I wrote this last year. I know that I am only 16, but I think I do understand what some people here feel. I haven't felt like that in a long while, I don't know how I got over the feelings but I pulled through somehow. Here's a small account of a low point in my life. Hopefully, you'll read? Thank you. 
And sorry, it is a bit long... just bare with me.
Another Attempt
Alone in the dark room, she takes one last glance at the sun, the bright, smiling star. Her eyes always held the shine of the sun, and this has always fooled everyone into thinking she was happy. How could this feeling overwhelm and at last take over her? How could she let it do this to her? She knew exactly how, she wanted it to finish. For years, for as long as she could remember, she has had that demon inside. With its blinding, ghostly voice, it took over when she felt all hope was lost. Her self-esteem was at an all time low.
She listened to the background. Her self portrait played in her stereo. The devils music was her home and heart. She listened to the strum of the guitar she felt her soul lighten the load on her back; she felt her heart slow to a constant beat. She closed her eyelids and looked into the darkness before her. Glows of light and ruby blood swirled in front of her eyes. She listened to the words of the song, I wish I died instead of lived Oh yes, she remembered the time before, her dead life. She tried before but always, she was too afraid and worried for others; she couldnt do it. Her savior, the one who she loved, was no longer here. She felt his faith in her slip away slowly. Sure, they talked but she couldnt feel the way she did before. Goosebumps waved over her skin and she felt a chill climb up her spine. She cant do it anymore, they were great together but time changes everything Oh, change is always never pleasing!! Every person was against their relationship but that was not the reason why she was here. She was here because of old demons, old problems, her ultimate old question
She looked into the sky again; gray clouds hovered low and were seizing the sun of his sky. She watched and witnessed the death of the light, the demise of her last ray of happiness. She sighed and fixed her sight onto the ground. The rain was coming. The lightening and thunder would rein once again. She closed her eyes tight and she felt the strain build. She squeezed harder and forced the pain to swim to her head. Finally she let go. The pain left a glowing trail in front of her opened eyes. The picture faded and for a moment, she was blind Oh, what a wonderful feeling that was. She felt the cool sensation ripple throughout her body and her heartbeat quickened. She faced the mirror in her cold room; the bed behind her was wet from the tears she cried moments before. She could still smell the sweet scent of him on her pillow. Another memory of joy she will not be able to cherish. The dim lighting of the sky flowed into her room and her pale skin illuminated the mirror. She took a deep breath and she slowly released. A smile tried to break through her lips but she fought and triumphantly won. She pressed her lips together as hard as she could. She let go and they tingled irritably with blood. Her lips streaked with a deep scarlet then she watched them fade into a reddish pink. Below her eyes, dark circles were tender and the tightened her skin. She touched her face and felt the newly made perfection of her features. She refused to smile yet again. Her dark brown eyes pierced her own as she stared at herself.
The music, now distant and distorted, blared behind her; she could only make out the tune, no words. The rage of the voice, the beat of the drum, the strum of the bass, and most of all, the soul of the guitar filled her ears, and ultimately her heart and soul. Music was the first male to conquer her heart. She stared into her own eyes. She strained and searched for the unseen purpose she knew she never had. She wanted to find her meaning; she wanted to know why she developed this demon inside. Why was she hiding from reality? How long has she been hiding? What was she hiding?? She looked down and her heartbeat raced as she realized the blade caressing her hand. More than ever, she wanted that caress to be from her boyfriend, but he was nowhere near He hasnt been around in so long She took another deep breath and eyed the shiny silver. She licked her lips with her cold tongue; she then bit her bottom lip with her teeth. She felt the shock of pain in her mouth but after the pinch, she felt the pleasure. She bit harder and blood began to drip from her dark red lip. The blood trickled down her chin and stained her pastel skin. She released her bite and she let herself enjoy the pain and pleasure twirl inside her. She learned to love the pain; she learned to turn it into pleasure. This was something she was never proud of but right now, she was glad for this ability.
