I just don't know what to do anymore/suicidal

[eli88]

Hello everyone! I am a full time university student. Studying with depression/anxiety is hard by itself. I have barely any energy left to do anything beyond go to school. If I don't sleep at least 10 hours I feel down. I think my depression is caused by physical reasons as it started way back in my teens after being a happy child. I tried sport and all kinds of supplements, but only St John's Wort helped me, combined with 5htp and a tricyclic antidepressant. Suddenly I was back to my old self again - positive, optimistic, loving everyone, bubbly. However, that combo cased me to have serotonin syndrome and I quit taking those.

I prayed hard for this new year to be anxiety and depression free for me and it was until the middle of last week when I had a breakdown and since then I am constantly crying, walking down the streets like a shadow. I even started thinking about overdosing on the SSRI antidepressant I have to end the suffering. Being alone all the time doesn't help, people at university ignore me and make me feel invisible. I don't know how I discovered this forum and why I am sharing this, I guess I need some prayers as my prayers are unheard. I really want to graduate and get a diploma from uni, but it's hard to study with this issue. Some days even the sounds of people talking or cars make me panic.

I really miss having close friends, but right now the people I used to go out with couldn't even bother with my problems and I have to deal with that alone. Somehow being alone and lonely seems to be my destiny as I cannot find that person to confide in. If only I could find that one person, I don't need or want dozens of friends, just one good one would suffice. But people avoid me.

Blessings!

 

[Tempura]

How long has it been since you quit your meds? Sometimes it can take a while to recover from quitting them, especially if you got serotonin syndrome.

Anyway, try not to be too scared of what is happening. Of course it's easy to say, but it's possible to get into the state of mind where you dissociate yourself from your illness. It's like taking a step out of what you feel, and recognizing different symptoms and patterns. Like you're being an observer. You already probably do this, even when you're not aware of it. In time, you will only get better at it, and you will be more able to put some distance between your illness and yourself. I believe this to be especially important when having suicidal thoughts.

I hope you are being treated. If not, try to get some help. Therapy is nearly always good, even when it doesn't seem to do anything. And if your situation becomes worse, you might want to consult a doctor about possibly trying to start a low dosage of anti-depressants again, carefully of course since what happened to you.

I know loneliness can be very discomforting, especially when dealing with depression. It's like it gets more power from it, and every bad thing becomes so much worse. In time you will meet people, and they will meet you. I know it seems different; you might even think that there's some magical barrier around you that disables real human contact and you are doomed to be that way, but it's not like that. People draw to each other in many different ways and reasons, and we can't always even control how it happens. So don't worry about what you can't control, just be yourself. It might even be you one day who approaches someone who is very lonely and doesn't know what to do. You'll never know. But yes, I understand that loneliness can take its toll and when you're young, you tend to be more afraid, thinking "is this it"?

Please don't do anything bad to yourself. Don't OD on anything, don't hurt yourself. I know those thoughts sneak up on us, since I dealt with it too. And even if I didn't, I've known many who did, including those who acted upon their thoughts. Instead, get any help you can, and put your fears, hopes and honest prayers in front of Christ. Your prayers don't go unheard. When I was at my lowest, I thought my prayers were unanswered and unheard. I wanted a quick fix, and I didn't realize how I was carried through the worst. It took its time for me, and now I know that if it didn't, I wouldn't have learned anything. Not to say that illnesses are God's toys just to teach us lessons - because I don't believe God to be a mindless torturer - but in my case, I can look back and understand. During those many years of anguish I also met people I wouldn't have met otherwise. I love some of them dearly.

This also sounds like a platitude, and it's also easy to say - but you will learn patience. Because you are forced to. From one moment of despair to another, you will know that you survived, and you will have learned a lot. While we get easily anxious, especially when dealing with an illness, loneliness, you name it - God can turn bad things into good things. One thing about patience, sometimes we need it with our prayers. The answer isn't always a simple "yes" or "no", it could also be "wait". I know it's hard to wait, but it becomes easier.

