I left my husband-please let me know what you think

[Ashyah]

I have been married for 21 years. Both my husband and I are christians we have been for 11 years.
When we first married we had intimacy every 6 months. In between that time there was no kissing or any exchanges of love.Then it went to every year then every 4 years.

It got worse as it went. I don't know what to think of him I am trying to figure him out is he sick?Fighting with a demon? Please give me your opinions.

In the last couple of years I have left his church because of the Pastors comments. I started attending a different church. On the holidays that church has picnics. Even when I attended my husband would leave for them before I got up he would stay at the church till midnight sometimes.

Last year he took a missions trip to Mexico with his church. He didn't consult with me about going. He went for a week and left that morning before I got up. During the time he was gone he didn't call me.

He had also started sleeping in a different bedroom.When he came home from work he would go into garage and watch tv. Then he would go and visit an old man friend and come back and just watch tv in garage and then go to bed in other room. Meanwhile I spent night after night just sitting alone in house. If I was in the family room he wouldn't come in there. If he was in a room and I walked in he would leave the room.

He started also no wanting to pay for anything that involved me. I have a home business so I need cable internet and fax machine. I had to start paying for these when I couldn't pay he would do it and, then tell me how much I would have to pay him.

During the last months that I was still there I tried my best to please him. Cooking his favorite foods,even asked him to be intimate and I tried very different ways to please him. I noticed that while we were in intimacy he wouldn't tell me that he loved me.And, he would come into the bedroom around 1 or 2 am after I was asleep. Finally I asked him to be truthful with me did he love me? He said I am not sure if I do or not. I love you with the love of the Lord.Then he went into the other room to sleep.

Also, when I had asked him for grocery money he told me that I didn't deserve it. Added a word that I can't repeat.He is considered an elder in his church. I have spoken to his pastor over the years but, I think they think that I am in the wrong. His pastor has a strong hold on him.

My husband does things for others without any complaint but, at home does nothing.

I don't think that he is cheating I never suspected that of him. Aside from the lack of interest in me I haven't seen or heard anything.

Finally I was so depressed and this affected me physically and emotionally. I left him. It has been 4 months since I left. He hasn't made an effort to contact me at all.

What do you think?

 

[SanctiSpiritus]

I'm sorry to hear this. He is definitely in error. I would try marriage counseling. If that doesn't work, I would separate from him. Ask him point blank what the problem is.

 

[Ashyah]

I'm sorry to hear this. He is definitely in error. I would try marriage counseling. If that doesn't work, I would separate from him. Ask him point blank what the problem is.

I posted this on womens issues also.

I have tried counseling. He just went along with it. Just sat there quietly. One counselor put me on antidepressant.He doesn't see a problem.

I am currently separated from him with myown apartment.

 

[lin1235]

I am usually very hesitant to suggest separation or divorce to anybody but I think you have done all you can and he doesn't seem interested.

When my husband and I just got married, he suffered from depression and we rarely had sex because he had no libido. Now while it was nowhere near as bad as your experience, I think I saw a little bit of what your life is like and I can just imagine how it must have hurt you all these years.

Does your husband not think that there is a problem? Does he not want a closer relationship with you? Is he happy in your marriage?

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I don't think it's unreasonable of you to separate from him; perhaps this will force him to think about your relationship and then he'll try harder, or it will prove to you that he is really no longer interested in your marriage.

Keep your eyes on God; He wants to be close to you and spend every moment with you even if your husband does not.

 

[Ashyah]

He has said that that is how men are.

I was just talking to a friend of mine. And she asked me how I was doing. I said I am happy. It is hard to explain how I feel. See, when I was at home I was very depressed. And, this was because I saw him come from work and sit in garage to watch tv and, also go and visit his friend every night at same time.

Since I am living alone I don't see that so, I am alright.

I do love my husband but, not that behaviour. I am afraid to go back.Even if he is depressed. I was depressed but, I tried.And, I have seen him around other people. He was a different person. Doing things for them . Fixing their houses for free. Going to their houses for cookouts and birthday parties. While I didn't even know he was there.Going by himself to church picnics he would leave early in morning before I even woke up? Like he was ashamed or didn't want to be seen with me?

