I have hodgkins lymphoma (4)

[anjelica]

I guess also it is bad because my chest and breathing are so bad and I get scared that it is the cancer. No-one knows what it is and they keep telling me to wait for the scan but the scan is not coming through and we have been treated badly for ringing Dr J's secretary and it was kind of implied that we should not ring again. We have only rung twice so I don't understand that. Well, what I mean is that we have only rung the secretary twice but we have rung the scan department a few times to see if they have received a request for the scan from Dr J.

 

[LittleH]

It must be so hard for you, Anjelica. All you can do is just live each day the best that you can, doing a little more as you get stronger. Try not to predict what the scan will show, that will only make you feel worse. When I'm struggling with something and I don't know how I will cope, I pray and in my mind I picture physically giving it over to God and leaving it with Him. It might help you...

I love you loads xxx

 

[ChristianNewbie123]

I need to talk. It is like - well, you go along and get all the chemo and all of that is so scary and so horrible, and then towards the end everybody is saying to you that soon you will be going out again and doing normal things again and your hopes etc are got up and you start daring to think those thoughts yourself. You hardly dare even think that this could happen especially when you have been in bed for eight months like I have and with a disabled husband who has struggled to look after me and with very little help.

Then when the chemo is over, you know you are going to have a period of rest from the effects of the chemo and you just feel so relieved but then in time you start to then try to get better and do things and you make huge efforts like I have, But then however much you do and however much you might enjoy something and feel happy, you have this thing in the back of your mind about whether the cancer has gone or not and also if it has gone, will it come back.

this is the hardest journey that I have ever been on in my life and I have had some hard journeys.

I so need to know the results of the scan and yet I am terrified of getting them too.

I just so badly need someone to be with me in this. I feel so very very alone.

Ya know, I think that it's better to get the results already, than live in fear of what they are. Try looking forward to it, okay?

 

[ChristianNewbie123]

CN, that's so sweet! Are you giving out hugs to everyone?!

Um yes...

...

 

[anjelica]

I can't do that LittleH. I don't have that kind of faith I am afraid. That is what I have been trying to say all along and then feel that I can't measure up to you all

 

[anjelica]

I just can't do this and now I feel just so much a failure

 

[anjelica]

Plus I am dealing with a very very bad chest and breathing and am told all the time that they do not know what it is and my own body tells me that something serious is wrong and the doctor today admitted that it might be serious. I am so scared and yet I still went out this afternoon and tried to be a good girl LOLO

 

[LittleH]

You aren't a failure. I can only do that when I reach a point of desperation and I feel that I have no way out. I know I should go to God all the time but it isn't always easy. I'm still learning, like we all are.

We are not better Christians than you. I have made so many mistakes and I have been told so many times that I am a bad Christian. Comparing yourself to others will only hurt you. I'm sorry that my suggestion isn't helpful. I suppose you will just have to try and focus on other things. I think that CN is right that it is better to know the results of the scan rather than always be afraid of what might be.

Please know that we are all here for you. We do not look down on you at all.

 

[ChristianNewbie123]

Dam it how many times do I have to say this? You do NOT need to measure up to ANYONE! And if you have even a little faith? That's okay. That's all you need for God.

 

[ChristianNewbie123]

You aren't a failure. I can only do that when I reach a point of desperation and I feel that I have no way out. I know I should go to God all the time but it isn't always easy. I'm still learning, like we all are.

We are not better Christians than you. I have made so many mistakes and I have been told so many times that I am a bad Christian. Comparing yourself to others will only hurt you. I'm sorry that my suggestion isn't helpful. I suppose you will just have to try and focus on other things. I think that CN is right that it is better to know the results of the scan rather than always be afraid of what might be.

Please know that we are all here for you. We do not look down on you at all.

Dang right she's not a failure

 

[anjelica]

I am in desperation right now and I do thank you LittleH for sharing that. Thankyou both of you for trying to help. I don't know - I just can't relate to this faith thing and yet I know that I have faith but it is different maybe. Yet I can't explain what my faith is - guess it would take too long anyway.

Maybe I should try though? Here?

 

[LittleH]

He (Jesus) replied, ‘If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, “Be uprooted and planted in the sea,” and it will obey you.
Luke 17:6


The tiniest amount of faith is enough for God. I don't know if you have ever seen a mustard seed but that are sooo tiny. I had one in my hand once and I could barely feel it! Basically, you do have faith. It may seem tiny but it is NOT insignificant.

 

[LittleH]

I would love for you to tell me about your faith. Go for it, hun xx

 

[anjelica]

My faith is different I think but I have said that before LOL

 

[LittleH]

My faith is different I think but I have said that before LOL

Yes, you have said that but tell me how your faith is different. I promise that I won't judge you or tell you that you're wrong. I am genuinely interested and genuinely love you xx

 

[anjelica]

God doesn't take things away from us and I have difficulty with a God Who intervenes

 

[LittleH]

God doesn't take things away from us and I have difficulty with a God Who intervenes

What is your difficulty with a God who intervenes? Also, what makes you think that God doesn't take things away from us?

Still holding you by the way

 

[anjelica]

I simply do not believe it. What about all the terrible suffering in the world? why does He take it away from some but not from others? Well if you believe that way, that is

Some people die of cancer. Some children starve to death and suffer terribly. If their mothers prayed for food as maybe they do, God hasn't intervened there

 

[LittleH]

I'm just going to have some food but I'll be back in a bit. I promise.

xxx

 

[LittleH]

I simply do not believe it. What about all the terrible suffering in the world? why does He take it away from some but not from others? Well if you believe that way, that is

Some people die of cancer. Some children starve to death and suffer terribly. If their mothers prayed for food as maybe they do, God hasn't intervened there

I'll tell you my thoughts on this when I've had some food. I promise I'll be back xxx