I keep messing up

[Job405]

So I was having doubts about my salvation and whether or not the Holy Spirit is still with me. He used to stop me from making bad thoughts, like if I was about to think "I hate x" He would stop me at "I hate".

But now I was feeling insecure and I was testing if he is still there by thinking "Screw the x" and I thought the whole thought as He did not stop me.

This is pretty bad, right? Is it over for me now?

I still

• love God
• want to spread the gospel
• want to avoid sin and live holy
• feel worried about my salvation and whether or not I committed the unforgivable sin
• can speak in tongues

But I also

• feel emotionally numb
• being tormented by demons injecting blasphemous thoughts among other things
• don't sin that much so I don't know if I am being convicted of sin, although I feel the need to repent for just about every bad thought but that could just be my neuroticism

 

[TexFire316]

Go back to basics. Just you and the Father.
The things of men (and the church) causes extreme confusion.
Talk to the Father, wait for an answer.

 

[Mari17]

So I was having doubts about my salvation and whether or not the Holy Spirit is still with me. He used to stop me from making bad thoughts, like if I was about to think "I hate x" He would stop me at "I hate".

But now I was feeling insecure and I was testing if he is still there by thinking "Screw the x" and I thought the whole thought as He did not stop me.

This is pretty bad, right? Is it over for me now?

I still

• love God
• want to spread the gospel
• want to avoid sin and live holy
• feel worried about my salvation and whether or not I committed the unforgivable sin
• can speak in tongues

But I also

• feel emotionally numb
• being tormented by demons injecting blasphemous thoughts among other things
• don't sin that much so I don't know if I am being convicted of sin, although I feel the need to repent for just about every bad thought but that could just be my neuroticism

What you did sounds like a checking compulsion, which is very typical with OCD.

It sounds like it would be helpful for you to work on treating the OCD. If you're not sure how to get started, I'd be happy to provide some tips.