lele buz

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so my boyfriend and I have been dating for a year, we are now 18 & 20. I know he is the man I am going to marry and we are very committed to each other. My parents are very strict catholics who are 1000% against sex before marriage. I completely understand and agree that it should be saved before marriage but they also will not let us get married before I graduate college. By the time they will allow us to get married, we will have been together for 4.5 years, that is a long time to abstain especially being in love with an amazing and super loving person. Would it be crazy to get secretly married in a church, just make a promise to God we will love each other forever? without anyone knowing. any other suggestions?
 
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HatedByAll

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Do your parents contribute to the cost of your education? If they do, I would wait. If they were to find out you went behind their backs, they are likely to tell you, if you think you are an adult, then live like an adult. On your own dime.

But if you are paying for all your expenses without their help you are an adult. Do as you wish, just do it respectfully toward them.
 
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Rescued One

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Do your parents contribute to the cost of your education? If they do, I would wait. If they were to find out you went behind their backs, they are likely to tell you, if you think you are an adult, then live like an adult. On your own dime.

But if you are paying for all your expenses without their help you are an adult. Do as you wish, just do it respectfully toward them.

If the parents want revenge, what does that say about their Christianity?
 
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HatedByAll

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If the parents want revenge, what does that say about their Christianity?
Making a kid be responsible for their own actions is not being revengeful. I am not a parent, but many times in the past I have helped others financially. When a friend says they will pay you right back but you see them spend money extravagantly when they owe you money, it makes it so that you will not loan them money next time they are in desperate straits. Same principle even though it is totally different.

My parents grew up in the depression (1920s-1930s.) They told all their children if you get married, you are on your own. Of course, they still helped my siblings, but to them, when you got married, it was no longer their responsibility to "raise their kids." If the OP gets married against their advise, the adult "Child" is the one responsible, not the parents.
 
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Esther2286

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Hi there,

I am so glad that you are putting off sex before marriage. In my experience, that intimacy is made more special when you have waited. In the meantime, have you considered attending a pre-marital workshop through your church? My husband and I found it to be beneficial. It might even be something that would help reassure your folks.
 
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Rescued One

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Making a kid be responsible for their own actions is not being revengeful. I am not a parent, but many times in the past I have helped others financially. When a friend says they will pay you right back but you see them spend money extravagantly when they owe you money, it makes it so that you will not loan them money next time they are in desperate straits. Same principle even though it is totally different.

My parents grew up in the depression (1920s-1930s.) They told all their children if you get married, you are on your own. Of course, they still helped my siblings, but to them, when you got married, it was no longer their responsibility to "raise their kids." If the OP gets married against their advise, the adult "Child" is the one responsible, not the parents.

The Bible doesn't tell parents to not help their children. Jesus taught me to help those in need. I think parents and children should follow the Bible if all of them are Christians. Some parents can't afford to pay for their daughters' elaborate weddings or to buy their children cars. But to decide that adult children can't be helped unless they kowtowed to our demands is revenge.
 
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bèlla

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I believe you need to pray about this and consult with a priest for an unbiased viewpoint. You’re of age and able to marry if you choose. I don’t agree with lies or secrets. It’s best to tell the truth.

In respect to your financial aid, you’ll receive more when married than you do at present. You’ll be viewed as an independent student. The income will be based on the two of you and not your parents.

You’d need to speak with financial aid, add a written amendment to your file with proof of marriage and any paperwork they request. You’d be eligible for housing for married students. They’re usually apartments.

~Bella
 
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dayhiker

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I'm thinking it would be good to talk with your parents to understand why they are so against you two getting married.
There are a number of reasons they could be and reasons that are valid. Thus good to know exactly what they are thinking.
 
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E.C.

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so my boyfriend and I have been dating for a year, we are now 18 & 20. I know he is the man I am going to marry and we are very committed to each other. My parents are very strict catholics who are 1000% against sex before marriage. I completely understand and agree that it should be saved before marriage but they also will not let us get married before I graduate college. By the time they will allow us to get married, we will have been together for 4.5 years, that is a long time to abstain especially being in love with an amazing and super loving person. Would it be crazy to get secretly married in a church, just make a promise to God we will love each other forever? without anyone knowing. any other suggestions?
Finish college first. If it is meant to be, your hormones will survive, your honeymoon will be that much better, and your relationship that much stronger and more matured. If you were to get married and then it turned out that it was not meant to be and you had no degree, than it will be harder to get a job to support yourself. It's hard enough to find a job even with a degree, so why make it harder on yourself? If it isn't meant to be and you finish college with a degree than you'll be that much more better off and mature as a person.

To answer your question, yes, it would be crazy to secretly get married. You're both 18 and 20. Biologically speaking, your brain finishes developing by the time you're 25. People also change A LOT between 18 and 25. Trust me, I'm 30, I've seen it. A lot.

And, as one poster said somewhere, talk to your parents. At 18 you're legally an adult, so it is time for adult conversations. Ask them why they are opposed to getting married now, but be mature enough to accept any criticism without getting upset about it.
 
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