I left abuse

[dusky_tresses]

I don't know if anyone has been familiar about what my parents are like, but I had posted a thread in the dating forum about my parents and my relationship and I had mentioned some points about how they were abusive in the past. But lately this is what has happened....

Almost a month ago one of my parents pushed me against the wall and then tried to use my head as a hammer against the wall and thne preceded to strangle me. After that night I filed a report and then left my parents home. I have not spoken to them since. My parents were mentally and physically abusive and that is the main reason why I left. I am also going to be 22 next year and graduating from college yet they never would treat me like an adult and never respected the fact that their abuse hurt me physically but even more emotionally inside.

But I feel like I'm being a horrible child for leaving. The reason why I havent spoken to them directly yet is because Im scared that I'll lose my composure and eventually "give in" by letting them know where I live, where I work (I have two jobs now) and my number. I know what will happen if I were to do that. I know if I moved back into their house, they would be nice at first but after a few weeks it would just be the same thing all over again. I cannot live my life fearing to go to sleep or being afraid to go home because I missed my 10:00 curfew.

But I feel like I'm not honoring them and I'm being weak by leaving. I have been told in the past that I needed to get hit in order to make things fair because they paid for everything I needed and I didnt have to pay rent in their house, and the fact that they don't admit that hitting me is bad is something that is just ok. But to me, that is NOT ok. I also know that my parents use our culture as an excuse for everything, when in reality our culture does not condone this kind of behavior.

I was also told that even though my parents are controlling and abusive, they love me. I dont know about the rest of you but that statement just didnt make any sense to me. And to be honest, I'm not even sure that I love them because of what they have put me through. I know that eventually I'll need to forgive them but right now that isnt something I'm going to do so quickly. Is having my mom smack my head several times love? Even when she says sorry? Or her giving me a black eye, and then saying sorry about it afterwards? Or my dad using a belt on me because I dont share their beliefs? My parents have always hit me severely and then said sorry and that they'd never do it again. They have always done that and I dont even know what to believe anymore.

My parents are also very good at manipulating my emotions and doing things in order to get me to do what they want. My mom will act like she's having seizures and say that I'm the reason why she can't function normally, and my parents will also buy things in order to get me to be quiet. And then all I can do is feel guilty for what I have done, and feel that being abused is a true part of life because that's just the way it's supposed to be.

Right now all I feel is sadness, resentment and anger. Sadness because it has had to come down to this, resentment because I feel like my parents played with my emotions to get what they want and anger because they did it in the first place yet won't admit what they did and do is wrong.

My parents act like they want me back in their home so badly and say stuff about how they will change and how they are sorry, but once I am in their house they turn around and act the opposite. What am I supposed to do?

Am I being immoral for leaving? Should I move back into their home in the hopes that things might change, even if I am still abused from time to time? How can they say they love me when they treat me like dirt?

 

[lillybug0514]

Am I being immoral for leaving? Should I move back into their home in the hopes that things might change, even if I am still abused from time to time? How can they say they love me when they treat me like dirt?

Absoutley not!!! You are not immoral for leaving and trying to make your life better. For years after I moved out of my mom's house I felt that I did the wrong thing. I felt guilty that I had put myself in a better place out of the reach of her anger, and what I did might have been wrong, because I left my two sisters there. And I was not there to thake the abuse for them and protect them, although she has never hurt them like she hurt me. And everyday her side of the familf called me and told me how much I was hurting her and dissapointing them by doing this. But ever since I have moved out, my relationship with my mother has gotten better. It has taken 8 years for us to get to the point of being able to talk to each other and be comfortable around each other, and we still havent reached the point of me being able to actually tell her that I love her.

Please do not go back with hopes that things will change. I never moved back into my moms house and she has hit me since then. In my case it didnt matter that I moved out because she still blamed me for all her problems and would lash out at me when she got mad.

I know that my mom loves me, but she has so many emotional problems that it has hurt our relationship to the point of I am trying to love her again. I'm sure your parents love you, and you moving out may have showed them that.

I know that it is hard because I blamed my self for years and felt guilty. But please realise that you are making the right choice and it will get better.

Please do not blame yourself for what they did. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. And in my opinion you should stay strong and move on from here with your life. I'm so sorry that you are going through this and I will pray for you to be delivered out of this, and to make the right choices.

 

[TheReasoner]

No. You are NOT a bad child for leaving. What you now struggle with, the feelings of guilt and shame, it's all normal to follow such a change as you have made. You made a stand. You stood up, and did what had to be done. That is demanding, and I respect that you have managed to do it.

