I just want to be a good man

[TheManWhoSinned]

Hi all!

My name is Angel. I am suffering from scrupulosity(OCD). I constantly have obsessions about religion. The most disturbing is my doubt. I sometimes have doubts about God’s existence. I don’t want them because they make me feel terrible. I still believe in God despite them. Whatever happens with me deep in my heart I always believe. My therapist described my situation as a cognitive dissonance - I believe in evolution and most science stuff… (I study medicine) there is undeniable evidence of evolution. However science is just a method of exploring the principles of the material world. It cannot give morals nor some sort of objective meaning to all. This nihilism in science is insane. Man can perhaps find what to occupy himself with while in this world but ultimately we cannot invent our morals. Surely, we have consciousness and all but some people can ignore it. Others have no consciousness at all. Psychopaths I am talking about. There are also those people who are simply against anything be it the church or another institution. Man is an unreliable source of moral and order. I am very confused.


I am constantly tormented by some thoughts… Sometimes I freak out because I get a thought that after some time most people will be atheists and the only “faithful” people will be some anti-intellectual cult-like zealots. Now I don’t mean to offend anybody with that but this is just my thought and I share it with you. Most of my thoughts are concerned about the future of mankind. Now it said in the bible that after the Rapture there will be a thousand-year-peace and then there will be the kingdom of God. This really gives me hope but other people consider the future in terms of colonising other planets. Advances in science etc. Now I don’t think this is necessarily bad but what do we do with all of that? God gave us free will which means we can use this for good or for destruction and havoc. It also pains me that the people who envision all of this are atheists - Bill Gates, Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg etc. They are not good people, make no mistake about it. My father used to say that one should not trust anyone whose god is money.


I really struggle with my doubts that all of this is an illusion. It is true that there is no actual proof of that but the fear persists.

I just want to be a good person, that’s all.

 

[Ligurian]

Hi all!

My name is Angel. I am suffering from scrupulosity(OCD). I constantly have obsessions about religion. The most disturbing is my doubt. I sometimes have doubts about God’s existence. I don’t want them because they make me feel terrible. I still believe in God despite them. Whatever happens with me deep in my heart I always believe. My therapist described my situation as a cognitive dissonance - I believe in evolution and most science stuff… (I study medicine) there is undeniable evidence of evolution. However science is just a method of exploring the principles of the material world. It cannot give morals nor some sort of objective meaning to all. This nihilism in science is insane. Man can perhaps find what to occupy himself with while in this world but ultimately we cannot invent our morals. Surely, we have consciousness and all but some people can ignore it. Others have no consciousness at all. Psychopaths I am talking about. There are also those people who are simply against anything be it the church or another institution. Man is an unreliable source of moral and order. I am very confused.
[...]
Now it said in the bible that after the Rapture there will be a thousand-year-peace and then there will be the kingdom of God.[...]

Hi, Angel. I can totally relate to your obsession with religion. It used to be that Philosophy was used to define that which is God, instead of Science. And some religious-people considered the Philosophists to be non-religious because they called the God they could not name the unknown God. It's not that they didn't know Him... they just didn't know His name. Well, that's me. What I knew about God, I learned when I noticed the order of the tiny insects on their little plants, and each tiny insect had it's own food... I always knew that something not human created this order in the world. But I never knew His name until I started studying only Matthew... and then I learned John... and the Revelation... and the Prophets that match these three. And all of the connections between them have stilled my heart and calmed my mind.
So now I wish this for you.

 

[Tolworth John]

I constantly have obsessions about religion. The most disturbing is my doubt. I sometimes have doubts about God’s existence.

Welcome to the forum.

May I reasure you that there is nothing wrong with having doubts or questions about your faith or about what you believe, so long as you are also seeking answers.
Christianity is an intellectual faith, it is based on historical fact, it is reasonable and we are suposed to be able to give a reason for what and why we believe.

You say that you suffer from OCD, may I suggest that you read the web site:-
25 tips for succesfuly treating your OCD and in particular point 4 dealing with intrusive thoughts.

Other sites that you may find helpful are Reasonablefaith, wintery knight and coldcasechristianity, they are sites that deal with whether Christianity is rational and reasonable.