God wants us to reach out to Him. You have done this, and please continue to do this. Not that He would abandon you, because He won't, but because of your happiness. The more we do it, the more we humble ourselves before Him. And the more we humble ourselves before Him, the more we start to understand the hope and love that is in Christ. And the more we understand it and continue hoping, the better we will feel. In time.

Another thing about suffering and struggling: I have needed people in my life who have been through very tough times. They lived through them, and they survived, and they comforted me with my own struggles. I needed those examples. One day, you might be that example to someone else. And you might not even know about it, but they will. God will too.

Said a prayer for you. Hoping for comfort, love and guidance to come your way. You are just as important as anyone else. Don't give up. Sometimes we just have to endure, sometimes we need to break to be stronger again. God bless you, brother.

I'll share a couple of my favorite quotes from Matthew:

----------------

“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

Here, Jesus not only tells us about God's grace, but also that He recognizes our struggles. God knows we have them. He knows you too, even better than you know yourself!

------------------

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

This is my favorite. It tells us to put our faith in Christ. He will not burden us.

 

[eli88]

Thank you very much! Be blessed!
I cannot use antidepressants. They are dangerous and I got intestinal bleeding on them. I am currently taking St John's wort, but it doesn't seem to help and I cannot stand the dietary restrictions. I think only SAM-e helped, but at higher dosage and different brand than the one I have now. I just wish I was going through this with the help of someone, like a friend or girlfriend. I am here, studying abroad, hundreds of miles away from family. For some reason the people I meet are inconsiderate and not very friendly.

 

[Tempura]

Alright, of course you know better. Still, new meds come around all the time, and who knows - some doctor may be very experienced in cases like yours, and might have come up with new solutions. If it comes to it. In any case, I won't push anything on you, and instead wish best of luck to what you're doing. I managed to quit depression meds a couple weeks ago. I still feel a little our of touch, a little fuzzy in the head and sometimes very overemotional. Might take some time to fully get used to being without those meds. Still taking benzos for the anxiety, but lowering their doses as well. Slowly, because I'm addicted to them and have been for years.

I know what you're saying. Many of us need a close friend and/or a companion. You'll get there. It seems like the whole world is inconsiderate and cold, doesn't it? It just makes the friendly people that much more precious. Many of the kindest ones also feel like they're being shut out. I can't help but feel for them.

It takes some courage to go stay abroad, away from your family, so at least take some healthy pride in that.

 

[RuthD]

Hi, I'm sorry you are struggling so. I have been through many changes with antidepressants. I was taking one for sleep that I didn't realize for quite awhile was making me more depressed. This went on for years before I realized it. I know what it feels like to feel alone, with nobody, no friends, I really don't have any offline. I have managed to make a few online and that helps. If you want to talk to me personally please pm me. I am offering friendship to you and a nonjudgemental ear to listen. I have been suicidal many times and realize it doesn't have to be that way now. There is hope for us all. There really is. Part of feeling better is to change our negative thoughts about our selves to positive affirmations for ourselves. I know when our chemistry is not right this is very hard to do but hang on to hope, there is plenty for you.

 

[VirtualHope]

I hear what you are saying and you are not alone in how you feel. I am a Christian too and sometimes it can feel as though you are the only one experiencing "life in the pit." For some, it may be depression, anxiety or loneliness and for others, it could be something else. Even Jesus felt alone at times and He understands exactly what you are going through.

But self-harm or suicide is never His will for us. Do you belong to a local church? You might check to see if they have a teens/young adult support or life activity group? Being alone is certainly not God's plan for your life. He wants more than ever for His children to experience great joy and peace and live a life that is fulfilling and brings honor to Him!

It would be great if you could finish your undergraduate degree. I hope you will stay encouraged and on track with all that the Lord has planned for your life. I believe you have many wonderful gifts to share with the world that will be a blessing to others.

I strongly urge to continue seeking professional medical advice so that your health and medications can be closely monitored. I'll be praying for support in every area of your life, especially in the area of your physical and mental health. May the Lord continue to bless you and meet every need, according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus!

