks of my life...what the heck?
That really made me sit back and re-evaluate everything.
At that point - I came to the conclusion that there are three important things. There's what God wants, there's what people tell you that God wants and there's you. Stop listening to what people tell you about what God wants, because honestly they have no idea what they're talking about.
Your cross to bear is your cross to bear, and your own issue with your faith and your own issue with your understanding of God. Unfortunately, though, yours is going to be a more social issue than mine was. Nobody had to know what I was doing. Lock the door, and I'm cool. Yours, however, could have long term impacts upon your relationships, people you know, etc.
You're going to have to balance that out, look at what you yourself believe, sort it all out, etc.
But - don't ever judge truth by what the pastor tells you or what any other yokel tells you. Figure it out for yourself.