 

[TheManWhoSinned]

Thank you for your responses and thank you for your suggestions. I only discovered I have OCD a week ago and before that I was desperate because I thought I was going mad. Such a relief to know what the problem is. Also, I discovered this forum some days ago. Such a relief to know there are more good faithful people out there. Unfortunately, this knowledge is also a reassurance which I have to avoid in my condition? I am starting a therapy as of tomorrow. I just have one question to you. As I mentioned one of my obsessions was about doubt. According to the info I read in ERP you have to agree with your thoughts to beat them. How am I to agree with such blasphemy? I don’t think that’s a sin in and of itself but it’s definitely a lie.

 

[TheManWhoSinned]

Also I read that reassurance and certainty are one of the main things about OCD. In this case it is a reassurance in God’s existence. Now as I said I do believe in God but I feel my faith is weak because I crave reassurance. How am I to go about this? Nobody has seen God? I can really tell that He has helped me in numerous occasions but I have the feeling that I somehow dismiss this fact. In university I often communicate with unbelievers and sometimes they make me feel very uncomfortable. Sometimes I get asked if I believe in God to which I reply that this is a personal topic and I don’t disclose it to anyone. I am not ashamed of admitting my belief, I just feel insecure about it. I don’t feel prepared for arguments and defending my faith.

 

[Mari17]

Thank you for your responses and thank you for your suggestions. I only discovered I have OCD a week ago and before that I was desperate because I thought I was going mad. Such a relief to know what the problem is. Also, I discovered this forum some days ago. Such a relief to know there are more good faithful people out there. Unfortunately, this knowledge is also a reassurance which I have to avoid in my condition? I am starting a therapy as of tomorrow. I just have one question to you. As I mentioned one of my obsessions was about doubt. According to the info I read in ERP you have to agree with your thoughts to beat them. How am I to agree with such blasphemy? I don’t think that’s a sin in and of itself but it’s definitely a lie.

Hello! Good for you, for getting treatment for your OCD! ERP is considered to be very effective for treating OCD. And you're right, reassurance can be harmful for OCD. I do not agree with some people who say that you must do wrong things in ERP. I think you can find a balance. You might have to go against your OCD, and that might feel wrong, but you don't have to go against your true conscience. For example, perhaps you could do an imaginal exposure - "WHAT IF I doubted God and turned away from Him because of my doubts?" Then you could work on facing the anxiety that comes with that imaginal exposure. But I don't think you have to actually agree with your doubts, or do anything that your true conscience thinks is wrong.

Also, regarding doubts, I think it's natural and OK to have questions and doubts. I think the important thing is to bring our doubts to God, and to be honest with Him about them. I think that as we grapple with our questions and doubts, our faith can be come stronger. And having questions and doubts means we are authentic and human. I think pretending that we don't have doubts is perhaps actually a form of dishonesty?

If you would like more information about OCD/scrupulosity, I recommend these sites:
OCD & CHRISTIANITY – CHRISTIANITY
OCD and Scrupulosity – ACCFS
Scrupulosity.com: Faith-based Solutions for Religious OCD - Scrupulosity.com
Also, this is a good Facebook support group for people with OCD: Christianity and Anxiety Disorders - Let's Talk | Facebook

 

[Iaras]

Hi all!

My name is Angel. I am suffering from scrupulosity(OCD). I constantly have obsessions about religion. The most disturbing is my doubt. I sometimes have doubts about God’s existence. I don’t want them because they make me feel terrible. I still believe in God despite them. Whatever happens with me deep in my heart I always believe. My therapist described my situation as a cognitive dissonance - I believe in evolution and most science stuff… (I study medicine) there is undeniable evidence of evolution. However science is just a method of exploring the principles of the material world. It cannot give morals nor some sort of objective meaning to all. This nihilism in science is insane. Man can perhaps find what to occupy himself with while in this world but ultimately we cannot invent our morals. Surely, we have consciousness and all but some people can ignore it. Others have no consciousness at all. Psychopaths I am talking about. There are also those people who are simply against anything be it the church or another institution. Man is an unreliable source of moral and order. I am very confused.


I am constantly tormented by some thoughts… Sometimes I freak out because I get a thought that after some time most people will be atheists and the only “faithful” people will be some anti-intellectual cult-like zealots. Now I don’t mean to offend anybody with that but this is just my thought and I share it with you. Most of my thoughts are concerned about the future of mankind. Now it said in the bible that after the Rapture there will be a thousand-year-peace and then there will be the kingdom of God. This really gives me hope but other people consider the future in terms of colonising other planets. Advances in science etc. Now I don’t think this is necessarily bad but what do we do with all of that? God gave us free will which means we can use this for good or for destruction and havoc. It also pains me that the people who envision all of this are atheists - Bill Gates, Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg etc. They are not good people, make no mistake about it. My father used to say that one should not trust anyone whose god is money.