I would advice against going back to your parents. You already know what will happen if you do. They will go back to their old habit of being abusive. No, my advice is stay out. Stay free, and build yourself a healthy life.

 

[Truly Blessed]

Am I being immoral for leaving? ?

No

Should I move back into their home in the hopes that things might change, even if I am still abused from time to time? ?

No

How can they say they love me when they treat me like dirt?

I dont know about your parents specifically; However, people do sick things out of Love. They either dont know better, dont care, or are lying. My mothers case, I think she just did not know better. When a child grows up in an abusive home it is very likely they themselves will become abusers not realizing that it is wrong.

Stick to your guns ; Just don't shoot anybody .

 

[dusky_tresses]

Thanks for the responses so far. I am considering writing my mom a letter to let her know how I feel and why I left and anything else. I want to be straightforward and honest, but I am also concerned that I will be harsh and cold in the letter. I really want to let her know that what my parents have done has really hurt me, has torn our family apart and that what they do is wrong without making her feel angry or hurt.

I went to the store today and I was just browsing flowers and I came across some old Mother's Day brooches and to be honest my heart melted. I wish that I could have been able to give my mother one but because of what has happened I couldnt. I'm thinking of having a flower with the letter I write because I want to at least know that I do care.

I'm not going to be able to speak with my family for a while because of all the hurt and how Im feeling right now. But is writing a letter the best way to go so far? Or should I make a call? I know that deep down inside, my mom does care about me but because she's always using emotional manipulation I have a hard time feeling that her emotions are genuine.

 

[TheReasoner]

Thanks for the responses so far. I am considering writing my mom a letter to let her know how I feel and why I left and anything else. I want to be straightforward and honest, but I am also concerned that I will be harsh and cold in the letter. I really want to let her know that what my parents have done has really hurt me, has torn our family apart and that what they do is wrong without making her feel angry or hurt.

I went to the store today and I was just browsing flowers and I came across some old Mother's Day brooches and to be honest my heart melted. I wish that I could have been able to give my mother one but because of what has happened I couldnt. I'm thinking of having a flower with the letter I write because I want to at least know that I do care.

I'm not going to be able to speak with my family for a while because of all the hurt and how Im feeling right now. But is writing a letter the best way to go so far? Or should I make a call? I know that deep down inside, my mom does care about me but because she's always using emotional manipulation I have a hard time feeling that her emotions are genuine.

Here's what I did... I went out with friends, got to let my mind settle a bit. I also wrote pretty angry poems and letters, some of which I kept, some which I burnt.
When my mind had settled I wrote one sentence;
"I think it'd be best if we ceased communicating"
simple, and it worked. Was better than gushing out hate and anger when I had only recently gotten away as well. Also it saved me angry replies.
My advice is; Wait. Don't write until you are a bit more settled and feel a bit safer.

 

[dusky_tresses]

I did recently write my mom a letter and just left it by her vehicle when she was at work. I needed to communicate with them but at least they dont know where I am.

I wasnt angry in the letter but I really let them know that they needed to think about their actions and they needed to try to make things better and it was up to them if they wanted to change and become healthier people. I really made my parents think about what has happened and why I dont feel safe meeting them in person.

As far as that, how long should I wait until I meet them in person again? Should I wait a few months? Should I go back to their house and meet them?

 

[b.a.t]

Hi, I feel very touched when I read about your situation because I too was abused mentally and physically. My mum divorced my dad when I was 2 yrs old, then re-married when I was 7. Everything was great for a while, but when me and my sisters started to reach our teenage years things changed. We were not allowed friends at the house. We were not allowed out, only to school and to my grans house, but even then he would have people watching and if we went to see our friends he would find out. Then my mum died in 1994 things got much worse, he would go to the pub of a night and lock us in the house so we couldn't get out. If we done anything wrong he would swear and shout and call us names to this day it hurts like mad. One night I found the door key and went outside and sat in the street talking to the neighbours, he found out and pinned me up against the wall by my neck, then banged my head against the wall like he wanted to kill me. That night I left home I was 17, People said I was wrong for leaving my sisters with him and that I was selfish. I didn't know what else to do. This is so hard for me to talk like this. Anyway I got a flat then my sisters left and came to live with me while they found somewhere to live. Now I have 2 beautiful daughters and my life is good. I hope you find peace in knowing you are not alone. I wll pray for you and I wish you well. Remember God loves you.

 

[lillybug0514]

As far as that, how long should I wait until I meet them in person again? Should I wait a few months? Should I go back to their house and meet them?

