I like a guy, and I already have a fiance

[mina]

Break up with the boyfriend. It does not sound like a healthy relationship at all. Break-ups are hard, and you might hurt his feelings, but in the long run it will probably be the best for both of you. Also, enlist some support- tell a friend or your family that you are breaking up with this guy and that he is a little obsessive. That way if any problems arise from him due to the break-up (stalking, emotional manipulations, etc....) you will have support and people to talk to so that you DON'T go back to him out of guilt. And I think that you just need to be single for a while, focus on your relationship with the Lord, and figure out what you want in a relationship or marriage and what a healthy relationship would look like to you.

 

[rob_aston]

What if I made a mistake?

you are a mighty woman and Jesus

 

[Kit Sigmon]

The first guy who asked me out senior year I originally said no to. We knew each other about two years prior and had art class together. He wasn't attractive or anything but was a social butterfly. He was a little overweight, desperately needed a haircut, and had a long nose. We were friends, but I didn't want to be with him. Until about a month or so afterwards when I said yes to going out with him.

This is actually a very complex and long story that I'll do my best to sum up.

This guy really, I mean, REALLY loves me. He's obsessive and clingy. Honestly, I think it's unhealthy for him. But he's not a Christian. That was my biggest turn off. I wanted to date one guy who I'd hopefully be with for the rest of my life. And dating an agnostic hurt my family's feelings and I ended up compromising lots of things I believed in. He said since he's met me he's become a Christian, but neither of us really act like it.

I made it to a Christian college finally. Scared him to death. He had us secretly engaged before I left to keep me from falling for anyone else.

True Blu:There be no "secret engagement", this is nothing but emotional blackmail tactic...it's something immature persons do.
Neither of you be ready for serious commitment...everything so far is based on making him happy and you "dating" him so you aren't without a "starter" boyfriend....why else would somebody get mixed up with a guy that you don't actually respect, value and sincerely honor?....read back over what you say about him.

A month into college, he was so traumatized and crushed he broke up with me, threw my ring into a river, and deleted all the pictures of me. It hurt me so much, and I cried and cried. I called him back and begged him not to leave me. And after a couple hours, he came to his senses and broke down crying too.

He doesn't trust me at all.
Because he knows deep down that you really don't love and respect him, that's why he got you looped into that so called "secret engagement"....let's be honest here, the guy is barely a friend. He is playing the emotional blackmail thing because it works on you....he preying on your sensitive nature and your natural instinct to "mother"... and you allow that to go on for whatever reason...this not a new thing, it's been going on way back when I was a young lady too....many of us girls had a "home guy" that we kept on the hook...this ain't right, I'm just sharing what me and many others did back when we were young and silly.

He's always wanting to know what I'm currently doing, who I'm with, any guys? Better be no guys. I'm an engineer, there's only three girls in my class, I can't help being around guys. Anyways-

The other guy.

First day on the job as a custodian. There was this ginger. It wasn't crush at first sight or anything like that. We were able to talk a lot while working, and he was very philosophical and deep, and I admired that. He told me about his hobby as a poet and about growing up in church. We bounced jokes off each other and goofed off a lot. He seemed nice.

One day, after work, we went to the football homecoming game. He offered me his jacket since I was freezing (even though I said no a dozen times, he insisted, and I caved). After the game, which we barely lost, we walked back. I thought he would go back to his dorm, but he followed me to mine. I showed him around the co-ed floor rather than going to my room. He got a kick out of that. Then he offered to show me this trail. We went on a walk and talked more.

At one point, a very deep subject came up about his life. It moved me to tell him my experience. It got very personal and he had his arm around me rubbing my shoulder and back comforting me. If I was single, this would have been the most wonderful and romantic thing in the world. But, I'm not. All I could think about was how my fiancé would kill me. And I was so sorry.


At the same time, this other guy was great. He made me think deeper about life, nature, God, encouraged my faith, I loved it. In fact, I became more diligent in reading the bible. We're even going to chapel now together.