I really struggle with my doubts that all of this is an illusion. It is true that there is no actual proof of that but the fear persists.

I just want to be a good person, that’s all.

HEY HOW ARE YOU NOW? DID YOU OVERCOME THIS PROBLEM?
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS IM IN THE SAME SITUATION AS YOU ARE.......HOPEFULLY WE CAN TALK

 

[Mari17]

HEY HOW ARE YOU NOW? DID YOU OVERCOME THIS PROBLEM?
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS IM IN THE SAME SITUATION AS YOU ARE.......HOPEFULLY WE CAN TALK

Thank you for sharing your struggle, Iaras. OCD and scrupulosity are so difficult! What are some of the doubts and fears you are struggling with?

 

[Iaras]

Thank you for sharing your struggle, Iaras. OCD and scrupulosity are so difficult! What are some of the doubts and fears you are struggling with?

I HAVE POSTED THIS LAST TIME HERE THE WHOLE STORY BUT I WANT TO SHARE SOME OF THEM THOSE OUM THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS THAT I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY ALL OF THIS ARE IN ME... SO FIRST ITS ABOUT UNPARDONABLE SIN I WAS TOTALLY TERRIFIED ABOUT THAT UNTIL IT COMES OCD OR SCRUPULOSITY AND BATTLING WITH INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS THAT ACTUALLY THE MOST PART OF IT RIGHT? AND IM AFRAID OF MYSELF BECAUSE OF HUNDRED'S OF "WHAT IF" IN MY HEAD LIKE "WHAT IF I LOST MY FAITH OR WHAT IF I GOTO HELL BECAUSE OF IT OR WHAT IF I DIE AND NOMORE CHANCE TO REPENT AND SEEK GOD OR WHAT IF AND ALL OF THIS I FEAR THIS IS SOME OF THE PART OF MY STORY I HAVE SO LONG BUT I SAY I WOULD TELL SOME OF THEM SO I SUFFERED THIS FOR 3MONTHS AND SO ON.... BUT YOU KNOW ALL OF THIS I DONT FEAR A LOT RIGHTNOW BECAUSE THE ONLY ONE I FEARED SO MUCH IS MY UNBELIEF THIS IS SO RIDICULOUS I KID YOU NOT ALL OF MY LIFE I KNOW GOD IS REAL I DONT EVEN THINK IF HE IS REAL OR NOT I DONT EVEN ASK I DIDN'T DO ALL OF THIS DOUBTFUL AND UNBELIEF THINKING BUT NOW I SEE MYSELF DOUBTED ABOUT GOD'S EXISTENCE THAT'S WHY I HATE MYSELF I HATE ATHEISM I RAISE MY VOICE AND SPEAK THE TRUTH TO ALL PEOPLE AROUND ME SO IM TOTALLY DESPERATE AND SPIRITUAL LIFE IS RUINED I DONT KNOW WHATS GOING ON ...

IM BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN (ENDTIMES)
I WAS BORN AGAIN LASTYEAR (2021)
I RECEIVE THE HOLYSPIRIT......OUM BEFORE THIS SCRUPULOSITY HAPPENS MY SPIRITUAL EARS WAS OPEN I HEARD SOUNDS OF TRUMPETS I THINK IT IS A WARNING FOR ME THAT SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN BAD IN SPIRITUAL REALM........

 

[Mari17]