See, sometimes I miss him but, then I remember certain things.

God will bring me through all this.I am praying that he restores my marriage to even greater level. That he removes those people in my husband's way that are counseling him to be the macho man and, not the Godly man.

 

[wtopneuma]

I have been married for 21 years. Both my husband and I are christians we have been for 11 years.
When we first married we had intimacy every 6 months. In between that time there was no kissing or any exchanges of love.Then it went to every year then every 4 years.

It got worse as it went. I don't know what to think of him I am trying to figure him out is he sick?Fighting with a demon? Please give me your opinions.

In the last couple of years I have left his church because of the Pastors comments. I started attending a different church. On the holidays that church has picnics. Even when I attended my husband would leave for them before I got up he would stay at the church till midnight sometimes.

Last year he took a missions trip to Mexico with his church. He didn't consult with me about going. He went for a week and left that morning before I got up. During the time he was gone he didn't call me.

He had also started sleeping in a different bedroom.When he came home from work he would go into garage and watch tv. Then he would go and visit an old man friend and come back and just watch tv in garage and then go to bed in other room. Meanwhile I spent night after night just sitting alone in house. If I was in the family room he wouldn't come in there. If he was in a room and I walked in he would leave the room.

He started also no wanting to pay for anything that involved me. I have a home business so I need cable internet and fax machine. I had to start paying for these when I couldn't pay he would do it and, then tell me how much I would have to pay him.

During the last months that I was still there I tried my best to please him. Cooking his favorite foods,even asked him to be intimate and I tried very different ways to please him. I noticed that while we were in intimacy he wouldn't tell me that he loved me.And, he would come into the bedroom around 1 or 2 am after I was asleep. Finally I asked him to be truthful with me did he love me? He said I am not sure if I do or not. I love you with the love of the Lord.Then he went into the other room to sleep.

Also, when I had asked him for grocery money he told me that I didn't deserve it. Added a word that I can't repeat.He is considered an elder in his church. I have spoken to his pastor over the years but, I think they think that I am in the wrong. His pastor has a strong hold on him.

My husband does things for others without any complaint but, at home does nothing.

I don't think that he is cheating I never suspected that of him. Aside from the lack of interest in me I haven't seen or heard anything.

Finally I was so depressed and this affected me physically and emotionally. I left him. It has been 4 months since I left. He hasn't made an effort to contact me at all.

What do you think?

No mention was made of this problem being discussed with a medical doctor. There are medical and pshchological causes for this disorder. Discuss this with the doctor your husband has used for other reasons and get a second opinion from another doctor and see what they say or reccommend.

 

[Ashyah]

No mention was made of this problem being discussed with a medical doctor. There are medical and pshchological causes for this disorder. Discuss this with the doctor your husband has used for other reasons and get a second opinion from another doctor and see what they say or reccommend.

I won't be able to discuss this with his doctor. I don't even know who his doctor is. One time when he had to have surgery at the va hospital he needed someone to take him there and back. I told him I would go with him and wait. He said no and, had my daughter do it.

I am taking antidepressant at this time. I mild one. It helps.

But, most of all prayer.

 

[Autumnleaf]

I have been married for 21 years. Both my husband and I are christians we have been for 11 years.
When we first married we had intimacy every 6 months. In between that time there was no kissing or any exchanges of love.Then it went to every year then every 4 years.

It got worse as it went. I don't know what to think of him I am trying to figure him out is he sick?Fighting with a demon? Please give me your opinions.

In the last couple of years I have left his church because of the Pastors comments. I started attending a different church. On the holidays that church has picnics. Even when I attended my husband would leave for them before I got up he would stay at the church till midnight sometimes.

Last year he took a missions trip to Mexico with his church. He didn't consult with me about going. He went for a week and left that morning before I got up. During the time he was gone he didn't call me.