She felt the blood spill out of her; she felt her soul seep through her cut. More and more, little by little, she felt the life being sucked out of her, and by her own hand. Was life so hard for her to result to the stupidest thing any mortal human can do? She did not know. She tried other things; the doctors have given her drugs endless drugs. Shes taken them all, but they all were only burying the pain deeper into her. Nothing killed the demon inside. Not even love. It still lingered, it was never destroyed. Oh God, she prays every night for God to take it away, but never has it left her. Then her love came along Love did leave overwhelming happiness but it could not destroy the demon; love left nothing but a false illusion. Why her? Why did she suffer?? Why was she given this burden?? Why?? She truly didnt know. She sank to the floor and the tears dribbled down her face. The crimson pain no longer bled but its path combined with her salty tears. The glass drops dripped on her skin and they busted into a pink splash. The cool breeze became an uncomfortable wind. She shivered and thought of her love. She closed her eyes and tried to keep the suicidal thoughts out of her head. But no, even the most warm and loving memories couldnt save her now. She was too deep in the pool, she couldnt escape. She leaned back on the floor and she gazed at the white crinkles of the ceiling. Her breath slowed and remained calm. She glanced away from the top and she rolled her head to her left. Then it caught her eye. She stayed lying in that position for what seemed like forever. She watched the light reflect off of the surface. She did not blink one moment. She swallowed her dry spit, and she felt her throat crack from the aridity. Finally, she absentmindedly picked up the weapon. She admired the smooth sides, the cool sensation of the surface, but most of all, the sharp, pointed tip.
The sleek tools handle was silver as well but nothing fascinated her as much as the blade itself. She remembered of the last time she picked it up, this same blade. It was a bit over a year ago. The long scar on her leg throbbed as she slid her fingertip over the aged edge. She couldnt help herself. It brought her so much pleasure and joy the last time. It has to do the same thing again! The pain inside, caused by the demon, was grasping her heart. She has to let the demon out, and the only way is through her open wounds. She lightly bit down on her lower lip and she squeezed the handle in her right hand. She took her left leg and saw the large, faint scar on the inside of her thigh, ending on the side of her knee. That part of her skin is so sensitive the knife will slice easier it will, believe me. She gasped. The cool blade held the coldness of the dry air surrounding her. Her dried tears petrified her face and she took a deep breath. The room was now silenced. The music no longer played, the sound of her breath remained frozen in time. Her heartbeat stopped as she slowly guided the blade along her skin gradually slicing the scar again. The blood began to leak through the tiny slit. She let go of her lip. She let go of her breath. Her heart pounded harder. The shock of the pain ran through her body. She squeezed the knife harder and tried to make the pain into pleasure.
After another grueling minute, she began to feel the joy. Just like allowing the ghostly voice of the guitar dance with your soul, she felt the spiritual and emotional bliss spread and forced the satisfied smile to broaden on her lips. She leaned back and her grasp let the knife fall to the floor. The silver perfection now was smeared with her wine-colored blood. The shock and ecstasy of the entire experience was what she craved. Now that it was done, she wanted more. She needed more. She picked up the blade again and with the bliss remaining in her colorless eyes, she observed the skin on her left wrist. So light and so gentle, she thought. She felt the urge to slice the blue vein; she wanted to sever the life of the demon. She needed to end it now! It was so clear to her now; the life of the demon will end only if she ends hers as well. The crazed idea soaked through and she knew what she had to do. Nothing will stop her now But then, she heard a noise in the other side of the house. A door had slammed. Her lost sense now began to take over. She gasped as she studied her situation. What had she done? What had she done?? She felt tears stream now because the pain no longer was pleasure. She lost the steady flow of the dream and she was pulled back into the harsh waves of reality. She grabbed a shirt from her drawer as she heard someone approaching her door. Her heart pounded harder as she covered and pressed down on the cut. The pain fueled the tears and she couldnt stop bleeding. She stood up and jumped on her bed, she hid her leg from view.