 

[Tiny Bible]

There is a program that airs daily throughout the week on Christian radio stations. Ask The Pharmacist, with Joe Dimatteo. This link to his web page has the pharmaceutical grade supplements he recommends for Depression. There is also blog articles to look over concerning the symptoms and causes.

He has a call in window on his show as well. And there is a broadcast archive link at that site. You can keyword and probably find his broadcasts that concerned callers with depression asking his advice. And you can Contact him as well.

I hope that is helpful . God bless. Holding you in prayer.

 

[Sevensong]

I'm a full-time college senior, and I'm in a similar boat. I'm glad you said that about psych drugs. I've had similar problems with them, and know the research shows a lot of dangers.

I was never a happy child, though; childhood was hellish, and that's how all this started for me. I wish I had advice, but I don't know what to do myself. I am in so. much. pain. I don't know what to do with it, and I really have a hard time with people, so I don't even know where to begin trying to reach out of my isolation to find support.

But I don't want to hijack your thread. Praying for you.

 

[Tempura]

But I don't want to hijack your thread. Praying for you.

Said a prayer for you too.

I hope you can muster enough energy and courage to get help and treatment. It doesn't always have to be just meds. Even "just" therapy is good. Give all your pain to Christ, as much as you can.

I was in so much pain too. I had to beat my chest and stomach and cry like a maniac, the pain started to hurt even physically. I thought I was forced to kill myself. I broke down and prayed when I was close. Then I just endured for years. God carried me over the worst. It feels like a dream now. Back then, I would laugh at this "God carrying" statement. I know it now.

 

[Extraneous]

Sometimes all i can do is let God carry me. I think of that old song, leaning on the everlasting arms. Im nothing Like David, and surely he is better than i am, and his love much deeper, but his words seem like a blessing and im glad to read them.

Psalm 42:1 As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, my God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

4 These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
under the protection of the Mighty One[d]
with shouts of joy and praise
among the festive throng.

5 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
6 My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
7 Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.
8 By day the Lord directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.
9 I say to God my Rock,
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?”
10 My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
11 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

 

[Jeshu]

I like to share a prose I wrote to express the reality of my suffering.

What Can I Say About Suffering

What can I say, about what have I learned from our Heavenly Father? I can see now that evil lies cause pain to be alive within human existence. I have watched how isolation, forces lies down into suffering souls - as The Wicked cut all ties with truthful love and our crushing depression generate its own misery in our agonising hell down there. I know that in the Pit all lies end up - dragging us down living dead. Yet why would I continue to let bad life be dominant in my inner world of awareness and not God's loving truth to rule my every moment?

I have learned that creeds, values and morals are rules upon rules ruling. Still wicked lies spread like maggots through my flesh, killing all goodness within me, because I'm imperfect! To just let it be and move on is best I learned about that. And so The Word of God spoken in love for God, self and neighbour, is The Voice to heed at all times.

I have experienced that time brings good and bad, up and down, far and wide for everyone. Yet the power of God's love, as even bad sin and great failings ruled me, couldn't subdue Jesus grace over me as His loving truth set me free to be myself - time and again.

I understand that anguish speaks to those experiencing life truly untrue and lovelessly - and that our Heavenly Father never wanted this to rule His kids. Indeed I know that my wretchedness longs for the demise of all my agony. So that misery may never rule my life again, no more Bad Life overshadowing my here and now, instead freedom for me. For in God's loving truth, even through much hurt, I can finally stay on top of things, my loveless lies to hand to Christ as God's Good Life grows within in Return.

I know now that loving truth is the only useful weapon against the forces of evil. Complete freedom for me if I heed God's love in truth to rule my daily life. So why would I foolishly keep letting malefic lies decide my future. Why not forgive, why leave truthful love? While I know that only God's good makes my life a worthwhile experience?

I have seen that life is genuinely worth living in honest loving togetherness. Where everyone who exists is esteemed because they are specially made. For our real value lays not in how much gain we can yield for others. But simply because all existence speaks of life's importance to be loved. The communion of Saints - true love loving people doing the loving - is very important therefore.