I HAVE POSTED THIS LAST TIME HERE THE WHOLE STORY BUT I WANT TO SHARE SOME OF THEM THOSE OUM THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS THAT I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY ALL OF THIS ARE IN ME... SO FIRST ITS ABOUT UNPARDONABLE SIN I WAS TOTALLY TERRIFIED ABOUT THAT UNTIL IT COMES OCD OR SCRUPULOSITY AND BATTLING WITH INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS THAT ACTUALLY THE MOST PART OF IT RIGHT? AND IM AFRAID OF MYSELF BECAUSE OF HUNDRED'S OF "WHAT IF" IN MY HEAD LIKE "WHAT IF I LOST MY FAITH OR WHAT IF I GOTO HELL BECAUSE OF IT OR WHAT IF I DIE AND NOMORE CHANCE TO REPENT AND SEEK GOD OR WHAT IF AND ALL OF THIS I FEAR THIS IS SOME OF THE PART OF MY STORY I HAVE SO LONG BUT I SAY I WOULD TELL SOME OF THEM SO I SUFFERED THIS FOR 3MONTHS AND SO ON.... BUT YOU KNOW ALL OF THIS I DONT FEAR A LOT RIGHTNOW BECAUSE THE ONLY ONE I FEARED SO MUCH IS MY UNBELIEF THIS IS SO RIDICULOUS I KID YOU NOT ALL OF MY LIFE I KNOW GOD IS REAL I DONT EVEN THINK IF HE IS REAL OR NOT I DONT EVEN ASK I DIDN'T DO ALL OF THIS DOUBTFUL AND UNBELIEF THINKING BUT NOW I SEE MYSELF DOUBTED ABOUT GOD'S EXISTENCE THAT'S WHY I HATE MYSELF I HATE ATHEISM I RAISE MY VOICE AND SPEAK THE TRUTH TO ALL PEOPLE AROUND ME SO IM TOTALLY DESPERATE AND SPIRITUAL LIFE IS RUINED I DONT KNOW WHATS GOING ON ...

IM BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN (ENDTIMES)
I WAS BORN AGAIN LASTYEAR (2021)
I RECEIVE THE HOLYSPIRIT......OUM BEFORE THIS SCRUPULOSITY HAPPENS MY SPIRITUAL EARS WAS OPEN I HEARD SOUNDS OF TRUMPETS I THINK IT IS A WARNING FOR ME THAT SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN BAD IN SPIRITUAL REALM........

Fear of committing the unpardonable sin is very common for Christians with OCD. Thankfully, just because we think or feel something does not mean that it's true. And having intrusive thoughts does not mean that we are bad, or that we want the thoughts. Do you have OCD therapists in your country, or anyone who can help you work on your OCD/scrupulosity?

 

[Iaras]

Fear of committing the unpardonable sin is very common for Christians with OCD. Thankfully, just because we think or feel something does not mean that it's true. And having intrusive thoughts does not mean that we are bad, or that we want the thoughts. Do you have OCD therapists in your country, or anyone who can help you work on your OCD/scrupulosity?

IM FAR IN THE CITY WHEREIN THEY ARE THERAPIST AND MY OCD IS NOT SO BAD BEFORE I AM DONE ABOUT UNPARDONABLE SIN I AM DONE FROM EVERYTHING BUT WHEN IM DONE FROM IT.. IT CHANGE WITH VERY STRANGE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS I FEEL TRAP ALL THE TIME LIKE I AM A TWO PERSON IN THE ONE BODY SOUNDS LIKE WIERD BUT IT IS TRUE MY ONLY PROBLEM RIGHTNOW IS NOT MY PROBLEM AT ALL BUT I DONT KNOW I AM FACING THIS STUPID THING I DONT KNOW WHY?I HATE FACING THIS WHICH SHOULD NOT BE A PROBLEM ANYMORE IT IS HAPPEN WHILE IM MEMORIZING VERSE SUDDENLY I FELT SOMETHING GOES INTO MY HEART I FEEL SOMETHING CONVINCING ME NOT TO BELIEVE GOD I DISCERN SOMETHING HAPPEN IN MY HEART AND BECAUSE OF IT I BLAME MY SELF WHY I DONT GUARD MY HEART WHY IS IT HAPPENING AFTERALL IM LIKE THOS UNBELIEVERS THAT CANNOT BE .......