Her youngest brother opened her door and he stopped. She left the bloody shirt on the floor. He looked at the blood stained material. She quickly drew his attention away. He asked what that was and she tried to stand. Her leg still bled but she couldnt let her brother know. He bent to pick it up but she knew she couldnt let him for the knife laid under that shirt. She held back the tears of pain and she walked before him. The blood gushed down her leg but the blanket hid the red from her brothers view. She asked what he wanted and he delivered his message. At last, he left the room. She closed the door and locked it. She leaned on the door and slid down the white wood. She tried to control her breath and she tried to calm her heart but she broke.
Her sobs escaped her voice. She let out all her silent tears with loud, moaning cries. What did she do?? She promised she wouldnt do it again!! But she couldnt stop herself! She couldnt help herself It was too powerful. The demon almost won, but she owes her family another one. Another attempt almost finished her. Another attempt almost succeeded. Another attempt shouldnt have happened. But who was to blame ?
She pressured her wound and soon the bleeding stopped. Her mother called her name. She stood and covered her renewed scar with some pants. She looked into the mirror and cooled her face with the incoming breeze. Her eyes cleared from their bloodshot home, and her face lightened again to the pale, creamy state. She wiped away her sweat and she combed back her hair. She took another deep breath. She tried to smile, and then she placed her glasses back on her face.
She looked into the mirror again and saw the sinful laugh in her eyes. The eyes are the windows to the soul. In her eyes, she saw her soul, she saw the laughing demon inside; she saw the scared, wounded girl. She smiled when she heard her family in the house. She looked into her eyes again. She saw the life long mutilation and torment but there is a light lingering there too. And that light saved her through many times of hardship and attempted suicide. That light is the end o f the demon; if only she could make that light stronger and if only she could learn to use it then maybe she will be free. Then maybe, shell be able to love and live without the chains on her wrists and legs. That is, only if she wants to. Does she? Her mother called her again. She looked at herself. She saw the answer before her. She looked down at the bloody knife. She sighed. I want to destroy the demon, but I am none other than my own enemy. How can I save myself from myself??
Sonya B.
September 9, 2003
And sorry, it is a bit long... just bare with me.
Another Attempt
Alone in the dark room, she takes one last glance at the sun, the bright, smiling star. Her eyes always held the shine of the sun, and this has always fooled everyone into thinking she was happy. How could this feeling overwhelm and at last take over her? How could she let it do this to her? She knew exactly how, she wanted it to finish. For years, for as long as she could remember, she has had that demon inside. With its blinding, ghostly voice, it took over when she felt all hope was lost. Her self-esteem was at an all time low.
She listened to the background. Her self portrait played in her stereo. The devils music was her home and heart. She listened to the strum of the guitar she felt her soul lighten the load on her back; she felt her heart slow to a constant beat. She closed her eyelids and looked into the darkness before her. Glows of light and ruby blood swirled in front of her eyes. She listened to the words of the song, I wish I died instead of lived Oh yes, she remembered the time before, her dead life. She tried before but always, she was too afraid and worried for others; she couldnt do it. Her savior, the one who she loved, was no longer here. She felt his faith in her slip away slowly. Sure, they talked but she couldnt feel the way she did before. Goosebumps waved over her skin and she felt a chill climb up her spine. She cant do it anymore, they were great together but time changes everything Oh, change is always never pleasing!! Every person was against their relationship but that was not the reason why she was here. She was here because of old demons, old problems, her ultimate old question
She looked into the sky again; gray clouds hovered low and were seizing the sun of his sky. She watched and witnessed the death of the light, the demise of her last ray of happiness. She sighed and fixed her sight onto the ground. The rain was coming. The lightening and thunder would rein once again. She closed her eyes tight and she felt the strain build. She squeezed harder and forced the pain to swim to her head. Finally she let go. The pain left a glowing trail in front of her opened eyes. The picture faded and for a moment, she was blind Oh, what a wonderful feeling that was. She felt the cool sensation ripple throughout her body and her heartbeat quickened. She faced the mirror in her cold room; the bed behind her was wet from the tears she cried moments before. She could still smell the sweet scent of him on her pillow. Another memory of joy she will not be able to cherish. The dim lighting of the sky flowed into her room and her pale skin illuminated the mirror. She took a deep breath and she slowly released. A smile tried to break through her lips but she fought and triumphantly won. She pressed her lips together as hard as she could. She let go and they tingled irritably with blood. Her lips streaked with a deep scarlet then she watched them fade into a reddish pink. Below her eyes, dark circles were tender and the tightened her skin. She touched her face and felt the newly made perfection of her features. She refused to smile yet again. Her dark brown eyes pierced her own as she stared at herself.