If you have decided to meet them, my advice is to wait until you are comfortable doing so. Wait until you feel that you can emotionally handle seeing them again, and what might be said. When you go be prepared for anything and everything, it wont be easy. In my case I was blamed for all my moms problems and didnt get a chance to say anything before I couldnt handle it anymore.

When you meet them I suggest meeting at a different location than the house, because it holds so many memories, some good and bad. Being in a neutral setting will most likely keep everything under control and safe. It will also give you a chance to leave easier if you become too uncomfortable.

Good luck and I will pray for things to work out for you, I hope what I said could help you some.

 

[SeekAnd]

Guess what Browneyes84?

You dont owe anybody anything.
You have the right to feel what you feel.
Your first priority must be your own safety.
When you have been safe for a while you can start to heal.

I have never understood why I feel like I want to prove mysely to the ones who abused me. Why do I need some kind of approval from people who didnt care enough about me to protect me from their own abuse? I sometimes feel sorry for them thinking they didnt have a choice. Well, they did have a choice. Abusers only hurt people who cant fight back. If abusive people were "out of control" they wouldnt be able to hide what they do. Abusive people blame their victims because they cannot accept that they are monsters.

You dont have to forgive people who hurt you until you are ready. Anger is a constructive emotion when it protects you from harm. I can think of no way in which it is wrong to be angry at people who hurt you. Its better to be angry with them than at yourself. Dont let them convince you that you are wrong to be angry. I know that the bible says not to let the sun go down on your anger. Unfortunately some hurts last for longer than the day they occur.

For some reason parents often continue to abuse their children after the children are arent children anymore. I guess they decided at one time that you didnt deserve decency and respect and freedom from fear and abuse. Maybe they just continue to abuse out of habit. It is beyond me.

This whole response was written out of anger and hurt from my own experiences that mirrored yours. I apologize for that bit of self indulgence.

If a stanger repeatedly hurt you would you give them another chance to do so again?
I cant understand why we victims of abuse give our family members so many chances. I dont understand why we even want the love of people who hurt us. I do know how much I would like to have my parents ask for my forgiveness and say that they love me. Im 42 and it hasnt happened yet. I am finally starting to realize that there are some people who I can trust not to hurt me but it is still a stuggle. Especially people who have some kind of authority over me.

I cant imagine a God that loves us as much as ours does not understanding how hard it is to forgive the people who have hurt us so. We are called to repent of our sins and not to do them any more. Are we as impefect damaged people expected to be as forgiving as God? I think God just wants us to do our best and He will take care of the rest.

Maybe you could think of the uncomfortable feeling you have about your parents as a warning of impending hurt.

God Bless You!
Scott

 

[dusky_tresses]

Thanks for the advice again thusfar.

Lately I havent felt very angry, more sad because it seems like it will take a decade before my parents realize that what they do is wrong. I recently received a letter from my dad and it was chock full of anger. Basically Im an ungrateful child and he has "never" harmed me, but tried to show me what was the right thing to do in life. How could he have said that when he fully knows what he did?

And also my family is very very convinced that I did not move out of my own free will, and that my friends are telling me what to do and dictating my life. I feel like my parents will never get through their heads that I was capable of opposing them out of my own free will, or at least they seem in denial about that fact. They have been SO convinced that I was this perfect saintly child who out of the blue is being "bad" because of my friends.

I do feel like Im violating the commandment which tells us to honor our parents. But I've tried and tried and tried and that has gotten me no where. In the past I would struggle and cry to please them and it never worked. Never. My mom always found a reason to make me feel bad and to hurt me no matter what I did. So what am I supposed to do?

I'm just glad that I have a supporting network of friends and work who are supporting me in what I did.

I think part of the reason we allow our families to abuse us and give them the opportunity to do so is because we truly do love them and believe that deep down they are good people and just need the proper help to get that person out. We are so convinced that they WILL change when they say they will that we forget about the hurt we experience. And also because they are family. I have been told by my family that without them I am a nobody. Family are supposed to be the people you know will always be there and support you but in our cases it wasnt that way.

I know my family probably feels like Ive betrayed them. Apparently this was supposed to be some "private family matter" that was noone else's business. In a way I have betrayed that but why should something like this be coveted? Why should something like this be harbored. It shouldnt ever at all.

 

[SeekAnd]

Good for you!

I think you are asking the right questions! Everyone hates to be confronted with their truth. The worse the truth the harder it is to accept. Question them and the circumstances not yourself. Maybe you could ask your parents how they expected you to feel when they did this or that to you.

