I have hodgkins lymphoma

[ChristianNewbie123]

Oh and praying!

 

[brinny]

Praying precious (((hug)))

 

[Jimmy P]

Can you call your Dr.? Maybe mention your eyesight to see if it's from the chemo or meds?

 

[anjelica]

I told them already about the eyesight but they said nothing. This has been the trouble right the way through. They just won't talk to us. The nurses won't. the specialist won't. the speioalist is meant to have a Review with me every so often but he does not do it. I don't know why. Sometimes they have told me that when I go for my bloods to be taken, he will see me and have a talk but when I get there he is always busy znd they tell me he is with patients and it is an emergency and so he doe not talk to me. I hate that hospital - no communication at all even if you ask for it.

 

[RuthD]

Good morning! I didn't sleep the day away today, in fact, I'm up pretty early. How are you feeling this morning? I am praying you feel better and better every day. Maybe you will feel so good that you won't have to deal with those hospital people any more. Do you have a choice where you can go for your care?

 

[anjelica]

Good morning Ruth. Good to see you. Well, I guess I do have a kind of choice, but all the other hospitals are a fair distance away and travelling would be very difficult as I rely on my brother to take me.

 

[anjelica]

I am finding that I am much much more depressed than I thought I would be at the end of chemo. I thought I would be jubilant and happy but I am not. I am finding that I just can't keep going mentally. Cancer is a mental battle as well as a physical one and I have used up all my mental strength. It was kind of ok whilst I was having chemo every two weeks. I kind of kept my strength going by getting over one chemo session and dealing with what came by, and concentrating on getting ok for the next chemo session. Now, I am in no mans land, and feeling grotty as well.

I don't know if anyone is reading this who has gone through this at the end of chemo. If so I would value your input.

I don't know how to deal with this. I confess that I am having terrible thoughts that I should not be having. Maybe each day will get better - I don't know. But each day I do not want to wake up and wish that God had taken me. I don't want to face this any more.

This is ridiculous because my cancer is normally amenable to treatment (not always but 80% of ppl are put into remission). I know that I have a good chance, but with the luck that I have had in life I feel doomed. I won't go into the sorry tale, but always, in my life, when I have begun to feel relaxed and when something seemingly good has happened, terrible stuff has happened to take it all away. I have not had a good life, and I feel as if this is going to go the same way. I am so scared. Often, I wish I had not been born. I feel that now.

I am so sorry to be so negative - we rang up a priest last night and he said that this is to be expected and did not blame me for feeling this way. But I know that I can't go on like this and that I need to find some strength somehow. I am just so exhausted with finding strength to go on, and the bottom of the barrel has been reached.

I apologise for this moan, but if there is anyone out there who has had this reaction at the end of chemo I would so welcome your input as to how you dealt with it. Many many thanks to all my wonderful friends in here. Hugs.

 

[anjelica]

On a different note, how do I make my avatar bigger? LOL It is rather tiny. I got it off the ones that are in the forum for you to choose from. I am not good with stuff like this. I wanted to have a blue poppy as it is my fave flower. Or maybe an osprey. LOL I wish I was an osprey and could fly high up into the sky.

 

[RuthD]

I'm truly sorry you feel so bad. Can you try to just concentrate on today and getting through today only. One Day at a Time. Then also you can take one moment at a time, too. I have felt severe depression, too, and often just getting through a minute or a moment at a time was all I could do but it helped me. Remember, Anjelica, that This Too Shall Pass and it is going to be getting better for you. You are loved by Jesus and me and so many. We all care so much about you and you are such a delight to know. God bless you.

 

[RuthD]

The only way to make your avatar larger is to get a larger one somewhere and put it in as your avatar in the user cp.

 

[anjelica]

Thankyou so much Ruth. xx

 

[RuthD]

Thankyou so much Ruth. xx

 

[RuthD]

Here is some healing music for you:

With all I AM...Best Christian Song ever....Hillsong - YouTube

 

[feelingblessed]

RuthD .. Thank you for posting this beautiful music video. It touched my heart and soul in an amazing way.
I pray that Anjelica will be blessed and healed while listening to it. May she feel Gods presence and healing power flow through every cell of her body and be released from the overwhelming fear of the unknown.
Lord please fill her heart and mind with a great sense of peace that can only come from You. Please guide someone into her and her husbands life to befriend them in person and to help them with the numerous chores and errands that are impossible for them to do.
I pray in Jesus' name. Amen

 

[anjelica]

Thankyou for that lovely vid Ruth. Beautiful.

