An old Grandfather said to his grandson, who came to him with anger at a friend who had done him an injustice, "Let me tell you a story.
I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do.
But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times." He continued, "It is as if there are two wolves inside me. One is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him, and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way.
But the other wolf, ah! He is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger,for his anger will change nothing.
Sometimes, it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit."
The boy looked intently into his Grandfather's eyes and asked, "Which one wins, Grandfather?"
The Grandfather smiled and quietly said, "The one I feed."
Any lust, fed, gets stronger. It does not matter whether it is cigarettes, alcohol, porn or Pokemon - any old sin will do, to enslave a wo/man.
To recover from this there are several ways to success.
One is to hit a ledge. This is commonly referred to as 'rock bottom', but note that there is no such thing. Rock bottom is a grave, there are ledges all the way down, from which you may begin climbing back up. And climb you can, and climb you must.
So you can climb back up and go to therapists and 12-step programs and on and on and on, always passing the responsibility for your own healing and salvation onto others, finding the next quick fix. Ever met a professional victim? Want to stop being one?
None of these things are bad in and of themselves, but none of these things will necessarily help you. Wo/men have destroyed lives and relationships - the madness does not stop on its own, there is always somewhat more [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ed up to get, just ask a heroin addict.
Another way is the way of submission to God Almighty, and I choose my words carefully, here. I mean God, and I mean He is All-mighty.
The same God that moves mountains and directed the Israelites to perform genocide is, in fact, concerned with what you do with your lady bits.
Upon the prodigal's return, his father, RAN TO HIM. God is not slow to keep His promise, but as Christ wondered aloud (and He did not speak idly) when the Son of Man returns, will He find faith on the earth?
I am saying to repent now, and avoid the Armageddon rush. God is a God of love and forgiveness and grace and mercy, but also a God of justice, and judgment, and swift, exact surgeries. Right to the point. Just keep that one on the back burner, the Law is still there as a bumper pad for when we run afoul of Grace.
It is not that sex is so bad that a tightly drawn circle surrounds that holy fire - it is that it is so good. Changes things, no? Good things, precious things, holy things - are not common, are not cheap.
To return to sounder doctrine from all this poetic pontification: God will draw close to you as you draw close to Him. And if you are addicted it will be absolute bloody murderous hell at times. It may be as much or more pain as the pleasures stolen...
but it will subside. I speak from experience, here.
It may take weeks or even months for your hormone levels, endorphins, serotonin &c &c to normalize. The body keeps nothing it does not use, and does not manufacture anything it does not need. With long-standing chemical addiction of any type, the synthesized normality (for example, natural biological production of dopamine and endorphins in heroin addicts can be severely restricted) will take time to re-balance. There is a lot going on, during [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse].
Unlike heroin addiction, sexual addiction is to the internal chemicals secreted during [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]...and there is nothing more perfectly addicting than the natural and real thing. All that drugs are is a synthesis of real, genuine pleasure, for example from a healthful meal, or a symphony, or a beloved within the bounds.
You say you need release. I say to you that only God knows what you need. Not because you have sinned
in this particular way, but because you have sinned, as all have, period.
You say you need accountability. This is a bogey in my opinion: judge yourself, whether your actions are in keeping with His perfect will. Tip: if you have to ask, they are very likely not. Community is everywhere you look, God is asking you to serve Him with Every. Single. Person. You. Meet.
Not just at church. Not just at Wednesday night Bible Study. Not only in 'fellowship', which is a fancy word for 'where I get my praise on and talk the talk', oftener than not. Here. Now. Jesus is risen, is alive, is speaking to you (I do not equate these words of mine with His!) and engineers your circumstances to give you your depth, to give you yourself, so that you can present yourself to him as a willing vessel of His love, grace, forgiveness, true power. Out of control you can offer Him nothing except what you have: a cry for help.
To pray means to ask: this speaks loudly about what we can 'do' for God. Precious little if you think on it, the worlds are His. All He asks is your willingness to wait upon Him, and He often speaks loudest in silence - this is important to recognize.
The man or woman who brings your food in a restaurant is a
waiter. This
servant, waits on you.
Activity, prayer, worship (whatever that actually means), Bible study, devotional reading, shovelling [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] - none of these are service to or waiting upon God - necessarily. The differential is that of a heart submitted to His will.
Yes you can be free. Yes it will cost you, hurt - it cost me...at the time.
Now, it seems to me similar to the dramas of my childhood: something I have outgrown, passed by, become other than.
A personal thought: feel your feelings, for therein likely lie the roots of what you seek to escape. Right down to the core, and when there is nobody there, when you are desolate and tired and aching and lustridden, call out to Him, and
tell Him about it.
He knows your thoughts, anyway. Away from Me, I never knew you, will be His response to some of those who drove out demons, preached, healed the sick. So get to know Him.
Finally, note that there really is absolutely no easy way out. Exercise, cold showers, Twinkies or stamp collecting can simply be replacement addictions. I am saying that you will need to suffer the pain.
I am also saying that stolen sweetness, turned bitter, will turn to sweetness again. But that bitter part cannot be omitted.
As the Psalmist said: Wait, I say, upon the Lord.
edit: this is my first and shall apparently be my last post on this message board, and I am glad it was to you. I wish you a beautiful life.