Its not your job to take care of them. Children are never supposed to be the parents of their parents. They got their time to be children, you should have had yours.
Arent they a whole lot older than you anyway?
Are you wrong to want parents that will love and protect you from harm? Would you ever tell someone you love that they are nothing?
Isnt it the job of parents to build you up so you can do well in the world? Would you ever try to twist someone around so that they feel bad for what bad things you do to them?
Would you spend time with anyone else who did things like that to you?

I know how you can feel guilty when you are trying to make a better life for yourself. I know how it hurts to want the supporting family you deserve. I know how it hurts to be told you are nothing. I was just told that 2 months ago.

Honey, I will never understand how people can be so hurtful to the people that need their love the most.

I dont have any answers to how best to deal with being abused either. Time and distance help. God helps the most.

It seems I have been the most content in my life when I have built my own family out of the people I have been fortunate enough to meet in this world.
I think the best way to chase away the bad things is to cherish the good.
I truly find it unbelievable that God would want us to accept everything that our parents give us when it is bad.

I believe He does want us to treat everyone with respect. And He wants us to pray for and do good to those who would hurt us. I dont think He wants us to put ourselves in hurtful positions. He will call us to do things that are hard and may put us at risk. I dont think it would ever serve His purpose to send us into abusive situations. When you have healed you may be a good witness to your parents. Sticking up for youself is being a good witness too. By sticking up for yourself and protecting yourself you are saying that you are a wonderful, strong overcomming child of God who deserves to be loved.

Im a praying for you,
Scott

 

[dusky_tresses]

I have recently received an email from a relative of mines who is aware of what has been happening. She says that she is concerned and cries because she is not sure of how my safety is and says that she still loves me and wants to hear from me. What should I tell her? Should I tell her where I am living and my number? I know that she probably does care but Im not sure if I can believe she will not disclose that information from my family.


Another thing that has been plaguing me is whether or not I should excuse my parents behavior because that is all they knew and that is why they did what they did. I dont buy it but thinking that way makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel like I violated a family business and that I am ungrateful.

I'm still not sure how to sort out these feelings. What is even worse is that I feel like I am violating God's commandment to honor thy parents. Am I?

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I am proud of you for having the strength to leave.
*hug*
Your parents love you? Beating a girl's head against the wall and strangling her is not love. Talk is cheap. The proof is in one's actions.
I hope that now you will be able to experience a real loving, caring relationship.

 

[SeekAnd]

I have recently received an email from a relative of mines who is aware of what has been happening. She says that she is concerned and cries because she is not sure of how my safety is and says that she still loves me and wants to hear from me. What should I tell her? Should I tell her where I am living and my number? I know that she probably does care but Im not sure if I can believe she will not disclose that information from my family.

Safety first! You could tell this person that you would prefer to communicate by e-mail until you have some more time to "deal" with things. Explain that this is a difficult time for you and you need to figure things out. I would just say that and ask for their understanding.

Another thing that has been plaguing me is whether or not I should excuse my parents behavior because that is all they knew and that is why they did what they did. I dont buy it but thinking that way makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel like I violated a family business and that I am ungrateful.

Millions of people have bad lives and dont physically or emotionally assault their children. I find it hard to believe that they dont really know it is wrong. Its so hard to feel guilty when you are the injured party. Sometimes you think that if you are just kinder to them they will treat you with respect. I think they are the ones who need to demonstrate that they can treat you with respect. There is always a certain shame in being a victim. It saps your confidence, self esteem and makes you afraid to be less than perfect.
When and if you feel comfortable and safe you will probably want to communicate with your parents again. Please give yourself time. I honestly can see no disadvantage in waiting for things to calm down and for your wounds to heel.
If there is going to be good relations between you and your family it will still be there next month or whenever.
I have heard that it takes 30 days of not repeating a behavior to beat an addiction. Maybe you could let it be known to your parents that you want 30 days with no contact from them. Unfortunately you may have to do that so they can get over their addiction to hurting you.

I'm still not sure how to sort out these feelings. What is even worse is that I feel like I am violating God's commandment to honor thy parents. Am I?

That one puzzles me also. To me its always been difficult to define honor. Do we have to honor them when they are hurting us? Might it not be honoring them and yourself and God by not letting them continue with behavior that hurts you and them? I think you just need to look into your heart and see if you are really dishonoring them. You are never responsible for anyone elses happiness. They may be unhappy that you have left them but I cant see fleenig from harm as hurting them. You can state your thoughts in a respectful manner. You are not responsible for them not liking what you have to say.

