I need help communicating with hubby

[ciaomamma]

I need help communicating with my husband, I can't seem to get any of my points across and he always thinks I'm trying to say or do something totally different from the truth!
I'm at a point that I am considering asking to go to counceling because I just cannot stand it... I do not like fighting and we rarely do but if I have a grievance I just wait for an opportune time to talk about it. Tonight I was accused of hold in on to grudges because I tried to talk to him about something that was said two days ago... I tried to tell him it just came up now and he just doesn't get it, he's going on about me being cranky which I wasnt! If anything the issue upset me emotionally and honestly I don't even know how but I was hoping to talk it out with him... Instead I'm on a forum trying to make sense of it all.
Basically the main issue I was trying to sort out was that a couple of days ago our schedule and car transport arrangements got screwed up, he said he could come with us (kids and myself) to an activity but didn't realise he had an early meeting at the office so we were trying to work the schedule and I suggested he come with us and we'd all go into the city, he'd go to the office and the kids and I would go to a museum then maybe grab a quick dinner and head home and he totally shut Id down saying id want him to have lunch with us or that Id want to go to the office or that Id ask for him to come do something or help me with the kids... I was completely taken aback.
It hurt my feelings because of I asked him to have lunch with us or what not it would not bother me at all if he said no he's busy I know he's working so I would not be upset.
I was bothered that he'd think I would even do that because I am so understanding of his work schedule and I proud myself to be as accomodating as possible on that.
Then of course I'm hurt he's basically saying we should keep our life's separate, the last time I went into the city was over a year ago and I popped into the office to grab his car keys hardly crashing the office party with the babies... so again I have no idea why he'd think I'd do that!
And the more I think about it the more I just don't get it!!!
not to mention that the whole time he's looking at the tv which is on pause and never once he turns around to talk to me!!!

 

[ValleyGal]

Do you and your husband like to read? If so, this book should help with things like that: "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver. If you do not like to read, send me a PM and I can see about finding a workshop in your area.

Although every couple is different, one of the principles is at work in this story (very similar to yours): husband has negative thought about wife, leading him to expect the worst from her. She has given him no reason to expect the worst, so she assumes it must be some baggage from previous relationship with another woman. She has read Seven Principles, and puts it to work by saying "do you really, honestly believe that I will do what you just accused me of?" He answered yes. She said "if you are going to start nurturing that kind of negative thinking, it will lead to resentment from me, but it will also lead to criticism from you. Those attitudes are major predictors of divorce, and I do not want that to happen to us. If you want this marriage to work, it is important that you start believing in me and expecting the best from me, not the worst." Then she left it at that, and since he values their marriage, he indeed started to expect the best in her. She lived up to those expectations and they have a solid marriage. Had he continued to have negative expectations of her, she eventually would have started living down to them, and it would have then become a self-fulfilling prophecy on his part.

I don't know if something like that would work for you and your husband, but the same principle is at work. Your husband needs to start nurturing more positive thinking about you, and you need to continue to live up to that thinking. Don't get sucked into living down to his negative thinking. Protect your marriage - both of you - so as not to allow such lack of faith in each other. Gottman's book or workshop could be very, very helpful, as long as you are both invested in the marriage.

 

[mkgal1]

I'm at a point that I am considering asking to go to counceling because I just cannot stand it... I do not like fighting and we rarely do but if I have a grievance I just wait for an opportune time to talk about it. Tonight I was accused of hold in on to grudges because I tried to talk to him about something that was said two days ago... I tried to tell him it just came up now and he just doesn't get it, he's going on about me being cranky which I wasnt! If anything the issue upset me emotionally and honestly I don't even know how but I was hoping to talk it out with him... Instead I'm on a forum trying to make sense of it all.

That's not "holding a grudge". Holding a grudge is not forgiving (and not giving the opportunity for resolution)--even after a person has shown remorse and everything had been done to resolve something. You two hadn't even discussed what was bothering you (and I think it's good to wait for an appropriate time like you did). To me....that seems like a deflection. Maybe something you can say is, "Instead of criticizing me.....why don't we focus on a resolution, because that's something productive and helpful for BOTH of us." If he gets defensive a lot.....maybe leave off the part about him criticizing you (but keep it in mind, because it does give you perspective).

I suggested he come with us and we'd all go into the city, he'd go to the office and the kids and I would go to a museum then maybe grab a quick dinner and head home and he totally shut Id down saying id want him to have lunch with us or that Id want to go to the office or that Id ask for him to come do something or help me with the kids... I was completely taken aback.
It hurt my feelings because of I asked him to have lunch with us or what not it would not bother me at all if he said no he's busy I know he's working so I would not be upset.
I was bothered that he'd think I would even do that because I am so understanding of his work schedule and I proud myself to be as accomodating as possible on that.
Then of course I'm hurt he's basically saying we should keep our life's separate, the last time I went into the city was over a year ago and I popped into the office to grab his car keys hardly crashing the office party with the babies... so again I have no idea why he'd think I'd do that!
And the more I think about it the more I just don't get it!!!
not to mention that the whole time he's looking at the tv which is on pause and never once he turns around to talk to me!!!

Am I understanding you correctly? Your plan (which sounds more like you were tossing out ideas for him to give input on) was to possibly all drive into the city together so that he could make his meeting and you could enjoy the time with the kids while there.....right? Was he setting up obstacles to that? Saying that wouldn't work because of....."you would want me to have lunch with you" and "you would want me to help with the kids" etc? So....because of his predictions into the future....your idea won't work? Why can't he just say that he's okay with the idea, but he won't be able to meet you for lunch or help with the kids? To me......it sounds like HE is the one that needs help communicating---not you. Did he offer up an alternative plan, BTW?

 

[DZoolander]

I have no idea what this post is even about - or what the problem is.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Maybe he has trouble mentally shifting between work and home, I do. The day at work might have been stressful enough without him having to mentally shift to family at lunch and back to work after lunch. Trying to explain that to you would be more effort on his part that you may or may not take at face value. Would you understand or would you get suspicious about why he didn't want to spend time with HIS family etc...

It takes me a good 1/2 to 1 hour between work and home for me to mentally shift gears from human doing to human being.

Just my thoughts. Ask him. If they don't apply to your situation then my apologies.

 

[mkgal1]

I mentioned this book in another thread (maybe it will help you):

How to Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding: With Your Spouse, Adult Child, Boss, Coworker, Best Friend, Parent, or Someone You're Dating - Kindle edition by Henry Cloud, John Townsend. Religion & Spirituality Kindle eBooks @

It's less than $10