 

[Mari17]

IM FAR IN THE CITY WHEREIN THEY ARE THERAPIST AND MY OCD IS NOT SO BAD BEFORE I AM DONE ABOUT UNPARDONABLE SIN I AM DONE FROM EVERYTHING BUT WHEN IM DONE FROM IT.. IT CHANGE WITH VERY STRANGE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS I FEEL TRAP ALL THE TIME LIKE I AM A TWO PERSON IN THE ONE BODY SOUNDS LIKE WIERD BUT IT IS TRUE MY ONLY PROBLEM RIGHTNOW IS NOT MY PROBLEM AT ALL BUT I DONT KNOW I AM FACING THIS STUPID THING I DONT KNOW WHY?I HATE FACING THIS WHICH SHOULD NOT BE A PROBLEM ANYMORE IT IS HAPPEN WHILE IM MEMORIZING VERSE SUDDENLY I FELT SOMETHING GOES INTO MY HEART I FEEL SOMETHING CONVINCING ME NOT TO BELIEVE GOD I DISCERN SOMETHING HAPPEN IN MY HEART AND BECAUSE OF IT I BLAME MY SELF WHY I DONT GUARD MY HEART WHY IS IT HAPPENING AFTERALL IM LIKE THOS UNBELIEVERS THAT CANNOT BE .......

That is a difficult thing to deal with! Our minds can be so tricky. But, even if you feel something bad, that does not matter. You can still choose to follow God even if you have bad thoughts or feelings. Sometimes our brains do strange things, but having bad thoughts or feelings does not mean that we are bad. Our feelings can feel very real and convincing, so it's hard to ignore them. But it's OK to ignore them, and to choose to live our lives the way we think we should.

 

[Iaras]

That is a difficult thing to deal with! Our minds can be so tricky. But, even if you feel something bad, that does not matter. You can still choose to follow God even if you have bad thoughts or feelings. Sometimes our brains do strange things, but having bad thoughts or feelings does not mean that we are bad. Our feelings can feel very real and convincing, so it's hard to ignore them. But it's OK to ignore them, and to choose to live our lives the way we think we should.

I FEEL SO DRAINED BECAUSE I'M TOO FAR FROM MY SPIRITUAL PARENT'S AND I CANNOT SERIOUSLY SEEK GOD IN THE PLACE WHERE I LIVED RIGHTNOW ....PEOPLE AROUND ME IS UNBELIEVERS THEY ALWAYS AGAINST ME AND MY PRAYER IS NOT A SERIOUS PRAYER AT ALL IM A PERSON FULL OF FEAR DURING MY OCD BUT I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY DOES FEAR'S GONE AND I DONT FEEL CONVICTION ANYMORE I DONT KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON ...ON ME
I STILL WONDERING IF GOD WILL FORGIVE ME AFTER ALL
I NEED HIS MERCY AND GRACE THIS IS MY ONLY HOPE

 

[Mari17]

I FEEL SO DRAINED BECAUSE I'M TOO FAR FROM MY SPIRITUAL PARENT'S AND I CANNOT SERIOUSLY SEEK GOD IN THE PLACE WHERE I LIVED RIGHTNOW ....PEOPLE AROUND ME IS UNBELIEVERS THEY ALWAYS AGAINST ME AND MY PRAYER IS NOT A SERIOUS PRAYER AT ALL IM A PERSON FULL OF FEAR DURING MY OCD BUT I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY DOES FEAR'S GONE AND I DONT FEEL CONVICTION ANYMORE I DONT KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON ...ON ME
I STILL WONDERING IF GOD WILL FORGIVE ME AFTER ALL
I NEED HIS MERCY AND GRACE THIS IS MY ONLY HOPE

That's very hard, to not have the support of those around you. I'm sorry to hear that. I think sometimes OCD makes us afraid that if we don't have anxiety or fear, then we don't care about God. But our feelings come and go. It's OK even if we don't feel anything. We can still choose to follow God even if we don't have the feelings that we want to have.

If you want to be part of an online support group, this is a good one that I'm a part of: Christianity and Anxiety Disorders - Let's Talk | Facebook. It's a private group, so people on your regular Facebook can't see that you're a part of it.

 

[SarahsKnight]

STILL WONDERING IF GOD WILL FORGIVE ME AFTER ALL
I NEED HIS MERCY AND GRACE THIS IS MY ONLY HOPE

You're right. The Lord is your only hope. And mine. And Miss Mari17's.

.... So cling to that, then, against all odds and fears. Cling to Jesus and refuse to see anyone or anything else as your only hope. It's hard for you right now, Iaras, to say the least. I know it must be. But you just said it yourself, sir, in the above quoted post: His mercy and grace is your only hope. So you just keep believing in that, even if quirks of your mind and/or emotions may seem like they are screaming at you not to. You wonder if God will forgive you; well, it seems to me like you are seeking forgiveness pretty desperately. And what did Jesus Himself say in the gospels? Ask, and you shall receive.