He had also started sleeping in a different bedroom.When he came home from work he would go into garage and watch tv. Then he would go and visit an old man friend and come back and just watch tv in garage and then go to bed in other room. Meanwhile I spent night after night just sitting alone in house. If I was in the family room he wouldn't come in there. If he was in a room and I walked in he would leave the room.

He started also no wanting to pay for anything that involved me. I have a home business so I need cable internet and fax machine. I had to start paying for these when I couldn't pay he would do it and, then tell me how much I would have to pay him.

During the last months that I was still there I tried my best to please him. Cooking his favorite foods,even asked him to be intimate and I tried very different ways to please him. I noticed that while we were in intimacy he wouldn't tell me that he loved me.And, he would come into the bedroom around 1 or 2 am after I was asleep. Finally I asked him to be truthful with me did he love me? He said I am not sure if I do or not. I love you with the love of the Lord.Then he went into the other room to sleep.

Also, when I had asked him for grocery money he told me that I didn't deserve it. Added a word that I can't repeat.He is considered an elder in his church. I have spoken to his pastor over the years but, I think they think that I am in the wrong. His pastor has a strong hold on him.

My husband does things for others without any complaint but, at home does nothing.

I don't think that he is cheating I never suspected that of him. Aside from the lack of interest in me I haven't seen or heard anything.

Finally I was so depressed and this affected me physically and emotionally. I left him. It has been 4 months since I left. He hasn't made an effort to contact me at all.

What do you think?

I don't see how leaving will help anything. Maybe you should try spending time with him doing things he likes to do. It sounds like you two grew apart and neither one of you made much effort to get to know the other.

 

[Ashyah]

I made a big effort! For years tried counseling. He went along but didn't see a problem.
I tried my best I tried cooking his favorite foods,intimacy,and others. When I tried the hardest he told me that he didn't love me!

 

[Autumnleaf]

I made a big effort! For years tried counseling. He went along but didn't see a problem.
I tried my best I tried cooking his favorite foods,intimacy,and others. When I tried the hardest he told me that he didn't love me!

Marriage isn't about big efforts so much as the daily little things. How about just spending time together shopping for groceries or at church? Its doing the daily things in life together which builds a relationship.

Why does your husband feel towards you the way he does? He has to have some reason, real or imagined, to reject you and the marriage to the extent he has. What does he tell himself about you and how you have made him feel about himself during the marriage? Hint: If your husband thought of you as a woman who thinks he's a good provider, a smart guy, and one hell of great a lover he would smile when he sees you.

 

[Ashyah]

Marriage isn't about big efforts so much as the daily little things. How about just spending time together shopping for groceries or at church? Its doing the daily things in life together which builds a relationship.

Why does your husband feel towards you the way he does? He has to have some reason, real or imagined, to reject you and the marriage to the extent he has. What does he tell himself about you and how you have made him feel about himself during the marriage? Hint: If your husband thought of you as a woman who thinks he's a good provider, a smart guy, and one hell of great a lover he would smile when he sees you.

I always encouraged him.I also had to make decisions. We had a foreclosure he never even said a word about it. I had to run around dealing with people. Had to go out there by myself looking for another place to live.I have been very good to him.Even when utilities were being shut off refrigerator empty. I prayed. I worked harder to take over his obligations. This man hasn't filed with IRS for seven years. I lost my real estate license because of that. He didn't even say a word about that.
You don't know what all I have gone through.I stayed because I felt maybe he was sick. But, I see how nice and accomadating he is for other people.At our house we spent a year without bathroom doors. This was a rental house. He told the landlord that he would do that.We have a teenage daughter. Finally I had to put the doors up myself.
There are a lot more things that went on.
Something is wrong with him.

 

[KillerV]

something is definitely wrong with him. Honestly, I would have done the same thing. Him being an elder really really puzzles me. What church does he attend? Almost sounds like an ocult. I am really sorry your having to go through this. All i can suggest is for you to surround yourself with christian fellowship,they will be an encouragement to you. I hope that you relize you did the BEST that you could do,do not for one second blame yourself!