But I can't... He's great. He's what I've always dreamed about in a good Christian guy. He loves Jesus and... Just that alone makes my heart melt! And my fiancé is just complacent... Sitting at home all day, no job, no plan, fixated on knowing what I'm doing. He's not mature. We weren't ready for a relationship. We were stupid, irrational teenagers.
True Blu: you doing what many teens/young people do....being young and make young mistakes. You get too serious too soon and wind up regretting it, that's what's going on now.

I've been praying like crazy about this. Any thoughts? I refuse to cheat on anyone.
That's out of the question.
True Blu: be honest, you already cheating, you cheating on your relationship with the Lord...that's how all this got started...then you cheated yourself by going along with a "secret engagement" to your "friend" that has no job, unsaved, obsessive etc... the relationship isn't based on the right things...you cheating with another guy at college.... living a lie and no lie is going to make you feel good nor will it bring happiness. All it bring is heartache... misery...regrets....doubts... confusion....fears


But... I can't break up with my fiancé.
Yes you can....you able to do that....just like you were able to go out with the guy at college, discuss deep things with him, allow him to put his arm around your shoulder.... and even attend chapel together....it's be important you be honest with yourself, since your actions already show you able to do the very thing(s) you say you can't do.

There's other things bothering me about that. He actually wants me to quit college and move in with his parents and him. Haha no. I love him, but... What if I made a mistake?
True Blu:You already know you ain't made godly choices, it time to repent and make things right. It's wrong to be in a relationship that's built on emotional blackmail by someone you call a friend, behaving like you ain't a believer, dabbling around with two guys and being honest with neither of them(or yourself) stop the charades. Young lady, you put yourself in a hot mess! Are you ready to get out of it? I hope so.

What if I dated him for the wrong reasons and rushed before God's time?
True Blu: You know the answers to that.

Even if it's not this other guy, I suppose I should've waited. Any thoughts?

True Blu: Every time we wander away from godly teaching, we land ourselves in troubles.
Your relationship with Jesus needs immediate attention, get right with Him and then correct the rest of your errors.
You got off track, now it time to get back to walking humbly with the Lord and doing life his way...ask the Lord to help you to live out the faith each day. Hardships and heartaches will come but the Lord will help see you through all that. I know because me and the Lord been on this long walk together for many decades.

Even if the college guy is nice and all that, please don't rush into a relationship or commitment, you and the college guy need to back off since you already got some "drama stuff" at home that needs your attention right away.
Take your time and get to know a person as a friend, fellow believer... do this slowly, prayerfully...it's OK to go slow.

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

i'm saying this out of love (whenever i hear someone say that to me, i know i likely won't like the next thing they say - at least not at first... ), it sounds like neither of you are ready for a life-long commitment. i find it hard to believe that you were somehow swept along into accepting a marriage proposal - there must have been some reason behind it - what would you have said about him the night he proposed and you accepted? i just don't think it would be the same things as in your first post. and when someone is clingy, they are focused on what you do for them that they like; true love is selfless, and doesn't 'cling' - it caresses

marriage is a decision - a commitment; it isn't about what your spouse can do for you, it's about you wanting to 'do for them' - and making a decision to do it for the rest of your lives - no matter how bad or good things get. once you do marry, you will still meet guys that you feel attracted to - but in order to be faithful to your spouse, you resist that temptation - because you made a commitment - if you aren't ready for that, you aren't ready for marriage - even if your fiance really is God's best choice for you 'in disguise'. seek God's leading and don't do anything drastic until you know you've heard from Him - He's the only One that can advise you effectively .

 

[Sketcher]

I cannot recommend staying together with the first guy. You haven't mentioned one positive quality of his yet. His wanting you to quit college and move into his parents' house with him shows that he does not want what is best for you, that he does not truly love you.

The second guy sounds like he is coming onto you even though you told him you are in a relationship. Regardless of the quality of the relationship or the guy you are in a relationship with, this is not a good sign. It doesn't speak well of his character, and it should scare the heck out of you because you're willing to "talk" to someone even though you're already in a relationship.