Please make yourself safe. Please give yourself time. Dont let people manipulate you.
If you got a bad sunburn you would probably give yourself time before you spent a lot of time in the sun again, wouldnt you?

I heard this on the TV show Lost last night and will probably remember it for the rest of my life. Kids are alot like dogs, if you kick them often enough they will start to think its their fault"

This post may be of use to you; http://www.christianforums.com/show....php?p=15563151

Im Prayin' For You

 

[SeekAnd]

...

 

[SeekAnd]

Sorry Folks, I posted to the wrong thread twice.

 

[Yasha]

I don't have time to read everybody's answers right now...but, I read your whole first post.

I say,"If you are doing well enough on your own, and can survive and finish school....stay away from them!"

I was impressed with how articulate you are and with your heart to consider them, still. That is very Christ-like...to still have their interests in mind. But, prayer and taking care of you, in my humble opinion, is enough caring for them, for now.

Excuse me for saying so, but they are a little whacked. This is NO WAY to treat a daughter. Love them from a safe distance. Heal you. Pray for them and for forgiveness for them to be solidly manifest in your heart, mind and spirit, as a reality...not as a word we just throw around. Forgive is a verb, not a concept. Too many do not pursue it in reality, just use it as a term that sounds good.

I think to truly overcome their abusiveness, you could use a support group. There are many kinds. Since you are on the internet, I'm sure you could google up the locations of local support groups for abusive victims. I think you'd find the comradery and the common ground on MANY issues a comfort and a source of personal strength.

God bless you for escaping a destructive environment. I suggest that you are right to stay away from them until you feel you have established personal strength, resolve and forgiveness. I also strongly suggest that you establish a good new support base for yourself emotionally...thus the victims of abuse group suggestion....stay in touch with as many of your old friends, who are healthy influences, as possible, too. People you DO trust.

None of us were meant to go things alone all the time, especially during big life changes like you described.

I'm proud of you and respecting the strength it took to make these changes that is in you...the Lord will provide. I pray for your growing peace, faith, courage, safety and forgiveness....and against bitterness, abuse and fear. Love you in Christ,

 

[David McQueen]

BrownEyes

Firstly God bless you as you struggle with this dilemna. For those of us who are not aware of your culture, background we will not be able to understand the conflicts you are going through. So I pray that you find any of our comments non judgmental.

The Bible surely tells us to honour our parents. Yet it goes even further instructing our parents to bring us up in the way that is right, not to provoke our children to anger. It's interesting the whole concept of discipline means to lead by example. This appears where a lot of your struggle as your tone suggests that you feel disrespectful for walking away from their form of "discipline". Jewish wisdom teaches that we cannot honour our parents unless they instill that sense of hnour in us, which is driven by their honour for God.

Jesus knows your heart. He sees your pain and hurt. He knows your frustration. I am not sure what support network you have around you in terms of friends, church, family, etc but I would suggest, if you havent already done so, to get them around and pray with you constantly for strength and wisdom in this situation. The truth is forgiveness for this pain will not come over night and will come with time.

In the meantime if you want to express your feelings. Write it down in a journal but dont send it to them. Get it out of the system, but dont meet them or maintain contact until you are that point you are more comfortable in doing so. And knowing the history if you do go to confront them take someone who can protect you when you are with them, and who wont leave you there alone.

I pray for resolution of this painful episode.

 

[Pilgrim1951]

BrownEyes

Firstly God bless you as you struggle with this dilemna. For those of us who are not aware of your culture, background we will not be able to understand the conflicts you are going through. So I pray that you find any of our comments non judgmental.

The Bible surely tells us to honour our parents. Yet it goes even further instructing our parents to bring us up in the way that is right, not to provoke our children to anger. It's interesting the whole concept of discipline means to lead by example. This appears where a lot of your struggle as your tone suggests that you feel disrespectful for walking away from their form of "discipline". Jewish wisdom teaches that we cannot honour our parents unless they instill that sense of hnour in us, which is driven by their honour for God.

Jesus knows your heart. He sees your pain and hurt. He knows your frustration. I am not sure what support network you have around you in terms of friends, church, family, etc but I would suggest, if you havent already done so, to get them around and pray with you constantly for strength and wisdom in this situation. The truth is forgiveness for this pain will not come over night and will come with time.

In the meantime if you want to express your feelings. Write it down in a journal but dont send it to them. Get it out of the system, but dont meet them or maintain contact until you are that point you are more comfortable in doing so. And knowing the history if you do go to confront them take someone who can protect them with you.

I pray for resolution of this painful episode.

Browneyes, I believe there is much wisdom in this post.