The music, now distant and distorted, blared behind her; she could only make out the tune, no words. The rage of the voice, the beat of the drum, the strum of the bass, and most of all, the soul of the guitar filled her ears, and ultimately her heart and soul. Music was the first male to conquer her heart. She stared into her own eyes. She strained and searched for the unseen purpose she knew she never had. She wanted to find her meaning; she wanted to know why she developed this demon inside. Why was she hiding from reality? How long has she been hiding? What was she hiding?? She looked down and her heartbeat raced as she realized the blade caressing her hand. More than ever, she wanted that caress to be from her boyfriend, but he was nowhere near He hasnt been around in so long She took another deep breath and eyed the shiny silver. She licked her lips with her cold tongue; she then bit her bottom lip with her teeth. She felt the shock of pain in her mouth but after the pinch, she felt the pleasure. She bit harder and blood began to drip from her dark red lip. The blood trickled down her chin and stained her pastel skin. She released her bite and she let herself enjoy the pain and pleasure twirl inside her. She learned to love the pain; she learned to turn it into pleasure. This was something she was never proud of but right now, she was glad for this ability.
She felt the blood spill out of her; she felt her soul seep through her cut. More and more, little by little, she felt the life being sucked out of her, and by her own hand. Was life so hard for her to result to the stupidest thing any mortal human can do? She did not know. She tried other things; the doctors have given her drugs endless drugs. Shes taken them all, but they all were only burying the pain deeper into her. Nothing killed the demon inside. Not even love. It still lingered, it was never destroyed. Oh God, she prays every night for God to take it away, but never has it left her. Then her love came along Love did leave overwhelming happiness but it could not destroy the demon; love left nothing but a false illusion. Why her? Why did she suffer?? Why was she given this burden?? Why?? She truly didnt know. She sank to the floor and the tears dribbled down her face. The crimson pain no longer bled but its path combined with her salty tears. The glass drops dripped on her skin and they busted into a pink splash. The cool breeze became an uncomfortable wind. She shivered and thought of her love. She closed her eyes and tried to keep the suicidal thoughts out of her head. But no, even the most warm and loving memories couldnt save her now. She was too deep in the pool, she couldnt escape. She leaned back on the floor and she gazed at the white crinkles of the ceiling. Her breath slowed and remained calm. She glanced away from the top and she rolled her head to her left. Then it caught her eye. She stayed lying in that position for what seemed like forever. She watched the light reflect off of the surface. She did not blink one moment. She swallowed her dry spit, and she felt her throat crack from the aridity. Finally, she absentmindedly picked up the weapon. She admired the smooth sides, the cool sensation of the surface, but most of all, the sharp, pointed tip.