Thankyou feeelingblessed for your lovely prayer.

I am very weepy still, and not quite knowing how to cope with this terrible depression, but my brother has said we can go over to his house this afternoon if we can get out. I am so very very tired, but part of me feels that if I could make a supreme effort and get over there, I would feel a bit better maybe.

I am not sure what to do yet - haven't eaten anything today and that is a problem as I am feeling ill from not eating but yet can't eat either. I wish God would shout at me from heaven and tell me what to do cos I am worried about infection as well but also I kknow that getting out would do me good. I pray I have the strength to get downstairs again and out to the car. It is al a bit scary hugs to all xx

 

[LittleH]

Don't push yourself too hard, lovely. I know you are struggling and feeling very low. My aunt was the same when she finished her chemo and radiotherapy. For her, she prayed with others and listened to worship music. As she regained strength and health, she did small things.

You are so loved. God absolutely delights in you, you are the apple of His eye. You are so precious to Him and I know He wants nothing but the best for you. I love you as well. I know my love isn't as big and all-encompassing as God's but it is genuine. You are not on your own. You mentioned speaking to a priest. Would it be possible for him to come to you? He could pray with you and minister to you.

I don't know if this is helpful but recently I was told about having a meeting place. It is a method for spending time with God - a form of soaking. Basically you picture somewhere in your mind where you are with God. It should be somewhere where you feel safe. You can sit or lie down; anything that will help you come into God's presence and just be with Him. I have found that going to that meeting place and spending time with God helps with depression, even just for a little while. I am also struggling with depression. It is part of having ptsd, so I do understand just how difficult it is. Maybe you could try this method.

You are strong, hun, and I am confident that you will get through this. Love you lots x

 

[Jimmy P]

IF you can do well to get down the stairs and can get to the car, maybe a visit to your brother's might do well...be somewhere different...get away from the same 4 walls for awhile...that could perk ya up...

H is right, have a meeting place with God...for me, when I have that, I usually lay down, and I imagine Jesus and myself sitting at a table, just talkin' like old friends...I picture how He looks in images and He's just sitting there, smiling, lookin' interested in what I have to say...
I try to imagine His voice...and what He may tell me...then we get up, walk together, He puts His arm around me as we walk and He's giving me advice...and I see all the hope of the world in His eyes and smile...

 

[LittleH]

I love the sound of your meeting place, Jimmy.

My meeting place is a beautiful meadow, which is filled with lots of small flowers, and there is a gentle, slow-flowing river on one edge of the meadow. When I go to my meeting place, I walk through this meadow, hand-in-hand with God, barefoot feeling the grass and the dew against my feet. After a while, we lie down on the grass and look at the sky and clouds whilst talking. I tell God about all the things that are worrying me and hurting me, and He just takes them all away. I need a lot of hugs right now but I can tell you, God's hugs are amazing. There really is nowhere safer than lying in the meadow, cuddled up to God!

 

[brinny]

On a different note, how do I make my avatar bigger? LOL It is rather tiny. I got it off the ones that are in the forum for you to choose from. I am not good with stuff like this. I wanted to have a blue poppy as it is my fave flower. Or maybe an osprey. LOL I wish I was an osprey and could fly high up into the sky.

a member named pgp_protector might now how to make yer avatar bigger...i'll ask him.....in the meantime just in case, would you like other swan pictures that are a bit bigger to maybe use?

The depression, precious, is probably par for the course, dear heart.....i'm not sure why there wouldn't be depression, considering the haranguing you and your body, mind, and spirit went through in all this (especially since the hospital and staff were sooo daggone mean). The fact that you survived it at all is miraculous......praying that God guides you to what you can eat, drink even in miniscule amounts to strengthen you......take it slow precious, and celebrate the little steps, little by little.....

Father, intervene, minister, and shed Your grace and Your loving kindness all over Anjelica's place, in Jesus name, amen. (((hug)))

 

[brinny]

Here is some healing music for you:

With all I AM...Best Christian Song ever....Hillsong - YouTube

Beautiful song Ruth (((hug)))