 

[Autumnleaf]

I always encouraged him.I also had to make decisions. We had a foreclosure he never even said a word about it. I had to run around dealing with people. Had to go out there by myself looking for another place to live.I have been very good to him.Even when utilities were being shut off refrigerator empty. I prayed. I worked harder to take over his obligations. This man hasn't filed with IRS for seven years. I lost my real estate license because of that. He didn't even say a word about that.
You don't know what all I have gone through.I stayed because I felt maybe he was sick. But, I see how nice and accomadating he is for other people.At our house we spent a year without bathroom doors. This was a rental house. He told the landlord that he would do that.We have a teenage daughter. Finally I had to put the doors up myself.
There are a lot more things that went on.
Something is wrong with him.

Oh. You're in one of those types of marriages. Women like you must be some of the most frustrated people in the world. I know I would be if I were a woman and in a marriage like yours.

When the wife has to do the providing and decision making it sort of emasculates the man and makes the wife come across as bossy. Have you considered not doing things you think your husband should do, without nagging him to do them? There are other ways to motivate people to do things. For instance, if you want doors on the bathroom why not invite your husband's pastor over for dinner... If nothing else it will give your husband's pastor a hint at what is going on at home so he can better advise your husband.

 

[Ashyah]

Oh. You're in one of those types of marriages. Women like you must be some of the most frustrated people in the world. I know I would be if I were a woman and in a marriage like yours.

When the wife has to do the providing and decision making it sort of emasculates the man and makes the wife come across as bossy. Have you considered not doing things you think your husband should do, without nagging him to do them? There are other ways to motivate people to do things. For instance, if you want doors on the bathroom why not invite your husband's pastor over for dinner... If nothing else it will give your husband's pastor a hint at what is going on at home so he can better advise your husband.

I don't know what other way to motivate him. We have an IRS debt. I went and retained an attorney to make an offer in compromise. Attorney needed receipts and other proofs from us. I was after my husband for two years to give me his stuff . He didn't. Finally I just told the attorney to go ahead with my side. I had to do this. You can't mess with IRS.
His pastor knows about the things at home. My husband acts like he has been brainwashed he does everything with the people at his church.
Today, his sister is in emergency surgery they have to remove 70 % of her intestines. Doctors said she may not survive the surgery because her heart is too weak. I called him to find out if he had gone to the hospital today. He said no didn't sound concerned. I am on my way over there to pray. I hope he is there. His family needs him he is the eldest.
Please pray for my sister in law her name is Maria.

 

[Autumnleaf]

I don't know what other way to motivate him. We have an IRS debt. I went and retained an attorney to make an offer in compromise. Attorney needed receipts and other proofs from us. I was after my husband for two years to give me his stuff . He didn't. Finally I just told the attorney to go ahead with my side. I had to do this. You can't mess with IRS.
His pastor knows about the things at home. My husband acts like he has been brainwashed he does everything with the people at his church.
Today, his sister is in emergency surgery they have to remove 70 % of her intestines. Doctors said she may not survive the surgery because her heart is too weak. I called him to find out if he had gone to the hospital today. He said no didn't sound concerned. I am on my way over there to pray. I hope he is there. His family needs him he is the eldest.
Please pray for my sister in law her name is Maria.

You're still calling the shots he should be making. It would be like if you had a child who was learning to walk and you kept them in a walker and refused to let them try to walk for fear they would fall down. If you let your husband run things he will probably wreck them. When he does this enough he will have to do something other than wreck things and he'll be good to go. Same as a child who falls numerous times before finally getting it and walking like the rest of us. If you insist on fixing things your husband will never have to become responsible. Let him mess with the IRS and get his fingers burned. Maybe he'll learn not to touch that hot stove in the future.

 

[bliz]

AShyah -

You will have to forgive Autumleaf. Any problem in any marriage is always the fault of the wife, in his opinion.