The sleek tools handle was silver as well but nothing fascinated her as much as the blade itself. She remembered of the last time she picked it up, this same blade. It was a bit over a year ago. The long scar on her leg throbbed as she slid her fingertip over the aged edge. She couldnt help herself. It brought her so much pleasure and joy the last time. It has to do the same thing again! The pain inside, caused by the demon, was grasping her heart. She has to let the demon out, and the only way is through her open wounds. She lightly bit down on her lower lip and she squeezed the handle in her right hand. She took her left leg and saw the large, faint scar on the inside of her thigh, ending on the side of her knee. That part of her skin is so sensitive the knife will slice easier it will, believe me. She gasped. The cool blade held the coldness of the dry air surrounding her. Her dried tears petrified her face and she took a deep breath. The room was now silenced. The music no longer played, the sound of her breath remained frozen in time. Her heartbeat stopped as she slowly guided the blade along her skin gradually slicing the scar again. The blood began to leak through the tiny slit. She let go of her lip. She let go of her breath. Her heart pounded harder. The shock of the pain ran through her body. She squeezed the knife harder and tried to make the pain into pleasure.
After another grueling minute, she began to feel the joy. Just like allowing the ghostly voice of the guitar dance with your soul, she felt the spiritual and emotional bliss spread and forced the satisfied smile to broaden on her lips. She leaned back and her grasp let the knife fall to the floor. The silver perfection now was smeared with her wine-colored blood. The shock and ecstasy of the entire experience was what she craved. Now that it was done, she wanted more. She needed more. She picked up the blade again and with the bliss remaining in her colorless eyes, she observed the skin on her left wrist. So light and so gentle, she thought. She felt the urge to slice the blue vein; she wanted to sever the life of the demon. She needed to end it now! It was so clear to her now; the life of the demon will end only if she ends hers as well. The crazed idea soaked through and she knew what she had to do. Nothing will stop her now But then, she heard a noise in the other side of the house. A door had slammed. Her lost sense now began to take over. She gasped as she studied her situation. What had she done? What had she done?? She felt tears stream now because the pain no longer was pleasure. She lost the steady flow of the dream and she was pulled back into the harsh waves of reality. She grabbed a shirt from her drawer as she heard someone approaching her door. Her heart pounded harder as she covered and pressed down on the cut. The pain fueled the tears and she couldnt stop bleeding. She stood up and jumped on her bed, she hid her leg from view.
Her youngest brother opened her door and he stopped. She left the bloody shirt on the floor. He looked at the blood stained material. She quickly drew his attention away. He asked what that was and she tried to stand. Her leg still bled but she couldnt let her brother know. He bent to pick it up but she knew she couldnt let him for the knife laid under that shirt. She held back the tears of pain and she walked before him. The blood gushed down her leg but the blanket hid the red from her brothers view. She asked what he wanted and he delivered his message. At last, he left the room. She closed the door and locked it. She leaned on the door and slid down the white wood. She tried to control her breath and she tried to calm her heart but she broke.
Her sobs escaped her voice. She let out all her silent tears with loud, moaning cries. What did she do?? She promised she wouldnt do it again!! But she couldnt stop herself! She couldnt help herself It was too powerful. The demon almost won, but she owes her family another one. Another attempt almost finished her. Another attempt almost succeeded. Another attempt shouldnt have happened. But who was to blame ?
She pressured her wound and soon the bleeding stopped. Her mother called her name. She stood and covered her renewed scar with some pants. She looked into the mirror and cooled her face with the incoming breeze. Her eyes cleared from their bloodshot home, and her face lightened again to the pale, creamy state. She wiped away her sweat and she combed back her hair. She took another deep breath. She tried to smile, and then she placed her glasses back on her face.
She looked into the mirror again and saw the sinful laugh in her eyes. The eyes are the windows to the soul. In her eyes, she saw her soul, she saw the laughing demon inside; she saw the scared, wounded girl. She smiled when she heard her family in the house. She looked into her eyes again. She saw the life long mutilation and torment but there is a light lingering there too. And that light saved her through many times of hardship and attempted suicide. That light is the end o f the demon; if only she could make that light stronger and if only she could learn to use it then maybe she will be free. Then maybe, shell be able to love and live without the chains on her wrists and legs. That is, only if she wants to. Does she? Her mother called her again. She looked at herself. She saw the answer before her. She looked down at the bloody knife. She sighed. I want to destroy the demon, but I am none other than my own enemy. How can I save myself from myself??
Sonya B.
September 9, 2003