So I choose loving truthfulness to steer me through those terrible storms down here. For even through extraordinary agony and times of incredible much suffering. God's truth preserves my life. His loving goodness keeping me from falling. As I found that warm-heartedness is truly effective against the deadly chill of devil's breath.

 

[Extraneous]

I know now that loving truth is the only useful weapon against the forces of evil.

I have seen that life is genuinely worth living in honest loving togetherness.

Amen brother Jeshu. Let us hope in the Lord together. That is love i think. There is no greater hope that we can have than in Jesus, nor any greater work can be done. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and evidence of things unseen. Faith working by love.

 

[Sapiens]

Hello everyone! I am a full time university student. Studying with depression/anxiety is hard by itself. I have barely any energy left to do anything beyond go to school. If I don't sleep at least 10 hours I feel down. I think my depression is caused by physical reasons as it started way back in my teens after being a happy child. I tried sport and all kinds of supplements, but only St John's Wort helped me, combined with 5htp and a tricyclic antidepressant. Suddenly I was back to my old self again - positive, optimistic, loving everyone, bubbly. However, that combo cased me to have serotonin syndrome and I quit taking those.

I prayed hard for this new year to be anxiety and depression free for me and it was until the middle of last week when I had a breakdown and since then I am constantly crying, walking down the streets like a shadow. I even started thinking about overdosing on the SSRI antidepressant I have to end the suffering. Being alone all the time doesn't help, people at university ignore me and make me feel invisible. I don't know how I discovered this forum and why I am sharing this, I guess I need some prayers as my prayers are unheard. I really want to graduate and get a diploma from uni, but it's hard to study with this issue. Some days even the sounds of people talking or cars make me panic.

I really miss having close friends, but right now the people I used to go out with couldn't even bother with my problems and I have to deal with that alone. Somehow being alone and lonely seems to be my destiny as I cannot find that person to confide in. If only I could find that one person, I don't need or want dozens of friends, just one good one would suffice. But people avoid me.

Blessings!

As for friendship, be certain that there are other people like you, that want a deep meaningful friendship.

Don't lose hope!

One thing I am realizing is that I have to make an effort and go towards people if I want friends. I ve been very reserved and in my dark lonely bubble... Being a friend ourself helps a lot in making some!

Take care!

 

[felix ekemini]

Am so sorry dear friend.. i know taking antidepressant drugs helps but there is one most important thing you need to add to it. This is to accept Jesus christ as your Lord and saviour. You can pray to him but if you don't receive him wholeheartedly, it will seems like your prayers are unanswered. he said in his word "come unto me all ye that are of heavy laden and i will give you rest".. it is only Christ that can offer you the peace you seek and it lies in you accepting him into your life and he will come as the prince of peace into your life and give you an everlasting peace which no drugs, no friends, no therapist can give. Friends may fail you when you need them around but Jesus can't fail you.

Make up your mind to accept him and you will be amaze at the kind of peace you will have. All the things you use to be afraid of he will take them away. In Christ the is no sickness, anxiety, fear, loneliness. I believe u will say yes to him.
And i want to use this medium to pray for you." Every spirit of fear, anxiety, loneliness, i cast you out in the name of Jesus. Free that body because that body is the tempel of the living God and you have no right to be there, pack your load and leave in the mighty name of Jesus Amen"

Feel free to write to me..at felixekemini9@gmail.com. i look forward to hearing from you. Shalom.

 

[Locum7]

It can take time but, learn to allow Christ to be your closest friend. Keep talking to him, be completely open, honest, about anything snd everything on your heart and mind. Allow time in his word to learn to listen. I will pray you find some good friends, but with new people be honest but dont over burden people. Give time to just getting to know people and be careful not to see them as the answer to your problems, Christ is your answer. If you need meds in short term dont worry just dont overdose, keep talking to your doctor. Give yourself a break from self pressure. Uni is hard for many, try a few churches to see somewhere you can have good fellowship??