I think you have made the choices you had to make. It sounds to me like your husband is deeply depressed. It is not uncommon at all for a deeply depressed person to keep one part of their life functioning quite well while the rest of their life totally falls apart. Your husband is keeping his church life functioning well, but can manage nothing else.

He needs serious medial and psychological help, but I doubt very much if he is going to agree to any of that.

BTW - there is no way your husband should be an elder in any church. Clearly his house is not in order, and that makes me seriously question the church and the pastor.

 

[Ashyah]

AShyah -

You will have to forgive Autumleaf. Any problem in any marriage is always the fault of the wife, in his opinion.

I think you have made the choices you had to make. It sounds to me like your husband is deeply depressed. It is not uncommon at all for a deeply depressed person to keep one part of their life functioning quite well while the rest of their life totally falls apart. Your husband is keeping his church life functioning well, but can manage nothing else.

He needs serious medial and psychological help, but I doubt very much if he is going to agree to any of that.

BTW - there is no way your husband should be an elder in any church. Clearly his house is not in order, and that makes me seriously question the church and the pastor.

I believe that he was made an elder because of the maintenance work that he does. He doesn't preach or pray for people.
And, that is what I have always thought that with the depression he can only do that side and neglect home and me.
But, the Bible says that an elder has to take care of the home first. You can hide things from man but, not God. You have to serve God not man.
I saw him today at his sisters hospital. She came through well fromt he surgery they removed her sigmoid colon it was hard like a rock the doctor said. Being around my husband how he spoke to the others but not me made me as sad as I felt when I was at the house with him.

 

[bliz]

Be it elder of deacon, a person in leadership in the church should have their household in good order.
I Timothy 3:4 He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive

Not speaking to his wife is not an example of managing a family well. I cannot believe that people do not notice that he never speaks to you at church.

 

[Autumnleaf]

AShyah -

You will have to forgive Autumleaf. Any problem in any marriage is always the fault of the wife, in his opinion.

I think you have made the choices you had to make. It sounds to me like your husband is deeply depressed. It is not uncommon at all for a deeply depressed person to keep one part of their life functioning quite well while the rest of their life totally falls apart. Your husband is keeping his church life functioning well, but can manage nothing else.

He needs serious medial and psychological help, but I doubt very much if he is going to agree to any of that.

BTW - there is no way your husband should be an elder in any church. Clearly his house is not in order, and that makes me seriously question the church and the pastor.

Always is a word you should use sparingly if at all. However, I admit I do usually suggest women try to conform more to Biblical roles when they ask for help becuase I can't really suggest their husbands do anything because they aren't asking, and because marital problems often occur when Biblical roles are nonexistant in the marriage.

This guy is probably tired of living in a marriage where he has no satisfaction, no sense of self esteem. So he goes to church where people treat him with respect. Men are not so enigmatic. We treat women based on how they make us feel when we're around them.

 

[heymikey80]

Oh. You're in one of those types of marriages. Women like you must be some of the most frustrated people in the world. I know I would be if I were a woman and in a marriage like yours.

When the wife has to do the providing and decision making it sort of emasculates the man and makes the wife come across as bossy. Have you considered not doing things you think your husband should do, without nagging him to do them? There are other ways to motivate people to do things. For instance, if you want doors on the bathroom why not invite your husband's pastor over for dinner... If nothing else it will give your husband's pastor a hint at what is going on at home so he can better advise your husband.

I would agree that there are situations like this.

However, as profound a capitulation to duty as this thread says, it's that the man has for whatever reason abandoned her. She would be able to get a divorce for cause, and easily. Men aren't absolved of their roles just because the wife takes them over. They're to assert themselves in their roles so there's no need. Deborah's story describes a godly woman taking up the role no man was willing to play. Abigail's story also comes to mind.

I can sympathize with both sides, frankly. But I think the proper course of action is for her to sustain herself -- especially when she's found she can't function in his mass of non-function. He may well have a medical condition; yet his responsibility remains the same. If it's medical, he needs to seek help. She's born his infirmities beyond all expectation that I can see.